Alpha Wolf 2018

Not to be confused with Alpha Dog (2006), this movie actually has canines in it. A couple's retreat turns sour after a werewolf bites Casper Van Dien, turning him into an asshole. Well, a bigger asshole than he was before.

Right off the bat, he's established as a jerk because he has a hot girlfriend, but a trip to a general store has him eying some other woman. Dude doesn't know a good thing when he has it. He seems disinterested in his woman most of the time, gradually turning into a moody carnivorous son of a bitch.

The movie reminds me of Bad Moon in some ways, only shittier. BM featured a cool dog character named Thor, whereas our dog hero in this movie is named... Larry. Not a very cool name, but at least the twist here is... also not very well done. See, the dog becomes a were-person, transforming into a human in the full moon. A mostly feral human protective of his hot female owner.

There's a missed opportunity here, though: the dog-turned-human never fucks the lady, which would have elevated the movie to (trash) epic levels. Instead, he just uses his wonderful opposable thumbs to fend off the shitty looking guy-in-a-furry-suit werewolf antagonist that is our irritable lead actor, and the brawl is underwhelming.

Not the worst werewolf movie, even as mediocre as it winds up being. Go watch Bad Moon instead. That's the alpha movie.

#Review

Black Adam 2022

It's amazing how much DC and Marvel rip each other off. If you didn't already know, DC is in shambles due to the WB/Discovery mess, and Marvel is an over-bloated powerhouse making some very questionable choices lately, but still... DC strives to emulate their success with some super cliche output. Dwayne Johnson promised that his Black Adam movie would be a game changer. Is it?

Black Panther^Adam is about a fictional African country that needs a hero with "Black" in the title, just to make sure that audiences know this is a movie about black power. The Rock has always been more tan than black, so he wouldn't fit in with the classical tribal African crowd, so it's more about Egypt and the middle east. He needs to reclaim the kingdom from some assholes who want to use CGI to destroy everything or whatever, but he's also an asshole. How can assholes be heroes?

This movie comes complete with your strong women archetype, the annoying child sidekick, some unfunny comic relief side character, and of course... the superhero teamup. Falcon^Hawkman, Storm^Cyclone, Ant-Man^{Atom Smasher}, and Doctor Strange^{Doctor Fate} are the good guys, here to stop the other protagonist Black Adam from killing assholes because they want "justice" and whatnot. Yeah, it's another one of those good-guys versus good-guys movies, until they unite against a common threat at the end.

God, this movie is so formulaic. The stupid kid is even trying to make things more so by telling Black Shazam how to use catchphrases and whatnot. The plots of these movies are all the same. You could put any superhero in someone's place and have the same turnout. And the villains are so one-dimensional too. Everything about this movie is a cliche.


It wasn't all bad, though. The Rock needed to put on a cape eventually, and he's pretty jacked. Plus, you have Pierce Brosnan as the sorcerer with the silly helmet, but all the other characters are generic and completely forgettable.

I hear they put a LOT of money into this movie and likely wont be seeing much if any profit. If you make the same movie over and over again, people will lose interest in the brand. It makes perfect sense why WB is going bankrupt when they output this shit.

Also, Henry Cavill shows up in the post-credits scene. Not that anyone really cares about more of that invincible asshole...

#Review

Fire Twister 2015

Remember when tornado movies were all the rage? Yeah, neither do I. But for some reason, regular tornados weren't cutting it anymore. That's why they needed to utilize some elemental nonsense, hence... Fire Twister!

Featuring the greatest actor in the world, Casper Van Dien, Fire Twister is a movie about a somehow manmade fire tornado that a fire fighter (Casper) and a group of something-or-others must put a stop to. But wait, there's more! There are also mercenaries in this movie trying to put an end to the heroes, only after framing them for the weird unnatural disaster. Some corporate conspiracy bullshit, but whatever. Somehow, it ends up being pretty entertaining.

I wont say this movie is good. No no no, it's pretty fucking stupid, but quite enjoyable. There's a scene where they have to help a woman get her baby out of a tree. Casper starts climbing, reassuring her everything is okay, then begins tugging on the stroller until it falls down and all he's left with is... some baby doll? The mother gets relieved, "Oh, that's just my kid's doll," like everything is okay. We never find out where the baby actually went, but fuck it. We need to get back to stopping that tornado, whilst running from mercenaries!

When people get sucked into the fire twister, it's pretty hilarious. Apparently, the only way to stop a tornado in these movies is to blow something up in the center of it. That's what they do in the Sharknado movies, so it must be science. Sheer science!

Eventually, they fill a fire truck up with gasoline so they can make it into a literal fire truck, because the fire tornado is attracted to heat. Kinda like how those Sharknados are only attracted to Ian Zerring, but we'll forgive this bogus movie logic, because it's funny. I give this movie some rating out of a number.

#Review

October Challenge 2022 - The Results



Another October done and dusted. Firstly a big congrats to all of those who managed to complete the challenge and hit that magic 31 (and waaaayyyy beyond for many). I for one literally left it to the last minute 😦. But well done 1. Ballz and 2. Vince for trouncing everyone again and also to Troma for the most FTVs. Here are the results in full:

SMASHED IT!
Ballz - 114 (53)
Vince - 109 (27)
Troma - 80 (58)
Nicko - 62 (36)
Box - 57 (50)
jimb - 56 (55)
conditioned - 44 (18)
Brett - 43 (22)
Deferenz - 40 (26)

PASSED THE TEST!
Zombie - 35 (31)
Shroud - 34 (21)
Baseball - 32 (16)
zed - 31 (31)
Trigger - 31 (27)
markus - 31 (19)

FELL AT THE HURDLE!
Onyx - 17 (9)

So what was your favourite FTV? And your least favourite?

Favourites:
Pearl (2022) - Probably one of the best performances you will ever see in any horror movie. Ever.
Barbarian (2022) - Wasn't a huge fan of the "third act" but still one of the best horror movies of the year without question.
Terrifier 2 (2022) and The Sadness (2021) - Both contain some of the most brilliant (and downright disturbing) practical gore you will ever see.

Least favourite: Halloween Ends (2022) - Michael hires an apprentice!

2022 Turkey Hunt

1) Use IMDb ratings.
1.0 = 6 points.
1.1-1.9 = 5 points.
2.0-2.9 = 4 points.
3.0-3.9 = 3 points.
4.0-4.4 = 2 points
4.5-4.9 = 1 point.

2) First time view = 1 point.

3) Can be any genre.

4) Trifectas. Director actors, and series. For director and actors you can bunch siblings and parent / children or grandparent / grandchildren.

5) A movie can only count towards one trifecta.Single Trifecta - 5 pointsDouble Trifecta - 7 pointsTriple Trifecta - 9 pointsEtc.

6) 1 bonus point if there is at least one penis shown in the movie. A total of 3 bonus points if the penis is decapitated during the movie.
😦
7) Movies with 5.0 ratings or better don't count for any points.

8) Must be at least 45 minutes long for full credit. Half credit for films between 25 and 44 minutes.

9) Start - 12:01 AM on November 1.End - You must start you last movie prior to November 30 11:59 PM.

October Challenge 2022



Rules:

> At least 31 horror films must be watched during the month of October. 16 of these must be FTVs (first time viewings).
> You get 1 "point" per movie watched.
> Runtime is 45 minutes minimum.
> Kiddy-friendly "Halloween themed" movies will be permitted as long as there is some element of horror or spooky fun, i.e. A Nightmare Before Christmas, Goosebumps, The Addams Family, etc.
> If unsure on whether a movie is "horror" or not, please refer to the usual suspects: IMDb, Wiki, Letterboxd, etc.
> Documentaries and TV shows will not be accepted, however mockumentaries will be.
> The challenge will begin at 00:00 hours on October 1st in your time zone.

If there is anything I have missed, let me know over in the shoutbox. Use it for discussions too.

Previous year threads:

https://trashepics.com/post/9/160/
https://trashepics.com/post/9/218/
https://trashepics.com/post/142/130/
https://trashepics.com/post/30/34/
https://trashepics.com/post/30/38/

So make your spot and have fun!

Shiver 2012

John Jarratt plays an eccentric weirdo psychopath who kills women because he had a bad childhood. Is this another Wolf Creek movie then? No, it's based on some random novel and he plays a very different serial killer than his Aussie-native Mick Taylor. He even has an American accent! His usual method is to garrote his victims with a steel wire and cut off their heads so he can put them in a glass jar. Sounds a bit messy, but if that's how he gets his kicks...

All is good fun for ol' John Jarratt until he sets his sights on Danielle Harris. She's the one who gives him conflicting emotions after she escapes his first murder attempt. Should I fuck her, or should I kill her? Hmm... Obviously, I would prefer the first option, but he's not so sure.

While his fixation on sweet Danielle manifests, detectives Casper Van Dien and Rae Dawn Chong are on the hunt for him, and there's your movie. Danielle gives a good performance, but the movie isn't great by any means. Decent production values and a moderate amount of blood and violence aren't enough to make this movie stand out. The story isn't as tense as it wants to be, but it's far from the worst.

I did think it was funny that when he fantasizes about her, they flash images of her famous sexy photo shoot of her in her underwear on the bed.

#Review

Skeleton Man 2004

Based on the poster art I saw, I would expect this movie to be a body horror in the likes of The Incredible Melting Man or Monsturd. That's not what this movie is. Not at all.

Two dull archaeologists brag about unearthing some trinket from an Indian burial ground, and that usually entails some cliche shaman magic. The skeleton man appears and kills the shit out of them as soon as the movie starts. I guess he's supposed to be some vengeful spirit or something. He's dressed in a black cloak, his face is a skull, and he has superhuman strength. Plus, there's some bad editing that allows his attacks to always hit people no matter what their proximity is to him. It's clear that the producers think he is a very cool character, but is he? Is he really?

Now, the main plot kicks into gear. An elite team of special forces mercenaries head into the woods to rescue another team, only to be plagued by the phantom hunter who picks them off one by one. Sounds a lot like Predator, huh? Well, this movie is a total rip-off of Predator, except instead of bodybuilders like Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers, you've got Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien.

The setup is very reminiscent of the aforementioned film. The villain has his own predator-vision, and they even rip-off some direct lines from Predator, like, "If it breathes, we can kill it." Not so subtle in your influences, huh? And to think, just a few years earlier, Michael Rooker was starring in theatrical movies, including one with the actual Schwarzenegger. Now, he's in this DTV drek.

For a movie with a 2.1 on IMDb, it's a lot more watchable than you would expect. However, it does get pretty redundant when the same shit happens over and over again. Everyone is either a terrible shot, or their bullets have no effect on skeleton man. Then he kills more people, over and over again. There's no real insight given to him or his intentions other than some tribal savage native going on a killing spree, as told by some old native who really loves beans. He wont answer any questions unless you bring him a can of beans, because beans are some kind of magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you... don't give a shit about anything that goes on in this movie. He's indestructible. We get it.

Eventually, this movie does end, and for a movie such a gnarly opening, the result is underwhelming. But it's a great way to get some turkey points, especially if you want to strive for a Casper Van Dien trifecta. That guy is in all kinds of garbage movies.

#Review

Rank the Halloween series

For those of us who have seen them all.

I can't say they're all as fresh in my mind as the new one, but I'm pretty sure this is where I stand...

Original
Halloween (2018)
Halloween Kills
Halloween Ends
Halloween 3
Halloween H2o
Halloween 2
Halloween 4
Halloween 5
Resurrection
Halloween 6

Leatherface: TCM III (1990) 

Not even remotely worth writing a review for, but thought I'd say something after giving this one yet another shot last night. Yeah, I'm just not feeling this one. Never will.

What the hell happened here? That was a pretty sweet trailer they had there, but what a mediocre, somewhat pointless attempt at keeping a series going. The first one is legendary for a reason. Genuinely scary. TCM2 was almost equally as good, but in a more crazy 80's slasher kinda way, which I think was a wise route to take at that point. Part 4, of course, is the one literally everyone on the planet hates except Fuad. But this Leatherface movie is just kinda there. It's not that bad, it's certainly not that good, but does anyone give a fuck about this movie or even have opinions one way or the other?

And I'm still not entirely sure if this is supposed to be Leatherface from 1&2 (well, obviously not 2), or just some similar character. Who's all those people he's lving with? Like a foster family? And is that supposed to be the same grandpa? That fucker is clearly long dead. Are they ever all that clear on how we got from the original to this one? Because I'm pretty sure that narration in the beginning doesn't clear up as much as it should.