Oh, Hi, Unmarked!



Ok, I wasn't really in the mood to write anything this week, but I gotta say something about this. The other night, I watched this movie on the Tubi that I wasn't particularly excited about, but ended up pleasantly surprised, dare I say a bit shocked. Shocked by the unbelievable level of schlock that the IMDb synopsis didn't even begin to prepare me for. A pretty ordinary-sounding movie by what I read. However, it all plays out in the most rushed, most unrealistic, ridiculous way imaginable. It almost feels like some sort of Lifetime movie, especially with the unnecessarily suspenseful score, making everything sound much more crucial and meaningful than it is. Meanwhile, nobody manages to come off like they give a fuck about anything that is happening. Way too low budget of a production to be a Lifetime movie, but it gives off those vibes nonetheless. Something about it also reminds me of legendary 2000's slasher sequel, Return To Sleepaway Camp... which is fun.

In the first five minutes of the movie, we have two 13/14 (?) year olds hanging out in the rich kid's room. Temptation is too much for poor kid as he sneaks and steals a few bucks from rich kid's drawer when nobody's looking. Next day at school, rich kid passive aggressively calls poor kid out on the stealing, who more or less admits to it for some reason. Poor kid DID come off normal enough, but is now an obnoxious dickhead who hates rich kid. We quickly cut to poor kid at home pretending to cry to his mother about how rich kid has been bullying him and accusing him of stealing. For some reason, he throws in an extra lie about the much smaller rich kid body slamming him at lunch. Poor kid's mother, who is no longer taking her medication, flips out and unfollows rich kid on "all social media". And as we now head into minute six, we then cut to the next day at school where, at lunch, poor kid attacks rich kid and slams his face into some food while threatening and berating him. Actor portraying rich kid does a below average job of appearing displeased.

Later on, rich kid texts poor kid in Spanish for some reason. He's all like 'really?", but in Spanish. Poor kid, once again, runs to his mother, this time insisting that not only is he being cyber-bullied but in SPANISH, "and he KNOWS I don't speak Spanish". Unmedicated mother has had enough and heads over to rich kid's house to have it out with rich kid and his mother. Rich kid and his mother seem to get through to unmedicated mother as she seems somewhat convinced of her son's guilt, but quickly freaks out and starts ranting about how this is going to ruin his life, so, she threatens to ruin rich kid's life instead. Now hysterical, unmedicated mother heads to the school and easily convinces member of the faculty that rich kid is a problem that must be dealt with. And that's it. Case closed. Despite being soft spoken and more polite than most kids, rich kid is officially guilty and at no point does anyone at any point in the movie budge from this belief. Every teacher, councilor, even the principal are all like "fuck this kid".

It appears to be rich kid's word against poor kid's, but apparently not. Rich kid is immediately declared guilty because poor kid's mother bitched first and was crying and not one person working at this school listens to a thing rich kid or his mom says from this point forward. Even though poor kid has no proof of anything, the faculty demands proof from rich kid, which he easily gets by recording some shit talking by poor kid with his phone. After this being brought to their attention, unreasonable faculty then accuses rich kid of invading poor kid's privacy, putting him in even more hot water. The more poor kid bullies rich kid, the more unhinged unmedicated mother becomes after poor kid cries about rich kid's reactions. And the more unmedicated mother complains to the faculty, the more angered and unfair they become, bringing them to the point of bullying rich kid themselves. It's almost like somebody who works at this school is related to unmedicated mother and her asshole kid. However, if that's the case, they forgot to mention it.

I love how out of all the times poor kid bullies and harasses rich kid, it's in front of like a dozen other kids, yet no one ever says a word, despite most reactions appearing to be that of disapproval. No faculty member asks if anyone has seen anything, and come to think of it, rich kid seemingly never even considers asking one of his peers to come forward on his behalf. Not sure what that's about. Eventually, I start wondering "ok, are they fucking with us, here?" Is this REALLY a serious movie? Everyone is WAY too unreasonable for this to be a real attempt at something. Maybe that's where I get the Return To Sleepaway Camp vibe from. Never mind the acting that would make Tommy Wiseau cringe. Seriously, it's like The Room. Unmarked is a so bad, it's good classic just waiting to be discovered. 4/10... And that's where I would normally end the write up. However, one minor detail has now come to my attention: The child actor who portrayed rich kid also directed this abomination, which I'm pretty sure makes this far less of an abomination and more of a legit accomplishment. Color me impressed, little fella! But seriously. That was hilarious! 5/10



#Review

What Streaming Services do you have?

Or more accurately, which do you have access to? And are they worth it? Would you pay for them? No, but you would gladly mooch off of someone else's account, right?

Tubi is an exploitation fan's wet dream. We spent hours tracking down these movies in our youths, and here they are on "Tubi"? For free? Call me crazy, but the ads help simulate the experience of watching broadcast tv with those little intermissions. Suffice to say, it's well worth the cost. Tubi is probably the best streaming service ever.

I'll need to jump on HBO Max for some DC catch-up, and I'll need the Paramount+ FREE TRIAL to watch the new Beavis and Butthead. Then I'll probably cancel them. Too many expenses to keep track of. Before you know it, I'll have to get Shudder again for October.

To wrap this up, I don't find any of these streaming platforms to be "essential". I do appreciate that I can pay for what I choose to, and cancel whenever I want. Imagine how our parents had to deal with cable TV subscriptions that cost that much extra, and with long-term "plans"? Ew. All we need today is wifi and a monthly charge. It's a beautiful improvement.

A24 distribution/production studios...

Is the only studio putting out good cinema these days imo. While not every film is perfect at least their releases are original and they take chances. I remember 1st seeing their logo at the beginning of Spring Breakers and Tusk. Just watched The Disaster Artist finally ( I know, late to the party) and y'all were right, great film. Any thoughts and favorites from A24?

zeds post

fuck yous (OK just testing where this ends up which forum ect) BUT FUCK IT
INSTEAD OF POLUTING THE SOAP BOX i WILL RANT HERE
(fuck caps lock) OK
my beliefs are, everyone is entitled to their belief, even if its totoal BS (Its like I want so much to see evidence of UFOs, I have been facinated for 40+ years now, I want evidence, yet all I see is BS as in a few pixels, with the promise that more is coming.
Pure grifter conass BS/ The last US president was this just talked and done fuck all.
Its like now russia, a war, putin (showed his bear cheast wrestling bear) but now he starts a fight, he has disappeared (yet we have now 1000s dying on each side in his name) What a weakass cunt.
If Im gonna talk the talk, hopefully I can walk the walk. Putin.

no idea if I go, ands thats why I like me its all just off the cuff, I so much want to go, so so much , now its changed this yeay. FFS




que fas

Sharon Stone in Casino

I used to despise her in this. After watching it for maybe the dozenth time, I finally realized how good she played it. The character is a total victim, having been coaxed into a lifestyle she said from the get-go she wasn't interested in. Her heart was always for someone else (James Woods, sporting a mustache), but De Niro cages her.

Maybe it's a dude thing. She's a woman, so I shouldn't care about her plight, but a fat bowl will do that to ya. A fat bowl will make you think! And overthink!

I canceled Disney+

What glories am I missing out on now?


Star Wars? Meh. I don't watch any of them except the movies, and I barely like those to begin with.

Marvel? Shows about shitty side characters. Aimed at audiences who don't know good tv.

National Geographic? I don't have time for this shit!

And worst of all... Disney & Pixar.


I take a bit of joy in knowing when something I hate bombs. I read that their new Marvel show has the lowest viewing numbers of all their shows thus far. Good for them.

Police Academy, the TV show

The moment everyone's been waiting their entire life for... a babbling on POLICE ACADEMY.

If you didn't know, there are 7 movies leading up to this series, so it needs to be good, right? Fortunately, it can be considered "good", because it's soooo much better than Mission to Moscow. That piece of shit.

This show is so 90s. It's not very funny, but it did last for two seasons. It acts as a follow-up to the films, but only motormouth Jones is a recurring character. Fortunately, some of the originals do show up, including Callahan, Lassard, Hightower, Tackleberry, Sweetchuck (as a different character), and even Mauser. That guy has been out of the series since after 3, so I was surprised to see him again. This time, the character was in a wheelchair because the actor Art Metrano had injured his spine in '89. I found out that he died only last year, so RIP.

Sometimes, the show jumps the shark and tries to incorporate vampires and guardian angels and some other stupid shit, but it's mostly about police cadets in sitcom scenarios while their inept and irritable superior tries to sabotage them. The crime subplots in each episode were written by a trained monkey, and the women weren't afraid to be slutty either. And that's always a good thing.

•makes random noises with my mouth•


I can understand why this show was axed. As of today, this show remains the final entry in the series, and it's a better end than Mission to Moscow. That piece of shit.

FUN FACT:

The show was filmed in a nuthouse that was shut down a year earlier. Some say it was haunted. 10 years after the show ended, the place burned down.

#Review

Everything Everywhere

I gave this movie a fitting description in the database. Now, if that plot summary doesn't make you jump out of your seats in excitement to see such an intense sounding film, then I'll sway you with something else: There are in fact hotdog hands in this movie, and people do fellate them. There's also a dildo fight scene and some butt stuff, but surprisingly no nudity. James Hong and Indy's lost partner Shortround are in this, and the whole premise is about stopping a giant bagel with everything on it. There's also a subplot about rocks with googly eyes on them. The End.

#Review

Screamers (1995)

I will try to think of more things to say about this movie, and come back and post them. I always thought this was a better movie than it got credit for. It tried a little too hard, with the Shakespeare quotes, but it's still a pretty fun watch, IMHO.

I just quickly wanted to mention that Roy DuPuis did a really good job, as one of the evil humanoid A.I. run amok robot villains. He was menacing, but also funny in an insane way that works well. It's too bad he didn't get more roles.

This is a short clip, with Roy DuPuis as the psycho robot. I always thought the part from about :56 to 1:09 was especially funny, in a demented way. Anyway, yeah, had to share.

Film Genres

Are they meaningful to you as a viewer? IMDb has their standard list of genres that I find mostly accurate. I still believe Terminator should be classified as a horror film, but it's otherwise mostly accurate. The main list of movie genres I support here are:

Action, Adventure, Animation, Biography, Comedy, Crime, Documentary, Drama, Family-Friendly, Fantasy, Giallo, History, Horror, Mockumentary, Music, Musical, Mystery, Noir, Romance, Sci-Fi, Sport, Thriller, War, Western

I think I'll need to add 'Found Footage', 'Superhero'. What other genres are acceptable? Where does one draw the line at what is considered a primary genre and a subgenre?


Documentaries and Mockumentaries. A mock shouldn't be an extension of a doc because a mock is meant to entertain while a doc is meant to be truthful, so it ought to be a primary genre. Not necessarily funny to be lumped under comedy, and not necessarily any main genre type really. More of a style, like 'Noir'.

Giallo is a blend of crime and mystery, but is it always both? Does it make sense to consider it a primary genre as compared to a subgenre of crime and/or mystery?


Then there's all sorts of subgenres, especially regarding exploitation genres.
How many can you list?