The Uh-Oh Show (2009)

The Uh-Oh Show is the 8th gore film of Herschell Gordon Lewis.

And his first Florida-shot gore film since 1967's The Gruesome Twosome .A film that took far too long to get released. And when it finally did, it just didn't cut it, in my opinion. Sounds like a good one when you read about it, but as cartoonish and crazy as it is, it just falls a bit flat. This movie is about a popular game show called The Uh-Oh Show, where contestants can win big, as well as lose big. Answer correctly, and win millions. answer incorrectly, and win mutilations. An arm, a leg. Whichever bodypart it lands on when they spin the wheel, gets hacked off.

Highlights include another hilarious performance from the legendary Joel D. Wynkoop as the greedy and sadistic TV executive, Fred Finagler as well as a cameo by Troma founder, Lloyd Kaufman.

Oh, and gore, of course. I appreciate what ol' Herschell was going for with this, as well as the obvious parody of TV networks and their desperation to boost ratings by any means necessary. As mediocre as most of the cast was, the eager contestants were amusing with their over the top perormances. Still grinning from ear to ear even after getting dismembered, being that they were just happy to be on TV. In a way, this is a typical HGL story, as it has the same comedic tone as classics such as Two Thousand Maniacs and The Gore Gore Girls.

This is a film I've been meaning review for the longest time, but just couldn't come up with the words. I really wanted to love The Uh-Oh! Show, but it ain't gonna happen. I even have a hard time liking it at times, if only due to the high expectations I once had. Otherwise, it's not all that bad. Just not worthy of good 'ol H.G. And certainly not a worthy follow up to Blood Feast 2. This just seems more heavily HGL-inspired than it does an actual HGL flick. Although, the same could be said about Blood Feast 2. But atleast that one kicked as much ass as one would expect. It took forever for this to get a release, and once I saw it, it didn't take long to figure out why. The Uh-Oh Show is just underwhelming. It's funny, but not funny enough. It's gory, but not gory enough. It was worth watching, but it just wasn't worth the wait.

The films of Herschell Gordon Lewis have always been hit or miss. This one being a bit of a miss is nothing new. I guess we should all just be grateful to know the man is still around and still going at it. The future of the now 85 year old godfather of gore looks to be a bright one. Keep an eye out for his next gore epic, Bloodmania. Lewis' first zombie film. As for The Uh-Oh Show, any fan of the man should probably check it out, and very well may dig it more than I did. I do hope it finds an audience one of these days. The Uh-Oh Show was good, after all. Just not good enough. 4/10



#Review

Horoscopes

Despite a lack of internet, I've added horoscopes. Most users here can add them, but know they must be reset each day (it's not automatic).

Some people really get into this shit, but I personally think it's dumb as fuck. That doesn't mean I don't want it here on Trash Epics though. Authorized users can add a horoscope, simply by adding a post and changing the category to 'Zodiac'. When the 'scopes are reset (which should be daily), it will randomly change the zodiac post for each sign. Horoscopes can be filtered by a post's tags too.

Hopefully, we can have some fun with this. Write your own horoscopes, cuz my defaults will get old real quick!

#News

Frozen Flesh (2008)

Nothing can prepare you for the shocking experience of FROZEN FLESH - the most explicitly gory, shocking, bloody, and controversial movie ever made!

That right there, that's the tagline for this piece of shit movie. Now I've been around controversial cinema long enough to know that many movies make this claim far too easily, yet at least most of them actually attempt to be somewhat extreme and disturbing. But director Justin French has something far more terrible planned for us and as a result, has without a doubt, created the most godawful, infuriating, worthless piece of cinema I have ever had the bad luck of viewing. I just couldn't believe how atrocious this pathetic excuse of a cumstain this movie is. A movie so awful I wouldn't wish my worst enemies on it, but I'll do the next best thing, and that's describe just how terrible it is.



Okay, I'll admit, the first 15 seconds aren't bad. With a black background, the words FROZEN FLESH CINEMA appear, all the while, ominous and unsettling music plays as score. The next words to appear is '˜directed by Justin (get fucked!) French before FROZEN FLESH appears on the screen. By now the music, which started out cool, is now repetitive and annoying. Hopefully the credits will end but they don't. Nope! They goe on! We have some random dude starring as the Mass Murderer, original score composed by French, produced, written and directed by French, and again FROZEN FLESH! You would have thought the title only needed to appear once, but not old Frenchy. So, this whole sequence took 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Doesn't sound that long right, but considering I just rewrote the entire credits, I'd be surprised if any normal movies couldn't do the same in less than 20 seconds. Am not impressed so far, and you want to know the worst of it. The credits were the best thing this movie had to offer, wish I was joking. Get fucked!!!



So, our first scene. Tinted in red, the camera opens on what appears to be a candle in a sink? I'm actually not sure what it was, to be honest, i really couldn't give a stuff. Oh and goodie, we get to continue listening to the terrible score. By the way, I lied, it's not ominous, it's terrible, absolurely shithouse. This music will haunt my dreams therein after. So yeah, the candle. I bet you're expecting something to happen with it right? You'd be wrong. We watch this candle through one take for 2 and a half mins with nothing changing except the music going an octave higher and the candle eventually blowing out, and then we cut to a tap. So we watch the tap for a few mins. At one point, a finger comes into shot to touch the water coming from the tap. Cut to the drain. And we watch water going down the drain. But oh no! Blood starts pouring down the drain too! How ghastly, yet oddly exciting that something is finally happening! Oh cuntballs, the water is turned on harder and the hand cleans up all the blood. So there you have it, the first scene of the movie. 9 mins long! So not impressed....



Guess what we get to watch for the next 11 mins..water boiling! Oh you don't believe me, trust me, I wish I didn't believe me either, but no, I watched someone record themselves boiling water. Then I don't know, we watch them put some cream or something into a pot. We cut away and then see a hand on the stove! Okay, you might be thinking you might actually get something interesting now, but wait a minute and you'll be bored again. Pouring blood slowly on the hand...yep, then he starts putting powder or sand or something, I don't know. Frankly I don't care. I bored writing this review as much as I was watching the abortion! This is around the 30 min mark I guess and I'm already contemplating the worst possible things I could do to the director. A splintered broom handle might do the job....



Okay, so he's where I cheated. I watched the rest through fast forwarding. And you shall NOT judge me! If anything, I should get a reward for making it this far without fast forwarding!
So he poured water as well on the hand, I think the music changed slightly... and then a man with a stripped shirt and a balaclava appeared, just standing there looking like a douche....fast forwarding and nothing happening, he's still standing there. Oh no! He's got a knife!!!...... and he's stabbing something...without any blood. Oooh slow mo stabbing... has it been 15 mins already!.... fast forwarding..... I think that's about 16 mins we've watch this man stab something without any blood on the knife. And now he's just standing there with the knife. Now he's just standing there without one. Oh he's posed to stab again! Oh are you shitting me, it's extra slow mo! Fast forward, FAST FORWARD!!! I'm glad I did, it appears this goes on for half an hour. Annnnnnd cut to black, FROZEN FLESH.
Thank GOD! It's over! A Justin French Film! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!! GET FUCKED!!!



So, there you have it, Frozen Flesh, in it's 112 min running time! A movie so awful that my eye almost but melted out of my head! Very few movies result in shaza turning into a mini Hulk, but Frozen Flesh.... HULK SMASH!!!!



Can you believe people paid money to watch this! Can you believe Mr French actually trolls the Frozen Flesh board saying how awesome it is! This guy might just be the best troll on the internet. I don't care if this was meant to be a joke, Mr French, I'm coming to your house and kicking you very very hard in the balls!!!!

Get fucked/10!!!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1262128/reference

Please don't watch it here.



I'm gonna search the internet for cute videos of kittens to return me to my normal self. Raging shaza is not a pretty sight!



Ahhhh, that's better.

Dirty Cop No Donut (1999)



I've always found the micro-budget, yet better-than-they-should-be films of Tim Ritter to be highly entertaining. Killing Spree, for the lack of a better word, is a classic. And the Truth or Dare series seems to still be the underseen gems they've always been. And I suppose the same could be said for Tim Ritter's 1998 Shot-On-Video Mock/Shockumentary comedy, Dirty Cop No Donut. An outlandish, and mean-spirited spoof of the TV show, Cops. A movie that could have easily ended up average at best, stars Tim Ritter's buddy. The one and only. The legendary Joel D. Wynkoop. A B-movie actor that started out rather mediocre in films like Killing Spree and Wicked Games. But as he got fatter and fatter over the years, his entertainment value would grow along with his waistline. And by 1998, Mr. Wynkoop would finally be fat and hilarious enough to play this wonderful role.

Gus Kimble is not a nice man. Gus Kimble isn't even a decent man. Somehow, this guy ended up with a badge. Whether or not it's his isn't all that clear. But he also has a gun. so people have to listen to him, right? Damn right!! Officer Gus Kimble, aka Officer Friendly is not in a good mood tonight. Despite the fact that he's on a rather large amount of cocaine, he "found" after "busting" a drug dealer under some rather unorthodox methods. On this night, you might want to stay out of trouble, because Officer Friendly can, and will abuse his power whenever and however the hell he wants, because he's on a serious power trip, and is very much out of donuts!

Tonight, Officer Kimball is bringing along a camera man so he can, once and for all, show the world the dangers and difficulties of his chosen profession. Officer Kimball, above all, prides himself in being a good cop, which clearly means he never has to pay for donuts, or hookers, or drugs or any damn thing for that matter. Officer Kimball prefers to avoid all that boring paper work, too and would rather dish out any necessary punishment the old fashion way, like going ape shit on drunk drivers and destroying their cars, tearing apart pawn shops due to a coked out tantrum, or even breaking into the house of a rapist and forcing him to castrate himself at gunpoint, and taking a piss on him just for fun. Whatever it takes to keep the streets safe, I guess.

A real treat from an extremely underrated director. Dirty Cop, in my opinion, is Tim Ritter's unsung masterpiece. And I assume, doesn't share the cult status of something like Killing Spree due to the fact that not nearly enough people have seen/heard of this. And I've always found Joel Wynkoop's work to be good shit. But after witnessing this performance, I now automatically laugh whenever I see him in anything. Dirty Cop was truly the role he was born to play. The backwards horse shit that come out of this guy's mouth, You just wouldn't believe. Wynkoop's portrayal of "controlling fat man on a coked-out rampage" is priceless humor that must be seen to be believed. Wynkoop's violent outbursts and hypocritical rantings absolutely had me in stitches. Joel, with his limited acting abilities and all, threw himself into this role 100%, and it looks like he had a lot of fun doing it. You can find this on a Special Edition dvd from Sub Rosa with Dirty Cop 2 added on to make one, long, epic Cops episode from Hell! 10/10



#Review

Steel Panther's message to Kanye

For those living under a rock, Kanye West once again disrupted the Grammys (the most worthless award in the world, but still). And the coolest band in the world issued a response:



Awesome. And if you're wondering who the hell these guys are, then feast your eyes on the greatest music video ever made:

The Babadook (2014)

Yes I know, forget about the ridiculous title, here we have a new Australian chiller. Now I'm as a proud as any whenever Australia actually delivers a decent horror movie. I personally prefer the serial killers storyline, but unfortunately this is not that. No serial killers, no cannibals or torture. This is about a children's novel that comes to life. Sounds promising? It is. Does it deliver? Well....

https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oBnmPGyU7u0/UuflF5Z_KDI/AAAAAAAAE6Q/jo0-l-E0Vac/s1600/Babadookbook.bmp

So the plot is about Amelia, played by Essie Davis. Suffering from depressing after her husband passed away, she's alone in raising her very active child Samuel. Samuel is a rather needy kid who still see's monsters under his bed and needs to sleep with his mum every night. One night while reading to Samuel, Amelia comes across a book she's never seen before, The Babadook, a story about a horrifying monster. As you might guess, the Babadook becomes a reality for Amelia and Samuel, and they have to fight against it, or die in its grasp.



So, is this movie any good? From a technical standpoint, this movie is beautiful. Very well made, very well acted (by Davis), great productions, all that kinda stuff. This movie looks really good. But, and this is a big but, the movie falls short in a couple of areas. Firstly, the build up to seeing the Babadook. It goes on for a while. I'm not necessarily an impatient person, but the whole first half of this movie is incredibly repetitive. We see this woman is sad, we see she is sleep deprived, everyone around her is being unreasonable, her son is annoying and keeps talking about the Babadook, and repeat. This is the whole first half of the movie. I understand the writers are trying to get us to sympathise with our lead actress, but you only have to watch her for five minutes to want to give her a hug. Dragging it out for half the movie wasn't necessary, if anything it made me bored and really annoyed at her tantrum throwing kid. Seriously, this kid started randomly screaming in a car, and I thought my head was going to explode. So ANNOYING!

https://static.squarespace.com/static/51b3dc8ee4b051b96ceb10de/t/53ed13e6e4b0378e0b61cc34/1408046140690/nightmarish-new-trailer-for-the-babadook

Of course the second half is very different. By this point, Amelia has seen the Babadook and it's slowly affecting her sanity. This is when I started to really enjoy the movie. At this point, I wasn't even sure if the movie really was a supernatural flick, or just a metaphor for descending into madness, like Blackswan or Repulsion. I knew if the show went in this direction, I would adore this flick. There is even a nod to the movie Repulsion as Amelia sees glimpses of it while flicking through the channels.
At this point, things are tense and the movie feels like it's heading in a real depressing and dark ending. But the ending, oh it's such a missed opportunity. It's hard to explain why without giving away spoilers, but lets just say it's a cop out. If it really was taking the Repulsion route, the ending really wasn't realistic, at least in my opinion. And if it really was supernatural, well then it's just really fucking stupid. Not to mention pointless as there is absolutely NO motivation why the Babadook is even attacking her. It just randomly appears. Not very good storytelling.

All that said and done, this movie was pretty effective in being kinda scary. The Babadook was pretty freaky. Very good move keeping him in the shadows. Hell it almost made the slow build up at the beginning worth it. Almost.



There is one more thing I should say. If you're gonna watch this movie, watch it for Essie Davis. Her performance made the movie for me. Everyone else around her annoyed the hell out of me, but her performance was pretty emotional. But everyone else sucked, pretty much. Why everyone was so cold to this lady I'll never understand, it was obvious from the first five minutes that this chick needed help. Someone cut her some slack!

All in all, the movie wasn't bad, yeah it has a lot of flaws, but it was still a pretty damn entertaining movie, and freaky to boot. Not bad for something out of Oz. But a shame it ended as it did. For those of you who like supernatural flicks, or like that slow descent into madness theme, definitely check it out, you'll probably very much enjoy it. While I can't deny it's a very decent effort, it just falls short of the mark for me.

6/10


Thanks for reading. Thoughts/opinions?

Spider-Man

If you haven't heard yet, Spider-Man is now part of the Marvel cinematic universe. That is to say, he will now tie into the upcoming Avengers films. The Amazing Spider-Man series is out the window now, and a reboot is happening. Again.

Personally, I didn't mind the last Spider-Man movie, but it didn't do well according to Hollywood's bloated standards, so Sony is going in a different direction with it now. A direction that's sure to make at least a billion dollars. 😄

If you ask me, it's about time. Minds will be blown.

Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla(2013)



Meet Warren Thompson. He's an ice cream man that has an unhealthy obsession with a soap opera star Katey George. He spends his days scooping ice cream and cutting out pictures of his favorite soap opera actress. He is pretty much alone and even more so after he runs over his best friend Rodger the cat. But something wonderful happens his favorite actress Katey George starts visiting his ice cream truck or does she?

Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla is basically a dark comedy. It is very funny at times and then towards the end gets very dark. I don't know if they plan on doing a sequel, but I would love it if they did because the ending kind of left me wanting more. But still overall a really great movie. 9/10

#DarkComedy

Your Favorite Pair of Friday the 13ths

Go.

Across the River or Oltre il guado(2013)



Marco Contrada is a wildlife researcher working in the remote woods of Italy. His studies lead him to an abandoned village where he becomes trapped after a storm comes and floods him in. As Marco is waiting to be rescued, He soon figures out why this village is abandoned. The spirits of two little twin girls haunt this village and they like ripping things apart.

I'm going to say first that I'm not a huge fan of ghost movies because most ghost films don't scare me. The only one I think I have gave a 10 out of 10 is The Innocents. But Across the River scared me. I watched it last night before I went to bed and I almost hid under the cover. I don't usually get too scared anymore by horror movies. I will get a little scared, but not since I was little have I got this scared by a movie. The ghosts think Samara from The Ring only scarier in my opinion. And what Across the River does is it doesn't show the ghosts too much. By not showing the ghosts it makes it more creepy. And the movie also has an elderly man that used to live in the village telling part of the background of the little girls. I say part because he never tells everything which is probably a good thing because it leaves some mystery. But the scariest thing the old man says is that he saw the girls once when he was little 70 years ago and he has been scared ever since. Across the River atmosphere, sound, and overall build up is excellent. 10/10