There's Nothing Wrong with an F Cup

Whilst browsing Shudder's epic catalogue, I remember hearing about a zombie movie about a girl with big boobs going to a hospital for a reduction and then having to deal with a zombie outbreak instead. That movie is called Yummy, probably because she looks very yummy indeed.

The whole movie has her self-conscious about her breasts while everyone around her is telling her that she has a beautiful body and that she should be happy with what God and nature gave her. Then, the zombies come along and that whole plotline is surprisingly decent. I can't pinpoint why it doesn't seem stale, because it's the same old tropes, but somehow, it's better than most zombie shit. Higher production values, maybe? I suppose the adventure and progression of the protagonists trying to escape the hectic hospital was well done, and the characters were decent enough.

Our heroine's boyfriend is a lame nerd who ends up being the punching bag of the whole movie while another smoother asshole tries to steal his woman from him. Then you have some blackmail, people trying to deal with infections, paranoia about getting infected, goofy little frog monsters, and even a dick mutilation for good measure. Somehow, it makes for an entertaining romp and super gory mess of a movie, made even more watchable by the bountiful bosom of the main actress.

While the lead actress isn't actually a busty lady in real life, the prosthetics appear mighty convincing under her clothes. If the movie gets boring for a second, just look at her boobs and you'll forget.




In the end, all this shit happens because she wanted a reduction, which is never the right course of action. She wanted a B cup when "there's nothing wrong with an F cup". The moral of the story is don't get rid of big beautiful boobies or else you might die in a zombie apolalypse.

#Review

A Slew of Marvel Phase 4 Reviews

Before I cancel Disney+, I wanted to get through all this shit while I can. Right off the bat, I can say I think this "phase" is weak as hell, and I'm not impressed with most of what I'm seeing. The whole Marvel Cinematic Universe is becoming so formulaic with forced diversity when a 90s era comic fan like me doesn't want to see any of this new shit. I only want to see the same old shit I grew up with, which is to say the characters I grew up with. They're introducing so many new boring characters, it makes my head ache. Anywho, here goes...

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WandaVision - When this was first announced, I was pretty pissed because the MCU version of Scarlet Witch and Vision are both shitty characters. Super boring, generic superhero cutouts with no personality. Then I saw the trailer and saw they were making it into a shitty old sitcom and I got very excited. Then the series went on and strayed from that shitty sitcom format and turned into an actual shitty superhero story.

What really sucks here is that she has the power to alter reality, and since she's capable of merging the Fox properties (X-Men!!) with a simple chant, we were all waiting for something to happen. This show came out AFTER Fox got bought out, after all. So did they do anything? Well, they brought Evan Peters back... and then spit on the fans faces by having him be a fake out. Basically, nothing good happened here, so the start of this phase already had me disillusioned.

Falcon and the Winter Soldier - Again, Falcon and Winter Soldier are two incredibly boring characters. Anthony Mackie is a good actor and all, but what does he have to work with here? The two have to fight some uninspired super soldiers as well as Wyatt Russell's goofy looking Captain America who goes mad with power, and in the end, I was rather unenthused by the whole thing. It's just kind of a dull story that tries to cash in on the political thriller aspect of the second Captain America movie, only it doesn't have much substance to it.

Loki - Finally, we have a decent entry to this phase, because Tom HIddleston is a charming S.O.B. His character actually has a good arc, being a mischievious fuck who finally learns what an ass he's been and, in a most narcicistic twist, falls in love with himself. Well, rather a female variant of himself, but it's perfectly fitting.

This is a weird time-travel story primarily used to set up the rise of Kang the Conqueror, who I've read a lot about and he seems like he could save the MCU from all this generic drivel. I was quite fascinated with the finale of this show, which had a total Planet of the Apes type of ending.

Black Widow - After something good, we're back to this mediocre drivel about another extremely boring character that Marvel seems absolutely obsessed with. I think Scarlet Johansen is very meh, and I know her character is supposed to have no real personality, but give me a break. They only gave her this movie because she's a "strong woman" type, but apparently, it wasn't worth the wait to a lot of fans.

David Harbour was good as Red Guardian, because that dude is generally good in whatever he does. What's-her-face as Yelena was also oddly charming as a comic relief of sorts, but Task Master was completely ruined by turning HIM into a HER, and basically as a mindless drone. Ugh. What a waste.

Eternals - Perhaps the weakest Marvel movie yet. Here, we have a team of super-powered aliens who nobody knows nor gives two fucks about. I particularly hated that Superman knock-off Icarus, just because. Then the rest of our eternal characters are a showcase of ethnic diversity, with some homosexuality thrown into the mix just for the sake of being woke.

The plot has our eternals fighting deviants, who are generic monsters, as well as themselves and their master who wants to destroy the earth. When it comes to the entire earth being at stake, my relatability to the whole thing quickly goes out the window. I prefer smaller-scale adventures with people who aren't nearly indestructible. That shit is important, and it isn't in this movie, huh?

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings - This one is mildly enjoyable due to the fight scenes, but it gets pretty overblown after a while, what with dragons and armies fighting each other... I will say that I didn't hate the movie like I was expecting, and it was good to see Ben Kingsley back as the fake Mandarin. The settings were pretty good, the characters weren't horrible, and it didn't suck. I can't say it was great though.

What If? - Kill me now. Yeah, the animation is okay, but this is the worst case of official fan-fiction I've ever had the misfortune of watching. Hell, I didn't even finish the series because there's no fucking point. What if Captain America was a woman? Look how good of a job she does! What if Starlord was black? Look how much better he was than the white guy! What if the main overrated Avengers died? Yeah, that'd be cool, but still, fuck them. The MCU loves to suck their dicks and put them in the forefront of everything, but there are so many better characters they'll never give a chance, which is ridiculous considering Disney owns the majority of all Marvel properties. What if Doctor Strange's love interest died instead of him losing his hands and he becomes an evil prick? What if I gave a fuck?

By the time it got to the zombie episode, I had completely lost interest and even that episode seemed like a complete misfire to me. It's like a zombie movie made by non-horror fans who think they understand the genre. Insulting, to say the least. I'm not even sure I finished that episode, because I was completely disillusioned by this show at this point, so I skipped the rest...

Hawkeye - I waited until I learned the rumors were true before I watched this one. Of course, the return of Kingpin came as no surprise to anyone because Marvel loves to leak all their biggest spoilers basically a year in advance to test fan reactions to make sure they're doing something that will go over well. This is especially true for No Way Home, but we'll get there in a minute.

So Jeremy Renner plays Hawkeye, who isn't exactly the same characterization as in the comics. The show tries to veer him back into that version as he takes on a new protege, and I'll admit it. Kate Bishop was a decent character. But Swordsman wasn't. Talk about a major departure from the source material, and simply there to be a red herring. Most of the story is okay, but they save the mighty return of Kingpin for only one episode, they super-power him, and then... SPOILERS... they "kill" him? Talk about a big fucking disappointment. We waited years for this great villain to make a reprise only to be offed off-screen by a dull side character. Disney sure knows how to ruin my day, don't they?

Spider-Man: No Way Home - To wrap things up, Spider-Man was actually a very entertaining movie. In retrospect, it definitely isn't perfect though. They didn't do shit with the long-awaited DareDevil return, and the dimensional logic really makes no sense. Yeah, it's magic, but even by their own logic, it takes a few liberties just to keep the plot flowing. Not all the villains knew Peter Parker's secret, but they're there anyway, just for the hell of it.

Does that really bother me? No. It was fun as hell to see them all back, as well as the previous Spider-Men Toby and Garfield. That part there was another one of Marvel's infamous leaks. They tried to pretend it was a twist that would blow fan's minds, but by the time it came to theaters, fans would be pissed if they WEREN'T in it. They spoiled that shit intentionally a year before the movie came out. They love to spoil everything, but fuck it. It was a welcome "twist".

I absolutely loved having Willem Dafoe back, simply because he makes every movie better. Plus, he's both sympathetic AND an evil piece of shit in this movie. Of course, the whole idea of saving the villains and returning them to their timelines is flawed and open to various paradoxes, but whatever. It was a really fun movie with a total downer ending, and downer endings make me happy, especially in family-friendly movies.

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So there you have it. Marvel phase 4 is not exactly my cup of tea, and I'm not a fan of the direction they're going with things. That is to say, making a bunch of crap nobody is asking for when they need to properly bring in all the crap people have been wanting for ages. I want to see Fantastic Four done right, but they haven't even started on that one yet. And where the fuck is Deadpool and the X-Men?! X-Men are basically my favorite Marvel property and Disney is so damn reluctant to bring them into the mix, it's nauseating.

On an unrelated note, I've been rewatching the 90s animated X-Men and Spider-Man cartoons and they hold up surprisingly well. If I keep Disney+, it's basically so I can watch that shit. Those were the days!

Dexter

We're a little over halfway in the season of Dexter: New Blood, and they're starting to throw a lot at us. I'm not sure how spoilery this thread will get, but the ending of the latest episode has me antsy to see what happens next.

So...

Harrison is a bit of a dick, Dexter is still leaving out too many details for him to truly connect with anyone, and Kurt is trying to win Harrison over. Dexter's gonna need to step up his game if he wants his son to not hate him!

And a somewhat unrelated question, especially when it comes to Showtime shows... Do you consider Dexter: New Blood as technically a different show since there's a time gap, different setting, and different imdb listing? Much like how Twin Peaks: The Return is credited as a separate entity from its original run? Or is it still the same fucking show to you? I'm not sure myself, because the tone is different, but it still follows the same narrative with the same principle cast. I guess the only real difference is that Cody and Astor no longer exist.

Hell House LLC II (2018)

I've been trying to squeeze in a few more found footage viewings before this month ends, and since I loved the first Hell House, I suppose it was time to check out the second.

What we have here is more or less the same. Another documentary crew goes into the Abaddon Hotel to investigate the disappearances of the last slew of victims and are quick to find themselves trapped in a hopeless situation. There were definitely a few creepy moments, but this entry did seem a bit more overt, and a lot of the effective scares were simply rehashes from the first movie. Does that mean I didn't enjoy it? No, it was entertaining enough. However, it lacks the impact of the first movie, and some of the frightening moments linger too long. You never want to get too good of a look at the ghosts, do you?

Still probably one of the better found footage movies out there, but the first movie still fucked with me more. I'll try to get the final movie watched before the month ends.

#Review

Halloween Kills - Extended Cut

I've seen the theatrical version twice, so I was pretty certain I would notice the extended scenes when they came up, and the verdict? WHY THE FUCK BOTHER? There are a total of TWO extended scenes that total maybe twenty seconds, plus the extended ending which seemed cooler in theory than in actual execution.

What are the extended scenes? In 1978 when Lonnie is bullied by the kids, he starts running home. He sees Michael staring from behind a bush, who then hides. There's half of your extended cut right there. The next scene has Karen in the hospital going into the morgue and asking the worker if she can see her husband. Then the guy gets pissed and tells her she's not supposed to be in there.

And there you have it. The extended cut of Halloween Kills was totally justified in its existence, wasn't it? And if you're curious about the extended ending, here goes:

After Karen dies, Laurie calls her phone from the hospital. You see it ringing on the ground. Then you see Laurie listening in on Michael's breathing and she tells him she's coming for him. She gets up, grabs the knife, and walks through the hospital halls presumably to get him, but we know this ending is NOT to be considered canon because the next movie has already been confirmed to be set 4 years after this one. Besides, she's in no condition to do anything since she just went through surgery and her stomach is fucked up. So it's a big waste of time and a big joke of a promotional gimmick. An extended cut of this movie should not exist.

The blu-ray has a lot of featurettes I have yet to watch, so at least there's that.

Halloween Quiz

Test your fandom with this epic 50-question Halloween quiz. This covers all 12 movies to some extent, as it's hard to balance out so much convoluted shit.

You're probably wondering, "Why is this idiot posting a Halloween quiz now? October was months ago!" Well, the extended Blu-Ray for Halloween Kills is out now, and I'm too jazzed up to keep quiet about it! I bought it today and I'll probably re-ramble on that later, but for now, a quiz ought to suffice.

Give it your best shot and see who the biggest Halloween fan is 'round these parts. My money's on myself.

What was the name of this movie?

This was a found footage movie I saw several years ago. I got it from the local library. It has the word Tapes in the title, like The Poughkeepsie Tapes or The Anderson Tapes. It's a bunch of young people or kids in a large forest at night, one or more of them with video cameras recording everything, and they think they are being watched or tracked. I think they were investigating some urban legend about a pedophile ring and missing children. Some of them disappear and the others keep seeing eyes looking at them through the trees. They start looking for clues and eventually find an abandoned house or ranch or something like that and discover some kind of feral half human creatures living in it, and I think no one survives. That's about all I can remember about it. There's been a ton of found footage movies but someone must know the title of this.

The V/H/S Movies

It's been a while since I saw them, so I kicked off my FF viewings with the first three movies and I liked them more than I remembered. Generally entertaining anthologies, though I have to say that part 2 is my favorite of the bunch. Highlight skits include the bicyclist who encounters zombies who crash the birthday party in the woods. The one that stuck with me was the alien invasion. Normally, I could care less what happens to the people in these things, but... SPOILERS... who cares if the boy gets abducted. What really broke my heart is seeing him drop the dog and watching it fall to its death. This mostly gets to me because I have a crappy little brown dog like that. Yikes.

I think Viral had its moments, but might be the weakest of the bunch. The wraparound starts off interestingly chaotic, but it ends up making little sense, and the magician skit seemed a bit too outrageous, but the skater skit was alright.

So which movie or skit did you like most? And has anybody seen V/H/S/94?

Merry Christmas to All

How's everyone's 2021 Christmas been? How did you celebrate? Was it fun times, or just another day?

My experiences tend to be mediocre at best, but I'm feeling better about things this year. I have a steady job that pays better than my previous part-time minimum-wage fare, so I decided to treat myself to a (free) month of Shudder and Back 4 Blood on PC, which is a lot of fun. I hear it has crossplay, which sounds promising if anyone else is into killing zombies.

The year is almost over, so I can safely say it's been a hell of a lot better than 2020. What say you, trash people?

The Ouija Possession (2016) 2/10

A group of dumb teens play with a ouija board and bring a man back from the dead. And apparently he isn't too happy about it.
Plenty of bad editing, as well as a pretty bad story and worse acting doomed this to failure.
About the only highlight was Jonah's makeup. But even that wasn't anything great, as it looked like a poor man's attempt to copy Frank from Hellraiser 30 years earlier.