Virgins, Cougars & Whores, Oh, My!
Remember that guy who called Crispin Glover a "dead fuck" In Friday The 13th Part IV? Lawrence Monoson is his name. A fine little actor. I saw him in this other movie once called The Last American Virgin, which came out a couple years prior. Directed by Boaz Davidson, who is best known for the Lemon Polsicle series. A bunch of Israeli teen sex comedies set in the 1950's. A totally watchable bunch of movies not unlike American Graffiti, or even American Pie at times. In the early 80's, Boaz would come to the states to try his luck with a contemporary, Americanized remake of these movies, and the result would be one of the most fun and all around teen sex comedies of the decade. The Last American Virgin... A Lemon Popsicle story.
imageThe Lemon Popsicle movies always include the same three characters, none of which ever acknowledge the events of any other movie in the series. And in The Last American Virgin, there are three characters which represent the originals: The slick, good looking one who usually turns out to be a dick. The loudmouth fat boy who turns out to be a loyal friend and an all around swell guy, but is mainly meant for comedy relief. And of course the main character, who is usually after something a little more real than just sex. That's where Lawrence Monoson comes in. He plays a kid named Gary. Gary, along with his two best friends, Rick and David, are all about prying the lady's legs apart by any means necessary. On any given Friday night, the game plan remains the same: Get that pussy!
imageOf course all that pussy gettin' usually includes a fair amount of unwanted craziness like getting caught and chased away by angry husbands and parents before they can get all their clothes on, or getting a case of the crabs. It's hard to synpathize with the relentless little fuck boys as they usually bring it all on themselves. Their ambition and determination almost always outweighs their common sense. Soon, something will happen which takes Gary's mind off the game, and ultimately disrupts the harmony within this trio of besties. As Gary notices the new girl in school, he immediately has to kiss his heart goodbye as it now belongs to Karen. Gary is clever enough to get his foot in the door and become somewhat aquainted with Karen, and even get her to like him a little, but not quite clever enough to get her to agree to go out with him. And just like that, it's too late. Gary's smoother friend, Rick, gets the girl instead. You snooze, you lose, little buddy.
imageGary is crushed, and doesn't even attempt to hide his disapproval, while said disapproval seems to go more or less undetected for some reason. We're not sure Rick's intentions are quite as pure as Gary's, but we get to that a little later. However, for now, Gary doesn't seem to be totally giving up on making Karen his girl. Gary makes it a point to peer pressure Rick into continuing on with him and David in their quest for all the pussy, which, in all fairness, doesn't take a hell of a lot of effort. Rick comes off somewhat oblivious to Gary's inability to hide how he feels as he gets visibly upset any time Rick brings up his new girlfriend. That Gary sure does wear his heart on his sleeve. If he's not careful that mentality is going get that little heart of his broken, and maybe even cost him a friend. But first things first... get rid of these damn crabs, then sort everything else out.
Remember that girl who fucked her brother for some reason in Amityville II: The Possession? That was Karen, AKA Gary's would-be love interest. Diane Franklin was pretty good as the all-American teenage girl next door, clueless to Gary's feelings. However, Gary's feelings border on obsession as he continuously loses control of his emotions, making everyone elses cluelessness all the more of a headscratcher. Or maybe everyone else was too self-involved to notice or give a shit. In that case, I guess that was a pretty accurate portrayal of teenagers, to be honest. One thing that sets The Last American Virgin apart from pretty much every other 80's teen sex comedy I've seen is this one has heart. This one has something to say, and ultimately feels a little more real. And one thing this movie seems to be known for, above all, is that genuinely depressing ending that very well might leave you feeling a little bummed out and reminded of that fact that life just ain't fair sometimes. But with all the 80's shennanigans and 80's tunes along the way, the harsh reality check is well worth it. 6/10
Our two leads are Scott Wolf (Billy) and Mark Dacascos (Jimmy), orphan teens living in the dystopian post-earthquake island formerly known as Los Angeles in the year 2007. Similar concept to Escape from LA which was set in 2013, isn't it? So Billy & Jimmy are tasked to protect a magical amulet and keep it out of the hands of the generic villain, because that's an easy enough plot for anyone to follow.
Robert Patrick (Koga) is our smug, bleach-blond villain. He can turn into a somewhat fluid shadow form and imitate others. I bet he's never played a role like that before, am I right?
Yeah, it's a total cheesefest, but as a kid, I'm sure I would have loved it. Hell, even as an adult, I found it's retro-futuristic LA ninja-punk vibes to be surprisingly fun either way. And to make this movie legit, it features Al Leong as... you guessed it... a fucking henchman!