Night of Something Strange 2016

How about a zombie flick, but instead of biting you, they want to have sex with you?

A redneck rapes a corpse in the morgue and gets an STD from her. He gains a compulsion to stick is dick in anyone, spreading the sex-crazed zombie syndrome. Throw in a group of teens en route to spring break, but of course they have to stop at that motel in the middle of nowhere first...

The trash level is through the roof. I also saw Nicola Fiore from Blood Fart Lake in this. You've got to love a woman like her, so willing to star in b-horror movies about dick, butt, and vagina jokes.

If you're in the mood for something Troma-esque, this one is for you. It has zombie queefs and gallons of acid cum.

#Review

Out For Blood (2004)

I have not seen this in a long time, but Jodi Lyn O'Keefe is in it. If she floats your boat, maybe give this movie a shot? I just saw her scenes in Halloween H20.... I remember thinking that Out For Blood really wasn't that bad, for a straight-to-video (hmmm, in 2004.... possibly straight-to-DVD, at that time?) movie. It only got a 4.1 average rating on IMDB, but maybe people had inflated expectations of it because it has Lance Henriksen in it.

I am probably damning it with faint praise here, but I just remember thinking that it was perfectly decent, for what it was. Basically, if you ever found Jodi Lyn O'Keefe to be cute, or if you liked Kevin Dilllon as the hero in The Blob, or if you are ever on a Lance Henriksen binge, or are trying to be a Lance "completist" and just see as many of his films as you can find.... these are all perfectly decent reasons to check this out. It also has Vanessa Angel, who was no slouch as a babe. Sooooo... yah. Check it out.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375562/

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines 2023

I had heard this was in the works. Then one day... it was already on streaming. This is a prequel, but what is canon and what isn't? I think it wants to be related to the original 1989 film, because that 2019 remake wasn't nearly as effective, coming across as abundantly pointless. But the timeline doesn't quite add up, so it ends up as its own thing really.

So our "prequel" is set in 1969, following young Jud Crandall, played by 27-year-old Jackson White. Are we to believe that in 20 years, this Jud becomes the 63-year-old Fred Gwynne version of the character? If he ages 35 years in 20 years, the stress of this movie's events must have been really tough on him, as I assume he didn't do much between movies and probably never went back to the burial ground until he met the Creeds. Yet the story we're told here isn't the same as the post-WW2 story we're told in the original movie. So you might as well not bother comparing them for inconsistencies, because it's all inconsistent so far. They traded in the original backstory for the 60s backdrop, striving for that Stephen King feel, even going as far as to include Henry Thomas (Desperation, Gerald's Game, Doctor Sleep). But does it actually hit its mark?

We also have David Duchovny in this movie. He's awesome in general, so with him and an otherwise decent cast, a lot of blood and gore, and a well-made and an overall good looking movie... we're somehow given a movie that just isn't very engaging. I never really cared about most of what was going on in this retread of an old story, and it lacks the dread and creepiness of that first movie. I'm not asking for more Zelda (God knows they couldn't top the original on that one, so why bother?), but subtlety can go a long way. Movies these days like to show too much too soon, assuming that us horror and gore-hounds can't appreciate a more classy story, if they knew how to craft one.

In the end, this is simply another piece of streaming content. Not worthy of a theatrical run, but then again, what is these days? As the first movie had Jud's backstory as prequel material, this movie has yet another earlier incident as further prequel material, because franchises and brand names are all that it's about these days. I'd rank the original 2 movies as the reigning champions, and this is maybe better or at least tied with the remake, which isn't saying much. As for this "franchise", sometimes dead is better.

#Review

Orphan: First Kill 2022

13 years after the first movie comes this prequel, starring a 25-year-old as a "10-year-old"? Yeah, the concept is already ridiculous, but that's the thing with prequels these days... they completely disregard appropriately aged characters because the fans are willing to overlook these things in exchange for another bout with a popular character. It's like in Dexter when the flashbacks gave Michael C. Hall longer hair and expected us to believe he was a teenager. Or in the Saw movies when they expect us to believe John Kramer is young because they give him a baseball cap.

Our actress already looks considerably older than she did in her first movie, and they use camera tricks and doubles to portray her shorter height. It is a little distracting, and this movie seems like it would be a total dud, but wouldn't you know it... there's a twist in there somewhere, and then the movie starts to weave a rather interesting story after all. Something of a cat and mouse game, and our titular character is depicted almost as a protagonist, due to the crummy hand life dealt to her. So yeah, this movie turns things around halfway and somehow ends up decent. How about that?

#Review

Urban Legend 1998

Yeah, it's that time of the year when I ramble on just about any horror movie I watch. Today, we'll be revisiting this late 90s college slasher, which actually has some merit to it.

Don't get me wrong, it's far from perfect, but it's far from shit. I can take or leave the twist/reveal, because this movie was written around the urban legends and the kills they could get out of it. So if you get a few cool kills and a cool cast, who cares about the killer's motive?

Brad Dourif plays a stuttering gas station attendant in the beginning. One can only draw parallels to his character from Cuckoo's Nest on that aspect. Too bad he's not in much, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to hear him stuttering for too much longer. That shit gets annoying.

Robert Englund is the red herring college professor, and I think it's safe to say that nobody would expect him to actually be the killer, because he was already Freddy, so that would be too obvious. Right? He's not in much of it either, but so far, we have Chucky and Freddy, so that's cool.

One thing I've always found particularly noteworthy was Danielle Harris. Granted, her role isn't that big, but this is her fist horror film since Halloween 5, playing an irritable goth bitch roommate. And the first time we see her, she's getting fucked. They want you to hate this character, but I could never hate Danielle. There's also a funny bit in there showing how dated this movie is, featuring her getting mad that she has to disconnect from her dial-up because the main girl needs to make a phone call. Ah, the early days of the internet, caller ID, and mobile phones, and all the tropes that come with them... that's how you know this is a 90s movie, when they need to stop off at a gas station to use the phone, which will never even work during the thunderstorm...

I think I've seen at least one of the sequels, but I don't remember a damn thing about it. They left it open to be a franchise, but it never quite took off the way they wanted. Those sequels turned DTV quick and lacked the star-power of the first movie.

It's not a great movie, but those late 90s slashers did have some charm to them. Or maybe that's just the nostalgia speaking.

Some random IMDb trivia:

Danielle Harris (Tosh) and Tara Reid (Sasha) had been roommates in real life before they shot the film.

Danielle Harris (Tosh) was a smoker at the time and thrilled to be allowed to smoke while working. She quickly realized that shooting scenes while smoking meant that she was going to have to smoke cigarettes for hours all day while they shot. She eventually got sick of it and quit smoking.

Jared Leto has disowned the film and hates it, refusing to talk about it in interviews.

#Review

The Continental

A John Wick prequel mini-series of 3 movies set in the 70s. Ian McShane's character from the movies is a young man who acquires the hitman hotel from a psychotic Mel Gibson.

There's probably a plot in here somewhere, but given the nature of this shoot-em-up, it's 100% irrelevant. You'll watch it for the action scenes, then probably zone out during the rest like I did. Mel Gibson is definitely the best part. He's over-the-top and mad, and that's how I like him.

Overall, I'm a little upset that this is the direction our entertainment is going. You'd think I'd eat this shit up, but it's so shallow with quick edits and meaningless characters everywhere. If someone gets killed, who gives a fuck? Carnage candy and nothing more. Not bad, but I'll forget it quick.

#Review

Actors in the Most Horror Franchises

Bill Moseley has appeared in Halloween, TCM, Silent Night, Devils Rejects...

Robert Englund has appeared in Elm Street, Hatchet, Wishmaster, Urban Legend...

Brad Dourif has appeared in Chucky, Halloween, Urban Legend...

Kane Hodder has appeared in F13, Hatchet, Wishmaster, Ghoulies, TCM...

I'm missing a lot.

So who reigns supreme?

Orphan 2009

I've avoided this one for years because it sounded stupid. It ended up being pretty good. That orphan is one crazy little bitch. You think she's cold and calculating, but after a while, she starts getting sloppy. She definitely puts adoptive mom Vera Farmiga in a pickle by making her look crazy. And this movie is cruel to children, which is always ballsy.

I hear the recent prequel is stupid. My guess is the actress needed to milk this character for all her worth. I'll watch it soon. I guess prequels made many years later are the new thing, when filmmakers regret killing off a character that could've generated more profit.

#Review

Chucky in the White House

That's right. Season 3 goes there. I think it's hilarious that Devon Sawa keeps coming back as different characters. This time, he's the president. You can't top that, unless he ends up playing God in the next season.

It's a funny thing when horror goes that route. Ash vs. Evil Dead had a promo video of Ash running for president. Burt Gummer also had a video of him running for president under the new Gummertarian party. The Re-Animator series was long rumored to have House of Re-Animator be about the white house too, and them re-animating the president. It would have been great.

Kingdom of the Spiders 1977

This one isn't quite as amazing as The Giant Spider Invasion, but it's pretty fun anyway. Some angry tarantulas live in a barn and like to eat people and web them up. William Shatner's hammy acting rules, and the trash value is up there. There's a certain horror piano cue in the score that has been used redundantly in pop culture. As well as throughout this movie.

The spiders are mere tarantulas, like a dozen scattered about in any given scene. I never felt any threat, since they were slow movie and spaced out. It's basically like they're dodging stationary toys in these scenes. Good 70s vibes from this movie.

#Review