The old Universal monsters were great. At least I'm sure they seemed like it at the time to all the depression-era folks who got their minds blown by all the Horror come to life. I mean, sure. They're ok. I mostly liked them as a kid, and will always respect them for what they were. But Dracula? Frankenstein? Wolf Man? The Mummy? They have a place. And t's called the 1930's and 40's. But of course, there's Hammer, who resurrected them all for the late 50's to early 70's era. A seemingly endless amount of films that probably should have been a little more interesting than they were, and despite wearing out their welcome a bit, they too ran their course. So, by 1973, who would want more of that? Trust me. You want this!
In 1973, Trash/semi-gay-themed Art Film director, Paul Morrissey was ready for something a little different. Best known for his Flesh/Trash/Heat Trilogy with friend/producer, Andy Warhol, Morrissey would try to infuse his Waters-esque style into a horror project, which quickly became two horror projects. More on the second one some other time, but the first was to be Flesh For Frankenstein, also known as Andy Warhol's Frankenstein. A trashier, more perverted take on the Mary Shelley classic. In other words, Morrissey dragged the legend of Frankenstein into the 70's. And with Udo Kier brought on board to play the Doctor, it seems as though we're finally in for something different.
That Baron Frankenstein is a weird one, eh? Being married to his sister and all. Having two kids with her, even. Plus, he's always in that laboratory with that little weirdo, Otto, who is probably a little too dedicated for a mere assistant, but hey. Good help isn't always easy to come by. And the Baron is sure to keep him in check. Those two rascals have been gathering up dead bodies and sewing parts together so that the Baron can create a race of Super Serbians, starting with a man and a woman, whose purpose will be to mate. These Super Serbians will answer only to Baron Frankenstein. Something about ruling the world. It's a hobby. I guess it's a hobby. It's the only thing he ever thinks about or talks about. And seemingly the only thing that matters to him. That's called a hobby, right?
Dr. Frankenstein is a lot of things, but family man is not one of them. Baron's sister-wife doesn't seem to mind as long as nobody bothers her with anything. Their two kids don't have personalities, and probably hate them. One could say that the Frankenstein's are one lousy ass family. We find out the Baron is a bit of a hypocrite, as he is not shy about showing what a big prude he is. Meanwhile, he decides to test out the female before she's even brought to life. By the way. Is there a word for that? If you make love with someone who isn't alive yet, that's technically not necrophilia, right?
So, the female is obviously good to go. however the head of the male has yet to be retrieved. Frankenstein and Otto spy on a couple of locals who aim to get their dicks wet at the local brothel. One of them seems to be tearing them all up pretty good. Due to a misunderstanding, Frankenstein and Otto ambush and remove the head of the wrong guy. And when I say "wrong", I mean asexual, or possibly a repressed homo. We don't really get to know him well enough to tell.
The one whose life was spared would have served them well, though. Nicholas is all about the poon. A very out of place character played by Morrissey regular, Joe Dallesandro. Joe isn't happy to find his buddy's head missing when he wakes up the next morning. Nobody needs that shit AND a hangover. Joe is determined to solve this mystery, or at least slightly motivated, but in typical Joe fashion, he is distracted by an affair he stumbles upon with Baroness Frankenstein. He tries getting her to help, but she doesn't care. After stumbling upon the laboratory, Joe very well may figure something out, this time. Oh, and yeah. The Super Serbians aren't ever going to fuck. The Baron is not pleased. This makes Otto sad.And there you have it. The perfect 70's B-Horror flick. Gore, nudity, all kinds of perversion, atmosphere, beautiful score, beautiful location. Just beautiful! Considering the hit or miss, John Waters-light, career that Paul Morrissey had going, this was no doubt shockingly good to many who originally saw it. The 3D gimmick was also probably a welcomed quality. Monique van Vooren added a touch of weirdness that didn't go unnoticed. The idea of a married brother and sister, who have no interest in one another, is a bit which never gets old. And Joe... well, he's definitely Joe. Nothing can take that away from him. Apparently, he figured his acting in past Morrissey films was adequate, as it certainly hasn't improved since Andy Warhol's Trash. My favorite part of this movie has always been the assistant, Otto, played by Arno Juerging. We never really find out what his deal is, but I'd be willing to bet he's the sickest fuck of them all. If you like good Horror, if you like bad Horror, if you like anything at all in this world, you'll love this movie. Promise! 9/10
#Review
It's just so perfectly cheesy in every way a bad 80's movie should be. Starting off in a New Jersey health club full of dumb fucks, pumping iron to that gloriously stupid song. We notice retarded looking mop boy, Melvin Ferd, who gets under the skin of two couples in a hot tub, who I'm guessing are Lloyd Kaufman's idea of asshole teenagers. The leader, Bozo, almost ends Melvin, but instead decides to have his meltdown in private. Much like many Tromaville citizens, these four are full of hate. One indication being the little game they play, later that night, where they go around running over people with Bozo's car. A pointless, but priceless scene just to confirm who the dicks are, I guess.
Of course, Tromaville is full of dicks. These four teenagers are just a tip of the ice berg. The toxic waste capital of the world lives up to its name in every way. Good people like Melvin Ferd are shat upon, while people like Bozo, and the 400 pound crime boss-Mayor, Peter Belgoody, are kings. Bozo and friends are still mad at Melvin, and come up with a plan to stick it to him once and for all, by humiliating him in front of the entire Health Club. I figure there would have been quite a few ways to do so, but leave it to Bozo to pick the right one. A plan that would change the course of Tromaville history forever...
Bozo gets his girlfriend, Julie, to seduce Melvin, who has clearly never even felt a boob. Well, one thing leads to another, and Melvin ends up kissing a sheep in front of everyone, leading to an eruption of laughter which follows him as he tries to escape the nightmare. Melvin is so desperate to get away from this unexpected ridicule, that he ends up taking a dive out the window, landing in a barrel of toxic waste, which was in the back of a truck, occupied by careless cokeheads. The laughter doesn't cease. As Melvin catches fire, he runs home to take a bath which is totally reasonable, considering. I'm guessing it was the water mixed with the toxic waste that did it, but at this point, Melvin transforms into a green, muscle-bound freak, who we later discover to have an uncontrollable compulsion to destroy evil, which means about 80% of Tromavlle is pretty much fucked.
We are then treated to a handful of some rather gruesome beatdowns. Most probably favor the taco restaurant scene, where the one guy says "always did wanna cornhole me a blind bitch". The blind bitch is Sarah, and she remains uncornholed thanks to Melvin, who decimates the bad guys in seconds, and gets a hot new girlfriend for his trouble. Melvin's first girlfriend. They fall in love, as the obviously low maintenance Sarah comes to live with Melvin at the dump. Melvin has it all, now. A girlfriend who can't see him, a hometown that's getting nicer and nice to live in, and most importantly, a purpose. Although misunderstood by some, Melvin only kills evil, and he is currently working on those hit and run pricks from earlier. However, that fat slob of a mayor is smart enough to know his days are numbered if he doesn't do something about this "monster hero" fast!
The backwoods cannibal family consists of three guys. One of which is obviously the leader, with a loudmouth spaz and masked mute, who the other two call "retard". These three brothers have a mother that's never seen on camera, who has sent her boys out to hunt for food. They're obviously experienced at this, as they stalk for most of the movie, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. And once they do, it all turns into quite the gore-fest. In between, we're treated to some damn fine 80's schlock, and then some. Oh, and how could I forget? That repetitive keyboard tune that sounds like it's trying to play Aerosmoth's Dream On, but is too shy to get started. A somber-sounding little tune that makes me think of Autumn. To me, that's what camping should always sound like.
Tommy Wiseau not only directed this, but wrote, produced, financed, and starred in it, as well. Without that last one, The Room would be nothing. Tommy plays Johnny, a San Francisco banker who has it all. Hot fiancee, good friends, a European accent, a positive attitude, and some weird kid who hangs around, giving off rapey vibes and making things awkward. Johnny wants this kid, Denny, to be his son, and even pays his rent so they can be near each other. I'm pretty sure Denny wants to rape Johnny's girlfriend. The awkwardness is never really acknowledged, but as sane, rational people, we the audience, could cut it with a knife. Johnny and Lisa try to get it on, but Denny wants to play with them. Johnny, who is a super nice guy, politely directs the little weirdo out of his room, as he lets out an uncomfortable laugh.
We soon learn that Lisa is a fickle little bitch, and it's revealed that she's pretty much bored with nice guy, Johnny, who seems to remain clueless, regardless of how she treats him. After Lisa's mother pressures her to stick it out for security reasons, she goes around telling people that Johnny hit her. Johnny doesn't believe it, and confirms this with a little rant on the roof, ending with a denial more resembling a yawn, followed by an epic throwing of a bottle of water, all gracefully leading to a friendly greeting to best friend, Mark. "Oh, hi, Mark!" Mark's been getting it on with Lisa. Lisa has decided she wants it all. All the security Johnny can provide, as well as the dick of her choosing. All without the guilt. Supressing the guilt only makes her come off more cunty. Johnny, however, happens to be the world's most understanding boyfriend, and proves so by showing Lisa unconditional love while she continues to "tear him apart".
And then, there's this one scene that should have had some sort of impact on the story, but didn't. Instead, it just appears out of nowhere, creates a shitstorm, and simply vanishes. Never to be mentioned again. In this scene, creepy little Denny, who is revealed to be an 18 year old, gets into it with a drug dealer on the roof. The same roof Johnny threw the water bottle on. Angry drug dealer threatens to kill Denny if he doesn't cough up the cash he owes. Denny's been dabbling in a drug that is never revealed, but before Denny gets it, he's saved by Johnny and Mark, who take the bad guy to jail, leaving Johnny to get grilled by Lisa and Lisa's mom, who are both hysterical over Denny's alleged drug use. This makes Denny also hysterical. Johnny comes back and makes it all ok.
Almost every scene after this which features Denny, he has a football with him, and pleads with anyone present to play catch with him. Denny almost seems like he's playing a different character, now. However, we're reminded of his creepiness while he throws around the pigskin with Johnny. Well, that and how awkward and confusing the script can be. Denny confesses that he wants to kiss Lisa and tell her he loves her. Johnny gives some sappy speech about how the world would be a better place if more people loved each other, solving absolutely nothing. Although Denny seems to feel better about things, which is all that matters, I guess.
As Mark and Lisa continue to betray Johnny, the guilt gets to them more and more, turning Mark into an abusive pothead. As Mark confides in Johnny about the "manipulative bitch" that's been messing with his head, Johnny starts to put 2 and 2 together, and ends up recording an incriminating conversation, which never seems to serve much of a purpose. Lisa and Mark could have easily gone on doing what they were doing behind Johnny's back, and it wouldn't have been the end of the world, but they decided to be dicks about it, seemingly as a way to deal with the guilt of betraying this swell guy. As a birthday party is thrown for Johnny, things get heated after Lisa and Mark randomly decide they're tired of of sneaking around. As we witness one confusing series of arguments and makeups, things take a surprisingly dark turn. And if this were any other movie, then, maybe it wouldn't have turned out quite so funny. But hey. This is The Room!
From what I've heard, Tommy Wiseau is also unaware that The Room is in fact a bad film, and is infuriated that it's gained the reputation as one of the all-time great bad films. This alleged European really stumbled upon something great with this epic failure of a Romantic Drama, which sort of serves as a Softcore porno. I mean, three sex scenes in the first half hour, right? I'm pretty sure this counts as one of those. More like one of those filmed in the same bizarro world as Troll 2. And like Troll 2, there are many memorable headscratcher quotes, and moments that simply makes no sense. why does Tommy Wiseau think chickens go "Cheep"? Why did nobody wise him up before shooting? And what is with the CGI city? The weirdness is one thing, but my God, that acting and delivery is what makes The Room so... Roomy? One dimensional characters played by actors who just aren't very good at acting like they know each other. Wiseau especially comes off like an alien whose attemtping to blend in with Humans. Perhaps this guy is as delusional and full of himself as I've heard, but Tommy Wiseau had a vision of what he wanted his masterpiece to be, and he's not going to let reality get in the way of how he views the finished product. So, think what you want, and laugh all you want. Just leave your stupid comments in your pocket! 7/10
So, for my next couple viewings, I made it a point to pay closer attention just to get this whole thing as straight as possible. Director, Chuck Handy, plays Percy "Spider" Liebowitz. A drifter and Kipp Dynamite lookalike, who is running from the past and himself, as he puts it. Percy, I mean Spider, comes across a woman named Cathy, who he finds standing out in the middle of nowhere, for a reason unknown to her. This scene was obviously a retake, as we could spot a second of the original before it gets taped over. Spider claims to be a fan of the confused young woman, who, as it turns out, is a famous powerlifter. And while I wouldn't say the actress looks to be out of shape, it doesn't appear she's lifted a weight in her life. As Cathy repeatedly tries to fall into Spider's arms, as if she feels light headed, it merely looks like she keeps hugging him. I really don't know what to make of this scene, but I think aliens were involved.
Cathy wants a protein shake, so, her and Spider take it to "the bar", which appears to be someone's kitchen. Spider and Cathy chat about how she used to be 300 pounds, until they're interrupted by some guy who offers Cathy money for sex. Another character is attempted to be edited into the scene, but only serves as more confusion. Spider gets mouthy with Cathy's potential customer and gets decked for it. We then cut to, you guessed it! The worst fight ever! Spider takes on several random people while we hear sound effects that sound like an old west saloon fight. Or maybe that's just me. I'm not exactly sure what I was hearing. After what seems like a good half hour of careful pretend-brawling, a silver-skinned Cathy reappears, pissed off about that guy not having enough money in his bank account. So, she breaks him. I thought she was kidding, but I guess she was really going to fuck that guy.
The now devastated Cathy flees to an old, abandoned house (someone's garage) to hide, but Spider soon catches up, wanting answers. It seems like we miss the first few seconds of this conversation, but Cathy speaks of some unwanted powers she now has, which seems to be connected to whatever was going on before he found her. Aliens, I guess. Spider asks her if she can stop being silver, and she does. So, I'm not sure what the problem is.
We then cut to a fight in someone's backyard, where trashcans are being thrown at Spider and Velasquez by unseen friends of Chuck Handy. The two hardasses know this is a fight to the death, and fight as such. So, basically, the next five minutes consists of two grown men punching, kicking, throwing and shooting trashcans. Part of it, we get to see twice. The camera sure man thinks it's funny. We later discover that Cathy was abducted by Queen Masuka, who seems to be in charge of the trashcans, whose days are seemingly numbered. Spider and Velasquez make plans to shoot them all, or at least tip them over, so Spider can be reunited with his lady friend, who he is now in love with. Yeah. Something about aliens...
Herschell and Dave found a pleasant little area in St. Cloud, Florida, to represent "the South". No city or state is ever acknowledged in the movie, however. With a town at his disposal, Herschell fills it with roughly 50 maniacs, who trick six Yankee travelers into getting lost in Pleasant Valley. A town full of the most enthusiastic Southerners you'll find anywhere. Not all of which are very good at sounding Southern. But what are they so enthusiastic about? Well, a Centinnial is about to take place, and in order to celebrate properly, this shin dig must include a bunch of Yankee guests. The more clueless, the better. And they sure do got them some clueless ones, this time.
Four of the six consist of two married couples, eager to do a little messing around with some friendly locals, making it easy to keep them separated. Most of these Yankees are welcoming the unexpected good time into their vacations. The Southern hospitality, the change of scenery, the hard drinks. All a distraction. These Pleasant Valley hicks only want one thing from these people. They want their own good times enhanced with Yankee screams, Yankee suffering, and some good 'ol Yankee gore. One cheating wife gets her arm chopped off, which shouldn't have immediately killed her, but did for some reason. One drunk idiot lets the hicks tie ropes to all his limbs, which are also tied to four horses. You can imagine how that ends. My favorite, however. The barrel role. A barrel with nails hammered right through it. The makin's for one painful death. Whatever these hayseed's problem is, it becomes clear that they are not fucking around.
This one was always Herschell's favorite. It wasn't the goriest thing he ever did, and he'll always be known for the movie he made shortly before it, but when it' all said and done, Two Thousand Maniacs is Herschell Gordon Lewis' greatest cinematic achievement. Not a boring moment to be had, pretty much everyone is likable, and the killings have got to be some of the most creative to date. And the enthusiasm from the cast brought it all together. Off and on regular, Jeffery Allen, was as entertaining as ever as the Foghorn Leghorn-esque Mayor Buckman. Thomas Wood and Connie Mason still don't have much chemistry between them, but it was nice to see them back together, just the same. Connie looks noticeably older and classier with shorter hair, and for Thomas Wood, Two Thousand Maniacs proves how capable he was of carrying a film like this. It's a shame they didn't return for Color Me Blood Red, as it all would have seemed more like a complete trilogy.
Bad, but somewhat redeeming if you enjoy total trainwrecks. If there was ever a reason to be a closet fan of one of these, I'm sure plenty of them can be found right here. But I'll tell you what can't be found: Ideas. It just seemed like nobody had any real ideas for this. It all feels a little incomplete. There's killing, gore, titties, cheesiness, sleaziness, but this movie feels very thrown together, as if someone just wanted to make one of them S.O.V.s, and just went out and did it. Preparations be damned. Not to say there's not a story. I mean, there's not at all, I guess, but there is a reason for the madness. Some dude's cheating whore of a wife. She gets caught in the act and pays for her infidelities with her head, leading to a bunch of random murders. So, there's your story.
So, yeah. Sam mutilates B.L.O.W. one my one. Drilling a hole in one's head, and pulling an arm off another. The ugliest got the worst of it, though. The pregnant chick, whose hairy areolas are the size of pancakes, gets her stomach sliced open, and is de-fetused the old fashion way. The still pissed off Sam then throws said fetus like a football. Meanwhile, the others are tied up in the other room, doing an atrocious job at acting scared. One of them insists that there's nothing to worry about because he's probably just a lunatic who aims to rob them. This is one of those movies that makes it easy to root for the bad guy.
Well, we finally made it! The bottom of the barrel. We'll get back to the genre issue, later, but there is a lot to be said about the more obvious issue. It's just so mind numbingly bad. Usually, that statement is meant as a figure of speech. But not in this case. Night Of Horror, at one point, had to be the worst, most incompetently made Horror film in existence. And to this day, it's probably in the bottom five, if you exclude movies that are intentionally bad. Coming up with words for this non existent story is going to be a chore, but you need to know about this one, so, here goes.
It all started during a road trip Steve recently took with his half-brother and his wife, Colleen, along with her sister, Susan. The trip is mostly an opportunity for the half-brothers to check out a cabin in Virginia which they recently inherited. This trip can only be described as "ordinary". It doesn't seem like a movie road trip. It's like any road trip you've been on with your family. Sitting, waiting, some small talk, silence. Maybe a little bickering near the end. It becomes clear what few ideas they had to work with for this movie, after several drawn out scenes which included nothing but outdoor shots of the car moving, while narrator, Steve, comments on his preference for the backseat, countless times. He seems to have a crush on sister-in-law, Colleen, because he thinks she's deep. She proves this by reading him some Edgar Allen Poe. Steve approves.
Colleen is even deeper than Steve thinks, because she happens to be able to see and communicate with spirits. One night in the woods, Colleen is approached by the spirits of some Confederate soldiers, who talk far too slow, and without Southern accents. After a seance is held, these ghosts make it clear they need assistance of some kind, so they can rest in peace. But first, they want to talk about The Civil War for a while. And at this point, we are plunged into an eternity of boredom that makes us wish we were still out there in the woods with these people, merely hearing about it, as it would have to be more interesting than the Civil War reenactment footage that would not die! And let me just point out that I have never been one to fall asleep during a movie, regardless of how boring. And this one was no different until about half way through this scene, which only turned out to be about 6 or 7 minutes. An hour later, I awaken and immediately realize what had happened. Goddamn that Civil War footage! It was too much, even for me.
Night Of Horror is a movie without a pulse, a movie without a story, a movie without a clue. Night Of Horror takes the cake in a lot of areas. None of which are very favorable. However, there is something about it that is somewhat hypnotic. A no doubt unintentional dreamlike atmosphere, along with the most unfitting score imaginable, does make the mind wander. Or depending on what time you watch it, might make the mind shut down, all together. That score, though. It's a pretty one. But it also sounds like it was meant for something far more meaningful than this. Music like that usually has a story attached to it. Director, Tony Malanowski, must be one of those Civil War weirdos, because the very next year, he made another movie which could easily be seen as a loose remake of Night Of Horror. Originally titled Cuse Of The Screaming Dead, it was later retitled Curse Of The Cannibal Confederates, by Troma. A far, far better movie. However, Night Of Horror is special. This isn't just another bad movie. This isn't just another boring movie. Night Of Horror is part of an exclusive breed of schlock which transcends what we know these qualities to be.
Little Corey Gorey is about a kid who has no real family. His mom died, his dad remarried Divine, and then, he died. Divine and her bully of a son despise Corey for reasons unknown to us. We're left to assume they're just horrible people who enjoy having someone around to torment. Divine and son have literally made a slave out of Corey, making him do everything, while depriving him of anything resembling pleasure. Corey has to stay on his toes and make sure he doesn't rub one of them the wrong way, as they're just looking for a reason to inflict some punishment, almost always being physical abuse. The mother is a lardass drunk who eats and watches TV all day, and Biff is just your typical coke headed douchebag.
Although, things are not one bit better than usual, Corey is on cloud 9 over his alleged plans. He even drugs step mother after she passes out, so that she won't catch him. Because there's no way she would ever let him have a night out. It seems as though the stars are aligned on this night, but just as Corey looks under his mattress for the tickets, cold, harsh reality hits him right in the face. The tickets are missing. And as it would turn out, Stepbrother Biff stole them. And when he returns, he not only confirms this, but confirms the fact that he went with Jackie, and totally stuck it to her, afterwards. And at this moment, it all finally came a head. Corey snaps and attacks Biff. He didn't mean to kill him, but that's just the way things go, sometimes.
One noticeable thing about this movie that I find humorous is how replacement-Divine is tied to the couch for 80% of the duration, and merely complains about being hungry and needing a beer. For 3 or 4 days she lays there, I'm guessing. And not one word about having to use the bathroom. That's weird, right? This whole movie is weird. The dialogue is dubbed, for some reason, which always makes for a confusing good time. The film took well over a year to film, which is probably why Corey's appearance and hairstyle changes like it does. Little Corey Gorey was shot in the late 80's, but wasn't released until '93. I didn't know this when I first watched it, but it does explain a lot. This seems to be marketed as some sort of Slasher, and from what I've heard, the more obscure uncut version is a little more along those lines, and would most likely result in the title making a little more sense. However, the heavily censored DVD version I saw has a very different tone. So, to me, the whole thing comes off kind of mainstream. Almost like a TV movie, except really low budget. Although, either version of this unusual and out of place B-movie is absolutely deserving of cult status. Perhaps it'll get there if it ever ends up with a decent release. As Corey, the underdog, finally got his day in the sun, I like to think this underdog of a Dark Dramedy will eventually get the same. 5/10 https://www.littlecoreygorey.com/
Howard has issues. He's a nice guy. He genuinely likes people, and loves his mother dearly, in a completely normal way. He works at a laundromat, he always goes right home to mama right afterwards, he does what he's told, and always stays out of trouble. At least in his mind, he does. I mean, technically, he does since he's never been caught, but sometimes, Howard kills people. Mostly females, and only teens who have the gall to try and run away from home, which breaks their mama's hearts. Howard has sort of subconsciously appointed himself defender of all heartbroken mamas.
Howard genuniely thinks everything is cool. When he's not blacked out, he is quite pleasant and always minds his own business. He delivers washed clothes for a living, but has been getting a lot of heat from the boss as of late, because his work is slipping. He's taking longer to get to where he's going, he's even starting to get lost. Which is weird, becasue he's lived in this town his whole life. Howard is clearly distracted. He's taking more and more time to sit and wait for hitchhikers. In his oblivious mind, he probably thinks it's just to have someone to talk to, but once they get to talking, and their agenda is revealed, Howard blacks out, goes into a blind rage, whips his dick out and punishes for mama. Then, he whips out a wire coat hanger and strangles them to death. In his free time at home, we notice that he's starting to crack. Howard is becoming plagued by glimmers of guilt, sending him into even more blackouts and fits of hysteria. Meanwhile, the Professor and his partner put their heads together to figure out the identity of the rapey psycho and put an end to this runaway killing spree.
Howard may consider all these runaways to be ungrateful little cunts. And in some cases, he may be correct. But one has to wonder what a lousy ass town this must be to have so many young people wanting out so bad. Even when warned of what's been going on, nobody will budge. Even the thought of losing their lives isn't enough to keep them around. All I can say is that Howard's sister really should have stayed in touch.