I've never really been much of a Werewolf fan. I've enjoyed an exclusive few over the years. An American Werewolf In London and Ginger Snaps is just about all I can come up with off the top of my head. At least as far the the more traditional stuff goes. But over the years, there have been some unusual, or just plain weird ones that have caught my eye. Movies like The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, and the more recent Werewolf In A Women's Prison. Neither all that great, but odd enough to be enjoyable. Much like the film I want to talk about today. And that'd be Werewolves On Wheels from 1971. Not only the bottom of the Werewolf barrel, but the bottom of the biker flick barrel, as well. By the time this film came along, the biker genre was all but dried up, and needed extra shit thrown in to spice things up while the last few dollars were milked out of it. "Shit" meaning Werewolves in this case. And shitty werewolves they certainly were. Come to think of it, the bikers weren't much better.
"The Devil's Advocates" is what they called themselves. They'd like you to think they be some mean mothers, but in reality, they're merely a bunch of crude, obnoxious drug addicts who kid around with each other ALOT. But like any biker gang, there's power in numbers, so, they have no problem acting tough when necessary. Led by a ruffian named Adam, The Devil's Advocates ride across country, fancying themselves whatever the hell, raising all sorts of hell, but nothing too out of hand, from what I see. One of the members, a psychic/fortune teller type, insists some kind of danger hovers over the gang. The gang decides a nearby Satanic monastery is responsible. They also decide that going there is the best move. In one of many scenes which suggests nobody has any idea of what to do, the gang gets all rowdy with each other outside the monastery, and carried away with their rough housing, not noticing how fucked up it is that they've been surrounded by a bunch of Satanic monks.
At first, the monks seem ok, showering them all with wine and bread. One of the advocates suggests that all they need now is some dancers. The dancers never show up. And within seconds, The Devil's Advocates all pass out from the wine. Long enough for the monks to kidnap Adam's girlfriend and take her inside to be their sacrifice. Everyone comes to just in time to save her, but while doing so, a curse has been placed upon them. These guys aren't too bright, but bright enough to figure out that something bad just happened. Adam, the alleged brains of the outfit, decides they all need to head out to the desert to get their head straight. Good plan, I could certainly think of worse places to do so.
As they head out into the desert to hang out and horse around, very few of them are all that concerned any more. A lot of fuckin', drug taking and laughing with seemingly no point intended. However, a couple of them are torn to shreds by a werewolf on the first night. At least one, that is. The next morning, a funeral is had, once the bodies are discovered. With the usual beer and cocaine, of course. They all seem to get over the shock as they walk away. "We can't be goddamn women over these things", claims Adam. Wiser words were never spoken. As the boys have a fun filled day of stealing gas for their sweet rides, and picking on some ornery, old fat man, The Advocates head back to their new favorite hangout to turn over a car which was occupied by Adam and his bitch. Just for laughs, of course. A guy called Movie is torn to shreds that night, which makes the boys even more suspicious that something isn't right. That's three of them dead, now. There's definitely something wrong.Ok, if this film isn't at least 90% improvised, then, I just don't know what to think. As lazy and possibly non-existent as the script for this movie may be, a bit of realism often shines through the unbelievable mess that is this movie. I mean, it's believable that this is what a bunch of druggie bikers act like when they're out and about, raising hell and whatnot. Most of the movie seems aimless and pointless, and the kills aren't much. But the cheese factor is what Werewolves On Wheels really has going for it. I know. hard to believe, going by the title.
Anyone into 70's schlock would be wise to not overlook this Werewolf-Biker hybrid. The only real downside is that nothing was ever taken all that far. It's pretty tame on all levels, seemingly just for the sake of being tame. There's blood, nudity and profanity, but considering all the unrated/X-rated stuff that was coming out in this era, I expected a little more in those areas. I suspect someone who was financing this film might have been a big old prude. Although, this minor flaw shouldn't be a deal breaker. The fun and stupidity should be enough for a night's entertainment. So, say your "ooblah dooblahs", get high on whatever you can find in your leather jacket, and check out this Werewolf abomination which could only exist in the early 70's. 6/10
#Review
The Toxic Avenger 2 was inevitable, but I doubt anyone expected (or wanted) a 3 hour movie. Kaufman and Herz went a little overboard with the shot footage, but it was later decided that there was enough of it to make 2 movies. So, in 1989, Troma not only released The Toxic Avenger 2, but part 3, as well. And as a longtime fan of the original, I can't express my disgust and disappointment enough. 2 and 3 were simply awful. These films lacked the grittiness and B-movie charm of Toxie 1, which was replaced with a more whimsical feel, and less gruesome, more cartoonish violence. Plus, the continuity was garbage. Toxie was a good 5 inches shorter, with a younger, more friendly sounding voice. His girlfriend Sarah is now called "claire" and is a dumbass. While totally different, this was obviously from the same people as the original, but obviously different for a reason. With money and success comes compromise. I'd say sponsors frowned upon the violence and certain politically incorrect jokes from Toxie 1, and probably assumed the sequels would be just as successful if it was more kid friendly. Wrong, money hungry cunts!
We're treated to many "fish out of water" jokes with Toxie and Noxie. Toxie deals with all sorts of Amortville scum and perverts, while Noxie knocks off half the Tromaville population in a comically gruesome manner, convincing everyone that Toxie has snapped. As Toxie battles an evil kabukiman and other bad guys on the other side, Noxie knocks up Sarah after a raping, which means she's now pregnant with two fetuses. One from Toxie and one from Noxie. But after meeting Sarah's counterpart, Claire, and his dead sidekick's counterpart, Toxie may have found a way to get himself and his retards back home, where there will be hell to pay for The Noxious Offender.
As much as some of the humor wears on my nerves, sometimes, they really did get it right with this one. Citizen Toxie is basically a cross between the original Toxic Avenger and Terror Firmer, which probably wasn't a surprise to anyone. The homage to The Wizard Of Oz, the intentional continuity errors, and of course the whole retard thing ultimately made this film a fun and satisfying experience. Troma pulled out all the stops, here, with cameo after cameo, featuring appearances by Trent Haaga, Lemmy, Will Keenen, Ron Jeremy (as the Mayor), Eli Roth, Corey Feldman, and none other than Mark Torgl in a very unexpected appearance. To me, Heidi Sjursen's portrayal of Sarah was also one of the highlights. She more or less made a joke out of the character, and looks to be younger than the original was way back in 1984, She seems to get dumber and dumber as the story progresses, which is pretty hot.
But first, a little backstory leading to this point in time. From the late 50's to the early 70's, Herschell Lewis exploited just about every exploitable taboo in his films. From Nudie Cuties to Hixploitation, the man covered a lot of ground. However, there's only one taboo he will be remembered for. We all know that's the Gore. But not just gore, itself. Herschell along with his producer and friend, David F. Friedman, made history by making the balsy move of being the first people to come out with Horror (for the lack of a better word) films with kill scenes which included graphic violence. Fake looking, yes. But there was just so much of it! Not that they could compare with a Martyrs or a Dead Alive, but this was groundbreaking stuff for 1963. And those who weren't impressed by this, were absolutely outraged and sickened. But tough shit. There were no laws preventing the gore. Nor would there ever be.
For a while, it may have seemed these films, and maybe even the era itself, had been forgotten. But with the emergence of Something Weird Video, the world would be reminded, and a new generation would be made aware of Herschell Gordon Lewis' contributions and the impact it had. He didn't know it yet, but Herschell had become a legend. Thanks to Mike Vraney, we were treated to dvd releases of most of Herschell's films, packed with extras, usually including some entertaining and informative audio commentary tracks by Herschell himself, telling his story, piece by piece. As something Weird Video breaths new life into the old films, it becomes more and more clear over the years, that making another film might be an option. And in 2002, thirty years after The Gore Gore Girls, Herschell finally gave all the gorehounds what they were craving with a sequel to his most famous film, Blood Feast. However, there would be high expectations for a Blood Feast 2. And rightfully so.
Unlike the original Blood Feast, as well as most of Herschell's gore films, this sequel was not filmed in Florida. To me, that takes away, but isn't unforgivable. I guess the story is supposed to take place in Miami, though. In Blood Feast 2, we meet the grandson of Fuad Ramses, cleverly named Fuad Ramses III. Fuad the 3rd has inherited his grandfather's catering business, which he is now taking over. I have no idea how this works, exactly. Did he actually inherit this place from his father, who originally inherited it from Fuad the 1st, decades ago, or are we supposed to think no time has passed since 1963? If so, they're doing a shitty job of making it look like it's 1963.
Most of the "so bad it's good" humor comes from two places. The oblivious cops, and a rather cunty woman named Mrs. Lampley, who's daughter is getting married. The Lampleys come to Fuad the 3rd to cater the reception. Mrs. lampley is a horrible, controlling woman, who you just know is going to get it sooner or later. She probably has the best lines in the movie, though. Meanwhile, Fuad the 3rd is on a killing spree so he can please Ishtar as well as his new clients. Which brings us back to the cops. One, a fat fuck, who constantly feeds his fat face in literally every scene he's in. And the other, a green little gipper who could pass for a junior in highschool. The two of them make asses of themselves as they try to make sense out of all the gore. Never once are they on the same page, as they both suspect Fuad, but at different stages in the movie. Even when evidence stares them right in the face, they still don't get it. Meanwhile, the arrogant Fuad barely even has to try and cover his tracks. Where's Thomas Wood when you need him?
The release of Heaven and Hell conveniently came out around the same time as Ozzy's first solo album. Most anyone doubting the capabilities of this new guy was no doubt put in their place pretty quick by this refreshing new take on this no longer familiar band. What is now considered the traditional Sabbathy sound, had been replaced by a more contemporary Metal sound, perfect for the times. Black Sabbath was indeed back. But sadly, this new version would slowly crumble, as drummer, Bill Ward, took off not too long after this, due to personal issues. There would be one more album with Dio, but with a new drummer. A guy named Vinny Appice, who did a fairly good job filling in for the burnt out Ward. Not long after this, there was a huge disagreement, Dio left he band, took Appice with him, and started his legendary solo career. And so begins Black Sabbath's so-called dark period.
Ten years and five albums later, Sabbath had become about as irrelevant as it was going to get. With its current era having little identity due to constant bass and drum changes, Iommi had no problem telling current singer, Tony Martin, and whoever else, to get lost, as the team of Dio/Appice was returing to the fold. And of course. Geezer too. After one pain in the ass recording process, Dehumanizer was born. A very un-Dio-Sabbathy bunch of songs. Uninspired, uninteresting, and put bluntly, a little hard on the ears. A growly Dio sounds like shit on this one for some reason, and really, they all do. I don't know what happened, but Fuck Dehumanizer. That's all I got to say. And who really cares about Black Sabbath in 1992, anyway?
Not bad at all. Dio, Iommi, Butler and Appice left Black Sabbath behind and the baggage and drama that came with it, and just did what they do best; Create amazing music. I wouldn't put this one quite up there with the Heaven and Hell and Mob Rules albums, but this is a far cry from Dehumanizer, which left a bad taste in many mouths for many years, until The Devil You Know finally came along and made up for it. Any fan of of this Sabbath incarnation should have no trouble forgetitng this is not an official Sabbath album. Because when it comes down to it, the music is all that matters in the end.
After a successful release and tour, plans were already in place for yet another album to be recorded. Iommi was already throwing around ideas for riffs and everything. This, of course, did not happen, and, sadly, never will, as Ronnie James Dio was diagnosed with stomach cancer. And on May 16th, 2010, it did him in. The world had lost one of the true icons of Metal. Now, I don't believe in an afterlife. And from what I've heard, neither did he, but I do hope that somewhere, on some plain of existence, the voice of God is alive and well, and restored to its 80's perfection. Not that his voice lost much in his final years. Quite remarkably, his 67 year old vocal cords did him better than most 27 year olds. Ronnie James Dio will never be known as someone who wore out his welcome. He just kept on kicking ass until the very end.
