Frozen Flesh (2008)

Nothing can prepare you for the shocking experience of FROZEN FLESH - the most explicitly gory, shocking, bloody, and controversial movie ever made!

That right there, that's the tagline for this piece of shit movie. Now I've been around controversial cinema long enough to know that many movies make this claim far too easily, yet at least most of them actually attempt to be somewhat extreme and disturbing. But director Justin French has something far more terrible planned for us and as a result, has without a doubt, created the most godawful, infuriating, worthless piece of cinema I have ever had the bad luck of viewing. I just couldn't believe how atrocious this pathetic excuse of a cumstain this movie is. A movie so awful I wouldn't wish my worst enemies on it, but I'll do the next best thing, and that's describe just how terrible it is.



Okay, I'll admit, the first 15 seconds aren't bad. With a black background, the words FROZEN FLESH CINEMA appear, all the while, ominous and unsettling music plays as score. The next words to appear is '˜directed by Justin (get fucked!) French before FROZEN FLESH appears on the screen. By now the music, which started out cool, is now repetitive and annoying. Hopefully the credits will end but they don't. Nope! They goe on! We have some random dude starring as the Mass Murderer, original score composed by French, produced, written and directed by French, and again FROZEN FLESH! You would have thought the title only needed to appear once, but not old Frenchy. So, this whole sequence took 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Doesn't sound that long right, but considering I just rewrote the entire credits, I'd be surprised if any normal movies couldn't do the same in less than 20 seconds. Am not impressed so far, and you want to know the worst of it. The credits were the best thing this movie had to offer, wish I was joking. Get fucked!!!



So, our first scene. Tinted in red, the camera opens on what appears to be a candle in a sink? I'm actually not sure what it was, to be honest, i really couldn't give a stuff. Oh and goodie, we get to continue listening to the terrible score. By the way, I lied, it's not ominous, it's terrible, absolurely shithouse. This music will haunt my dreams therein after. So yeah, the candle. I bet you're expecting something to happen with it right? You'd be wrong. We watch this candle through one take for 2 and a half mins with nothing changing except the music going an octave higher and the candle eventually blowing out, and then we cut to a tap. So we watch the tap for a few mins. At one point, a finger comes into shot to touch the water coming from the tap. Cut to the drain. And we watch water going down the drain. But oh no! Blood starts pouring down the drain too! How ghastly, yet oddly exciting that something is finally happening! Oh cuntballs, the water is turned on harder and the hand cleans up all the blood. So there you have it, the first scene of the movie. 9 mins long! So not impressed....



Guess what we get to watch for the next 11 mins..water boiling! Oh you don't believe me, trust me, I wish I didn't believe me either, but no, I watched someone record themselves boiling water. Then I don't know, we watch them put some cream or something into a pot. We cut away and then see a hand on the stove! Okay, you might be thinking you might actually get something interesting now, but wait a minute and you'll be bored again. Pouring blood slowly on the hand...yep, then he starts putting powder or sand or something, I don't know. Frankly I don't care. I bored writing this review as much as I was watching the abortion! This is around the 30 min mark I guess and I'm already contemplating the worst possible things I could do to the director. A splintered broom handle might do the job....



Okay, so he's where I cheated. I watched the rest through fast forwarding. And you shall NOT judge me! If anything, I should get a reward for making it this far without fast forwarding!
So he poured water as well on the hand, I think the music changed slightly... and then a man with a stripped shirt and a balaclava appeared, just standing there looking like a douche....fast forwarding and nothing happening, he's still standing there. Oh no! He's got a knife!!!...... and he's stabbing something...without any blood. Oooh slow mo stabbing... has it been 15 mins already!.... fast forwarding..... I think that's about 16 mins we've watch this man stab something without any blood on the knife. And now he's just standing there with the knife. Now he's just standing there without one. Oh he's posed to stab again! Oh are you shitting me, it's extra slow mo! Fast forward, FAST FORWARD!!! I'm glad I did, it appears this goes on for half an hour. Annnnnnd cut to black, FROZEN FLESH.
Thank GOD! It's over! A Justin French Film! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!! GET FUCKED!!!



So, there you have it, Frozen Flesh, in it's 112 min running time! A movie so awful that my eye almost but melted out of my head! Very few movies result in shaza turning into a mini Hulk, but Frozen Flesh.... HULK SMASH!!!!



Can you believe people paid money to watch this! Can you believe Mr French actually trolls the Frozen Flesh board saying how awesome it is! This guy might just be the best troll on the internet. I don't care if this was meant to be a joke, Mr French, I'm coming to your house and kicking you very very hard in the balls!!!!

Get fucked/10!!!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1262128/reference

Please don't watch it here.



I'm gonna search the internet for cute videos of kittens to return me to my normal self. Raging shaza is not a pretty sight!



Ahhhh, that's better.

Dirty Cop No Donut (1999)



I've always found the micro-budget, yet better-than-they-should-be films of Tim Ritter to be highly entertaining. Killing Spree, for the lack of a better word, is a classic. And the Truth or Dare series seems to still be the underseen gems they've always been. And I suppose the same could be said for Tim Ritter's 1998 Shot-On-Video Mock/Shockumentary comedy, Dirty Cop No Donut. An outlandish, and mean-spirited spoof of the TV show, Cops. A movie that could have easily ended up average at best, stars Tim Ritter's buddy. The one and only. The legendary Joel D. Wynkoop. A B-movie actor that started out rather mediocre in films like Killing Spree and Wicked Games. But as he got fatter and fatter over the years, his entertainment value would grow along with his waistline. And by 1998, Mr. Wynkoop would finally be fat and hilarious enough to play this wonderful role.

Gus Kimble is not a nice man. Gus Kimble isn't even a decent man. Somehow, this guy ended up with a badge. Whether or not it's his isn't all that clear. But he also has a gun. so people have to listen to him, right? Damn right!! Officer Gus Kimble, aka Officer Friendly is not in a good mood tonight. Despite the fact that he's on a rather large amount of cocaine, he "found" after "busting" a drug dealer under some rather unorthodox methods. On this night, you might want to stay out of trouble, because Officer Friendly can, and will abuse his power whenever and however the hell he wants, because he's on a serious power trip, and is very much out of donuts!

Tonight, Officer Kimball is bringing along a camera man so he can, once and for all, show the world the dangers and difficulties of his chosen profession. Officer Kimball, above all, prides himself in being a good cop, which clearly means he never has to pay for donuts, or hookers, or drugs or any damn thing for that matter. Officer Kimball prefers to avoid all that boring paper work, too and would rather dish out any necessary punishment the old fashion way, like going ape shit on drunk drivers and destroying their cars, tearing apart pawn shops due to a coked out tantrum, or even breaking into the house of a rapist and forcing him to castrate himself at gunpoint, and taking a piss on him just for fun. Whatever it takes to keep the streets safe, I guess.

A real treat from an extremely underrated director. Dirty Cop, in my opinion, is Tim Ritter's unsung masterpiece. And I assume, doesn't share the cult status of something like Killing Spree due to the fact that not nearly enough people have seen/heard of this. And I've always found Joel Wynkoop's work to be good shit. But after witnessing this performance, I now automatically laugh whenever I see him in anything. Dirty Cop was truly the role he was born to play. The backwards horse shit that come out of this guy's mouth, You just wouldn't believe. Wynkoop's portrayal of "controlling fat man on a coked-out rampage" is priceless humor that must be seen to be believed. Wynkoop's violent outbursts and hypocritical rantings absolutely had me in stitches. Joel, with his limited acting abilities and all, threw himself into this role 100%, and it looks like he had a lot of fun doing it. You can find this on a Special Edition dvd from Sub Rosa with Dirty Cop 2 added on to make one, long, epic Cops episode from Hell! 10/10



#Review

Steel Panther's message to Kanye

For those living under a rock, Kanye West once again disrupted the Grammys (the most worthless award in the world, but still). And the coolest band in the world issued a response:



Awesome. And if you're wondering who the hell these guys are, then feast your eyes on the greatest music video ever made:

The Babadook (2014)

Yes I know, forget about the ridiculous title, here we have a new Australian chiller. Now I'm as a proud as any whenever Australia actually delivers a decent horror movie. I personally prefer the serial killers storyline, but unfortunately this is not that. No serial killers, no cannibals or torture. This is about a children's novel that comes to life. Sounds promising? It is. Does it deliver? Well....

https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oBnmPGyU7u0/UuflF5Z_KDI/AAAAAAAAE6Q/jo0-l-E0Vac/s1600/Babadookbook.bmp

So the plot is about Amelia, played by Essie Davis. Suffering from depressing after her husband passed away, she's alone in raising her very active child Samuel. Samuel is a rather needy kid who still see's monsters under his bed and needs to sleep with his mum every night. One night while reading to Samuel, Amelia comes across a book she's never seen before, The Babadook, a story about a horrifying monster. As you might guess, the Babadook becomes a reality for Amelia and Samuel, and they have to fight against it, or die in its grasp.



So, is this movie any good? From a technical standpoint, this movie is beautiful. Very well made, very well acted (by Davis), great productions, all that kinda stuff. This movie looks really good. But, and this is a big but, the movie falls short in a couple of areas. Firstly, the build up to seeing the Babadook. It goes on for a while. I'm not necessarily an impatient person, but the whole first half of this movie is incredibly repetitive. We see this woman is sad, we see she is sleep deprived, everyone around her is being unreasonable, her son is annoying and keeps talking about the Babadook, and repeat. This is the whole first half of the movie. I understand the writers are trying to get us to sympathise with our lead actress, but you only have to watch her for five minutes to want to give her a hug. Dragging it out for half the movie wasn't necessary, if anything it made me bored and really annoyed at her tantrum throwing kid. Seriously, this kid started randomly screaming in a car, and I thought my head was going to explode. So ANNOYING!

https://static.squarespace.com/static/51b3dc8ee4b051b96ceb10de/t/53ed13e6e4b0378e0b61cc34/1408046140690/nightmarish-new-trailer-for-the-babadook

Of course the second half is very different. By this point, Amelia has seen the Babadook and it's slowly affecting her sanity. This is when I started to really enjoy the movie. At this point, I wasn't even sure if the movie really was a supernatural flick, or just a metaphor for descending into madness, like Blackswan or Repulsion. I knew if the show went in this direction, I would adore this flick. There is even a nod to the movie Repulsion as Amelia sees glimpses of it while flicking through the channels.
At this point, things are tense and the movie feels like it's heading in a real depressing and dark ending. But the ending, oh it's such a missed opportunity. It's hard to explain why without giving away spoilers, but lets just say it's a cop out. If it really was taking the Repulsion route, the ending really wasn't realistic, at least in my opinion. And if it really was supernatural, well then it's just really fucking stupid. Not to mention pointless as there is absolutely NO motivation why the Babadook is even attacking her. It just randomly appears. Not very good storytelling.

All that said and done, this movie was pretty effective in being kinda scary. The Babadook was pretty freaky. Very good move keeping him in the shadows. Hell it almost made the slow build up at the beginning worth it. Almost.



There is one more thing I should say. If you're gonna watch this movie, watch it for Essie Davis. Her performance made the movie for me. Everyone else around her annoyed the hell out of me, but her performance was pretty emotional. But everyone else sucked, pretty much. Why everyone was so cold to this lady I'll never understand, it was obvious from the first five minutes that this chick needed help. Someone cut her some slack!

All in all, the movie wasn't bad, yeah it has a lot of flaws, but it was still a pretty damn entertaining movie, and freaky to boot. Not bad for something out of Oz. But a shame it ended as it did. For those of you who like supernatural flicks, or like that slow descent into madness theme, definitely check it out, you'll probably very much enjoy it. While I can't deny it's a very decent effort, it just falls short of the mark for me.

6/10


Thanks for reading. Thoughts/opinions?

Spider-Man

If you haven't heard yet, Spider-Man is now part of the Marvel cinematic universe. That is to say, he will now tie into the upcoming Avengers films. The Amazing Spider-Man series is out the window now, and a reboot is happening. Again.

Personally, I didn't mind the last Spider-Man movie, but it didn't do well according to Hollywood's bloated standards, so Sony is going in a different direction with it now. A direction that's sure to make at least a billion dollars. 😄

If you ask me, it's about time. Minds will be blown.

Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla(2013)



Meet Warren Thompson. He's an ice cream man that has an unhealthy obsession with a soap opera star Katey George. He spends his days scooping ice cream and cutting out pictures of his favorite soap opera actress. He is pretty much alone and even more so after he runs over his best friend Rodger the cat. But something wonderful happens his favorite actress Katey George starts visiting his ice cream truck or does she?

Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla is basically a dark comedy. It is very funny at times and then towards the end gets very dark. I don't know if they plan on doing a sequel, but I would love it if they did because the ending kind of left me wanting more. But still overall a really great movie. 9/10

#DarkComedy

Your Favorite Pair of Friday the 13ths

Go.

Across the River or Oltre il guado(2013)



Marco Contrada is a wildlife researcher working in the remote woods of Italy. His studies lead him to an abandoned village where he becomes trapped after a storm comes and floods him in. As Marco is waiting to be rescued, He soon figures out why this village is abandoned. The spirits of two little twin girls haunt this village and they like ripping things apart.

I'm going to say first that I'm not a huge fan of ghost movies because most ghost films don't scare me. The only one I think I have gave a 10 out of 10 is The Innocents. But Across the River scared me. I watched it last night before I went to bed and I almost hid under the cover. I don't usually get too scared anymore by horror movies. I will get a little scared, but not since I was little have I got this scared by a movie. The ghosts think Samara from The Ring only scarier in my opinion. And what Across the River does is it doesn't show the ghosts too much. By not showing the ghosts it makes it more creepy. And the movie also has an elderly man that used to live in the village telling part of the background of the little girls. I say part because he never tells everything which is probably a good thing because it leaves some mystery. But the scariest thing the old man says is that he saw the girls once when he was little 70 years ago and he has been scared ever since. Across the River atmosphere, sound, and overall build up is excellent. 10/10

Aja's 'HORNS' - Finally not a remake!

Alexandre Aja is a French director notorious for remakes. His list of remakes consists of High Tension (half remake of Intensity), The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors, and Piranha. That's pretty much his entire (widely available) filmography right there, but at least the guy's got style. He just didn't know how to use it until this dumb-sounding film came along...

Let's be honest, the premise does sound stupid: Harry potter grows horns after his girlfriend is murdered. Well it turns out this film is actually a goldmine of sentiment, bereavement, judgment, and entertainment. It's like Needful Things meets The Crow, but with snakes instead of crows, and Harry Potter instead of The Exorcist.

Aja finally strays away from remakes with this engaging and tragic coming of age tale of love after death. It's based off a novel, but it makes for one hell of a beautiful film, with a great cast, great performances, great soundtrack, and a great blend of several genres. Entertaining in many ways, but where were the boobies?

Gnome Alone

Centuries ago, a leprechaun falls in love with a witch, but like most women in movies with wealthy men, she was only after his money. Or enchanted gold in this case. I'm sure Kanye West could write a song about her. Anyway, she steals his gold and naturally the leprechaun is pissed. So pissed he has the witch marked for eternity with a mysterious tramp stamp. However, the Witch then has 2 lesbians rub each others boobs in a mud bath, which is actually a way of summoning a magical gnome to protect her and exact bloody murder on her enemies. Upon death, the curse passes on to a new victim and the gnome returns to kill those who have wronged her. Turns out it does more harm than good as the gnome has a warped sense of right and wrong.

I must admit that I went into Gnome Alone hoping for a killer garden gnome movie. I've been wanting a killer garden gnome movie ever since reading Goosebumps ''Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes'' as a kid (and twice more as a fully grown man with facial hair and moobs) and it continues to baffle me why they're never used in horror movies as the killers. They are so inherently creepy and a potential gold mine for critter features. However, Gnome Alone featured a gnome in the more traditional sense, but with more cat burglar inspired attire. If he wasn't destined to carry out the destiny of a witches curse then he could easily make a pretty steady living as a lowly career criminal. But the little guy is damn good at his current role in life and he seems to get job satisfaction out of it, so who am I to offer him career advice?

Verne Troyer plays the mischievous little guy, and he makes it his own. Most of the world will always see him as Mini-Me from Austin Powers, but here he brings life to a character that matches his personality and lets him delve into his acting range. Gnome Alone has franchise potential, and Verne deserves to be embraced as more than Dr. Evil's midget clone. He delivers his lines with gleefully twisted exuberance, making Gnome Alone a better movie than perhaps it has any right to be. The rest of the cast are entertaining and do their jobs well, but it's Verne who steals the show.

Campiness, corniness, sleaziness and raunchiness aside, Gnome Alone deserves some credit for it's production values. The movie opens with an animated sequence that gives it a mystical, fairytale-like quality, and going by the budget that this was made for it's very impressive. On top of that, the Gnome and Leprechaun both look menacing and creepy.

By now you should be aware of the audience that it's intended for, and if you feel you fall into that bracket then Gnome Alone is a movie you're bound to have a lot of fun watching. It's ridiculously charming and adorable. Let's hope they make a sequel versus the leprechaun.