Teenape Vs. The Monster Nazi Apocalypse (2012)

I had heard about this one for a long time. An LBP masterpiece backed by Troma that was meant to be "The ultimate LBP/Teenape film", but somehow, for some reason, ended up being a film which both Chris Seaver and Lloyd Kaufman would rather us all not see and just forget about. The only words to come to mind after reading this is WHY, WHY and WHY???

OK. So, Everything I always heard about this for the years that it wasn't released is that it didn't end up as much of an LBP film as they intended. Not even a regular one, much less the ultimate one. Apparently, Uncle Lloyd had too much of a say in what went on during production, or something and it lacked the usual LBP magic. Yeah? Big deal. Kaufman is awesome, so, who cares? The film still features the long awaited return of Teenape, right? Tons of returning characters. Right? stupid, outrageous humor. Right? So, it couldn't possibly be so bad that it's not even worth releasing... Right?? Wrong!

After 4 years of jack shit, Teenape Vs. The Monster Nazi Apocalypse would finally be released on a Troma DVD with 2 other movies. One called Attack Of The Tromaggot, and the other called The Secret Of The Magic Mushrooms. Which gives a good indication of how important it was to Troma to get this one out there. Last I heard, Seaver & Troma both didn't want it to see the light of day, but the fans finally got their wish.

After 4 years of reading about this movie and slowly getting my hopes down, and even losing interest in the idea of seeing this movie. I recently decided too buy the Troma triple feature which included this once lost LBP anti-masterpiece. Cuz, let's be honest. It was gonna happen sooner or later, and like I said. I just had to see for myself.

So, in this ultimate LBP disappointment, we begin in 1945 with one of the most intelligence insulting stories Seaver has ever thrown at us. So far, we're off to a good start. The Paranormal Investigation Agency (PIA), which includes LBP favorite Leo De Champ, along with Marge, Thunder Ambrosia, Deathbone, & a returning Mr. Bonejack, all on a mission to Destroy Hitler (played by the legendry Josh Suire). A successful mission, as Hitler is indeed killed. However, Hitler's right hand henchwoman retained some of his DNA, and has vowed to bring him back to life to finish what he started. 65 years later, the surviving members of the PIA must once again deal with this trouble maker. But unlike last time, they got Teenape on their side. Which may or may not be a good thing...

Well, that was just sad! It's like this big story with a much bigger budget than normal and tons of returning characters. Reading about this unfortunate movie, it really does sound like the ultimate Seaver epic. But the humor was toned WAY down. The wacky randomness was simply not there. Not even a trace of it. And it seemed as if the actors just didn't wanna be there and were merely spitting out the lines they were being paid (?) to say. I can't believe this film was written and directed by Chris Seaver. But I can now see why he wouldn't want anyone to see it. Cuz it does sound like something worth getting excited about if you're into LBP. But it would turn out to be nothing but a disappointment. This movie simply has no soul. Teenape isn't even an ass hole. I can imagine Troma ruined this film the same way Hollywood is gonna ruin the Toxic Avenger remake. I guess that's justice for ya.

On the introduction, Kaufman doesn't even get the damn title right. He refers to it as "Teenape Meets The Nazi Moster Holocaust", which should give you guys an indication as to what he thinks of it. Not a completely worthless movie, but if you've never seen a Chris Seaver flick, do not let this one be your first. Let it be your last, if anything. 3/10

https://media.aintitcool.com/coolproduction/ckeditor_assets/pictures/8866/original/kaufman0120.jpg?1346442203

#Review

Jessicka Rabid (2010)

This movie's about a bunch of incestuous, white trash cousins, all shackin' up together, with the half-retarded mute (?), Jessicka as their neglected, big-breasted pet. At first, it seems as if she's a victim, being held there against her will, but they actually take her places, sometimes, and sorta acknowledge her as a member of the family. Mostly by trying to molest her or fuck her in the mouth.

Yet, there's also the parts where they cage her up, simply cuz it's more convenient. Now that I think about it, she's definitely a victim, too, considering all the rapings and beatings. I mean they hose her down, from time to time, & they give her plenty of dogfood & whatnot, so, it's not like she's got it THAT bad. But being that Jessica's too slow to know good treatment from bad, she's oblivious to any treatment that might not go over well with a non-retard. But ain't it funny how a little rabies can change everything?

This one of my favorite post-2000 Troma movies. They done good this time. There's not a dull moment to be found in this tasty little sleaze-fest. The first thing I noticed was the quality of the film. The movie is shot grainy, fuzzy, purposefully out of focus in parts. It's got the old school look down better than alot of films like this, which compliments the tone of the movie very much. Jessicka Rabid is as good of a modern old school B-Horror throwback as I've seen.



Not a lot of the circumstances are explained, and the movie never tries too hard to be something special. And in doing so, it actually succeeds. This is a mean-spirited film, with little to no retribution in sight. With just enough subtle dark humor thrown in to make it enjoyable, yet never self parodying. Not to mention, plenty of gore, depravity & incest, which I always love. Starring the legendary Trent Haaga. So, any Haaga freaks will definitely be diggin' this one. And keep in mind, sometimes Troma manages to come through. And this is absolutely one of those times. So, do yourself a favor and check this little beauty out. 6/10

#Review

The south will rise again...

Redneck Zombies. Not only does it have the most amazing title ever, but it also happens to be a masterpiece in general. Shot on video (which was a big deal in the advent of vhs and video cameras), this low budget sleazy, cheesy gorefest is equally gross, hilarious, disturbing, crappy, and awesome, all at the same time. It's rare for a movie to accomplish something so perfectly bad that it's awesome, but when Full Moon and Troma both put their name on it, then you know you have the recipe for a true trash epic.

I'm surprised this movie wasn't ripped off a ga-jillion times already. Today, zombies are so common in pop culture, awful shows with titles such as "The Walking Dead" are popular as fuck. Fuck that show! But zombies are still an obvious choice. And rednecks? Well, rednecks make for some damn fine movies, all the goddamn time! You have movies like Deliverance, Sothern Comfort, Two Thousand Maniacs, and so many others that set such high standards for what a good redneck film ought to have, but our fair Pericles Lewnes somehow figured out how to balance everything perfectly, and include as many redneck cliches as possible. Plus, he acts like a fruitcake throughout the whole movie, which ups the trashiness of the film, and we all know that trash is good! (Right?)

Severed Limbs, Bloodshed and Boobs!

Severed Limbs




Bloodshed




Boobs





Now it's your turn. The violenter, nuder and severed limbier the better.

Visitor Q (2001)

Trash Epics! Home of the trashiest and filthiest movies on the planet. And folks, they don't get much more filthy than Visitor Q. This one is positively revolting! Taboo ridden, boundary pushing, comic hilarity! One of Takashi Miik's more sicker films, this is the joys of Visitor Q.



The movie opens up with a question. "Have you ever done it with your dad?"
A lovely little opener that sets the tone for this particular shocker. If you weren't sure what you were in for, you should now.
We watch this young lady seduce her own father, who happens to be filming the naughty session for a documentary he's making (nice parenting there, dad). Of course this incestual act comes at a price, as the daughter so promptly suggests. The father soon seems to forget all about the camera, and things get very awkward very quickly, especially since the father finishes a little too quickly for the daughters tastes.
And there you have it, the first five minutes of Visitor Q and that's only the beginning. You think that's messed up, wait to you hear what else is in store.

You see, the mother of this family is a heroin junkie. She is also repeatedly beaten by her own son. The son is repeatedly bullied by classmates and the daughter is a whore who doesn't seem to mind rooting her own dad. The father of this... loving... family is always filming everything, including the abuse suffered by both the mother and the son, you know... for his documentary... and he seems quite pleased with the results. And you thought your family was bad!

So the movie revolves around a stranger who joins this dysfunctional family, and we see the day to day results. kinda like a mocumentary. Only it's actually good. This movie has everything. Sex, incest, sadism, whipping, lactating boobs, shit, necrophilia, murder, prostitution, rape, and with shaky cam, this makes quite the disturbing little film. It almost feels like your watching a documentary yourself, at times. Trust me, you'll be saying "WTF!" multiple times throughout.

But let me tell you something that could possibly make this movie even more disturbing.... it's pretty damn funny! I mean, not Monty Python funny, you would have to have a very dark sense of humour, but it's very possible to find this movie hilarious. There are certain scenes that I never though possible that I would laugh at... but Miike found a way. Yes this movie is comedic gold! I'd even go as far to say if you don't find this movie funny, you're obviously dead inside.

On a closing note, the ending is almost... beautiful. Dare I say it, this has one of the most touching family moment endings you may ever see....as sick as that might sound. I guess I just have a very twisted mind.

This movie is not for everyone. If you feel you might be easily offended, best give this one a skip. But then again, if you're on this site, you're not a pansy. You're a real man! Or real chick! And anything deemed offensive is considered awesome! You won't have to go looking very far. The amount of taboos broken in this one are unbelievable. If you are interested in the sick and twisted, and you're a fan of Takashi Miike, as well as wanting to see a very different kind of family film, then definitely check this one out!

Oh and uh... wanna know a secret..... It's on youtube. Wink wink nudge nudge;)



#Extreme #Incest #LactatingTits #Miike #Taboo

Pieces of Talent (2014)



I just finished "Pieces of Talent" and I have to say this is my favorite film I have watched this year.
Pieces of Talent centers around Charlotte who wants to be an actress, but isn't getting anywhere. She waits tables at a strip club on the side to pay the bills. Charlotte's alcoholic mother lives with her. One Night Charlotte is taking a break behind the strip club when she sees the bouncer beating up a guy. Charlotte runs to help the man. The bouncer caught the guy filming around the club. Charlotte helps the guy into his van and then drives him around until morning. Him and her then start talking and we find out this is David.
David is a serial killer who is lures his victims in by telling them he is filming a movie. He also resorts to druging and stalking his chosen victims. David takes an interest in Charlotte he wants her to be in his movie. They keep meeting and talking and on the side David is filming his movie. Stalking and killing people . And this all leads up to the end where he takes Charlotte to reveal his work.
This movie is well acted, directed and written . Some of the shots where so well done not just for a low budget film. The acting is some of the best acting I have seen in a while. David Long that played David did an amazing job portraying a crazy serial killer. David Long also co wrote the movie with Joe Stauffer. Joe also directed Pieces of Talent. Kristi Ray who played Charlotte did a great job as well. I usually don't even notice music in movies, but the music in this was good. Such a great film. This is a film that more people need to see. 9.5/10

Below I am going to leave the link to buy the movie. If you use the code "Horror" you can get $2 off when buying the DVD or VHS.

https://piecesoftalent.com/store/

flat-out awesome

flat-out awesome

Firefly Online

The orginal cast of Firefly is getting back together to make a new online game. Thoughts?

Birdemic



This is one of the best horror films I've ever seen. It closely parallels The Birds (1963), but adds its own unique thrills. I do not suggest sitting in a small chair because you need a fairly large edge to be on the edge of for this one. There is not a minute your eyes will not be glued to the screen. The acting is unparalleled for a movie of this budget and the directing choices remind me dearly of early Woody Allen works. I can't go with out mentioning the sounds of the movie. James Nguyen captures the essence of silence and shows a mastery of his unique scene to scene sound transitions. All in all, Birdemic is by far the best movie of 2010 and is definitely worth a couple watches.

•Disclaimer
Review only valid if viewer is intoxicated to the point of it most likely being a health hazard.

Richard Griffin's Flicks and Sarah Nicklin's Tits

Part 1

Way back in 2007, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's plan to create a double feature emulating trashy '70s B-movies was quite a novelty. Since then, the idea has become as far from a novelty as you can get. In the wake of Grindhouse, a fucking motherfuckton of exploitation homages have been jizzed on to the eyeballs of horror-loving audiences. Throwbacks are now about as original as found-footage flicks. Most of them are pre-packaged cult films, frustratingly filled with faux-seriousness and knowing winks-at-the-audience. Still, I quite like them because, unlike found-footage, they're actually entertaining. I'm the kinda guy who thinks tits, gore and rape are a lot more fun than night-vision handicam shots of doors moving slightly. Crazy, I know.

So next up on the chopping block is Richard Griffin's The Disco Exorcist, a movie I'd been absolutely dying to check out for ages, ever since I first laid eyes on the cool DVD cover earlier that afternoon. We're talking 3, maybe even 4 hours of anticipation. Did it live up to all the incredible things I hadn't heard about it? Let's find out!



Imagine if Saturday Night Fever was a splatter flick. Sounds cool, right? That's pretty much what you've got with The Disco Exorcist. Our hero is a fella named Rex Romanski. This is him -



Damn, those are some suave motherfuckin' threads. Naturally, looking that cool, Rex is a total pussy magnet who spends his nights loving and leaving all the ladies down at the local disco. The mayhem starts when he poons a voodoo priestess, only to then promptly ditch her for his favourite porn star Amoreena Jones. The spurned witch bitch unleashes demonic forces en masse onto the couple and everyone around them.

As throwbacks go, this one is pretty freakin' great. It avoids any faux-serious pratfalls by being a straight-up horror-comedy; not especially funny, but still a shitload of fun. The look of the film is a balance between authentic and exagerrated, filled with gaudy colours and general '70s stylings. Best of all, Richard Griffin does the one thing that Grindhouse totally failed at - he fills his movie with lots and lots of tits.

Right from the off, there's tits before the opening credits -



There's tits during the opening credits -



The evil chick is kind enough to give us a gander at her tits -



There's even some male tits for all the women and pillow-biters out there -



Basically the only chick who doesn't show tits is the headliner, Sarah Nicklin. Instead we get shots like this -



Or this -



Most annoying, I'm sure you'll agree, and doubly so because she plays a fucking porn star. Admittedly, my short-term memory ain't the best nowadays and it's been around 17 minutes since I watched any porn, but I seem to recall that the actresses involved in such productions usually get their tits out.

I couldn't help but wonder: Who's to blame for this tit-covering travesty? Does Sarah Nicklin simply not want to bare her tits for the world to see? Or was it a deliberate directorial decision, echoing low-budget productions of the past where tits would appear in abundance, but the main starlet would remain clothed?

There's only one surefire way to fucking solve this cunt of a conundrum. I need to watch another Richard Griffin flick...


Part 2: The Retitsening

This is a sequel review to the review you just finished reading. Kinda like what Aliens is to Alien - faster-paced and more action-packed. It blows the first review out of the goddamn airlock. State of the badass art. And you, you little shithead, you're staying here. You always were an asshole, Gorman.

But mostly it's just pictures of tits. Mostly.



So there's Sarah Nicklin on the poster, looking all hot in a nun's getup. Surely she exposes her tits in this one, right? I'm not expecting her to be topless for the whole movie or anything. I'd be happy with just a 10-20 second shot of her with tits thrust straight at the camera, maybe with her sensually caressing them and uttering a line or two of dialogue about how she loves it when drunken, 30-something Aussie guys shower them with warm semen. I don't think that's asking for too much.

So, Nun of That is about a supertroupe of highly trained, vigilante nuns who kick ass for the Lord and gun down drug dealers and murderers. Blah blah, blah, plot stuff, etc. Let's cut to the tits.

Whilst it has nowhere near the level of tits as The Disco Exorcist, there's still a few nice pairs on display. Sarah Nicklin's is not among them. I don't understand it. Does she hate me? Here she is in a shower scene, not showing her tits -



Debbie Rochon has a small role in the film, but she also doesn't show her tits. She just wears a nun's habit, which is fairly hot, but not as hot as her tits. Here's her tits as seen in a different movie -



What the hell, I love the Rochons, so let's have another look at them -



Linnea Quigley and Brinke Stevens aren't in this movie at all. Ya' think that's gonna stop me from showing a piccie of those 2 sultry vixens and their awesome tits? Not a chance. Here you go -



You know who else has really great tits? This chick from the 2007 movie Brain Dead -



I haven't seen that one, but shit on my chest and call me Stinktits if that isn't one of the greatest racks you've ever seen.

Okay, where was I? No idea. Guess I should wrap this up.

In summary, The Disco Exorcist is the bomb; a near-perfect mixture of cheese and sleaze that's guaranteed to satisfy unless you're one of those fuckwits who cares about fancy production values. Check it out. I hate to be too forceful with my recommendations, but if you don't watch this then I'll skullfuck your mother, film it and put the tape on youtube, understand? No pressure. Nun of That is not as essential, but it's a fun enough time if you've got a spare 90 minutes to kill.

As for Sarah Nicklin? She's my latest mission. The world needs to know that it is not acceptable for a woman to star in an exploitation movie without flashing her tits. I'll scour every inch of this globe, leaving no stone unturned, until I find a picture of her tits. She makes the slightest nip-slip, then I'll be there to capture it on camera. I don't care if she's standing topless next to the prophet Mohammed, I'll take that photo and publish it here. I'll gladly risk jihad in the name of trash. If anyone reading this knows Sarah Nicklin's tits, then you tell 'em I'm coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear? HELL'S COMING WITH ME!!!

This is AlcoholicNinja reporting for Trash Epics. Until next time... You stay trashy, folks.