Contamination - 1980 Italian Video Nasty

Those are all the right ingredients, so why not? I can never turn down a video nasty, just for completion's sake, and I need those FTV points.

This one starts off in New York as police investigate a weird boat. Then, people start exploding, because there are evil alien eggs that blow up on you and make your insides burst. It's pretty awesome.

I kinda like that main guy in it, but about halfway through, they basically write him off and replace him with Ian McCulloch from Zombi 2 and Zombi Holocaust. He's pretty suave, so I'll take it. The movie kinda drags for the whole middle part, where it goes into some weird cult shit, only after briefly turning this plot Mars-related. I guess that was a twist, right? Nobody ever thinks Mars did it.

This movie has eggs being burned by a flamethrower, pre-dating Aliens by 6 years. nOice. But the climax is what's to be expected, for anyone who'd been following this alien egg plot. James Cameron probably saw this movie at least once. This was back when Italy was copying a lot of popular American movies, so they simply had to get on that bandwagon.

Overall, not a bad movie. It helps make a movie more Italian by featuring a score by "The Goblin". I love that old 70s camera look of these movies. I guess the gore was intense for back then, so a video nasty status is appropriate, I suppose. There were a lot of effects and squibs, though. They tried. Not too shabby.

You ever think about fucking animals?

I don't. That goes double for dead people. Or maybe animals is worse. I wouldn't know. I could probably deal with fur better than cold, dead skin. But yeah. Fuck them both. I'm not sure what the appeal is. Of course, I don't really get the appeal of anything that I don't find arousing. That's pretty normal, I think. The jury's still out on the gays as far as "normal" goes, but not so much all that other shit. Far lefties already trying to wedge in the "P" into the LGBT. P for Pedophile, N for Necro, S for sisterfucker. Why the fuck not?

I wish I hadn't already used the "S" cuz what about the shit eaters? Sorry guys. Shit is a bit of a taboo, isn't it? That Not Safe For Work thread WAS going pretty well. Although any time I go to it, now, it says "the site ahead contains malware", and will not let me see the fucked up pics. I have no idea what that means. Please look into that, Fuad. I'm not done posting in it. But yeah. I should have posted less shit in there and more shark bites. I hope that's not what caused this. Too bad it's mostly me and Onyx who posted in there. But I've seen the rest of you sick cunts peeking.

So, pocket pussies are pretty sweet. Anyone here ever stick their penis in one? Did it feel good? It felt good to me. It actually smelled like vanilla. Or maybe it was coconuts. I forgot. I had one of those a few years ago until I accidentally ripped it open with my dick. Did you know masturbation and even sex can be bad for the prostate. I found that out the hard way, this year. A hard penis isn't even a bone, is it? some even call them boners. I don't, though. I like the way "hard on" rolls off the tongue, don't you?

No, it was definitely vanilla. And maybe "SH" for the shit eaters. That way it could be LGBTPNSSH, and we can lump all the sexual deviants into the same category. Unless we want to get cute about it and add Furries and Bronies, although I don't think they actually fuck the My Little Ponies since they're only on the Television, that is unless there's something I don't know about that whole thing. Which brings me back to my original question. Do you ever think about fucking animals?

Netflix Series The Haunting of Hill House



Years ago, I read the novel The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson. It is a perfect read for those who enjoy a classic gothic style ghost story. I later found the 1963 movie The Haunting based on the novel. I fell in love with it and it's one I still revisit. I do all I can to forget the 1999 remake, The Haunting. Not even Liam Neeson could save that steaming pile of shit.

When I heard that Netflix was going to have an original series based on the book, I had mixed emotions. Netflix, at least in my opinion, seems to get some pretty bad movies, but it does tend to redeem itself with its original content. So, I tentatively decided to give it a shot. My concern was not only how they would treat the original source material, but it is a horror series, and I had yet to see one that was actually scary. It seems as though all of them tend to come off a little cheesy. Thankfully, this one did it right.

I'll be honest. I can be overly picky at times when it comes to movies or series. No one knows that better than Tromafreak, and he has been nothing but patient with me. I think I'm getting better at being more open-minded when it comes to my viewings nowadays, if I was stubborn as I once was, I would have stopped watching by the third episode. I just wasn't feeling it. However, I decided to keep on and I'm so glad I did. I'm now on episode six of the first season and I am officially hooked! Season 1 consists of 10 episodes and I suggest you be ready for a day of binge-watching!

The plot as stated on IMDB: Flashing between past and present, a fractured family confronts haunting memories of their old home and the terrifying events that drove them from it.

I get it's a bit vague, but trust me. You do not want any spoilers on this horror gem. If you have been searching for a legitimately scary series, or if you are a fan of classic style ghost stories, this is for you. I should also mention this show is directed by Mike Flanagan (Oculus (2013), so, if you are a fan of his work, you'll enjoy this. The Haunting of Hill House is like a breath of fresh air in a stagnant world of paranormal viewings. This is the show that fans of classic style horror have been waiting for. The set designs are some of the prettiest and at times, unsettling that I have ever seen. I am really looking forward to Season 2. If Netflix keeps up this level of quality with their original programming, I might go another year without canceling my subscription. 8/10

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Freddy in The Goldbergs

I wanted to watch this last night, but I couldn't find a stream, so I watched it a few minutes ago. First of all, most of us were probably thinking, "wtf is The Goldbergs, and why did Robert Englund agree to this?" The answer:

This show is set in the late 80s, so they want to throw around a lot of cultural references at the time. This "Halloween" themed episode was about horror movies and over-parenting your children. Some dork is trying to watch Nightmare on Elm Street, and then what do you know? It gives him nightmares.

Everyone excited about this episode wants to know about Freddy's presence. There's a "nightmare" in which she encounters Freddy (who she calls Fredward Kroger) and the two squabble in a minor chase, talk about parenting, and then get their f-words bleeped. Then, Freddy gives up and she wakes up. That's really about it. He came out of retirement for this shit? Being a sitcom, the whole thing was super cheesy, so it mostly comes off as embarrassing. I hope he got paid a lot of money for this shit.

Teresa Palmer

OK you guys, I'm not posting this in the random message board field (shout box) because you'll give me grief about hexing Teresa Palmer to an early death just by mentioning her. So, please just chill.

I just wanted to say, I realize that the only reason I even know who she is is because she's such a babe, but I just watched an interview with her and she actually seems pretty cool. She's legitimately into ghost stories, if not necessarily slasher movies. Also, I wouldn't exactly call her a Scream Queen, but she's closer to being one than a lot of actresses, because of Grudge 2, Lights Out, and arguably Warm Bodies.

Often, I will see some kind of story about a celebrity online and I just think "Oh my God, WHY is this person famous, he or she is such a complete waste of the Earth's natural resources, we would all be so much better off if he or she were put to sleep." There are plenty of obvious examples of that. But, sometimes I think "OK, this person deserves some kind of fame, I don't feel like I should just kill myself rather than live in a world where whoever I'm talking about is famous." Like, Justin Timberlake, The Rock, Tom Atkins (to us, at least), Imogen Poots, and possibly Teresa Palmer. I'm gonna have to think a little more about it, but I'm leaning toward thinking "yeah, she should be famous, I'm happy about that".

Here's the interview I watched:

The Fifth Floor (1978)

Has anyone here seen this?

I just found out there is a Blu-ray release of this. I haven't seen it in years and don't remember that it ever got mentioned on the old horror board. I don't remember a lot about it except the basic premise of an innocent girl wrongly committed to a corrupt mental hospital and that it had a lot of fairly big names in the cast including Bo Hopkins, Julie Adams and a pre-Freddy Krueger Robert Englund. The lead actress in it, Dianne Hull, is from my home town.

Malevolence 3: Killer

Back in 2004, Stevan Mena directed a total Halloween rip-off called "Malevolence". After a bank robbery goes bad, the thieves kidnap a woman and her child and hole up in a house in the middle of nowhere. That's when Martin Bristol comes a' knockin'.

Basically, he wears coveralls (like Myers), but he's got a sack mask (like Jason 2). And he also loves to organize bones in a decorative manner (like Leatherface). He's also mute, and he doesn't feel pain due to a rare medical condition.

His backstory is shown in greater detail in the 2010 prequel "Bereavement", starring Alexandra Daddario in one of her first titulating roles, as well as Michael Biehn in a somewhat prominent role, albeit an ultimately generic one.

Still, the prequel is a lot more polished looking, but it's the most bleak of these movies either way. It was said that a trilogy was in the making, and it took a long time for us to get it. Apparently, one of the main cast members died, and the film needed a lot of reshoots, but it happened. The movie finally came out, but was it worth it?



So "Killer" aka "Malevolence 3" begins with the climax of the first film. Obviously, the prequel's events are less relevant, so they pick the movie up right after the first movie, only now, he doesn't have a mask. For the rest of the movie, we're relying on low-POV shots and minimal emphasis on this dude's ugly face, as he kills a bunch of people for no reason.

It looks as though Stevan Mena had to go back to the basics. The budget is considerably lower, and the film quality looks worse than the 2004 original. There are no elaborate stunts or effects. Mostly, he just uses a regular old knife, and there's a lot of cutaways. I think they were trying to make the killer into a 100% Michael Myers clone, but he falls shorts. Way short. The main difference is that he isn't wearing a mask this time (which took a lot of fun away from it, to be honest), and he wore a more brown set of coveralls, instead of blue. That's how you differentiate the two, by the color of their damn outfit. 🙄

The whole movie felt very plain and uninspired. Maybe that's just the way she goes... You start off in the biz with all this passion, but as life gives you a beatdown, it all turns to shit after a while. That's what happened for Malevolence 3. It's really very meh.

And another thing that threw me off, but I found it awkwardly hilarious that they included a movie on tv made by "Harry Panderecki", who was the main character in the director's other film "Brutal Massacre - A Comedy", which is to say that this exists in the same universe. What was the movie on tv though? "I'll Take the Ring Back... and the Finger, Too!"

Thoughts on "Halloween"?

The title bugs me. The new one, I mean. I'm not sure what they should have called it but Halloween? That means there's three of them, although, this one isn't a remake. It's the new part 2, but fuck off, let's just call it Halloween, anyway. I feel like there needs to be something attached to the title to give it its own identity. Halloween II Part 2? Halloween H40? I think "The Last Halloween" has a nice ring to it, although I guess it's not going to be the last one after all cuz money. If I had my way, they would have just resurrected the series with a Halloween 9. I feel like they still could have made any movie they wanted and ignored any past sequel they wanted and still gotten away with calling it that.

Halloween

Yeah, I'm going there. I'll try to avoid spoilers, too, because I know everyone out there isn't as obsessive as I am, and they haven't seen it yet. So I'll try to say as much as I can without saying anything.

Clearly, the series is a mess, as it's gotten so involved in the family brother/sister angle over the years, we just couldn't get away from it. Every sequel, and the remake, focused on that aspect, even though JC himself thought it was a stupid idea, but fuck it. It's what we were stuck with, but finally, it's gone! Do you know what this means? It means that Michael can be a more whimsical slasher again, and he doesn't need a pattern. In this movie, he's just out there to fuck with people. Babysitters, children, cops, and of course... even Laurie Strode.

Jamie Lee is great, as always. Even if she doesn't like H20 in restrospect, she was still pretty awesome in that movie. Here, she plays another version of the character who's got a lot of PTSD from that night 40 years ago. She lives in a fortress and knows how to shoot a gun, because she knows that Michael is coming back.

The movie begins with Michael incarcerated again. We're never shown what happens to him after he fell off that balcony in part 1, but we're told that he was apprehended later, and has been in his typical catatonic state ever since. Eerie coincidences and convenient screenwriting break him out, and he ventures back to Haddonfield for one last scare.

The great part is that he has no rhyme or reason. Once he slips into his familiar getup, he carries on like it was 1978 again, and he's on a rampage. He's not even out to get Laurie, but she crosses his path because she's the one trying to find him. I really like that they were able to clear up all those dependencies, and let him run wild.

John Carpenter's score was pretty damn cool, too. This is stylistically the most similar film to the first movie. There are a bunch of cool homages in there, like the opening credits, "Mrs. Elrod", mention of a "Lonny" (assumed to be the same from H1, "Hey Lonny! Get yo' ass away from there!"), plus those damn Silver Shamrock masks! Hell, I think I even saw some similarities to RZ's movies. Not sure if that's a good thing. 😦 Even if they disregard all of these movies, they still throw nods at them.

One thing I was surprised to see no mention of was the Myers house. It just ain't there.

Overall, the movie works. Carpenter's score, Jamie Lee has a purpose, the actor playing Michael is spot-on, and the supporting characters are (mostly) interesting. Some of them are pretty dumb though, and you know they're there for a body count. Usually, I hate kids in movies, but there was a cool black kid in here that deserves his own movie.

I don't think the movie is perfect, but it's probably the best Halloween sequel we're ever going to get. I think it would be great if they never made another one, but I'm sure they will, because that's what they do.

Halloween Under Attack

Leave it to Facebook to piss me off in less than 3 seconds. I don't know why I even bother with that damn site.

Anyway, I was watching videos of some pretty cool Halloween animatronics. I'm talking really fucking cool ones. Impressive as hell, and I would love to own every one of them. As I'm enjoying the videos, I made the fatal mistake of Facebook, I ventured into the comments section. I thought it would be full of people praising the sheer design and creativity that it took to make these morbid beauties. How wrong I was...

The comments were mainly people whining and bitching about Halloween being too scary for their kids. How they thought laws should be in place not allowing people to have such displays in their OWN yards. One woman even stated she would call the police on any neighbor who owned such a horrendous display... I would love to punch that cunt in the face.

If your kids can't handle Halloween, then wrap them in bubble wrap like the fragile creatures you're raising them to be. Damn pussies.