I don't always write about PG movies, but when I do ... I don't know. I just do, sometimes. However, when I do take a more family-friendly route, you can bet your goddamned ass that PG movie is going to be pre-80's. Why? Because Pre-80's PG doesn't feel like PG at all. They just feel like regular movies. Nowadays, a PG rating might as well be a G rating. Or they more of less are now that "G" has sort of been phased out. To hell with now, though. Today, we're going all the way back to 1969. To a simpler, quieter time, and in a lot of ways, a better time. Today, we're going to take a look at an underseen sex comedy that is far more entertaining than it was probably ever intended to be. Today, we're going to watch three teenage boys trying to get their dicks wet, and only one succeeds. This is The First Time!
Kenny, Mike, and Tommy are the best of friends, and probably have been since a very young age. Today, Kenny's dad is moving him away, so, the gang is finally being broken up. Kenny's dad has a job which is requiring him to travel, so, not only does the motherless Kenny gets dumped on the grandparents, but he has to start over in a new town and at a new school. The depressed, little fella already felt inadequate, now, he's just lost. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a short-lived light. Mike and Tommy plan to visit Kenny, soon, and they already have some plans worked out for the reunion. Here's the thing: Kenny may or may not have thought he was ever going to see these guys again, so, he stretched the truth a bit when writing to them, never thinking he would be found out. However, things always seem to have a way of coming to light, don't they?
So, yeah. In so many words, Kenny has been telling these guys that he's been fucking bitches left and right. Kenny claimed he and some older friends (which don't exist) have been going to Canada and hitting up the whore houses. The lying little virgin pricks, Mike and Tommy, have Kenny convinced they've been fucking bitches, too, and for free. So, Mike and Tommy are very vocal about their expectations, while Kenny has to think of something and quick, or, the guys will think he's a fag, which he kind of is.
Kenny stalls for as long as he can, but the guys manage to drag the obviously hesitant Kenny all the way to Niagara Falls, Canada. After aimlessly leading Mike and Tommy around town, Kenny lucks out and spots an abandoned building, immediately expressing phony outrage about his favorite whore house getting raided. Nice save! I'll give him that, but now, Mike is all hot and bothered and dead set on some pussy, which means the hunt continues. Hey, at least Kenny is off the hook to make this happen. Getting found out is the only reason he was scared, I guess. Kenny now seems ready for a little ass, if at all possible. Tommy appears to be the only one that's not into this. As we later learn, it's because he wants to save himself for marriage, and is too scared to admit it out of fear of the guys thinking he's a fag. The three boys stumble upon a whore house-bar, and over zealously follows out a woman, thinking she's a hooker. The woman is played by a young Jaqueline Bisset, before she learned to act, apparently. Poor girl was playing the role of a seemingly sweet person, but comes off cold and unfriendly due to wooden acting. The guys don't care about personality or acting. Only pussy. Except Tommy. Tommy is literally about to piss himself because of all this.
The boys' new friend, Anna, is just some chick looking to get through the border so she can get in touch with some married man she's been sleeping with. As the boys persuade Anna back to their hotel room, they nervously try to decide how to approach this unsuspecting woman who has given zero indication that she is a prostitute. One of them shows that he's all talk and always has been, one gets off easy, and the other one gets a very pleasant surprise in the end. So, at the very least, Anna is a bit of a slut. A very nice one, though.OK, don't even ask me why I would write about this movie because I don't have an answer. I just used to watch this on tv whenever they played it, and usually kept it on that channel until it was over. We all have our movies which we know are lame, but can't help finding comfort in. The First Time is just one of those movies, reminiscent of the simpler, quieter time, mentioned earlier. I like that shit, and I like that "Leave It To Beaver" feel of the whole thing, which was still noticeably out of place by 1969. We were very much at the point where a film like this could use some titties or a little toilet humor, but innocence prevails one last time before the 70's took over. 5/10
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Some bored, small town sluts want to go down to Florida for the wild Spring Break they've always heard about but never got to experience. It becomes obvious right off the bat that they put this Spring Break thing on quite the pedestal, as their lack of funds drives them to petty crime. Seemingly a one time thing, but before anything can happen, this week, well, let's just say that restaurant ain't gonna rob itself. So, in the most detached manner possible, the dumb sluts rob a restaurant and take it to Florida for the the most amazing experience they've ever had. An experience they will cherish forever and ever. An experience that will be so profound and life-changing, it's just plain meant to be. Now, let's go get drunk with a bunch of strangers!
These giggly college chicks come off more like JV Cheerleaders who just recently discovered boys and rap videos. Well, they're headed to the right place. What the girls find in Florida are the most obnoxious partiers, well, in the state of Florida, drinking, cussing, dancing and middle-fingering as hard as they can. It goes without saying that these small town sluts have now found their paradise. As they join in the fun, they make mention of their Spring Break and themselves like it's all such a bigger deal than it is. It's almost like they've all been taking tons of acid, and now, they see "symbolism" everywhere. Get over yourselves! Oh, and it's just fucking Spring Break! If THIS is going to mold who you become in life, you should just go ahead and kill yourselves.
After what seems like a 3 hour-long Girls Gone Wild commercial, we are treated to the only turn of events I found amusing: The girls end up getting arrested, shattering their little Spring Break fantasy, and reminding them that life isn't perfect, which seems to genuinely confuse them. Still taking for granted that their fun week was 100% deserved, they sit there and ponder how fate could be wrong. The sluts are eventually bailed out of jail by a walking joke with big dreams and an empty head, named Alien. A small-time Rapper who is shallow and flashy enough to keep these girl's attention, indefinitely. They're flattered by Alien's sweet talk and just as impressed by all his stuff as he is, if not more. While it doesn't seem like he means them any harm, it's pretty obvious Alien is full of shit in just about every way. Although this is never acknowledged. Much like the small town sluts, Alien seems like he may be too stupid to even realize how full of shit he is. It happens.
Alien and his new friends (minus one who took off) dance, fuck, drink, play with guns, throw their middle fingers in the air, all the while acting like it's all a far deeper experience than it is. All of this goes on at an infuriating rate until an actual storyline comes along involving Alien's feud with an actual black guy. Alien lays on the sweet talk extra thick, finds some pussy masks, and convinces his hoes to help him take out his enemy, so they can continue having Spring Break forever. Because that's a thing, apparently.
