To Hell and Back - Kane Hodder Documentary

Thoughts?

Dark Phoenix is a dim failure

The X-Men series has always been hit or miss. The first two films were pre-MCU hits that launched a few careers. Even if some of these movies suck... and they do it hard... Hugh Jackman was always bad-ass as Wolverine. The series finally started getting its shit together around 2014 with the epic "Days of Future Past", a mix between the old and failed X-verse with the new and popular First-Class-verse, and it worked. Exceedingly well.

Fox was finally learning from their mistakes, especially with Deadpool and it's hard-R rating. Of course, we were quickly followed by the underwhelming X-Men: Apocalypse, then the ultra awesome Logan, then the shitty Deadpool 2, then the trough of the shit-wave... X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX!



Notice how when Endgame came out, the whole world was in upheaval. The damn movie made a billion in its opening weekend, because it had a LOT of material to cover, a lot of characters to do right by, and a damn good story to tell in the meantime.

When Dark Phoenix came out... there was none of that. Nobody cared about this movie, like... ever. Even after the trailers, there was no hype. There's no good X-Men story to tell after Apocalypse. They should have left it as a trilogy. X1, X2, and X3... Origins Wolverine, The Wolverine, Logan... and First Class, Future Past, and Apocalypse. Even if Apocalypse was a subpar finale, it was still better than this turkey.


So if you haven't already guessed it, the timeline for X-Men is FUCKED. The continuity is riddled with errors, and this new movie just adds to them. I understand that the gimmick was to make the series range from 1962, 1974, 1983, 1992 (about every 10 years), but the 90s? Who needs 'em! Sure, that's when the X-Men was at its peak, what with the 90s animated series and all, but the actors haven't aged at all to make that little bit believable...

One thing that pisses me off is Jennifer Lawrence. Now, I've never liked this bitch, but when she started talking smack about the X-Men movies and how she didn't want to be in them anymore, I started to hate her even more. She just so happened to be in one of the WORST movies I have EVER seen (mother!), and she dares complain about X-Men? Now, the character of Mystique was always supposed to be partly evil, but in our Dark Phoenix movie, she's portrayed as a "good" X-woman, finally. They try to give her character a backbone, but it seems totally forced, and I'm glad as fuck when Jean fucking kills that stupid ho. Like seriously, Mystique is known for having regenerative abilities almost as much as Wolverine, yet a few impalements put a kink in those panties? Bitch, please. You could have survived that trauma, but you chose not to, because you're a cunt. Have you ever experienced those fake shivers that you tell yourself you wont get, but the music cues trick you into feeling all those feels? Well... her death meant NOTHING to me.


So anyway, this is Jean Grey's movie, and she's a pretty boring character, if I say so myself. She's ultra powerful as it is, but on a routine space mission to save the lives of some inept astronauts in the midst of a "solar flare", shit happens, and she's consumed by the "phoenix". Then, she gets overwhelmed by "the voices" of her parent's deceased animosity toward her, and shit figures it'll be good to turn completely evil. Then, we have Jessica Chastain as a completely generic and not even attractive supervillain to combat her.

God, even thinking about this movie, my brain turns to shit. There's no good story here, and there's nothing left to say in the X-Men universe. Fuck this movie, and fuck everyone involved in it... Except Michael Fassbender, who still puts forth a great effort, despite knowing in the back of his mind that this movie will be absolute shit. What a sour way to end a once great (albeit rocky) franchise.

X-Men's Dark Phoenix can suck my nuts. The real X-Men movies ended with "Logan" in 2017. Now, we can only hope that the MCU will breathe life into this dead franchise again, because it definitely deserves better than this.

Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

No this isn't a rant about Blue Velvet, although I do love the film. This is a rant about me finally feeling cohesion with the titular quote. Never in my life have I hated a beer; I've disliked the taste, cut myself on the can, thrown up because I drank too much too fast, throw up because I choked on it and thrown up because I just simply drank too much. Yet never and I mean literally never have I ever hated a beer... Until tonight.

It all started pretty normally. I had had a long day, fighting and ranting and getting into drama. I ate some pasta, drank a couple Body Armors and longed to shoot some zombies with my broskie and as usual I desired some brewskies for that. Alas I was out of beer, @Box had bought some malt liquor shit, but I really like a good solid imported beer. Luckily my wife was out picking up some diapers and trash bags, so I gave her a call and asked for some beer. I waited and waited, you know like you do anytime a woman is out getting 3 items from a store right down the road, but I digress.

Finally, she gets home. I turn to @Box with joy and say "hey man you want a beer? Then we can play some zombies with balls (I know its 'Ballz', but when I say it, I think 'balls')". Apace my smiles faded as I glance upon the 6-Pack on the floor. "Heineken 0.0" it says. I turn to my wife as my joy saunters into disbelief as I fight through waves of anger. It was alcoholic free, and the only Heineken sold at the Walgreens my wife went to. So here I am writing this rant. Sober and sipping on the only beer I've ever hated. So, I ask you next time you go to the store and fancy a nice beer; Heineken? FUCK THAT SHIT! Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Nightmare (1981) - Grainy Italian slasher

Like many Italian films of the time, this one begins in New York with some grizzly imagery of a mental patient's recurring nightmares about dismemberment and past trauma. However, George is making progress in his treatments at the institution, so he's given some leeway.

Of course, on his first night out, he prowls the streets of NY, and that can only lead him to one place: a sex shop/strip joint. Naturally, his issues are sexual in nature, and this can never end well to a man of this type.


I was watching a "restored" print, but it was still quite grainy. You could see the lines down the screen, the black spots, and the redness of the aged film. Normally, these are considered detrimental qualities for film, but not for this type of movie. 70s and 80s exploitation looks marvelous in this light, and so does that acryllic red blood they always used, and those close-ups of gratuitous gore.


This movie is bastard offspring of Halloween '78 and The Amityville Horror '79. After fleeing New York, our unstable antagonist finds himself in a coastal town in North Carolina, where he fixates on a family a single mother and her three kids. She's quite convincing as the irritable housewife who'd rather be banging this Chong looking guy who goes as far as telling her to "mellow out" after her son plays a sick prank.

This kid reminds me of Billy, the kid in the wraparound segment of Creepshow (which came out a year later). He's the creepy kid who cries wolf, and somehow, he becomes our protagonist. Hmm...

So not only does the Chong guy also resemble George Lutz of Amityville, but he's also banging these kids mom. Some of the babysitting plots are heavily inspired by Halloween, from the curtain shots, to the phone calls, to the entire climax. Someone telling you to "Get out" of the house? Check. The guy's doctor heading on a road trip to find this guy before he does any more damage? Check. Hell, the house even looks like the Myers in ways, and like in Halloween 2 (same year), they show the ambulances out front as they wheel out a body.

Now I know I'm pointing out a few parallels, but they're all regarding films that I like quite a bit. The film also has a lot of Maniac (1980) flare to it, with the psycho in New York, on the beach, fighting his compulsions to chop up attractive women, etc.

Like Amityville, this film is measured in days. It counts down the days, culminating in an interesting, albeit uninspired showdown in which the killer is incapacitated before any true suspense can unravel.

Nonetheless, this film has some good retro gore imagery and a delightful old school aesthetic. The narrative isn't strong, but the performances are adequate, and all the weird little things seem to work for this movie. In true Italian fashion, it even has a somewhat bizarre twist that I didn't see coming, nor do I fully comprehend.

Why didn't I watch this sooner?

Another Day in Paradise (1998)

I've been meaning to see more Larry Clark movies for a while, so I finally knocked this one off the list. In this one, James Woods takes a delinquent junkie under his wing, teaching him how to rob places and be a better bad guy.

It starts off in the urban city muck with petty crimes, like stealing change from the vending machines. Very quickly, this movie shows you it isn't fucking around when our scrawny protagonist gets the shit beat out of him by a disgruntled security guard. Shit got fucked, and quick.

We've got all the makings for a great movie here: drug addiction, lowlives, violence, and desperate decisions. James Woods plays a cool and collected con-man who eventually loses his cool and spazzes out. He's playing himself, basically. The main dude Bobby is tough-talking yet determined delinquent, and he's often overconfident in his abilities.

This movie is one of many ways to tell the same old story, but it's done well, and it's not afraid to get its hands dirty. It's like Trainspotting and SLC Punk, but unlike those, this one has Lou Diamond Phillips as flaming gay psycho.

Solid movie. Might watch another Larry Clark movie soon. This guy knows what I look for in a movie.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2012): A Weekend with Father Cummings

In 1977, a group of dumb, horny teens get murdered at a bible camp. In 1984, another group of dumb, horny teens arrive at the same camp for some more murder. The second group's led by Reggie Bannister though, so at least they have that going for them.

For some reason, Father Cummings (Reggie) thinks it would be a good idea for his church to buy the camp. He's warned about the camp's past at a convenience store, but this just annoys him. Continuing on to the camp, he has a weekend of bible stuff planned for the teens in between their confused attempts at getting laid.

The movie doesn't fail to live up to the "bloody bloody" part of its title. Most of the numerous murders feature blood, sometimes a ridiculous amount. The killer is memorable too, Sister Mary Chopper. She's dressed as a nun with a devil mask. It's a simple costume appropriate for the movie it's a part of.

If you're looking for something trashy to watch for the Camp Slasher Challenge, you could do worse than Bloody Bloody Bible Camp. It has a lot blood and bodies. It has humor, poking fun at itself, the slasher genre, and religion. And it has Reggie Bannister, in a bigger role than I expected him to have.

My Rating: 7/10

Jonah Hill takes us to the Mid90s

This is a bit of an unexpected venture from Jonah, but he did a really good job with it. I was a 90s kid and I used to skate, so I see a lot of truth to this movie. Our protagonist is Stevie, a 13-year-old in Los Angeles who lives with his mom and his older, volatile brother Ian. And when I say volatile, I mean it. The movie begins with him beating the hell out of Stevie for going into his room, pinning him down and punching him in the face. This dude is a dick, but Stevie still aspires to get into that room and see what a real man's interests are.

Now this kid was wearing Ren & Stimpy shirts, but he chooses to abandon his childish interests in favor of the skater life he sees in a group of skate-shop hooligans. To Stevie, these guys are the coolest. They can do dope tricks, they smoke, they drink, and they've got this scene all figured out.

Stevie tries to learn how to skateboard, but these things take time. He tries to seem cooler in the eyes of his friends, and the rest of the movie deals with this journey, as well as his rebellious phase toward his family. He doesn't like his brother anymore because he's a loner asshole, and his mom sleeps around a lot.

That's where the influence is cemented. In one particular scene, none other than Harmony Korine walks out of Stevie's mom's room. This movie has Harmony's DNA all over it, reminiscent of "Kids" in the way of having our lead characters aimlessly wandering the city life skating, drinking 40s, and getting in trouble.


When I used to skate, I wasn't good enough to use ramps and gaps and grind. I was a flat-land kind of guy, but I saw the good skaters, and they'd mesmerize me. I was on the outside looking in. I was a square, always wishing my life would be more interesting like it was for the cool kids, but the grass is always greener on the other side, and this movie covers that. It ain't all fun and games, and one of our characters has to sit down with Stevie to put things into perspective for him.

Mid90s is a coming of age story that nails the 90s atmosphere, emulating the skate video look at times, with its full screen aspect ratio and round lens skate footage. It's relatable nostalgia for all those 'member-berries out there, and if Jonah Hill makes more movies like this, I'll be interested.

Trash Alert the Game

So I'm not feeling super creative lately, but I recently developed a nice frame work for a Command and Conquer like RTS system. My struggle has been thinking of good factions and good unique units for those factions. So I figured why not ask the community!

My basic idea is Trash People vs Stellas. Essentially Stellas (Hollywood Disco types) have taken over the world and a collection group of Trash People are waging a war to fight and take back the world in the name of Trash. The two sides will each have a couple of sub-factions with each sub-faction having one or more specialty units specific to them. Any ideas are welcome.

Final Exam (1981) - A heydey slasher flick

1981 was a damn fine year for slasher movies. Everyone was trying to rip-off Friday the 13th, which was ripping off Halloween, and we ended up getting dozens of rip-offs of rip-offs until the genre died for a few years. It was slasher overkill, and that all piqued in 1981.

Our killer is as generic as it gets. He dresses like Jason from F13-3, but he doesn't wear a mask. He looks like some Sonny Landham type, only he sticks to the shadows, because his character is as generic as it gets. He's a Michael Myers rip-off in the sense that he prowls the shadows and uses a butcher knife. I'm not even sure he has a motive. I think they talk about some escaped lunatic, which is enormously original. He kills two people in the opening for no good reason, then proceeds to gets in a van, driving along until he comes across "March College" as it's named, and decides to kill people in this place for no good reason.

This school is no different from any other. We have Radish, the optimistic effeminate nerd who's confident in his abilities, and he has no worries on his final exams. This guy is a dork, but he's accepted in this society because he can help people with... the final exam.

There's another^a girl who's clearly set up to be the final girl, and we can take her or leave her. Her friend is the ditz in the red sweater, who's going out with Gary, the guy trying to get in the frat house by stealing the final exam questions, but he only manages to get hazed to a tree by the big dumb jock named Wildman.

Now this guy sucks. He's dumb as fuck brute who can't do his own tests and he gets outed in his criminal efforts. He hazes people, and drinks, gets himself filthy, and he's hot-headed. Suffice to say, whatever happens to Wildman is rather satisfying.

The big thing that stands out to me is one particular subplot of the movie... The school shooting. This wasn't a common thing back then, so it is rather original for its time, but it's quite funny to think that this movie's narrative wouldn't be acceptable in this day and age.

You know what happens, right? A van full of masked assailants pulls up to the school and sprays the crowd with automatic rifles. Some are hit, and their bodies are taken... because it's all a fraternity prank. 😐

What's particularly amusing about it is the aftermath, and how people react. A disgruntled sheriff is mad that someone wasted his time, and Radish has to explain to him that it seemed like genuine peril, but nah... sheriff is an irritable prick. Coach laughs it all off, even saying he thought the whole thing was kind of funny. Just like this movie. There's no real motive for the killings, and it's only loosely about any "final exam". That's what links the characters though. They're all still around to study for the final, or cheat, or make plans to screw their professors. You know... regular old college stuff.

It takes a while to get going, and it doesn't really know where it wants to go, either. Somehow, it's quite interesting to follow anyway, acting as mostly a regular story, with a few reminders throughout to tell you that the horror part is coming, because there's a lot bit in the middle without any action from our so aptly named "Killer". Even he doesn't know what's going on in this movie, and that's why he wants to kill everybody in it.

Somehow, it's actually quite decent. The structure consists mostly of the misadventures of our happy-go-lucky students as they strive to pass a final, sandwiched between a very uninspired slasher film. Not that I'm complaining. I don't look for too much logic in a slasher flick, and this one's lack of it is balanced nicely by the feeling that this movie is a little off. Like it has a screw loose, but it doesn't know whether to tighten it or loosen it more.

I would like an A.

John Connor is Dead!

Well, it ain't the first time, but it might be for real. The character of John Connor is said to only have a minimal appearance in the new film, and I think it's safe to assume that it's his "Dark Fate" that he doesn't make it too far after T2.

Basically, we only have Sarah in this movie, trying to protect John's successor. I read somewhere that another attempt was made shortly after T2, where some article said a machine was sent back to kill in him 1998. That might explain Arnold's involvement, if he was sent back as a protector and failed his mission, becoming some sort of recluse in the woods. Perhaps Sarah reprogrammed him, since she knew how to get to his CPU when they went to reset his read/write mode in T2, and she'll deem it necessary to bring him out of retirement to combat this new adversary.


So John is (probably) dead again. Just like in T3's future, where the T-850 had killed him on July 4th, 2032. Hell, he nearly died in T4 from getting stabbed in the damn heart. In all honesty, he should have died from that, but that movie had no idea what it was doing, or where it wanted to go.

I still prefer the un-used treatment for T4, in which Connor wasn't even in the movie except at the end, where he does die, only to get replaced by a re-skinned Marcus who takes up his mantle as savior of the human race. Bleak as fuck, and oh so ironic that humanity would be saved by a machine. Too bad they didn't use that idea, because the movie might have been good if producers didn't play it safe as they often do.

Then, of course... John does die in Genysis. He claims to be more than human, but he really doesn't know what he's doing in that movie, because he has ample opportunities to kill both Sarah AND Kyle, but then on his "dice roll", he decides to kill them. Not well thought out, if you ask me...

It's a bit strange that the most important character in the Terminator universe has been phased out, but I think the character's inconsistencies might have done that. After all, he was recast in EVERY movie. It's hard for fans to feel connected with someone who isn't consistent.