I'm buying a house/house hunting.

It is such a pain in the fucking ass.

At least I can have a room designated to horror memoriabilia. Right now I have rolled up posters in tubes and stacks of VHS a closet in my current apt.

Any of you guys home owners?

#taintyballs

Jess Franco's Cannibalsploitation Abomination



Recently, I wrote a piece on Cannibal Ferox, comparing it to the slightly more popular Cannibal Holocaust, and asking the question "Coke or Pepsi?" https://trashepics.com/post/9/98/. In other words, which is number one and which is number two. The jury is still out on that one, I guess. But I'm here today because I'm not quite finished talking about these types of movies. There's actually a lot more to know than what is found in Ferox and Holocaust. There were many before and after. Most of which were directed by Italians. Most, but not all. These Non-Italian black sheep can be spotted pretty easily, as they're lacking that special something that comforts one in need of such a film. They usually lack style, and have very different scores. Plus, the gore usually sucks.

I don't want to scare anyone off, but it just so happens that Jess Franco once or twice tried his hand at making one of these. Today, we're going to talk about one of them. White Cannibal Queen, it's called. Also known as Mondo Cannibale. I'd like to discuss this trash epic, as well as where it might fit on the soda list.

I'm just going to say it. Jess Franco really fucked up! A statement that could easily cover 2/3 of his 40 plus year career. A filmmaker responsible for some truly unique and beautiful gems here and there, but considering the man seemingly made around 12,000 movies, you just know there's going to be a lot of turkeys in there. But occasionally, the man struck gold. This is not one of those occasions. Seriously. Franco really fucked up, here! But with that said, this isn't the typical Franco badness. Franco badness normally includes lots and lots of boredom. Not so much with White Cannibal Queen was actually hilarious. Jess Franco managed to create a successful Cannibal parody right in the middle of the cannibal boom. Probably not the intention, but there's really no other way to look at it if you want to enjoy it.

I'm pretty sure they snuck in a couple white people to play cannibal savages. They have tans, but fuck a goddamn duck! This was only 1980. You'd think a shortcoming so avoidable wouldn't show up in one of these until around 1988. But again. Non-Italian. Alright, then. On with the story. Here, we got a family out near the Brazilian Jungle in an isolated hospital. The action wastes no time in getting started, as the wife is eaten, the husband's arm gets severed, and their daughter, kidnapped. All by a tribe of some very queer looking cannibals who look more like witch doctors, actually. And they seem cleaner and slightly more civilized than the one's we're used to. Some of them even speak English. Yes, English. Ten years later, we catch up with a bearded, one-armed Jeremy Taylor, who has been scarred by memories and tormented by nightmares, but is determined to go back to where it all started, to finally bring his daughter home. Only Lina Romay believes his story and is willing to help. As the two tag along on a Safari, we discover Jeremy's daughter has been made into the cannibal's own Queen. Brainwashed and everything. This complicates things. But not half as much as the inevitable bloodbath we have before us.

Strangely, this story has far more depth than most of these films. The shortcomings are plentiful, but if you're looking for something so terrible, it's incredible, and not the impalings and castrations many of us are so fond of, then, you very well might find some appreciation for this otherwise dreadful attempt at cashing in on the Cannibal craze. And that's where this all begins and ends. In some Franco films, the heart, the soul, the very essence of the man can be found. Films like A Virgin Among The Living Dead and Vampyros Lesbos. These films ARE Jess Franco. However, he was also very much a director-for-hire, at times. That's where half assed garbage like White Cannibal Queen comes in. Franco had no business making one of these, and he probably knew it. But money is money. Looking for more reasons to like such a film? Well, there's always the eternally 10/10 Lina Romay, adding that much needed hotness and class.

So, where exactly does White Cannibal Queen fit on the Soda list? I've given this a lot thought, as many things must be considered. As we already know, White Cannibal Queen isn't that great. Unconventional at best. Unnecessary might be another word to describe it. However, when it's all said and done, it very much serves its purpose. White Cannibal Queen is all but forgotten, and will forever remain underappreciated for what it brought to the table. The answer is obvious. White Cannibal Queen is Jolt Cola! 5/10



#Review

Why is there no reply button anywhere?

It makes it pretty difficult to reply to people. I swear this is the most difficult website I have ever seen.

FAVORITES!!!

Fave Band: Converge
Fave Movie: Taxi Driver
Fave Horror: Dead & Buried followed by The Thing followed by Dawn of the Dead followed by..
Fave Pet, I have two cats, sometimes Mr. Burger is an asshole, so the smaller cat, Bella is my fave.

#Ballsandwich

Yakko is in the house

My first post, just to let everyone know I'm here.

Folk lore Horror

I love folk lore horror, Blood on Satan's Claw,Witchfinder General,The VVitch are all great, The Village had elements to it. Do you guys have any rec's?

#ballsandwich

Ex Machina (2015)

I recently watched this for the October Challenge, not realising it wasn't a horror movie. My own stupid fault of course, I went in blind, I should have at least checked the tags on imdb, but the dvd box was cheap and it had quotes on it like "Tense, thought provoking thriller" and said it was from the makers of Sunshine and 28 Days Later, so I thought, why not!
Well it's not a horror movie, so don't check it out for the challenge. But it's actually a damn good one. And even though it's not horror, it's pretty damn chilling in parts too.

A man is invited to a private estate of a billionaire to work for him. But once he's there, things get a bit strange. I really don't want to give away much here. I've said this before many times, it really is best going in blind. This is a sci-fi movie, a psychological drama/thriller starring Oscar Isaac, Domhnall Gleeson and Alicia Vikander. What I will say, is this movie draws you in. I'm not much of a sci-fi fan, but this movie had a way of intriguing me. A big part of this, was Oscar Isaac and his creepy yet entertaining performance. Vikander also had a sweet yet sinister presence. The only weak link was good ole Gleeson, but then again, I recognised him from Harry Potter so I may not have given him the chance he deserved.

The way this movie unfolded was pretty unsettling. Even though this wasn't a horror movie, there was always something just not right with the events depicted in the movie. The actors do a good job conveying this, but the music also helped in setting the tone, as did the isolated location.

Anyway, horror fans who like psychological horrors and social commentary on voyeurism and the effects of technology will probably get a kick out of this movie. I know I did. I will say this. The ending is heavy man. Like REALLY heavy. Damn!

This movie isn't ground breaking, but it's very entertaining. 8/10 for me.

Anyone seen this? Thoughts/opinions? If yes, please watch spoilers for those who haven't seen it.

Cheech and Chong

Cheech and Chong are legends of marijuana cinema. They worked together prominently throughout the 70s and 80s, releasing several highly-rewatchable comedy classics from 1978 to 1983.

The films are wild, comedic gold, featuring recurring guest appearances by Michael Winslow, Pee-Wee Herman, and Stacy Keach, among others.

The Corsican Brothers (1984) is omitted because it sucks so bad.

Which film is your favorite?

If YOU were a filmmaker...

What movie would you make?

Personally, I'm too poor and anti-social to assemble a film crew and make anything, but I've written several screenplays over the years. My ideal project would be an ongoing series of Universal Monster rip-offs merged with several slasher films. I fuckin' love Universal Monster movies, as I'd watched them a lot when I was old enough to work and buy dvds. In 2004, I was 16 years old. Old enough to get a job, and I could actually afford to buy shit for myself. I went straight to dvds, and Universal was releasing some awesome Legacy collections of the classic 30s and 40s monster movies. I was hooked.

I've also been obsessed with 70s and 80s slashers since I was 8, when Scream of all movies introduced me to them. I'm talking Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and The Terminator. These were the definitive horror films to me. I still love these redundant slasher icons, and could watch them anytime.

I've often dissected these films over and over in my head, trying to define them, and figure out why they stuck with me so much. Maybe it's just nostalgia, but there's no doubt they've been hugely influential on me and my aimless little life. I've always felt that if I were to make movies, these would be the movies to inspire me the most. Not limited to just slashers, I've always been big into Evil Dead too, just because it's such a gory creepfest, I'd feel wrong leaving it out of the mix.

There's so much crazy mythology behind these films that I wanted to exploit, because in this day and age, nothing is original. Why not make something inspired by these iconic horror films? Add some southern white trash and a lot of marijuana into the mix, and NOW we're talking!

I've outlined several monster movie slasher hybrids over the years, and there's always the faint hope of making these a reality that keeps me going. I could ramble on about my ideas, but I'd rather listen to some of yours.

If you could make a single movie, or several movies... what would they be? Have you ever written any screenplays? As usual, feel free to ramble on, cuz that's what this place is about!

Tromafreak's Worst Nightmare & Terrible Things



Back in Fall of 2004, I spent an entire Saturday afternoon, and part of the night drinking large amounts of cheap vodka out amongst nature with my then best friend, Jeremy. Jeremy was a real good guy. A true friend. He never would have done anything to fuck me over, or ruin my buzz in any way. Atleast not on purpose. so, eventually, the time comes to call it a night. I ride with him on the way back to my house. Once we get there, it's obvious to the both of us that he's way too drunk to be driving all the way out to his place. Hell, he barely made it to my house. So, of course he can stay over to sleep it off. after all, what are friends for?

We go to my room, and chill on the couch, getting stoned & watching Terror Firmer. it doesn't take long for Mr. Lightweight to pass out on the couch. Looking back, I should have got his ass up immediately and made him go sleep on the couch in the den, but whatever, I thought. He looks comfortable. I don't mind if he sleeps in here. So, I just get myself a little higher, turn off Terror Firmer, and stumble on over to my bed and go right to sleep without a care in the world. And then IT happened!!

After about an hour of sleeping, I am awakened to the sound of wretching. I had left the tv on, so, I could kinda see across the room, but not incredibly well. It looked to me like Jeremy was vomiting. And he damn well was, too. But what is that he's vomiting in? It looks like my trash can. it must be. What else could it be? I woulda asked, but he passed back out soon thereafter. I'm in no condition to really care, anyway, so, I lay down and go back to sleep. Actually, I drifted in and out for probably another hour, give or take. At a point, I notice that my trash can is closer to my side of the room. So, I was mistaken. Jeremy was not vomiting in my trash can after all. That's Good... But then again, he WAS vomiting! I seen it!

So, what the hell was he vomiting in, then? And then it hit me! Almost my entire B-movie collection, which then consisted of about 40 or 50 vhs tapes, was sitting in a big box, right over there beside the couch. Unacceptable! No fucking way, I thought! There's just no way that could ever happen. I was in no shape to face such a cruel reality.

So, I didn't. I just laid there on my side, starring at this box across the room, trying like hell to either convince myself that it wasn't the same box that I had at first thought, or maybe he didn't really do what I saw him do. It had to be one or the other. The third option was too horrifying. My mind would simply not go there. I'm now in the middle of the biggest case of denial I've ever conjured up in my life.

So, after about another hour of doing that, I work up the guts to get back up, and make that long stagger across the room to see once and for all if my beloved B-movie collection is in fact covered in vodka, stomach acid, and half-digested pink hotdogs. And I'm still trashed enough to be rather confident that there's actually nothing to worry about. So, I don't even turn the light on. I just take one finger and touch one vhs cover in the open box to hopefully feel that it's totally dry, which would've been good enough for me. What I felt on my finger was cold, sticky, disgusting reality. My thick layer of denial had once and for all been shattered into a million pieces. Which was about the moment I smelled one of the worst smells I've ever smelled in my goddamned life. I then run out of my room and into the bathroom to vomit, and of course to wash my finger.

So, at this point, I'm basically having my first ever drunken panic attack. I go back in my room and turn the light on and just stand there, unable to move, starring a hole through this passed out sonofabitch. I was sort of in a trance. A rage-trance, if you will. I'm about a second away from waking my now former best friend up by kicking him in the stomach. I honestly came very close to doing that. I'm Glad I didn't because after I called out his name to wake him up, he informed me that he suspected alcohol poisoning, and that he really had no idea what he had done. He really thought it was a trash can. Which was totally believeable considering how much he had drank.

So, on top of everything else, I now feel like I can't get too terribly pissed about this tragic turn of events because this guy is in a great deal of pain. So, who the hell can I be mad at? I do need him to atleast try to clean my beloved tapes. So, I just calmly explain what had happened a couple hours ago, and while he seemed very sorry, there was just no way he was in any condition to do anything about this. And really, neither was I. Being in the same room with that smell was awful. I just wanted to go pass out so I could forget I was ever born. So, I picked up the box, carried it to the garage. Ran back to my room and went right to sleep. because all I wanted was to stop knowing about this for a while.

After however many hours of sleep, I get my hungover pal up bright and not-so early. It's time to start cleaning. So, we cleaned the damn things best we could. That's right. I actually helped the dickless cunt. I hadn't actually looked at the damage that had been caused until this point. As you can imagine, alot of the covers were unsalvageable. But even 12 years later, some of the tapes still have puke stains on them. And to my surprise, only 3 tapes were unplayable. Basket Case, Dawn Of The Dead, and The Town That Dreaded Sundown, Which I still haven't gotten around to replacing, by the way. Being the fair man that he was, my buddy would replace the 3 movies with 3 more the following weekend when we went out to the flea market. So, atleast there's that. Werewolves On Wheels, Class Reunion Massacre, and Blood Freak was what I would end up choosing. And finally, I felt better about the situation, as we had one helluva stoned triple-feature that afternoon/evening. Almost making up for the mental anguish he had caused... Almost!

Moral of the story: If you value your movie collection, regardless of what format, don't be an idiot. put them on shelves, for fuck's sake!

And the film adaptation, starring and directed by Box_a_Hair.