Dark Harvest (2023)

What the fuck was this shit? I'm a sucker for anything Halloween-related, and the movie is very polished and professional looking, but story-wise? It's a rip-off of Pumpkinhead, only more bizarre and less charming.

So as the beginning of the movie will show you, teenagers form a mob every Halloween night in this rural Gatlin-esque Children of the Corn type game they're supernaturally forced to play (is one way of putting it). The mob of jocks hunts the dangerous monster Sawtooth Jack, and whoever kills him gets to leave this cornfield city in a fancy new car. So this one jock does it by beating Sawtooth Jack to death, and then everyone surrounds him and eats his guts because they taste sweet and juicy. And that's just the first five minutes!

Doesn't matter, he revives all the time and they keep doing this to stop a family curse or some bullshit. The main protagonist teenager jock and his girlfriend think this plot is convoluted and stupid too, so they try to get out of the small town, but certain parties don't want to allow that, for some other contrived reason relating to the family curse plot. Yeah, I can't follow it either.

This movie exists for some reason.

#Review

I think AI sucks

Even as a tech guy, I think it inspires laziness. I love the idea in theory, but in practice, it's always going to fall into the hands of trolls or generally stupid people.

I joined some Halloween movie group on Facebook and half the shit on there is Michael/Jason AI images. Usually demeaning these iconic slashers by making them beefcakes or celebrating something they should have no emotion for.

Also, when I look for pictures of big-tittied women, a lot of that shit is AI, too. If it ain't fake tits, it's fake fake tits, am I right?


I think AI is doomed to make us all more dumb than we already are. Imagination? Never heard of her.

Sugar Boxx (2009)

Another women in prison movie. It intends to be a throwback, but it's far too amateur for that. In fact, this movie isn't ambitious at all. If you're going to make an exploitation throwback, why the hell would you make it so tame and boring? What's the fucking point?

I hate it when some chump with no good ideas and a lot of money is able to sway quality trash talent into very subpar projects. Talent like Jack Hill, Kitten Natividad, and Tura Santana. Then again, this movie seemed to have a shit budget because it's a "women in prison" movie, but there is no prison. They didn't even try to suggest it. This "prison" is like some rich dude's house in L.A. and every room and jail cell are just bedrooms. The women are in bikinis when they're poolside in that LA backyard, or they are dressed liesurely.

Yes, I know... this movie sounds awesome. It's just so damn boring, though. I did like this bit at the end when this rent-a-cop looking ally of the girls killed. As he lay dying, the girl gives him a blowjob as a parting gift, because he's earned it, god damnit! And as he is bleeding out, he's hard enough to cum in like 5 seconds! Of course, they don't show anything at all because this movie fucking sucks, but it's the thought that counts, right? Anyone?


Yeah, fuck this movie.

#Review

Reform School Girls (1986)

This one has been on my watchlist for about 10 years, so I figured I'd finally give in. Women in prison films are great because they feature a lot of women and a lot of exploitation. The plots are basically the same each time, with female inmates unable to expose corrupt prison antics, and this movie is no different. In fact, I can't even remember why the girl gets sent to this place to begin with, but that's not important. What's important are the many tropes of prison flicks, and we get plenty of them.


Our lead is Jenny (Linda Carol), and she's a total babe. IMDb wants us to believe that she was only 15 or 16 at the time this movie came out, but I refuse to believe that. She plays the strong-willed protagonist who will take the abuse if she needs to. And she totally gets naked.

Then you have that fat bitch on a power trip Edna (Pat Ast) out to ruin everybody's day just for the lulz. She reminds me of Nancy Parsons of Motel Hell and Porky's fame, with her smug and gloating nature. Nancy played "Ida" in Motel Hell, and Pat plays Edna in this, so there's also that.


There are plenty of hotties throughout, and even the warden has a bit of a Ilsa vibe going, but then there's one woman that's a little off.

Charlie (Wendy O. Williams) is at this alleged juvenile correction center, but she looks like she's 40! The actress is right around there too. When they say they'll double her sentence, they must have doubled it a lot! She's not a great actress, is she? I guess I refer specifically to when she dies and really milks it. I think all of her scenes are of her in skimpy attire like that. She doesn't know how to wear clothes.


So yeah, there is plenty of nudity in this movie. I really love when the lead gets topless, like in this and The Funhouse and maybe even a third movie. Plus, there's a shower scene and some other sex scenes. At one point, Jenny decides she needs this mediocre dude's "deposit", and said dude is played by James Staszkiel, who a lot of dumbasses believe was Eddie Van Halen in that scene in RoboCop where the unemployed guy is rambling about freedom not being free. He's not an attractive man, but Jenny was gushing for him.

When Lord? When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?^{have a hottie gushing over me?}

#Review

Village people poles

As requested by Mincy Vincy

Documentary Challenge 2024 •RESULTS•

Anyone in the mood for a spot of learning (or otherwise) for the month of February, can make your spot below.

1 point for every minute watched of any documentary (minimum duration of 30 minutes).

Add 10 points for a documentary about a dark subject matter (serial killers, war, etc.).

Add 20 points for a documentary about the horror genre or a specific horror movie.

Get an extra 25 bonus points for a FTV.

All of the above includes per episode of a series.

DVD and Blu-ray commentaries and mockumentaries/pseudo-documentaries will not be permitted. It's strictly for learning shit.

No YouTube videos.

The Documentary Challenge will begin Thursday 1st February at 00:00 hrs and end on the 29th at 23:59.

Please post any questions in the shoutbox.

Have fun with your knowledge gaining!

The Crow remake is looking pretty bad...

There are pics of Skarsgard as the main hero, and his haircut looks stupid, and so do his tattoos. Someone said they're modeling him on Jared Leto's Joker, and that seems possible. Why would anyone want to do that, though?

The original film's director Alex Proyas doesn't seem impressed either. I think Bill could be a good fit if only they went with the more traditional look. He is bug-eyed yet weirdly handsome enough that he could play the part adequately, but they really should have ripped off the original look like all the shitty sequels did. At least I wouldn't have the costumes and outfits to complain about.

Reprisal (2018)

As far as DTV action/crime thrillers go, this one is pretty good. Anything with Frank Grillo gets the benefit of the doubt, and they threw in Bruce Willis too, because they all go DTV eventually.

Jacob (Frank Grillo) is a family-man banker who gets traumatized after a heist. Should he have tried harder to stop the robber? What could his sorry ass do anyway? Enter James (Bruce Willis), ex-cop neighbor with the resources to help Jacob's unofficial investigation into the whereabouts of this dickhead villain.

So Grillo doesn't play his usual bad-ass action hero self, and Willis plays a pretty reserved character (for the most part) who says a few things and stands around for most of his scenes. I'm not sure when his mental decline began, but I suspect it was around this time. For what it's worth, it's actually not a bad performance out of him. I'm sure the DTV action crap he did after this was far worse.

See it. Or don't. I don't give a shit.

#Review

Halloween: 25 Years of Terror doc

It's been about 15 years since I watched it, and since my stupid obsessive brain never stops thinking about these movies AND it is a documentary challenge, I revisited this. What's so interesting is to see how different the franchise was at that point. The series is now about twice as old as it was when that "comprehensive" retrospective was at the time. You had interviews with Rob Zombie about his thoughts on the franchise, and this was before he made his two movies.

One part I find particularly hilarious is the case of contest winner Heather Bowen for a walk-on appearance in the next Halloween film. With her involvement in the Halloween convention depicted in this doc, some theorize the contest was rigged. Maybe she sucked someone's dick, because she wasn't shy. She flashes dem titties unprovoked and even someone out of place in an otherwise straight-forward documentary, but whatever. Halloween 9 never happened, but she did have a cameo in Rob Zombie's 2007 movie... in a cut scene. 😄


Danielle Harris was only in her twenties at the time of this doc. She talks about how she doesn't do many of these conventions on account of her stalker, but time sure have changed. As much as I hate RZ's Halloween, it did reignite her B-horror scream queen status, so I thank it for that. And for getting her topless in it. Such a charming and romantic scene it was...

I'm happy to see that the doc portrayed H6 as a failure, because it was. Karen Strode actress Marianne Hagan had harsh words about director Joe Chappelle, and deservedly so. He doesn't care about the franchise and is never interviewed. Don't you just hate when people are like that? H6 is too flashy and the P-cut is much more tonally appropriate.

They mention halloweenmovies.com on there a few times. I used to go to that site all the time, as well as the official halloween message board (just lurking). I used to browse all those hundreds of fan sites back in the day, and all that internet activity is what led to Halloween 8 being web-centric and reality/fandom based.

And for that, I am SO sorry, folks.

Blackberry (2023)

A biopic of the guys who created the first smartphone. Jay Baruchel is the nerd who comes up with the idea, and Glenn Howerton is the bald businessman who makes it happen. There's still a lot of Dennis in his character, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The era is late 90s to late 2000s, which is when I was completely in the dark about cell phones. I didn't get my first phone till around 2014, so this movie was informative on how phone evolved throughout that era. And then how the blackberry empire collapsed.


Anybody ever have a blackberry device? Keyboard on the front, taking away all that screen space?

#Review