I'm very confused by a t-shirt I saw today.

I saw a big black guy, who was dressed very much like your stereotypical "gangsta" type guy. He had on a do-rag and everything. Then he turned around and I saw that the t-shirt under his jacket had this image:



WTF? I am shocked that this t-shirt even exists. I can't think of a more random movie shirt for this thuggish guy to be wearing. I don't know if anyone here is familiar with Wrong, but I bet some of you are familiar with another movie called Rubber from the same director, Quentin Dupieux.

Here is the trailer for Wrong:



Maybe I'm just being racist? I don't know. Sure, why not? Why wouldn't this dangerous looking black man be a big fan of a surreal black comedy from ten years ago with an almost entirely white cast?

There is really only a very specific type of person I could possibly picture wearing a Wrong shirt, and this guy ain't it. I can't imagine he's actually seen the movie. But how did he get the shirt? Where would anybody even be selling it? I don't think it even quite qualifies as a cult movie, are they still producing this shirt? Did he find it at a yard sale and just thought it looked cool? I don't know, maybe I'm crazy for even thinking this much about it.

Return To Sleepaway Camp (2008)




Still can't get over this fucking movie. Just watched it again for the 30th or so time the other night and it only gets funnier to me. Alan is a truly amazing character which honestly seems as if it was meant only to confuse. Clearly targeted towards those with a specific type of sense of humor who might not mind an absolute shit show replacing the "real" sequel we all originally expected.

Pathetic, dim-witted, fat boy with a tiny nose just wants to fit in with the normal kids, which is never going to happen. Before we can feel sorry for him, Alan turns around and acts like a dick to the smaller kids as that seems to be the only thing that makes him feel better about himself. But then when given the least amount of shit for this by a counselor, he freaks out and starts yelling and screaming, and dropping F-bombs. Yelling shit like "Not as stupid as you, YA BIG PENIS!!!!!". How quick he is to use unnecessarily harsh language might be my favorite thing about him. A comically inconsistent character. At times, it seems he's been pushed to his limit by someone fucking with him, but then does or says something that makes it seem as if he's having fun with it all. For a long time, it's unclear when he's truly bothered by something or is just fucking with everyone. Maybe he's just a piece of shit with no attention span. One of the strangest performances I've ever seen. This young actor obviously knew what he looked and came off like and was comfortable enough with it to make an absolute joke out of himself to the point of making us forget that our purpose for watching had nothing to do with him. It's unfortunate he's so misunderstood and unwanted by the audience. The movie in general is overlooked as fuck, not to say it's not overflowing with problems that aren't even Alan-related. This really should be remembered as one of the all time great turkeys by now, but I'm not sure it's even remembered to begin with.

This one sure did need some commentary on that dvd to give us a little insight as to what Robert Hilzik was thinking/smoking. He just kinda randomly dumped this one on us one day and quickly went back to whatever he has doing. And with no heads up, everybody just took it the wrong way, drying up plans of a Sleepaway Camp Reunion (2010), which once had an IMDb page. I'd love to know how they got from whatever Hilzik originally had planned to THIS. No way THIS was always his plan. He probably should have taken a different route with Felissa Rose, but the Alan thing was gold, as pointless as it all really ended up being. Kinda surprised this hasn't ended up on Tubi or something by now. Surely Sleepaway Camp's one and only "real sequel" will eventually get itself a fanbase.

A Christmas Story Christmas 2022

Bob Clark made his fair share of trashy movies, but he also did family movies. The original 1983 Christmas Story is pretty popular, as it should be. It's a Christmas classic, which makes it hard to top. They did a few indirect sequels I've never seen, as well as a DTV and fully-recast 2012 sequel that nobody watched, and now a real sequel. "Real" because it features the original cast, albeit with one mild recast. The mother from the original is retired, so they threw in Julie Hagerty, who was in another fun Christmas movie "Just Friends".

The 1983 film is set in either 1939 or 1940, but the 2022 flick (39 year gap) is set in 1973, only a 33 to 34 year gap. I guess they picked that number out of a hat, but it still made for some good old-fashion set pieces. It's funny to look back on the original as it never really feels like it's set in such a bygone era. The 70s don't seem so unrelatable either.

Peter Billingsly does good here, channeling the character perfectly after all these years. He's still got his silly daydreams, overthinking consequences, and sometimes devious plotting. He revisits his old Indiana home after the passing of his father, who he and everyone else in the town absolutely reveres. Darren McGavin perished in 2006, but there's no denying that he was amazing in the original movie. So in a way, he's still a big part of this movie.

The whole movie is about Ralphie trying to live up to expectations, and for the most part, it works. Never in the way he's expecting, but that is to be expected. Fortunately, the movie doesn't rely on too many callbacks to the original and is able to be its own thing. Worth at least one watch.

#Review

Casper Van Dien

Are you making a Syfy channel movie, an Asylum movie, a Hallmark channel movie, or something far worse, and you need a leading man? Look no further, for Casper Van Dien is your man! A published poet at 17. People Magazine's "Sexiest Soap Star" of 2000. The 20th Tarzan. An extra in a couple episodes of Saved by the Bell. He has what it takes.

In his 140+ acting credits, he certainly made his fair share of bullshit. He's done movies about bad weather, sharks, dogs, christmas, dogs and christmas, teenage angst, boring political thrillers, boring religious thrillers, and a bunch of rip-offs. From leading man to extra, hero or villain. I like both.


I've exhausted all the free turkeys online, but that still allowed for a lot of trifectas. Despite being in all these shitty movies, I definitely have a newfound appreciation for CVD.

Most know him for Starship Troopers or Sleepy Hollow, but don't judge him by those, for he is not one of those lame Hollywood guys. Some of these turkeys were mildly amusing. Some were so bad that I wont even go into detail about them. My brain completely shut off during some of them and already threw those memories in the trash, but there were a few pleasant surprises beyond the ones I've already rambled on about.


The 2nd (2020) was an okay thriller about Ryan Phillippe having to stop the politically-motivated kidnapping of a teen, and CVD played a hitman in it.

Maiden Voyage (2004) was a rip-off of Under Siege, and it is lame, but not 100% lame.

Kill Shot (1995) was so 90s, it short-circuited my brain.

The Fallen Ones (2005) was a rip-off of the Mummy flicks, only it also had giant mechanical mummies that were humorously steered by Irwin Keyes.

Hollywood Flies (2005) was an amusing thriller about a girl who gets kidnapped by Brad Renfro and Vinnie Jones, with some CVD injected for good measure.

Sleeping Beauty (2014) was actually pretty amusing, being one directed by CVD and starring him only in a minimal capacity, but it had Finn Jones from Iron Fist before he had his 5 minutes, and it played out as a decent fantasy adventure with zombies. Not a bad directorial debut from someone in the B-league.


The highlight of this whole mess was a 4.6 turkey from 2020 called The Warrant. Not because it's so laughably bad, but because it was actually pretty fucking good! Neal McDonough works with the U.S. Marshalls to bring in his old Civil War buddy CVD for war crimes. There's no unique plot points or anything, but it was well made and poignant. Definitely deserves to graduate from turkey to... I don't know what's better... a chicken? Chickens are pretty awesome, right?


Other side notes are that you'll see a few recurring actors in his movies, notably Michael Ironside and Adrienne Barbeau. From now on, if I ever see a title with Casper Van Dien in credits, I'm 50% more likely to watch it. Even if it isn't a turkey.

Krampus (2015)

Ready to get an early start on Christmas horror? This is a good place to start!

A boy is depressed, losing his Christmas spirit, and that's when all hell breaks loose. Well, not right away, but after his grandma tells him a spooky tale.

It's the slow-burn type, so the 1st half is all talk, but the second half is quite special. It surprisingly worked, despite some offbeat casting, such as that manager guy from Waiting. In any case, stay tuned for that ending! 7/10

Crawlspace 1986

Klaus Kinski plays a psycho landlord who spies on his female tenants through the air vents. Then he abducts them to put them through his torture devices. He's a Nazi, so that should explain enough about this doctor's anatomical curiosities.

Naturally, Klaus makes for a great villain because he was obviously a bit psychotic in real life. He reminds me of an old co-worker of mine. Not because my co-worker was a psycho Nazi, but because they're both old gray-haired men. Pretty loose logic there, but I can't help what I'm reminded of.

It's not a very long movie, and it's not very graphic, but there are some cool deaths in there. It's also interesting that most if not all of this movie takes place inside the building. It's a very confined movie, maybe not as claustrophobic as they were intending, but he does keep a prisoner in a pretty dinky sized cage, so it's confined in that sense too.

Decent flick. Gotta love those actors who can slip into psychotic roles so easily. Look at how much of an asshole he was via these IMDb trivia tidbits:

According to Schmoeller, Kinski started six fistfights during the first three days of filming.

During filming, as Klaus Kinski became more and more difficult to deal with, director David Schmoeller noticed Kinski had a crush on one of the young female actresses (Tane McClure, daughter of Doug McClure) and would always be polite and on his best behavior while she was on the set. Towards the end of filming, Schmoeller asked McClure to remain on the set as often as possible so Kinski would be more cooperative and the film could wrap sooner.

Director David Schmoeller and producer Roberto Bessi wanted to fire Kinski, due to his impossible behavior on set, but were stopped from doing so by Empire Pictures, since Kinski's name would attract viewers.

Kinski was apparently very unhappy with the wardrobe that had been selected for his character, buying a whole new set of clothes and charging the costs to the film production. Afterwards, he kept the clothes for himself.

and unrelated...

Sets are reused from Troll (1986).

#Review

Wedding Slashers (2006)

I know what you're thinking. "What a dumb title!" I thought so, too, the first time I saw it at a dollar store. But these days, a lot of horror films have dumb titles. Compelling horror titles are a thing of the past.

So, I kept putting it off, and I eventually caved in. I was really surprised! Not only did it have great suspense, it also had great performances from all the main characters (which I wasn't expecting).

Yeah, as the plotline says, it's about a dame who keeps trying to marry, only to wind up with a dead groom. It's not random, the killers have a good reason for doing this. Give it a shot if you like trash, especially trash that's an 80's throwback, or seems to be. 7/10

Anyone else coming back from a long layoff?

This is my first post since 2019, I believe.

I almost forgot how to make a thread. I used to be Soapbox_Qustodian. Anyway, glad to be back. Not sure about those monthly challenges, though, not really my thing. Just glad to be back.

Beyond the Edge 2016

It may be a turkey, but this tale of space madness is actually kind of interesting. Two men are on a mission to reach the end of the universe. That can't end well, can it? Pretty early into the movie, Casper Van Dien dies in a freak accident, so it's only one guy left to carry on, and what happens next gets pretty confusing.

The story is non-linear, so Casper is still in a lot of it (thank God). It chronicles the beginning of their mission, as overseen by a scientist played by Adrienne Barbeau, leading up to the days of the accident, and then somewhat beyond that. But not really beyond it. Perhaps parallel to it?

It's a bit of a mind fuck, but it's also kind of funny. It reminds me of Carpenter's Dark Star in ways, only with higher production values and no beach-ball alien. The ending is a bit cerebral, so I had to look up the interpretations of it, but whatever. Probably ought to be rated a bit higher than it is.

#Review

How long can you hold your breath?

I've been reading headlines about Avatar 2 and how the actors have reportedly held their breath for a long time. The claims are that Zoe Saldana held her breath for 5 minutes. Kate Winslet for 6 minutes. Sigourney Weaver for 6.5 minutes. WTF? I can hold my breath for like... 30 seconds. 😄 Of course, my lungs ain't what they used to be on account of my smoking habits, but they were never great to begin with.

So I looked up the record and they claim some dude "held his breath" for 24 minutes. I'm calling bullshit on that one. The brain needs oxygen to function. Are we supposed to believe there are fish-men out there? Really?



Also, James Cameron says his plans for the Avatar sequels can change depending on the box office success of the new movie. If it does well, there could be like 3 more sequels, otherwise just one. I hope it bombs, because Avatar is fucking stupid. I hate it.