Ready Player One -aka- The 'Memberberry Movie

What's Steven Spielberg been up to all these years? Nothing I can remember, that's what. I guess like many of us jaded cinemaniacs, he's been nostalgic for the 80s.

The movie is based on a book, so I can't be sure how it compares, because really... this movie is a visual feast for the eyes, and then you have all the characters and titles it references, and we all know what that leads to...

Yes, rights issues! I'm sure this movie was a mindfuck for producers on how to acquire certain characters and visual likenesses, implement fair use laws, etc. So for nerd's sake, I'll go through some references I noticed.

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Bit Parts / Glimpses:
Goro/Mortal Kombat, Xenomorph, Jason, Freddy, the holy hand grenade of antioc from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, transformers(?), RoboCop, Spawn, T2's ending

Bigger Emphasis:
The delorian from Back to the Future, King Kong, the Iron Giant, a lot of atari games, Mecha-Godzilla, Chucky (they panic when they see him, screaming, "It's fucking Chucky!")

Great Emphasis:
The Shining - There was a good 5 minute scene where the characters dive right into the film. This bit is a sort of recreation of key scenes in the movie, some almost shot for shot. Very cool, and probably the best part of the movie.

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Yeah, the movie itself is alright. It's all about 80s nostalgia, and it's a driving factor for the plot. It's all about virtual reality, and the worlds you live in, evil corporations, yada yada. It's well made, and the cgi is okay, because it is supposed to be a video game. Not bad. Just a whole lot of 'membering.

Anybody else NOT hate the Child's Play remake?

Noticed that was on Amazon Prime the other day and thought I'd watch it out of curiosity, and damned if that wasn't actually pretty good! Not quite good enough to do a review for, but good enough to deserve a little praise from someone who hated it before it was even made. I'm not exactly open minded when it comes to this kind of thing, but still know when I'm enjoying a movie. Child's Play '19 doesn't try to be the original or step on the toes of the original series in the least. Very much it's own thing. Pretty funny at times, too. But not like "Bride and Seed funny". Give it a different title and who knows how popular it could have been. Recommended. 5/10

People you are happy are famous

There have been plenty of people who get famous for awhile, and my reaction to their fame is just "WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Like, why the hell is this person famous? Who decided that my existence must be saturated with this person's face and retarded quotes every day? What the hell is wrong with the world? I think I did a thread about this once, a long time ago, on the IMDB board.... I started thinking about this once when, within a very short period of time, I was subjected to multiple magazine covers, celebrity "news" headlines, and probably online crap too, dealing with the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, and maybe a few other idiots. It got me thinking, who are some people that I am simply happy are famous, who make me think "yeah, OK, this person deserves to be famous, or just SHOULD be famous because of some personal quality they have that they didn't even have to work hard for." They could be famous for any reason, these people I'm going to list do not necessarily have much in common. It could just be something about their sense of humor, just anything about them that makes you think "i'm glad they're famous," or maybe even "I think they should be even more famous."

Who are some people that you think of, in this context? I'll start a list.

--Kurt Russell
--Dennis Quaid
--Justin Timberlake
--Christina Applegate
--Eddie Murphy
--Sacha Baron Cohen
--Jason Lee
--Christopher Walken
--Paul Rudd
--Judy Greer
--Bill Paxton
--Michael J. Fox

Anybody got any others?

Texas Chainsaw...

What I'm referring to is the 4th direct sequel to the original... yeah, this continuity is fucked. People describe this series as a "choose your own adventure" franchise because there's such a lack of continuity. Everyone reveres the original so much that none of the sequels ever count. Fucking ever!

Even after this movie, they did a prequel to the original, and the next movie will be another direct sequel to the original. Even if a movie does something right, it'll be forgotten by the next movie, guaranteed!

Now, this 2013 movie isn't perfect, but I think it had a lot of heart. They did so much to recreate the aesthetics and vibes of the original, but it still lacks that necessary grit. Even when it tries to fake the grit, it doesn't quite work. Sure, it's gory, but it ain't gritty!

Goddamn, does Alexandra Daddario have a great body though... and so does Tania Raymonde. They could have made the whole movie featuring them in skimpy clothing talking about politics and I would have been satisfied.

I still don't have a fucking clue how or why Lionsgate signed a 6 movie deal with this. Were they trying to create sequels? Probably not. Probably just sequels to the original, each and every time... Talk about milking a dead horse, huh?

Another big problem is that Heather is supposed to be 20 something, but the movie strictly abides by the original's timeline, and the gravestone of Marilyn Burn's character clearly says 2012 on it, so she's actually about 39 years old? I'll never get over that shit... I guess it's possible that a 39 year old woman is hanging out with whipper-snappers half her age, but it's still a weird fucking way to write it...

Everybody hates this movie, but the real question is... do they hate it more than The Next Generation? I love both of these movies. Part 3 is easily the worst to me, and I'm not sure why.

What the fuck is going on in this series? The world may never know...

Anticipation for Halloween Kills

Oh, what a time we live in... Halloween had its 40th anniversary 2 years ago, and the next entry is slated for October of this year. Will it happen, though? I've heard doubts in recent months, but I'm trying to be optimistic because why the fuck wouldn't they release it? Nothing else is lined up, so it's sure to be a box office hit if Corona doesn't kill all expectations.

It's always been a surreal place to be in when a new Halloween movie is close to coming out and yet there are so few details known about it. In a way, it can only go downhill from here, because if the movie sucks, this point in time will seem like the last moment when things were so promising.

All we can do is speculate and hope for the best, but as a lifelong fan of the series, I'm always hopeful that the next entry will make me fangasm. It's been described as Halloween on acid, and Halloween on speed. It's said to be violent as fuck, and we have so many returning originals, such as Lindsay Wallace, Tommy Doyle (character, not actor), Marion Crane (who has already died once in this series!), and Sheriff Leigh Brackett!

Somehow, they've gone this long without revealing any plot details or even a trailer, but something has to come soon. Right? I think the team involved has done a great job with the last movie. I just rewatched it for the 5th or so time, and it gets me amped. Also, I kinda wish they didn't squander the Dr. Sartain character. He could have lingered a bit more into the next entries. Rumor has it that Loomis will return in a flashback, and that has me intrigued...

Shot-On-Shiteo: The 80's



When I think back on the 80's, shot-on-video Horror movies isn't exactly the first thing that comes to mind. Maybe I was a bit too young to delve deep enough during the heyday, but come '93 or '94, I discovered a little movie called Blood Lake, which, as we all know, is from the 80's. A time when it was considered normal, dare I say common, for someone to choose some SOV Horror whilst movie-renting on a Friday night. I don't remember that but that's the world I want to live in. So, today, I pay tribute to the good old days of shot-on-video Horror while taking a look at three examples of SOV greatness. And don't worry. There will be no further mention of Blood Lake, which I love, but I know you hate. To each their own. Maybe we'll find some common ground within the ones I've chosen. Above all, these three films represent their era nicely and capture that independent spirit which made them all special to begin with. Today, we're going to talk about the doll, the twins and the 'shine.

The Doll: Yeah, I'm going there! One of the weirdest WTF movies available is probably, hands down, THE weirdest SOV, period. Because of this, Chester N. Turner's Black Devil Doll From Hell almost always get a mention when this era and this format are brought up. What makes this movie so weird, you ask? It's not so much the all-black cast as it is the fact that this all-black cast includes a sex-crazed puppet from Hell. And considering how bottom-of-the-barrel all this is, That's pretty weird, right? On top of coming off completely random and demented, Black Devil Doll From Hell also feels a bit like a Christian film, at times, as the main character is extremely religious. Being as devout as it gets, Helen is a virgin and plans on keeping it that way until the day she is married. Helen pleads with her friends who are on the wrong path to get right with God before it's too late. She means well, but whether Helen knows it or not, she is missing something from her life: Big, black dick!

One day, Helen finds herself looking around in a thrift store and comes across an item that is going to change her life forever. Some Webster-looking doll has been sitting here for who knows how long, awaiting a special lady he can consume with his demonic powers. Preferably a lonely one who has gone her entire life unfucked. Like many others before her, lonely, horny Helen is vulnerable to the silent charms of this hunk of wood and she doesn't even realize it yet. Helen immediately buys the doll and takes her new prized possession home with no reason ever given as to what she needs with this thing. Well, as we know. Helen needs to get laid, so, let's just say that problem is about to work itself out. Suddenly, the doll becomes a jive-talkin' bastard. He attacks Helen, ties her up and goes to town on her virginity until it's no more. All this while being unnecessarily mean about it. First a horrifying experience, but Helen has just gone far too long without getting laid to not appreciate it. She also seems to like getting her vagina licked which I didn't see coming. She at least likes a doll tongue shoved up in there. So, Helen now becomes a total slut.

Yeah, Helen is a total slut, now. A slut with an itch that can never be scratched. Just when Helen found true happiness, the doll hightails it, leaving her forever wanting more. Helen wants more dick, but not just dick, in general. Helen doesn't want to be a slut but she needs to find some dick that can make her forget about what she has experienced. However, it quickly becomes apparent that only the doll will do, now. Helen believes her now throbbing vagina was made for this evil thing and will never be the same without it. As desperation prevails, Helen attempts to find her doll, making the biggest mistake of her life. And speaking of mistakes, how 'bout them opening credits? What were they, 7, 8 minutes? Seemed more like 7 or 8 hours. That just needs to be pointed out by someone whenever this movie gets brought up because it's simply fucking ridiculous, and avoidable. There's nothing wrong with making a movie that's just over an hour. Despite the cult status of this thing, the rest of the movie isn't much easier to sit through. In fact, I'd say watching two or three certain scenes would qualify one to join in any conversation involving Black Devil Doll From Hell. I'd totally recommend those scenes for anyone who likes weird scenes. The movie, not so much. 3/10

The Twins: That's right, the twins! Don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about. John and Mark Polonia, who, nowadays, are responsible for scores of films. All of which are no more or less polished or budgeted than that of a Chris Seaver movie. And like Chris Seaver, they have their own weird charm. The Polonia brother's second (first official?) film came in 1987, called Splatter Farm. Truly one of the roughest and lowest budgeted films of any format. Something around 100 bucks, I hear. And you will wonder where exactly this alleged money went as there is only a cast of four, with the Polonia weirdos being half of that. I've seen quite a few of these guy's movies and this is the only one that I would consider to be "sick". Most of their filmography would be closer to cheesy, but this is who they were in the beginning. I don't know what was going through the little fella's heads, but one 80's Summer, they spent a couple of months with their friend's grandmother at her Pennsylvania farm, with the intention of creating something. Not necessarily anything good, but hopefully something.

Splatter Farm was co-directed by the Polonia's pal, Todd Michael Smith, who was good enough to offer his grandmother's services. John and Mark play Joseph and Alan, who are heading down to their aunt's farm for the summer for reasons I'm not 100% clear on. Just to do chores and take naps, I guess. This Aunt Lacey is one creepy old lady. I don't see anything that she may be doing to purposely come off that way, so, I think she's just like that. Her acting is something to behold. Not that it's the single worst case I've ever seen. I've just never seen anyone act quite like that before. So, anyway. Aunt Lacey hates one of the twins and wants to get it on with the other, making both cases pretty obvious. Todd Smith plays Lacey's psychotic, lipstick wearing handyman, who, of course, wants to fuck the other twin. He killed a pony earlier. He bashed it's brains right in. Poor thing was cute, too. If Jeremy is going to do that to a pony, what do you think he's going to do to these little pussies? All we can do is hope Aunt Lacey gets some action before the hot twin gets it. Or not. Whatever. I personally feel like it would be funny if he fucked her.

So, we got some incest, some really ketchupy looking blood, anal rape, forced shit-eating, and some unusual accents from some unusual little gippers with mustaches. Hell, they did good. When you have literally nothing else to work with, including ideas, why not just make things as sick as possible? This is true independent filmmaking in it's purest form. This is the stuff only meant for those of us who not only love but believe in this shit. And the ones who have learned to overlook just about anything. There is so much about Splatter Farm that would make most see it as more of a home movie than SOV Horror and I wouldn't be too quick to blame them. There was a sickening tone to it, though, not unlike The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So, quality-wise, it does have that going for it. And whether she knew it or not, that dude's grandmother added a certain creepiness. From what I've heard, she was portrayed a bit sicker than she was aware of. I'm not even sure she was informed that she was playing the role of someone who tries to stick it to her nephew. Naughty little Polonias! 4/10

The 'Shine: Out of all the shot-on-video Horror that came out of this decade, I can't think of very many that were Zombie flicks. In fact, with the exception of Todd Sheets' Zombie Rampage, only one comes to mind. To me, this is the mother of all 80's SOVs. My personal favorite, to be honest, as well as my all-time favorite non-Kaufman Troma movie. Yes, I'm closing this thing out just like the 80's closed out. With 1989's Redneck Zombies! It's just so bad, yet so ambitious at the same time. So happy to exist. It's silly, but damned if there's not a little genius deep down in there. Not a lot. Sometimes, you have to look hard but it is there. If you've seen it, I'm sure you know what I mean. Unless you're a horrible person with faggish taste, but I'm not here to judge. Only to enlighten. Directed by Pericles Lewnes and given a financial hand near the end by Lloyd Kaufman, Redneck Zombies, above all, is very self-aware. Much more than anything like it at the time. Just a trashy, slapsticky good time, in the spirit of everything from Return Of The Living Dead to The Three Stooges.

Somewhere out in the sticks, Tyrone the soldier is hauling a barrel of toxic waste off somewhere better. However, when he burns his finger on a joint, he accidentally has a wreck, sending said barrel tumbling down a hill, lost forever. There was a dog who was about to get some joint shared with him, but he sort of vanished once things went south. I'm not sure what happened there. A morbidly obese hick shows up with his gun and decides the barrel is his. Tyrone knows when he's licked, so, he hightails it because that's all he can do. Ferd Mertz's new toy immediately becomes the Clemson clan's new still as they quickly run his fat ass off with their guns. Meanwhile, we got this group of campers who are looking for a nice spot with a pond to piss in. With a specific spot in mind, Wilbur leads his pain in the ass group of friends deep into the woods. These people really must want to be out here because they don't seem to know or like each other all that well. Meanwhile, the Clemsons have convinced themselves this green shit is going to make them a killing. That's one way of putting it...

The Clemsons send out Elly May to make the deliveries, and not two seconds later, they get to drinkin'. It might have been a good idea to do that before Elly left. Now, they're all dead. Meanwhile, oblivious Elly goes around town, spreading his family's radioactive death to all. I would say they all rise as Redneck Zombies, but the truth is, somebody needed to look up the definition of "redneck" before filming this. One could make the argument that the people in this film are more so portrayed as hicks, and at times, even hillbillies. What exactly is a redneck? An ignorant, white asshole who probably lives in a rural area? Yeah, I guess they're rednecks, but maybe the out of place Beverly Hillbillies influence was just for laughs like everything else. I'm sure Mr. Lewnes knows what a redneck is. There are few films I've seen more times than this one. Some movies just never get old, do they? Little hearwarming qualities keep me coming back. Like the obvious change in seasons during a single scene, to the drunk guy who is never acknowledged. Some things can't even be explained. Some things are seemingly meant to mess with our heads, I think. Redneck Zombies is more than just another SOV abomination and not just another movie picked up by Troma. Redneck Zombies is just plain one of a kind, which is probably a good thing. 10/10

And that's what pops into my head when I think of this era of shot-on-video Horror: A sexually abusive doll, creepy twins, and radioactive moonshine. With a bunch of cool shit like that, one has to wonder how the popularity of these things dwindled in the first place. The early ones were some truly bizarre stuff given an unintentional aura of realism by a cheap, new format. This format allowed some truly bizarre people to share their visions with the world without having to borrow millions of dollars. And in some cases, good money was made from them. Only in the 80's, though. Shot-on-video Horror did carry on throughout the 90's on a smaller, more underground scale, and would finally give out sometime in the early 2000's. Some people still make one now and then, but never again will these films be (worth) what they were because once the game changes, it never changes back.

Jason Lives...

I've been chugging the rum, so my mind can't do anything other than zone out to slashers today. Maybe ramble on about them too, but here we go...

First, it was his mother. Then, it was the man himself in a potato sack. Then, he killed, he killed again, then he didn't kill... and then he became a zombie. I'm not sure what the producers were thinking, but somehow... it worked. They decided to revive the years old corpse in a Frankenstein manner, and voila. Enter zombie Jason.

The director had a lot of Frankenstein homages in this: resurrection by electricity, "Teenage Frankenstein", Karloff's store, and probably some other shit, but why not? Frankenstein is a good parallel for Jason. I've heard theories of how the old Universal monsters can translate into the next age slashers. Jason is a Frankenstein of sorts, Freddy is a Dracula of sorts, Leatherface is a wolfman sorta, and maybe Michael is a phantom of the opera?

By the time it gets to part 6, you'd think it would be shit, but F13-6 is a lot of fun. Arguably the best of the series. We return to the camp, we have a great Jason, we have a protagonist to root for, and this movie has a good sense of humor about it. What does he think I am? Some kind of fart-head?


YEAH!!!

You Should Have Left (2020)

Kevin Bacon reteams with Stir of Echoes director David Koepp for a weird psychological thriller about a family that moves into a country house that quickly starts to drive Kevin Bacon crazy.

With that said, the setup has Kevin Bacon (61) married to Amanda Seyfried (34). They play on the age difference a bit and he gets jealous of her acting career and thinks she's cheating on him with other men her own age. They do have a kid together though, and that's what keeps him sane about the whole thing. Sort of. You see, the little daughter eventually asks her mom why people hate daddy so much, and she's informed of a less than honorable backstory about his first wife, and well... it builds off of that.

It's a pretty decent story. I love when Kevin Bacon ventures into darker material, and he does a great job. However, while the story is pretty interesting, I can't help but think that the author (book written in 2017) was heavily inspired by Stephen King and Joe Hill's "In the Tall Grass" (book written in 2012). I'd watched In the Tall Grass (2019) a few months back and they're very similar.

Ben Drowned

If anyone here has heard of the creepypasta Ben Drowned, there's a YouTuber named Nexpo that just made a movie version of it for the 10th anniversary of the creepypasta. If you haven't heard of it, it's the story of a guy who finds a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask at a yard sale. As he plays the game, he realizes there is something seriously fucked up with the version he is playing. I think it's the best-haunted gaming creepypasta out there.

The original creator of Ben Drowned goes by the name Jadusable on YouTube. He uses footage from the game and it's pretty creepy and unsettling at times. You can find his playlist on his Youtube channel Jadusable. I highly recommend you check his videos out.

If interested, here's the link to Nexpo's video.

Bill & Ted Face the Music trailer

The world needs this message now more than ever. Be excellent to each other.