Conjuring the Devil (2020) 3/10

A priest opens his congregation to wayward souls, including drug addicts, transgender, a woman who performed a self abortion, and a lipstick lesbian.
But a new priest is assigned, and he doesn't look favorably upon this collection, so he summons the spirit of an evil nun to cleanse the church.
Had the occasional flash of competence, but overall not very good. And clocking in at close to two hours? Should have been 80-90 minutes. But I'm assuming they loved their film, and felt everything was important.

A Generation Doomed: The History Of Nowhere



I watched this movie once... Ok, fine. I watched this movie a bunch of times way back when, and it was great! Seriously, this movie was hardcore! It had drugs and blood and boobs and fucking all over the place. This movie was "anti this" and "anti that", and there was a bunch of pissed off homos and super edgy references to the end of the world. Oh, and people wanted to kill themselves and stuff. Some actually did! Then there was this alien... Yeah. So, I don't know whatever happened to THAT badass flick, but an older version of me watched a movie called Nowhere the other night and it was pretty fucking silly. Sure, I saw this coming because I know I'm not who I was when I was a teen, as most of us aren't, but after this long-awaited rewatch, I just got to send an extra big •cringe• out to this one. This is for Nowhere!

Nowhere is from director, Gregg Araki, who is far from worthless. I was actually pretty excited about this one originally due to how much I liked his previous film, The Doom Generation. A movie that also hasn't aged wonderfully with me, but still far less obnoxious. Nowhere isn't quite as dark but seems to think it is. There is certainly a lot more to it, although nothing comes off quite as meaningful. James Duval returns as "Dark", a tortured/privileged high school kid who can't decide if he is torn up over his lesbian girlfriend being a whore or if he wants to blow this random kid named Montgomery. We'll say both for now. As obsessed as Dark is with his little friend, he seems to really love Mel, who also seems to really love Mel. I take it Dark is settling for an open relationship due to that being all he can get out of her at the moment. Dark is clearly frustrated with the situation as he constantly takes it out on Mel's girlfriend, Lucifer, who is never not present, and seems to take much pleasure in antagonizing Dark. Two people who wouldn't piss on one another if the other one was on fire, but it seems Dark hates Lucifer more as Mel is clearly her's more than Dark's.

Dark thinks he's going to die soon, but doesn't make a big thing out of it. He seems much more preoccupied with his many "problems", although Dark's pussified handling of the Mel situation is a genuine problem. At least he's trying, but simply blinded by love too much to notice how condescending this bitch is to him. Today, we are given a peak inside the lives of these people's circle of friends which includes drug addicts, sex fiends, masochists, bulimic little twits, and all around freaks who really just seem like a bunch of self-absorbed, L.A. twats who think they're hot shit.

Dark's buddy, "Cowboy", is tortured over his unreliable bandmate/boyfriend, Bart's heroin addiction. Meanwhile, some poor girl named Egg gets raped by some dude from Baywatch after being reeled in and convinced he was into her. So, that was definitely a dick move. The gang, including a very gawky Christina Applegate, go out to some park and play what they refer to "kick the can", yet appears to be "hide and seek". Well, regardless of what they're doing, it seems to be, more often than not, what they all like to do whilst on ecstasy. So, there's that. With all the drugged out fun being had, no one notices when Montgomery is abducted by Roscoe the alien. And while Dark realizes something has happened, he is way too distracted by Mel to care about anything else for very long. Although to his credit, Dark cares, and at times, almost seems to be the only one in the movie who even realizes this Montgomery person exists. It's weird.

This unusually chaotic Friday culminates with a party thrown by some weirdo named Jujifruit that we've been hearing about the entire movie as if he's a significant character, yet, we see him for a total of five seconds. I was really hoping we'd get to know him a little. A fairly anti-climactic party up until a drug dealer named handjob gets beat to death with a can of tomato soup by a disgruntled client. Handjob wasn't the only one of these twats to die this evening. Some didn't even make it to the party. A televangelist, played by John Ritter, has been encouraging twats to off themselves all night with his words of wisdom. Our only hope for a happy ending now depends on Dark and his would-be butt buddy being reunited, but don't hold your breath for anything going anywhere except nowhere.

I mean, I get it. It's mostly a commentary on youth growing up way too fast, yet not growing up at all. It's a demented, somewhat psychedelic-inspired take on the idea, which is cool. And I suppose everyone's behavior has something to do with all the talk of the potential end times which is brought up more than once. Honestly, I'm not even positive that anything about these people is even being portrayed as negative. Either way, I just find it all incredibly unlikable and obnoxious at this point in my life. Much like Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers, it all just feels like Gregg Araki fooled himself into thinking he had made something far cooler than what actually got made. In my opinion, there's nothing to be found here that is any deeper or more profound than your average mainstream comedy from this era. While still good for a few dark laughs here and there, Nowhere is still every big as shallow and meaningless as the twats it's attempting to satirize.

James Duval isn't so bad in this. Dark lets his so-called girlfriend make a bitch out of him, but he still ends up being less twatty than everyone else. Ultimately, this character comes off like a less spineless, slightly more grown up version of his character from The Doom Generation. Gregg Araki must have a thing about bi-curious beta males getting their hearts played with by their whore girlfriends. Interesting with all the "end times" references how Mel's girlfriend on the side is named Lucifer, who Dark probably blames for his woes. Not Mel and certainly not himself. It would be a lousy situation to be caught up in, but it's hard to give Dark too much sympathy, especially considering his growing obsession with mysterious gay kid.
I suppose the unusual amount of cameos/mainstream cast members should be addressed. Aside from Christina Applegate and John Ritter, Nowhere also flaunts appearances by Jordan Ladd, Guillermo Díaz, Ryan Phillippe, Heather Graham, Beverly D'Angelo, Mena Suvari, Rose McGowan, Shannon Doherty, Traci Lords, David Leisure (LoL, remember him?), Christopher Knight, Eve Plumb, and of all people, Charlotte fucking Rae! Why? Why were all those people in this? Why so many references to the end of the world with seemingly no pay off? And what exactly does that alien have to do with any of this? Aw, who cares? They're all twats, anyway. The alien included! 4/10



#Review

2021 Christmas Challenge

Starting December 12th, ending December 25th^{January 1st}. That's two^three full weeks of Christmas cheer^trash.

Watch as much Christmas shit as you can. Movies, TV episodes, Christmas specials, shorts, whatever.

1 point per minute
+10 points if there's a shitty Santa (drunk, pissy, thief, killer, etc)
+10 points if someone ruins Christmas
+10 points if someone is a scrooge (hates Christmas)
+50 points if Santa dies
+25 points for FTVs

NEW RULES: From December 26th to January 1st, you can count New Years gimmicks too. Basically, any movie that has scenes on New Years Eve or New Years Day will count.

1 point per minute
+50 points if there's a countdown to ring in the new year
+25 points for FTV

Previous Christmas points still count. After the 1st, we can all go back to the Found Footage Challenge, since I kinda hijacked that one.

Mark your spots here.

Hell House LLC (2015)

When it comes to found footage, I like to scoff at how ineffective these movies are. They often strike me as cheap and unprofessional output from people who think they can make a great horror movie simply because they own a camcorder. There are a few passable ones out there, but dare I eat my own words when I say that this movie gave me chills.

I guess every found footage movie tries to pretend it's a true story with some documentary wrap-around, and this one is no different in that sense. It follows a group of people who set out to make a haunted house in some dilapidated junk heap hotel they find, which turns out to be a real creepy place in its own right, and wouldn't you know... it's actually haunted.

The film documents their conversion of the place into a haunted attraction within a month or so, and things only get creepier as opening day nears. The movie begins with the reveal that the very first outing ended badly, so the chronicles leading up to the big night are what it's all about. Things that shouldn't be happening with the props are happening with the props, and people are gradually losing their shit and blaming each other. Subtlety without obnoxious jump scares, but rather "Why the fuck is that thing there?!"

This movie left me feeling a bit uneasy. I really like the type of scares they crafted with this one. Dare I bother with the extended director's cut and/or the sequel?!

#Review

Chucky Quiz

Here's a new way to break in the quiz system. Take this trivia quiz to see how well you know the Chucky franchise.

You can win up to 30 trash bucks based on your best score of 3 attempts.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5

Finally, a sequel to a Christmas movie that actually has something to do with Christmas! Of course, it still has nothing to do with the story that started it all, but after the last few, it's a breath of fresh air. As the title suggests, this one is about... killer toys!

A boy is gifted an early Christmas present that he's not supposed to open till Christmas, but he's stupid and tries anyway. Before he can rip all the paper off, his irritable dad sends him to bed, checks it for himself, and you can take a guess what happens next. Suffice to say, the boy is traumatized, so mom looks for something to help him cope... another toy. Hence we're introduced to the toy-maker, played by Mickey Rooney. He seems like a reasonable old man at some points, but flies off the handle when prankster son pisses him off. It ends up being pretty amusing either way.

Throughout the movie, someone is sending out evil toys that only have a slight rhyme and reason to do what they do, but instead of being a complete waste of time like the last few sequels, the end of the movie actually turns out to be an entertaining showtime with a giant "toy". This is a Pinocchio story from hell. If the movie bored you up to this point, it'll turn that around with this bizarre climax.


Still under Brian Yuzna's production, the effects are quite good. This entry was written and directed by Martin Kitrosser, who we all know as a co-writer of Friday the 13th 3 and 5, which IMO are highlights of that series.

Fun Facts:

Neith Hunter, Conan Yuzna, and Clint Howard all appeared in the previous entry and return to play characters with the same name, though are clearly different characters. WTF? This means that all five movies have a character named Ricky in them, and if they're not a recast of a previous Ricky, then they're a different Ricky all together. To hell with continuity!

Here's the best part: Mickey Rooney was a strong protester of the original 1984 film, writing letters to condemn it. But here he is, starring in the fifth one!

#Review

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4

If you thought the last movie was bad, wait until you get a load of this movie. It has almost NOTHING to do with Christmas except a few vague scenes that can easily be removed with no consequence to the overall "plot". What gives?

Our story follows a reporter who follows the story of a woman who "spontaneously combusts" and falls off a roof. Okay? Then she's stalked by Clint Howard's ugly ass, then she meets a few older women who happen to be cultists, she has many a run-in with bugs, and fuck if I know what happens after that. As the subtitle of the film suggests, they're trying to initiate her for some lousy reason I can't follow, and eventually... thank God... the movie ends.

This is a Brian Yuzna flick, so it's heavy on the special effects, but completely barren on any other merit. Yeah, Reggie Bannister is in there, but he's wasted in a minimal role. I'm just flabbergasted that they decided to make this irrelevant story part of the SNDN franchise at all. They probably figured the last one was bad enough, might as well take another shit on the series. This movie is crap.

#Review

Shot-On-Shiteo: A New Low



You may think you know. I thought I knew, but I was mistaken. I didn't really know. But I do, now. For the first time in my life, I know what bottom of the barrel cinema truly looks like. And now, you get to know because I'm going to tell you. I have to because I really need to talk about this one. For years, I've been under the impression that maybe a Blood Lake or a Splatter Farm might be it. Those aren't it. Oh, I've found IT, alright! It's on Youtube, and it is simply incredible. I'm not sure why I thought this was a throwback. Actually, I thought what I was watching was the world's most authentic-looking 80's SOV throwback. I mean, I've never seen anything from that era be so intentionally bad. However, after some digging, I have discovered that this is indeed genuine 80's SOV. A lost one with no IMDb page, and not one word about it to be found anywhere. That alone makes this discovery an intriguing one. But then, there's everything else. Oh, you're never going to believe this!

My first viewing of Trashcans of Terror was more confusing than anything. I sat there with my mouth wide open for the entire duration, pondering what I was watching. Actual Movie or just some video some guy whipped up and stuck on Youtube? I mean, anyone can put credits on a home movie, but that doesn't exactly make it a movie. Is this a movie? Is this an attempt at making money, or is this just an attempt at having some fun? I couldn't tell. I've seen so many piss poor movies, there's no telling where this Chuck Handy guy was coming from. Well, I can at least try to make some sense out of the story.

So, for my next couple viewings, I made it a point to pay closer attention just to get this whole thing as straight as possible. Director, Chuck Handy, plays Percy "Spider" Liebowitz. A drifter and Kipp Dynamite lookalike, who is running from the past and himself, as he puts it. Percy, I mean Spider, comes across a woman named Cathy, who he finds standing out in the middle of nowhere, for a reason unknown to her. This scene was obviously a retake, as we could spot a second of the original before it gets taped over. Spider claims to be a fan of the confused young woman, who, as it turns out, is a famous powerlifter. And while I wouldn't say the actress looks to be out of shape, it doesn't appear she's lifted a weight in her life. As Cathy repeatedly tries to fall into Spider's arms, as if she feels light headed, it merely looks like she keeps hugging him. I really don't know what to make of this scene, but I think aliens were involved.

Cathy wants a protein shake, so, her and Spider take it to "the bar", which appears to be someone's kitchen. Spider and Cathy chat about how she used to be 300 pounds, until they're interrupted by some guy who offers Cathy money for sex. Another character is attempted to be edited into the scene, but only serves as more confusion. Spider gets mouthy with Cathy's potential customer and gets decked for it. We then cut to, you guessed it! The worst fight ever! Spider takes on several random people while we hear sound effects that sound like an old west saloon fight. Or maybe that's just me. I'm not exactly sure what I was hearing. After what seems like a good half hour of careful pretend-brawling, a silver-skinned Cathy reappears, pissed off about that guy not having enough money in his bank account. So, she breaks him. I thought she was kidding, but I guess she was really going to fuck that guy.

The now devastated Cathy flees to an old, abandoned house (someone's garage) to hide, but Spider soon catches up, wanting answers. It seems like we miss the first few seconds of this conversation, but Cathy speaks of some unwanted powers she now has, which seems to be connected to whatever was going on before he found her. Aliens, I guess. Spider asks her if she can stop being silver, and she does. So, I'm not sure what the problem is.

Well, that's not entirely true. Clearly, trashcans are the problem. It doesn't actually happen on screen, but Cathy is abducted by a bunch of trashcans. Spider is torn. Skip town and continue his carefree life as a homeless person, or be a jerk and go rescue the sometimes silver-skinned power lifter. Spider decides to give it a shot, but is only confident enough to do so with old Vietnam frienemy, Velasquez, by his side. A guy who just happens to be living near by. Velasquez seems reasonable enough, and agrees to help out.

We then cut to a fight in someone's backyard, where trashcans are being thrown at Spider and Velasquez by unseen friends of Chuck Handy. The two hardasses know this is a fight to the death, and fight as such. So, basically, the next five minutes consists of two grown men punching, kicking, throwing and shooting trashcans. Part of it, we get to see twice. The camera sure man thinks it's funny. We later discover that Cathy was abducted by Queen Masuka, who seems to be in charge of the trashcans, whose days are seemingly numbered. Spider and Velasquez make plans to shoot them all, or at least tip them over, so Spider can be reunited with his lady friend, who he is now in love with. Yeah. Something about aliens...

Once I collected my thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I am totally a fan of this movie, as incoherent and horribly-edited as it might be. Underneath a smothering amount of schlock lies an endearing and cheerful tone, provided by the fearless rough neck, Percy "Spider" Liebowitz and the cute, curly-haired, silver chick, Cathy, played by an "actress" who seemed genuinely happy to be there. The movie itself gives off positive, fun-loving vibes of which could only be due to a true love of filmmaking. And the mind blowing level of ineptitude is the icing.

I can't say this is the worst movie I've seen. I mean, to acquire that honor, it's got to be boring. Regardless of how you may feel about these types of movies, nobody can accuse Mr. Chuck Handy of making a boring movie. The most amateur thing in existence? Good Christ, hopefully! However, it's not always easy to tell what is intentionally bad qualities and what is merely a lack of filmmaking/editing know-how. I think I'd prefer not knowing, because I've recently discovered one of the last great mysteries of Z-grade cinema. A lost gem which slipped through the cracks long ago, but is now available on Youtube for all to witness, courtesy of what could be the last copy in existence, according to Chuck Handy, who I spoke with upon writing this review. Trashcans Of Terror needs to be seen in all of its jaw-dropping glory. SOV fans need to be wised up. Whatever you think is the one, ain't it. It's this one. This is the one you've been looking for! 3/10

Experience Trashcans Of Terror...





#Review

Christmas Mini-Challenge Reminder

Sure, we got a https://trashepics.com/post/88/186/ Found Footage Challenge going right now, but I love the Christmas challenge. It's pretty easy too because there aren't genre requirements. Any Christmas movie or show counts, scored by runtime. I'll probably add a few other gimmicky ways to get points.

This is NOT the progress thread. I'll post that later. This is a memo thread. The challenge will run from Sunday the 12th to Saturday the 25th, making for a 2 week challenge and not overshadowing the current challenge. So save your Christmas viewings for then.

Silent Night, Deadly Night III

Part 2 gets all the hate, but at least it's entertaining. This movie sucks, and it's really boring too. The only copy you can get is full screen, which means it's bordering on the 90s era where nobody cared about the movie enough to preserve it right and give it a proper release.

We start out in a white hospital room where Richard Beymer is using our blind^bland female protagonist's psychic powers to jump start comatose Ricky's brain. Yeah, we're jumping the shark a bit with this one, and Ricky is recast with Bill Moseley, who wears a dome over his head to expose his brain. Eventually, he wakes up, follows the girl over to grandma's house, and tries to... I don't know... kill her, probably?

He's basically a shambling zombie in the movie, and he doesn't even wear a Santa costume. One thing that's particularly stupid is that they once again use several flashbacks to the first film, including flashbacks that baby Ricky shouldn't remember. Just like in part 2.

This movie is pretty dreadful. It has no personality and begs the question of why they kept making these movies if they weren't going to put forth any effort. There's barely any Christmas relevance here. No snow, few decorations, and boring kills. I give this movie two out of five lumps of coal.

#Review