Aja's 'HORNS' - Finally not a remake!

Alexandre Aja is a French director notorious for remakes. His list of remakes consists of High Tension (half remake of Intensity), The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors, and Piranha. That's pretty much his entire (widely available) filmography right there, but at least the guy's got style. He just didn't know how to use it until this dumb-sounding film came along...

Let's be honest, the premise does sound stupid: Harry potter grows horns after his girlfriend is murdered. Well it turns out this film is actually a goldmine of sentiment, bereavement, judgment, and entertainment. It's like Needful Things meets The Crow, but with snakes instead of crows, and Harry Potter instead of The Exorcist.

Aja finally strays away from remakes with this engaging and tragic coming of age tale of love after death. It's based off a novel, but it makes for one hell of a beautiful film, with a great cast, great performances, great soundtrack, and a great blend of several genres. Entertaining in many ways, but where were the boobies?

Gnome Alone

Centuries ago, a leprechaun falls in love with a witch, but like most women in movies with wealthy men, she was only after his money. Or enchanted gold in this case. I'm sure Kanye West could write a song about her. Anyway, she steals his gold and naturally the leprechaun is pissed. So pissed he has the witch marked for eternity with a mysterious tramp stamp. However, the Witch then has 2 lesbians rub each others boobs in a mud bath, which is actually a way of summoning a magical gnome to protect her and exact bloody murder on her enemies. Upon death, the curse passes on to a new victim and the gnome returns to kill those who have wronged her. Turns out it does more harm than good as the gnome has a warped sense of right and wrong.

I must admit that I went into Gnome Alone hoping for a killer garden gnome movie. I've been wanting a killer garden gnome movie ever since reading Goosebumps ''Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes'' as a kid (and twice more as a fully grown man with facial hair and moobs) and it continues to baffle me why they're never used in horror movies as the killers. They are so inherently creepy and a potential gold mine for critter features. However, Gnome Alone featured a gnome in the more traditional sense, but with more cat burglar inspired attire. If he wasn't destined to carry out the destiny of a witches curse then he could easily make a pretty steady living as a lowly career criminal. But the little guy is damn good at his current role in life and he seems to get job satisfaction out of it, so who am I to offer him career advice?

Verne Troyer plays the mischievous little guy, and he makes it his own. Most of the world will always see him as Mini-Me from Austin Powers, but here he brings life to a character that matches his personality and lets him delve into his acting range. Gnome Alone has franchise potential, and Verne deserves to be embraced as more than Dr. Evil's midget clone. He delivers his lines with gleefully twisted exuberance, making Gnome Alone a better movie than perhaps it has any right to be. The rest of the cast are entertaining and do their jobs well, but it's Verne who steals the show.

Campiness, corniness, sleaziness and raunchiness aside, Gnome Alone deserves some credit for it's production values. The movie opens with an animated sequence that gives it a mystical, fairytale-like quality, and going by the budget that this was made for it's very impressive. On top of that, the Gnome and Leprechaun both look menacing and creepy.

By now you should be aware of the audience that it's intended for, and if you feel you fall into that bracket then Gnome Alone is a movie you're bound to have a lot of fun watching. It's ridiculously charming and adorable. Let's hope they make a sequel versus the leprechaun.

Nobody Can Cool (2013)



So I decided to pick out a movie last night from a 9 pack I found in the Walmart dump bin. I saw Nobody Can Cool and it said Last House on the Left meets Reservoir Dogs. I'm thinking no way it is going to be as good as either of those movies. Anyways I put it in and basically it's about this couple Susan and David going to a friends cabin. The couple arrive at the cabin and somebody is already there and Susan's friend said the cabin would be empty. Susan wants to leave and stay at a hotel, but David said let's just stay here. The couple fight constantly throughout movie. The couple Susan and David find at the cabin are Gigi and Len. You can already tell something is weird with this couple. And Susan senses it too, but David is pretty much clueless.

After Susan and David get settled in and go to sleep, they are awakened by sound of a car. Susan tells David they are stealing our car, but he still sleeps. Susan goes to the door and they are locked in, but that doesn't stop her she climbs out the window. And soon is captured by an angry Len. Len is mad and tells Gigi that she was supposed to lock the door. Gigi says she did. Len tells Susan if you would have stayed in your room you would be fine. And then Gigi wakes up David and they tie Susan and David up. Then the audience gets a series of David and Susan nearly escaping and being captured and sort of back and forth of escapes. We also find out that Gigi and Len were involved in some sort of robbery gone wrong and their friend Tommy is upstairs hurt. And we learn about Moe another criminal involved. And basically a lot of character interaction with hardly any violence really.

Basically I sat there waiting for Moe to come in and I thought when Moe gets there things are going to get brutal. I thought he will probably rape Susan because surely if someone mentions Last House on the Left there will be rape in this movie. But no rape and some violence in Nobody Can Cool.

All in all Nobody Can Cool is a good movie more of a thriller and not brutal at all, but I was entertained. I was actually just going to do a mini review of this, but I started rambling. Anyways Nobody Can Cool 7/10. It's entertaining, but is nothing like Reservoir Dogs or Last House on the Left.

The Return of Burt Gummer

I'm so excited to hear we've got a new Tremors movie on the way, with series regular Michael Gross returning as the survivalist hero Burt Gummer. He's a bad-ass to the highest degree, up there with Ash, Herbert West, and Reggie. I remember not being entirely thrilled with his final outing as Hiram Gummer in the prequel (part 4: The Legend Begins), so I'm glad they'll give him another go as the hero we all know and have grown to love over the course of 3 films and a tv show.

The Tremors show was great. Fuck them for canceling it!

Her Name Was Torment (2014)



And didn't she have just the perfect name. Oh dear horror fans, we have something very unique here. Those of you who like the taboo and disturbing might wanna stick around, cos Her Name Was Torment might just be your cup of tea. Though be aware that this isn't your usual type of film.

A nameless woman, known only as "Torment", is questioned by police on why she killed the men she did. Meanwhile, we see her 'tormenting' her victims. I'll leave it at that, as always, the less you know, the better.

This messed up, no budget-er, abstract short really took me by surprise. I didn't realise it was directed by Dustin Mills (the same director who made Kill That Bitch!), but I'm starting to form an appreciation for the man. His filming techniques are incredibly experimental, switching to black and white, changing the camera quality and style, little dialogue etc. This movie comes as a pleasant surprise to someone that has seen it all, with some lovely scenes of depravity and graphic violence thrown in.

This is not a linear story, more just a small idea for a movie done really well. This is a case of style over substance. But since this is not an overly long movie, it never over stays its welcome and keeps the viewer interested, or in my case, eyes glued to the very end. The cast is small and the story is overly simple, so what they do with their small budget, they do it well. The little dialogue that is used, is used effectively, with some chilling exchanges. According to imdb, the actress playing Torment is Allison Egan. You never see her face, but it is described as being grotesque with hideous scars. Egan gives one hell of a performance. Full frontal nudity, she goes all out. If you're not hooked listening to the chilling exchanges between her and the cops, then you will be watching the unwatchable torture scenes between her and her victim. Those of you who love graphic and disturbing violence really need to check this movie out. Lines are crossed. If this movie isn't banned in Oz yet, it no doubt will be soon.

Finally, I love how the ending almost sets itself up for a sequel. I was actually kinda disappointed that it ended so quickly, but best it ends on a strong note, then flogs a dead horse.
I wish I could say more, but this one is best experienced on your own.

8/10 for a unique viewing experience. I should have watched this for December, it would have been perfect. Do check it out if you are into the depraved and perverted.

NSFW trailer
https://vimeo.com/93028260

Thanks for reading.

He Took His Skin Off For Me

Der Tables has been Arrested

Yes, it's true. Our own precious @Der is behind bars, and the police were positive that I was drunk, but I proved them wrong with my very first breathalizer test. Just because a man slurs his words, seems incoherent, and shakes a lot does not mean he is drunk.

#News

The "Show a zombie movie to a 3-year-old" Award

Now that's raising a child to have good taste in flesh.

New Years

2015 is here now, and we still don't have hover boards!

I drank too much and nearly died last night, so I didn't make it till midnight, and I completely forgot about making any resolutions. Has anyone here made any New Years resolutions? Or did you all just watch New Years Evil and Terror Train?

Hausu (1977)

To put Hausu (House) into words has been my most daunting task to date, because nothing I type will justify the bizarreness of this spiralling descent into strange, epileptic, schizophrenic madness. Another review described it as ''Scooby Doo directed my Mario Bava,'' but that still makes it sound grounded and tame in comparison. However, try to imagine that description as a starting point for understanding Hausu. The characters are hyperactive and cartoonish, hence the Scooby Doo analogy, and the visuals are stunning, dreamlike and colorful just like Bava's, but that doesn't even begin to comprehend the piece of strange that is Hausa. If I had to compare it to anything then it would be Evil Dead 2. That's if Evil Dead 2 was dropping acid, eating magic mushrooms and taking epileptic fits as it happily bludgeoned its victims with pure unadulterated madness. Raimi's classic is a much more coherent affair than Hausu, and a much better movie altogether as it managed to successfully incorporate its madness into a structured, methodical assault on its protagonist. Hausu on the other hand has no qualms about drifting off into hysterical tangents and leading the viewer down all sorts of paths into unhinged, random insanity. And it's just wonderful. Oh so wonderful. This takes the haunted house subgenre to new heights, by using the most random objects you'd find in a home as weapons against its victims, while adding some additional kung-fu, floating heads biting butts and bears cooking noodles. The original story came from the mind of an 11 year old girl, which makes me question her mental stability, yet makes me so happy knowing there was a child out there whose imagination knew no bounds and eventually made it to our screens. Furthermore, Nobuhiko Obayashi displays such unique visual flair and avante garde sensibilities that this has probably become fapping material to people who live their lives in the arthouse. Granted, it does not possess the classy pretentiousness of David Lynch, but there's no denying that Obayashi is a master of the craft, and he's not afraid to be a little silly once in awhile.

The story revolves around Gorgeous who plans to spend summer with her father, only to discover that he has a new flame in his life who wants to be her new mommy. Angered, she writes her aunt who lives in the country to inform her that she'll be visiting her, along with some friends. The aunt is a hermit who lives in a mansion in an abandoned village, waiting for her dead lover to return from the war. However, the aunt isn't who she seems to be, and the house she lives in is haunted... and hungry. One by one, the girls begin to fall prey to the evil house through a series of occurrences that need to be seen to be believed, and even then you probably won't be able to grasp what you just saw. Hausu is without a doubt one of the weirdest and proudly deranged movies you'll ever see in your life, and it does so without ever being profane, sinister or vulgar. We see it all through the eyes of the most innocent, quirky characters you'll ever meet, in a setting akin to a fairytale, as one by one they are consumed by the house, spit out and toyed with through dizzying, spastic bursts of insanity.

Hausu has everything you haven't seen before - killer chandeliers, noodle bears, men arguing over watermelons and bananas, pianos eating people, severed fingers playing said piano as a skeleton dances and much more. It gleefully dismembers its victims and joyously drowns them in rivers of blood, yet somehow never seems mean spirited or horrific. Hausu is a fun movie and always cheerful in a way I've never seen before from a horror film. However, despite its good nature it still manages to feel maniacal and tormenting. It's balls to the walls, joyous insanity, and did I mention that there's a bear who cooks noodles? This was just a cut away scene randomly diverting from the main story. Almost as if they were throwing in the most random nonsense they could think of for the heck of it. There's also watermelons wearing hats and severed heads who like nibbling on the butt cheeks of teenage girls. Personally I can relate to that.

Hausu is probably the most original horror movie I've ever seen, and for that reason alone it's worth watching. It's as original as it is wonderful too, and a treasure that deserves to be uncovered by a wider audience. See this with friends and it'll be an experience nobody will ever be able to taint. Show it to your lover and let it become a benchmark in your relationship. Pump your kids full of narcotics, give them a pen and paper and see if they can come up with something just as wacky, because we need more insane movies like this. This is horror brewed in a witches cauldron and covered in the sugar of a child's imagination. Truly unique and outrageously enjoyable. Seek now.

9/10