Mid-Century (2022)

I watched this, this past weekend. I wasn't sure what to expect, because it only has a 3.3 average rating on IMDB, but apparently it won the Best Picture award at the L.A. Film Festivel this past summer.

Soooo, I guess I have mixed feelings about it. As a proud member of this board, I was hoping that the 3.3 rating came from senseless, gratuitous violence, nudity, general mayhem and carnage, yadda yadda yadda. Sadly, I don't think those are the reasons for its low rating.

I think they tried to make a serious art film. I kept being reminded of the Ingmar Bergman movie Persona (1966), which I was forced at gunpoint to watch at some point in my life... it must have been in school. It just had a lot of close ups of people's faces, deep in thought, saying cryptically artisitc things. Well, not exactly, but it definitely had that same feeling as Persona. I was also reminded of the 1990 William Friedkin movie The Guardian, just because it is mostly set in an architecturally cool, kind of modern-ish house, and it does similar things with camera angles, etc. Barbarian is another film that leapt to mind, for very obvious reasons.

It is about an affluent couple in their thirties. The man is an architect, the woman is a doctor. It kind of bugged me that they seemed so well off, but that isn't really the plot. The man is kind of an asshole, fooling around with his secretary or business partner (I'm not sure which) while his wife is off saving people's lives at the hospital. They rent a cool house for a weekend, so the husband can experience its architecture. He is a big fan of the architect who had designed the place, back in the 50s.

They gradually learn (of course) that the house has a mysterious, shadowy history. The architect that designed the place also lived there, and he was into a weird cult that had bizarre occult aims. The house has both bad ghosts and good ones... I'll leave it to you to figure that out for yourself.

It's not a bad movie, but I'm surprised that it won any awards. I guess the critics must have felt obliged to give it some kind of award because it just looks and feels very artistic, even though it isn't that great of a horror movie. A few of the actresses are cute, soooo it gets points for that. But, it gets pretty confusing by the end. Several of the characters are possessing each other, at various points toward the end, sometimes overlapping. You really have to pay attention to keep track of what is going on.

Now that I look more carefully at its ratings on IMDB, I see that most people just gave it a 1 or 2 out of 10, while a few people gave it an 8 or a 10. Those few people are probably family and friends of the director, or of the actors. I don't think I can really recommend this one.... I guess, if you liked The Guardian, especially, then you MIGHT want to give this a shot... maybe just start watching it, while being prepared to bail at any moment.

OK, that's my two cents... you're on your own.

Violent Night 2022

I didn't know this was a Tommy Wirkola movie. The Dead Snow movies were okay. Decent effort there, but nothing groundbreaking. This one here, VIOLENT NIGHT, instantly seems comparable to Fat Man (2020) with Mel Gibson, another recent effort to depict Santa as a bad-ass version capable of kicking some ass.

The description likens it to Die Hard and Home Alone, which is partially accurate. I feel Home Alone has plenty of leisure before the conflict, but our movie VN doesn't linger about too long. The Die Hard thing is much more fitting.

David Harbour does a terrific job as St. Nick. I think the guy is good in anything, though. His backstory is also hilariously dark for a Santa Claus, which is why he plays it as a bitter drunk, disillusioned with the holiday because people as a society are awful. I like the fights for the choreography, but also because he gets his ass kicked in a lot of these fights, which is always better than watching some invincible The Rock type character.

The villain plot is pretty weak, but John Leguizamo does his best for such a cutout role. The villains are all pricks, begging for a cruel demise, and they'll get one. The family isn't much better, but mostly assholes for comic relief. You're supposed to root for Santa and the little girl who relies on him, and you do. Through her, you get the Home Alone homage, which features some good 'n gross acts of violence.

It's not the greatest, but it is pretty fun. I think I like Fat Man a bit more though.

#Review

Captain Splatter

When I was halfway through high school in the mid-2000s, I had to move. I'd been in that town and school district for 7 years and it was good to me. Suddenly, I had to leave all that behind for a shittier school where I couldn't make friends or maintain my grades.

I became a recluse. I had saved enough money to buy my first computer at a mere/whopping $600, so I learned to get by with dvds and mp3s. Suffice to say, I was pretty cool, but not that cool. I still had a lot to learn about people, and what better a teacher than a message board filled with snobs and trolls?

I would frequent IMDb's Sandbox, Soapbox, Music General, and eventually... the Horror board. That's where I would encounter him. He was an OG troll who recommended the gnarliest movies at the time. Stuff like Cannibal Holocaust and Evil Dead. And stuff like The Stuff.

It wasn't long after I read his posts that I fell in love. I admired him and wanted to be like him. He was a rebel who returned like genital warts, time and time again, no matter how many times they banished him. As crass as he could be, his logic seemed to impress upon me. More than I'd expect.

I wouldn't be a horror fan if it weren't for him. I wouldn't know half the shit I do about Italian horror or interpersonal dynamics if I didn't follow his lead and learn the lost art of being a troll. For some reason, he fascinated me. Then, he ghosted the internet.

He went on to live one of those "real lives" with those fabled "real people" that can be so elusive, and so the life lessons were over. That's it? I didn't know what to do with myself at that point except to actually find myself, but it's easier when you have a template to go on. He was my template.

I'd talk to his lady every now and then. I'd even tricked her into coming on the site a few times, but basically, I was happy in just knowing that he existed, capable of playing the role of a normal rational human being, but also that of a psychotic madman who suffers the same mental breakdowns as everyone else. The only difference is that when he did it, he was more entertaining.

It's a terrible feeling when the remnants of your childhood dwindle. Doors close, windows open, but why can't I open that door again? I miss what's behind that door. That era was half my life ago, but it doesn't make it any less meaningful.

I'm sure you've interacted or even met with a few people on message boards. People you were fond of. People you respected. People who have died. The Horror board has already had at least a few casualties at this point, and there's another one for the fire. Rest in Peace, Captain.

Smile 2022

There aren't a lot of horror films that want to compete with H-Ends this season, but here's one of them.

It's kinda like that Ring curse. And kinda like the It Follows curse. The smile demon (for lack of a better name) drives you mad, then you smile at someone and kill yourself in front of them, traumatizing them into the same curse. Also, is he even a thing? Can he be defeated? Or is it all psychological? After all, there sure are a lot of dream sequences. And jump scares.

Sounds pretty standard, huh? Well, it is. However, I never felt that it was bad at any point. It had the cliches. Sometimes, those dreaded cliches aren't too bad. Our lead does a good job of descending into madness. Gee whiz, it sure must be fun for actors to play someone who is unraveling. It also had vibes of that recent flick Unsane. Probably the hospital setting, in addition to the mental breakdowns.

So the cast is good, the score is grating, and it earns its R-rating. It's fun to try to figure out the rules along the way. How does the curse work? How can we beat it? I think it could have some interesting mechanics that could work in an rpg. Curses like these are comparable to a virus in some ways. Transmission, symptoms, durations, treatments... Yet at the same time, I'm glad it doesn't go too in depth trying to figure out the rules, so the audience can be left to use that imagination thingy.

On the walk to the theater, I was reminded of my previous walk home from the theater. I saw two people fucking under a bridge. 🙂

#Review

Nope (2022)

Hey, am I doing something wrong here? Aren't there some threads here about Nope? I can't find any. I could swear I've seen people talking about it here. Maybe we have talked about it on a thread about other Jordan Peele movies. Hmmm.

Well, I will come back and say more about it later today, but just for the moment I wanted to mention that if you like Nope, you might also enjoy the less well-known Monsters (2010), starring Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able. I shouldn't say too much about why Nope reminds me of it... just make a mental note.

Anyway, just to say something briefly about Nope: I pretty much liked it, but I'm wondering if JP bit off a little more than he could chew with this one. I felt like he was trying to do a whole bunch of things with this movie, and make tons of statements. I am not sure they all hung together in an ideal way. It is much more likely, of course, that he did everything perfectly, PERFECTLY, in fact, UNPRECEDENTEDLY PERFECTLY, and I personally am just incapable of understanding what a brilliant achievement Nope is.

Griswold's Christmas Bonus

I was watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation the other day. Good flick, but the ending peeves me, due to his views on his Christmas bonus. He started making all these plans for what he'd spend his bonus on, like a swimming pool, putting down-payments on it, but then his boss stiffs him on the bonus and he goes on a rant about how it's not right to deny people of their bonuses when they rely on them as part of their income.

Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of a BONUS? You shouldn't factor that in at all, because it absolutely is NOT something you should expect. Yet he's supposed to be the hero because he thinks he's owed this shit? Talk about entitled. Then in the typical American fashion, he complains about it until his boss "sees the error of his ways" and bam. He's the hero? What an asshole.

Polonia Movies

God, these movies are awful. It really is sadistic of anyone stupid enough to use these movies for points, and damn it... I'm one of them.

Mark Polonia shits out about 8 movies a year. His budget is probably zilch, but so are the stories, acting, effects, and purpose. I keep thinking to myself, "Why is he still making this garbage?" and the only thing I can think of is an inside joke of sorts. I imagine he lost a bet, or thought it would be funny to make a living off of directing sheer garbage. To him, he probably thinks he's living the dream. A director of various genres and beloved tropes, like slashers... sharks... mockbusters. Sure, these movies sound good on paper, but the result is something completely unsensational. There is nothing worth remembering about any of his movies.

The actors are also terrible. Jeff Kirkendall is a common collaborator used for major roles, and this dude has no charm. He reminds me of Bill from Workaholics, who was noteworthy for being useless and lame. Then, he uses Jamie Morgan a lot, because he needs a female actor in his movies. She can never wipe that stupid smile from her face, and her acting seems like it gets worse with every new movie. Danielle Donahue looks like a bitch, but of course he would have her in his movies. She's the best looking woman he'll find, but she still isn't a good actor. Ken Van Sant isn't great, but I like him on account of his redneck hair. Tim Himmelberger is as wooden as it gets. He does not emote at all, which I guess is funny in theory, but painful in execution. Then of course... Mark Polonia also stars in his movies, making him the writer, director, producer, star, and editor of all these shitshows. He also has no personality. He's like a machine operating on the sole directive of "create shitty movies". He absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

I hate pretty much all of these movies. However, I hated Feeders 3 and Return to Splatter Farm a bit less than the others. I haven't seen the original Camp Blood movies, but if the sequels are anything to go by, than this is a franchise that should not exist. Polonia directed a bunch of these turds, and I my brain already wiped them from my memory. It's a coping mechanism for my sanity. I can't remember anything about his movies, because they're so mundane. At least Chris Seaver movies have fart jokes and don't give a shit, but what do Polonia movies have? Something completely unsensational.

Here's the plot twist though... See, I watch these movies to get inspired by the amateur go-getter attitudes of hungry filmmakers. If they're influenced by the same classics you know and love, it'll show through their work that they have that common interest that you do, and you both share something special in your fandom and love for a movie.

Not Polonia though. He shows no interest in succeeding in any one of the many genres and rip-offs he's done. He makes shark movies, but has he even seen Jaws? My guess would be no, but he heard of it, and decided to make his own version. He makes camp slashers, but do his movies feature any of the tension, gore, and atmosphere as the classics? Or the sequels to the classics? No, he'll never live up to the grandeur of Camp Blood: Part 1!

The point here is that his movies are sooooooo bad, they'll have anyone thinking that they can make a better movie, but the truth is... no, you can't.

Being imaginative is hard. You have to do it on your own time, which is skimpy if you have "adult responsibilities" to manage, so to say that your lazy ass can make a better movie is instantly proven wrong when you say to yourself, "Sure, I can make a better movie, but I wont, because I'm a responsibile adult with other more important things to do."

That's your excuse? Time management? But here Polonia is, shitting out a movie a month just to prove us assholes wrong. His movies are automatically better than our movies, because they actually exist. That's the harsh reality of Mark Polonia. He seems like a nerd you need to steal lunch money from, but he's actually better than us. Fuck that guy.

Black Friday Streaming Deals

Most of these streaming services suck, but I caved and got a few of them because the deals were so good. A year of Hulu for $24, a year of Peacock for $12, and 3 months of HBO for $6.

These are all the ad-filled versions though. These ads get excessive sometimes. Sometimes, Tubi gives me 7 fucking ads in a row. Netflix is also doing an ad version now, but I very rarely watch it. I was thinking of downgrading it, but it comes at the cost of lower picture quality, which is a real dick move. It's like offering the competition price, but covered with piss and shit. I guess some people like piss and shit though.

Now that I have all these wonderful streaming services, here's the massive list of what I plan to watch:

...

Yeah, there's nothing specific.

Barbarian 2022

I really can't say much about it without spoiling it, but it's definitely an interesting ride. You don't know wtf it's about for a while. You think you have an idea, then it turns into something different. I did appreciate that it had a defined 3-act structure to keep us on our toes. It seems like abrupt differences in tone, but it all comes together. A good mix of slow-burn with some more traditional horror elements toward the end.

I also like how shitty Detroit feels in this movie. It would be a creepy place to be, that's for sure.

To my disappointment, Conan never did appear. The title is still relevant, even though it seems like it isn't for the longest time. Be patient and you'll understand why it's called that.

#Review

All Zombie movies are shit compared to The Walking Dead, imo

Nothing against any of those movies. I love a lot of them but this show is just amazing on so many more levels. I really give a fuck what happens. Have never given a fuck what happens to anyone in any Zombie movie. However, The hate makes my head spin. I'm all for bashing popular shit but even I have my limits as far as ignoring quality. I remember such disdain expressed on The Walking Dead board on the IMDb, and any FB Horror groups I frequent are not much different. I can see someone who doesn't like Zombies or post-apocalyptic subject matter not being up for it, but I think people tend to exaggerate this show's alleged decline or it being in a rut. I mean, my God! Look at all the other garbage they play on tv these days. Is The Walking Dead really THAT bad? My only gripe from the beginning was how certain characters got killed off a season or 2 too soon. If anything has led to sagging ratings, it's that. Some lousy decisions were made here and there but I think this show has maintained a certain level of quality even at its lowest point, whatever that is.

So, thoughts on The walking Dead? Thoughts on the direction of the show since Negan showed up? Thoughts on what went down this past sunday as well as the announcements for the future?