CaptainSplatter

I took a lot of Sudafed and drank a red bull before I went to see this movie. I was expecting it to be some stupid "evil creepy kid" movie. Then it turned out to be an actual good movie? Like WTF? I wanted some cheesy garbage, not this entertaining and effective slow burn thriller. I was so on edge, I felt like my heart was about to explode.

Very disappointing.

8/10

There is no MEAT! I'm your MEAT now!

Hello. My name is Captain Splatter, and I'm an addict. It's hard for me to talk about this because I know most people here don't really know me. They only see the side I show them, which is a bitter, crass, and obscene jackass always trying to make a joke out of everything. I'm also really attractive.

But I'm not proud of who I am. I do a lot of stupid shit because I want people to like me. They laugh at my jokes, but they never really take it home with them. They don't think about me after. Like I don't matter. Like I'm not even an afterthought, but just some annoying troll, online and off.

It's true, though. I'm annoying as shit. I can only be handled in small doses. If I saw someone spamming the kind of shit I spew on a daily basis, I'd want to beat their ass too. The truth is that I know I'm weird. I know I'm a pervert. I know I don't fit in, and it's because I'm simply too big of a dick. It's like I'm obviously incompatible with some people, but it doesn't stop me from trying to force my way into their circles. Deep and agressively.

I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. Like society has built a defense mechanism against outsiders like me, and no matter how hard I try to insert myself, I can't penetrate that thick and indominable barrier. I try to get in, but all I hear is "no," and "stop," and "get off of me."

I take a lot of pills just to get out of my own head, so I don't have to deal with being myself. My favorite is Xanax. Mix that with a 5-hour energy and I get real weird. But my favorite drug of all time is PUSSY. coughybean's tight-ass pussy has been driving me through the fucking roof. I've been thinking about it non-stop for about 5 days now, which is a level of focus that I have never achieved before. SlavicBabe's tits are also fantastic. And so is her ass. I hope she lets me splooj on them some day. Her ass or her tits. Preferably both. That would be awesome. But yeah, I'm definitely addicted to pussy. And asses.

You get turned on watching girls getting bowling pins shoved up their cooters enough that it makes you want to fuck random strangers on from the internet, and I need therapy?

I'll have you know that I'm only into normal women who don't have weird sexual fantasies and dirty fetishes. That's why I only fuck nuns.

That means she loved it, it totally happened, and she's into some morbid, disgusting shit. Good thing I trusted my instincts and avoided her like the plague. She seems like a deeply depraved individual.

I put Gold Bond powder in my ass crack because I had major jock itch. If I've never even played sports, then why did I get the itch, God? Why did I get the itch?!

Dude, don't get me started.

Alan is a retarded fat fuck, but this movie was FUN, with a capital F-U. The spiked bunk bed kill was amazing. I cheered when that annoying black chick died, and it's not because I'm racist. It's because she's fat, and I hate fat people. This is the kind of ridiculous shit I want from a slasher.

I once saw her bite the head off a live bat in a middle of a concert. Apparently, the bat owed her money, so she made an example out of it.

I'm afraid I can't do that because I have no idea what I even wrote. Based on the thread title, I can only assume that my journalistic integrity exposed a harsh truth that would have caused civil unrest. Or I was rambling on about someone's tight wet lady parts.

For a bunch of freedom fighters, you guys sure are full of shit. What happened to all this talk about no-censorship? Tell Meat he can suck a chode.

It looks like I'm not the only natural born storyteller around here. If anyone shows you a picture of an enormous shit claiming it's theirs, they're lying.

I was in the middle of watching Godfather when I find out my mom invited her sister over to the house. She's okay, but her child is a friggin weirdo. She coddles him way too much. He's almost four-years-old and he still watches and sings along to Bob the Builder. Talk about bad parenting. Grow the fuck up already!

So I'm at the scene where Luca Brasi is about to get strangled. I've been into some weird asphyxiation shit lately, so I'm already hard. I whip it out and am about to start beating off when the kid barges in my room. Don't worry, he doesn't see anything. But I know that fucker isn't about to leave anytime soon. He just stares at me for like half a minute straight, then at my cum-stained Britney Spears posters, then at my DVD collection. I can tell he's impressed because he won't stop saying wow at everything and tells me all my cannibal flicks are cool. I KNOW THEY'RE COOL. THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT THEM. So then he pulls out my Weekend at Bernie's DVD, gets his grubby fingerprints all over the case, then puts it back in the wrong place. I swear, I wanted to slap this kid back to the stone age.

Meanwhile, that fat fuck gets choked out and has the stupidest look on his face, but I've got no choice but to ignore my hardon so I don't scar the kid for life. I zip up and storm out of the room so I can tell my aunt that her son is devious delinquent, but I don't want her to see me with an erection or she might think it's for her and try to hug me so it presses up against her. So I opt for plan B instead. I figure the brat has some ADHD meds somewhere, so I look in his mom's purse, find some adderall, and take a few. Then I chug half a bottle of cough syrup and head out to the Java Hole because there's this cute little faggot there sometimes and I can tell he wants me to fuck him in the ass.

I'm not gay though. I hate faggots. But I heard about that glory hole all over town and figure I can spike this guy's coffee with laxatives and wait for him in the next stall.

Only problem is the guy never comes in that day. So there I am waiting in a disgusting bathroom stall for this homo so I can stick my dick in his mouth, but he totally never shows. I'm starting to feel nauseous because the whole place is starting to smell like Meat's sweaty asshole. I call Steve, but he doesn't answer. I'm ready to give up, but I can't figure out how to open the door because I've been tripping balls for a good 45 minutes. Then the buzz wears off and I figure out how the locking mechanism works. Apparently, you just turn it. So I turn it, counter-clockwise mind you, and the door opens. It was INSANE.

I did leave a gigantic shit in the toilet though. I didn't flush it in case others wanted to check it out. This thing had to have been at least a foot long. It was the craziest fucking day I've had in a long time.