Cannibal Ferox: Coke Or Pepsi?



Italy has been very good to us Horror/Exploitation fans over the years. Perhaps more than any other country. If you want cheese, they got plenty, if you want gore, no problem. If you're in the mood for a genuinely scary masterpiece, there's more than enough to go around. This country offers a bottomless pit of Giallos, Women In Prison flicks, Zombie epics, and all sorts of cool, supernatural Horrors with tons of atmosphere. However, there's one sub genre that sticks out among the rest. The cannibal films, or jungle atrocities. Whatever you want to call them.

A type of film started by Umberto Lenzi, with 1972's The Man From Deep River. However, the film that really put these things on the map was Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, which is widely known as the most extreme of the bunch. But is it really the cream of the crop? Most seem to think so, but not everyone. Most people who don't, favor Lenzi's Cannibal Ferox more often than not. Both are great in different ways. Both undisputedly take up the number one and two spots. But there can be only one Coca-Cola. In my humble opinion, that would be Ferox.



Before going into why I favor this movie over the other one, let's talk about the story. first. We begin in New York City, witnessing an innocent man losing his life at the hands of gangsters. A senseless casualty, but far from the last. The gangsters were looking for the guy's dealer friend, who owes them a lot of money, but is currently M.I.A. We already get the idea that Mike is trouble. And we haven't even met him yet. Meanwhile, Gloria, her brother, Rudy, and their slutty friend, Pat, head out to the rainforest. Gloria is an Anthropologist who is writing a thesis on Cannibalism within ancient tribes. An attempt at disproving the theory. After several inconveniences and setbacks deep within the jungle, the trio run into Mike and his partner in crime, Joe, who have been hunting for Emeralds. Mike quickly reveals himself as a cokehead and a dick, while Joe happens to be badly wounded. Already, this doesn't look like it's going to end well.

Mike feeds them some story about how they were with a Portuguese guide who, for some reason, got on the bad side of a local tribe, and was tortured, castrated and killed right in front of them, while they somehow managed to get away by the skin of their teeth. Later on, Joe, in his last moments of life, reveals what really happened. Joe, being the sadistic, coke headed rascal that he is, went ape shit on their guide and did all the things he had pinned on the cannibals. Mike is a bad guy. The cannibals know this because they were forced to witness Mike's meltdown. And anyone they see with their enemy is of course guilty by association.

As Mike pushes it by murdering a young girl, the tribe is angered even further, and eventually captures Mike and his new "friends". I suppose trying to explain that they aren't actually with him is out of the question. Explanations won't do them any good out here. These primitives know nothing of trials, lawyers or fairness. But there is one thing they have an understanding of. That'd be Revenge! Guilty or not, everybody's fucked, now! Especially Mike. Rudy runs off and gets himself killed. Mike, castrated. He and the ladies are held captive to await their inevitable demise.



Oh, and some animals get slaughtered for absolutely no reason. This being something that almost every Cannibal atrocity includes. Why, I don't know. I've heard it was meant to be senseless entertainment. They got the senseless part right. I've never lost any sleep over it like some seem to, but I think we can all agree that was shitty.

Also known as Make Them Die Slowly, Cannibal Ferox was released the very next year after Cannibal Holocaust, gaining an equal amount of notoriety, and most likely offending an equal amount of movie goers. I do love both these films, but as I said, I tend to favor this one. Sure, it's not quite as disturbing, the score isn't quite as nice, and neither is the location. But that's all I'm seeing that Holocaust has over Ferox.

But what does Ferox really have over Holocaust? Well, for starters, it's more fun. I think it's more of a typically cheesy Italian Exploitation than it's counterpart. The dialogue is pretty stupid at times, which is good for a few laughs. We get to know the characters a little better. Characters who are far more likable. There's also this sense of dread which Holocaust fails to offer. Mike and the gang are held against their will for some time, forced to live the rest of their short lives in terror, picturing their own deaths over and over until it finally happens in a way more gruesome and painful than they could have imagined. In Cannibal Holocaust, it's just a bunch of assholes killing for no reason and eventually paying for it. Cannibal Ferox is certainly the less gruesome of the two movies, but all things considered, it still has my vote as the superior brand. 7/10


#Review

William Grefe's Christiansploitation Abomination



By the early 2000's, when the dvd revolution was in full swing, Something Weird Video jumped on this bandwagon like everyone else and released double feature after double feature, always loaded with extras. Exploitation films we never heard of were popping up left and right. "Sploitation" genres we never knew existed made their presence known. Something Weird brought them all back, introducing all kinds of unknown, unreleased and forgotten Drive-In trash epics to a new generation. As well as directors that may not have as long lasting of a legacy as a Herschell Gordon Lewis or an Ed Wood. Today. we're going to talk about a film directed by a guy named William Grefe', who directed films like Sting Of Death and Death Curse Of Tartu. In the early 70', This micro-budget Florida filmmaker also made a movie that can really only be described as Christiansploitation. Electric Shades Of Grey was filmed in 1971, yet, never actually released until Something Weird Video picked it up and retitled it. And 30 years later, this film finally found a home. This is The Psychedelic Priest.

What we have here is several things, really. A Christian drama, a drug movie, as well as an Easy Rider type deal for the pothead/hippie crowd of the times. We begin with Father John lecturing a group of stoners outside the school, too high on his horse to notice the drink he was just offered has been spiked with LSD. They seem like an okay bunch, so, lecture over. Father John's gonna take his questionable hair and step over there and go fucking crazy for a while! John has tunnel vision, he stares directly into the sun a bit, and then goes into his church which spooks him right into an entirely new life. We cut to John in his car, some time later. It's not clear if it's now the next day, the next week, or 20 minutes later. But Father John is no longer a Father. He's just john. Some pot smoking hippie on a road trip of self discovery. We get the idea he's not doing so great since his "experience".

John comes across a hitchhiker, a cute hippie chick named Sunny. They hit it off immediately. She's troubled as well, after several bad acid trips and a recent raping. John and Sunny ride around, getting high with people, helping a woman give birth, making friends with a black guy who ends up getting murdered by some racist cops. The usual 70's road trip hi jinx, I guess. It's extremely unclear as to how long they've now known each other, but things get complicated when Sunny develops feelings for John, and is practically told to piss off once her feelings are expressed.

After lecturing Sunny about shit that has nothing to do with her, John explains that it's just not a good time for all that, as the acid still has him too confused to go there. Early the next morning, Sunny cuts out while John's still asleep, too heartbroken and embarrassed to face him. When John awakens to realize he's now solo again, his road trip suddenly has a purpose: Find Sunny and tell her he's a fucking idiot! And now would definitely not be the time to descend into drug and alcohol addiction...

For such a bad movie with such one dimensional characters, and such a rushed story, The Psychedelic Priest does offer a surprising amount of depth and heart. However, my only complaint is that it could have used a couple extra scenes showing that time is actually passing. We're sort of left to assume how much time has passed at certain points. Who knows? Maybe it was intentional just to mess with the acid head half of the audience.

As for the Christian half, well, I don't see why there should be any complaints, as Religion is never shown in a negative light. It's just the story of a man who may or may not have decided his calling too early in life, who takes a breather from it all after an unfortunate first trip, to figure out what will truly make him happy. He finds love, he witnesses hatred and pain, and ends up experiencing a lot of both, himself. John reaches rock bottom, and only then does he finally grow enough to find himself. This may just be another dumb Exploitation flick. The portrayed impact a single psychedelic experience has on one's life is a good indication of that. As well as what comes off very much as improvised acting by a tiny cast who appeared in nothing else before or since. Yeah. A bad movie, but The Psychedelic Priest just might make you think. 6/10



#Review

House Of Dark Shadows: The Beginning Of The End


Once there was a tv show which everyone and their fuckin' grammy loved dearly. The kids raced home from school, the housewives took a 30 minute break. Not just for any show, but a Soap opera about a time-traveling Vampire. Enough said, right? Maybe, but this low-rated Soap, which began in 1966, quickly went from underrated to great to legendary over the next couple years after Jonathan Frid joined the cast, portraying tortured Vampire, Barnabas Collins. Dark Shadows had already flirted with the supernatural prior to this, but once this groundbreaking character made a splash, the volume was permanently turned up full blast on the supernatural elements. A tv show that once hung by a thread was now a household name. It wouldn't be long before talks between creator, Dan Curtis and MGM arose concerning a big screen version of the popular show. Many still believe this would be the beginning of the end for Dark Shadows.

Why this movie may have been a bad idea is a bit complicated. First and foremost, House Of Dark Shadows was unnecessary. I mean, it certainly wasn't for those who wanted to make money off the idea, but I mean from a fan standpoint. In theory, it may sound cool, but this is a 30 minute Soap we're talking about here. And a very slow moving one. It takes the better part of a year to complete a storyline. It takes months to establish a character and for that character to get the viewer emotionally invested. Plus, this show has a certain atmosphere and vibe that no film could ever do justice. But you can't blame them for trying.

One reason people loved the show was the rich, detailed history of the Collins family. How important they were. How prestigious it was to be a part of this family. All the history, secrets and legends. Far too much to squeeze into even a four hour film. What we get in House Of Dark Shadows is a condensed, Hammeresque version of a bunch of shit we've already seen. Not bad at all if you're unfamiliar. But if you are a fan, well, it's just okay.

I suppose it'll be simpler to explain the rushed movie version of the story as opposed to the tv version since there's so much less to say about it. But like I said, this is basically a recreation of the storyline which introduced Barnabas Collins. A storyline which portrayed him as the villain, but eventually giving him redemption due to huge ratings. However, the movie Barnabas doesn't exactly have a heart of gold underneath the bloodlust. That's the one thing that makes House Of Dark Shadows movie stand out.

As we begin our tour through memory lane, we notice Maggie Evans has replaced the Victoria Winters character as David Collins' governess, as she searches for him one night on the estate. We are thrown right into the middle of the story almost immediately as the recently fired handyman, Willie Loomis, has some business to take care of before taking off. He has reason to believe there are valuable jewels chained in a coffin in the Collins mausoleum. Whoever wrote that down is a first class dick, because when Willie breaks the chains and opens up the coffin, expecting all of his problems to be over, one huge problem reaches out and chokes him unconscious. As we would later find out, Willie is now under the control of a vampire.

At Collinwood, we find the original present day family from the show. Matriarch, Elizabeth, who is just kind of there. Her brother, Roger, who is the same uptight snob as his TV counterpart. And their kids, David and Carolyn. And for anyone not familiar with the show, no, they didn't have the kids together, although, that'd be pretty funny if they had. The collins family has a visitor. A man named Barnabas Collins, who claims to be a cousin from England. I guess there's no need to prove his relation since he looks exactly like an ancestor who happens to share the same name, who also happens to have a portrait hanging right down there. As we can already guess, there was ever only one Barnabas Collins. We don't get to find how it happened, but in 1797, Barnabas was made into a vampire, and later on, chained in a coffin so he could do no more harm.



Barnabas charms his descendants, and easily convinces Elizabeth to let him stay in the long abandoned old house on the estate, which was the original Collinwood that he grew up in. Fixing it up won't be a problem since Willie no longer has a will of his own. When Barnabas meets Maggie Evans, it's obsession at first site, as she is identical to his lost love, Josette. Something we don't know the importance of since this movie adds so little character development compared to the show. Barnabas also meets a doctor named Julia Hoffman who discovers his secret. Julia is confident she can cure his vampire "disease" with a series of injections, quickly gaining his trust. Barnabas has already killed and converted one member of the Collins family. So, this is risky, possibly stupid on Julia's part to associate with this monster. However, she feels it will be worth if she makes this medical breakthrough. However, Julia has a certain idea of how things are going to end up, and when this clashes with Barnabas' plans for him and Maggie, the hell that never broke loose on the show, is finally unleashed.

The good guy who would eventually emerge from TV Barnabas never shows up. Things start out similar enough, but at some point, takes a drastic turn, changing everything. And from the beginning, this story is designed to make us see Barnabas as the bad guy. Mainly, the exclusion of two characters. One being the ghost of Barnabas' little sister, Sarah, who's presence added a certain softness to his character. And then there's the witch, Angelique, who originally made him a vampire. No mention of either of them, giving us no choice but to see Barnabas Collins as the villain and nothing more.

This is a different Collinwood than what we're used to. Filmed in an actual house on an actual estate. It's not the worst movie-Collinwood they could have come up with, but it just wasn't Collinwood, as the "house" from the show is very much its own entity. The main character, in a way. It's all so unfamiliar, and clearly lacks that special something that we all know and love but can't fully explain. That feeling of isolation. That feeling that wind, thunder and Collinwood is all there is. It's not there. The characters say familiar lines, this time without error, but seemingly with less feeling.

There is a theory that House Of Dark Shadows indirectly led to the downfall of the show, which was insanely popular at one time, and still very popular on its dying day. First of all, more than half the cast had to be temporarily written out of the show in order to film this. And key players, obviously. Meanwhile, back at the real Collinwood, Dark Shadows drags and kills time while Quentin carries the show that is slowly losing steam. Once Jonathan Frid and the others returned, the writers just never came up with anything that got the ratings back up to their former glory. That, and later on, Jonathan Frid's refusal to go on playing Barnabas out of fear of being typecast, was enough to get one of the greatest shows of all time cancelled.

But after it was all over, Dan Curtis gathered up a few willing cast members and made one more movie https://trashepics.com/post/9/56/ which would close out the era of the original Dark Shadows. But the problems plaguing this one is another story in itself. There was to be a Dark Shadows movie trilogy, but the hassle that came with Night Of Dark Shadows proved to be too frustrating even for Dan Curtis, and the book was officially closed. Curtis would go on to write, produce and direct many successful movies and tv shows, but nothing ever as successful as the original Dark Shadows. Movie adaptations were never needed, but I'll admit, it's cool that they exist. And convenient for any potential Dark Shadows fans to go back and watch to get a better idea if the show is for them. Personally, I prefer the second movie to this one since it has a story we haven't seen, but I do have an appreciation for them both. As a huge fan of (ALMOST) all things Dark Shadows, it's hard not to. 6/10



#Review

Night Of Dark Shadows: End Of An Era



Film adaptations of TV shows rarely work. And vice versa. It's just two different worlds of mainstream entertainment which have their own separate formulas. But to attempt a big screen version of a soap opera, in my humble opinion, is usually a lost cause. Dan Curtis, creator of the popular gothic horror soap, Dark Shadows, attempted a film adaptation a year earlier, with House Of Dark Shadows. A retelling of the original storyline of Vampire, Barnabas Collins. The show's most popular character. A good movie. A great movie, some may say. But does it really do the show, and more specifically, that storyline, justice? Not really. It's too many episodes to cover, and to anyone who is familiar with the show, the movie should seem very rushed in comparison. Like I said. A good movie. But it's flaws are there, and they're obvious, but alot of them couldn't be helped. Fast forward a year later. Dark Shadows has been cancelled. But the movie was a hit. And I think we all know by now what happens any time a Horror film gains even a glimmer of popularity.

With the constant stress of the show no longer holding him back, Dan Curtis gathers up as many DS cast members he can and makes plans for yet another movie. Since the first one centered on Barnabas, it's only common sense that this new movie would revolve around the second most popular character, Quentin Collins. Although, Quentin's story would not be a recreation of anything. Merely a Dark Shadowsy story that might remind one of several of the show's storylines. I tend to think this was the right decision as it eliminates the possibility of the movie having to be molded after a series of events it couldn't possibly live up to.

Filmed in the same eerie old mansion as House. This was a fine choice for location, but it ain't Collinwood, but whatever. It isn't clear as to whether or not the events of the first movie actually happened from this movie's point-of-view, or if this is a stand alone story, but Collinwood is currently abandoned, which makes me think it is acknowledged. Quentin Collins, and his wife, Tracy, have inherited Collinwood and are on their way to Collinsport, Maine to collect and to live a life of luxury. And Quentin, being the painter, is looking forward to much inspiration amongst the beautifully dreary scenery. Before the couple is even settled in, the first glimpse of weirdness comes from the housekeeper. Or whatever she is. Just some person who takes care of stuff, I guess. Grayson Hall plays Carlotta Drake, who seems to know a bit much about this house, and is slightly too invested in how things go. Also, Quentin is being plagued by nightmares. Reliving memories that aren't his own. Or are they? Quentin is remembering things that happened to a man named Charles Collins, who lived at Collinwood over 150 years ago.

Charles was married to Laura Collins, but fooled around with his brother Gabriel's wife, Angelique. A witch. We witness the events which led to Angelique's hanging by a witch hunting Reverend, as well as Charles' own demise at the hands of his brother. The more Quentin has these dreams, the less he seems like Quentin. He becomes cold, distant and temperamental. He attacks and berates Tracy without provocation. We find out the ghost of Angelique is involved. She wants Quentin to be Charles, and she wants Tracy gone. This may not be the same Angelique from the show, but anyone familiar knows what Angelique wants, Angelique gets.

While Night Of Dark Shadows may not have the same problems as the first movie, that doesn't mean it doesn't have its own problems. One big problem that not only killed this movie, but the chances for a third one, is the fact that a whopping 45 minutes was ordered to be cut. Still an hour an a half long even with the missing scenes, the film was stripped of many conversations and situations which gave the film much more of a point. as well as the characters depth. Still eerie, haunting, atmosphereic and creepy, but something is clearly missing from this movie. Something about it is so empty, so lonely. As if it's in need of an extra main character. No. It's merely missing 45 minutes of story. That's all.

Still very much worthwhile for a Dark Shadows fan or a fan of stuff like Burnt Offerings. An absolutely gorgeous score by Robert Cobert, which is what really saves this one for me. As I said, there was to be a third Dark Shadows movie, but after dealing with the frustration of this one, and probably a growing boredom with the world of Dark Shadows in general, Dan Curtis decided to move on to non-Dark Shadowsy projects. As with the show, fans will always be forced ask the "what if" questions about this movie. That is, as long as the film in its entirety is without release. It's not perfect by any means, but for the time being, Dan Curtis' final chapter in the Dark Shadows story will have to do. 7/10



#Review

Mary Jane: A Drugsploitation Abomination



One thing is for sure. When you find yourself watching an anti-marijuana drama, and at some point, one of the characters tastes some pot after buying a batch just to see if it's the good shit or not, then, you know you've found something worth watching. A film called Mary Jane was made in the late 60's. A time when America was just starting to become less and less anti-marijuana, as well as less likely to fall for obvious bullshit. So, you can already tell Mary Jane never had a hell of a lot going for it. Today, this film might appeal to those of us who love a bad, cheesy movie, but such a film with so little self awareness had very little purpose when originally released. But having a soft spot for pointless and underseen little films like this, I just got to throw this out there. So, today, we're going to talk about Mary Jane.

First of all, Fabian is in it. Now, I'm not sure what this guy's deal was. I mean, he was in a lot of movies in the 60's, but it's unclear to me as to why he doesn't have a last name. Was he a massive star like Madonna or Prince? Considering Mary Jane is part of his filmography, I highly doubt it. But he seems okay. In Mary Jane, Fabian plays young teacher, Phil Blake. A nice guy who actually wants to be a friend to his students. Phil is an art teacher, as well as assistant coach for the football team. On this team, there are several members of a clique of potheads who regularly make trouble. This gang of would be-delinquents is headed by preppy little cocksucker, Jordan Bates, who is very much aware of how much the coach needs him and his burned out pals, and regularly takes advantage of the favortism the coach is forced to show them. However, Jordan and his gang get no favortism from Phil Blake.

Several things are happening in this film which are all intertwined. First, Lonely Jerry, who recently struck up a friendship with Mr. Blake, wants in Jordan's pothead club more than anything in the world, because he feels like he doesn't fit in anywhere else. Well, Jordan and pals aren't interested in depressed fags, and at first, they tell the kid to shove off. But after discussing it further, they decide to jerk him around for a while, and make him think he has a shot. Making him go through all sorts of "initiations". One member thinks "That would be a ball". I couldn't have said it better myself.

Secondly, Mr. Blake has his eye on a fellow teacher. A pretty little blonde by the name of Elli Holden. A nice enough woman. She's polite to him, and agrees to hang out. They sort of go out on a day-date. Well, actually, he accompanies her to go visit her dad in a nursing home. She even makes him wait outside. Despite no signals being sent by Elli, Mr. Blake still decides to go for it and makes his move. Not only is he shot down, but Elli is visibly upset, and this pretty much ended the so-called date. As far as we can see, Elli Holden is merely an ice queen. Either way, Mr. Blake's attention would be better served elsewhere.

Which brings us to the main storyline. The pot has become a big problem in this town, and mainly, with the teenagers at this particular highschool. Their abuse and all around irresponsible behavior is getting out of hand. One girl recently died in a pot-induced car accident, and nobody knows who is supplying this drug that is causing all this trouble. Us viewers knows it's that rotten little sonofabitch, Jordan Bates, but he's got everyone else fooled. Meanwhile, the faculty holds a meeting to figure things out. Teachers are pressured by the police chief to spy on students in order to find out where they're getting their stash from, but Phil Blake speaks out against this method and lives to regret it, as everyone now thinks he's a raging pot addict who is possibly behind all of this.

As far as silly, anti-pot movies go, this one is actually pretty reasonable in the end. Focusing not so much on the evils of pot, but the fact that teenagers are abusing it and fucking up. Everyone but Phil Blake acts like they're all smoking meth. He admits to the faculty that he smoked it once in college but has no interest in doing it again, but he's immediately made a pariah by the police chief, while nobody has his back out of fear of receiving the same treatment. It seems as if this movie has a deeper message than just the anti-pot thing. It's better to think for yourself and be an individual than a follower and a coward. Be happy with yourself and always do what you feel is right no matter how it makes you look.

Also, I should mention that Jordan's sweet-natured girlfriend, Susan, was played by none other than Patty McCormick. Better known as Rhoda from The Bad Seed. One of my all time favorite Horror movies. She grew up to be a pretty cute chick, I must say. The legendary Terri Garr also graces us with her presence in this, playing a minor role as one of Jordan's followers. Everyone is pretty great in their roles. Especially Fabian as the laid back teacher with integrity who genuinely wants to make a positive difference in young lives. And as I said, This is a very out of place anti-drug movie, and the fact that it never gained an audience is not surprising. But much like it's main character, Mary Jane at least seems to have meant well. 6/10



#Review

The Strange Vengeance Of Rosalie (1972)



Budget isn't everything. It's often an important factor in a movie's success, and vital to obtain some amount of respect as an actual movie in the minds of most. But in some cases, a lack of budget just isn't that big of a deal, as the story is so dominant over all other aspects. At that point, it comes down to adding stuff just for the sake of adding stuff. Today, we're going to talk about one of those movies that has such a compelling storyline, that one may not even notice that they're watching a movie that looks as if it cost about 15 bucks to make. Today, we're going to talk about The Strange Vengeance Of Rosalie. Micro-budget filmmaking at its finest.

I really dig desert movies. That's where this movie takes place. Actually, the New Mexico Desert is where it takes place. However, the Spanish desert is where it was filmed. Just throwing out this unusual fact which I feel adds to the movie's mystique. So, Rosalie is supposed to be about 16 or 17, I'm guessing. No parents, grandpa just kicked the bucket. Rosalie is all alone, piss poor, uneducated and stuck in this desert shack with a bunch of chickens, which seems to be the only place she's ever seen. Rosalie doesn't have much going for her, these days. But she does have enough sense to realize she'd be a lot better off with a man. So, tricking one into coming out there and forcing him to stay forever seems to be where her head is at. And a messed up head, it is. Rosalie has some problems. One of which being that she doesn't seem to get the concept of right and wrong. She wants what she wants, and what she wants is the only right she knows. Rosalie is not so much selfish as she's just plain primitive.

So, this guy, Virgil, passing through a New Mexico highway, on his way to a much needed Hawaiian vacation, makes his first mistake. Virgil picks up a hitchhiker. A harmless looking teenager named Rosalie, who is using a potato sack for a dress. Rosalie claims she's from Chicago, visiting her grandpa who lives way out in the desert. She manages to guilt trip the good natured Virgil into taking her the entire way, but once they get there, no grandpa. Just s shack in the middle of pitch black nowhere. Virgil figures it's ok to take off since Rosalie is confident that grandpa will return shortly, but she seriously does not want him to leave. Serious enough to poke out one of his tires, pretty much blowing Virgil's chances of making his flight. Virgil sleeps in his car that night with the intention of deciding what to do the next morning. He doesn't get to decide shit, however, because Rosalie breaks his leg once he gets out of line. Rosalie is also a bit of a psycho.

Not a full fledged psycho, really. She's pretty pleasant as long as she always gets what she wants and is never annoyed. She seems to have enough good in her for Virgil to be able to convince her to get him a doctor. But first, he has to convince her that a broken leg is indeed a reason to need a doctor. And she doesn't seem to realize this, or really much of anything. Rosalie is very much in her own little world, and what's important to her is all that there is. And what's important to her is not being lonely. She agrees to go fetch a doctor as Virgil hands her some money for groceries, but she comes back solo, as we suspected she would. As Virgil tries and tries to convince Rosalie that #1, keeping him there forever is unrealistic, and #2, he needs a doctor or he could lose his leg, we are given examples of how frustrating it can be to deal with someone with such little sense. She's seemingly too dumb to outsmart, but manages to smarten up quick at the most inconvenient of times.

Virgil makes the mistake of appearing too friendly, which is very much misunderstood, leading to Rosalie assuming that they're going to get hitched. There's some gold buried with grandpa, and a greedy, unwanted third party who shows up, complicating things further. Virgil doesn't want any gold, and he sure as hell doesn't want to get hitched to the kid who just broke his leg. All he wants is to get away from this place and get his leg checked out. And the closer he gets to his freedom, the further away it all seems.



This is by far the best example of isolation that I've seen in a movie. Poor Virgil might as well be on the moon, as he's going nowhere with that broken leg. We don't ever really learn anything about Virgil, and all we think we know about Rosalie is what she tells him. Just like this tiny cast is isolated from the world, we the viewer are equally isolated from the knowledge of what is actually going on. At times, it seems Virgil is sincere when insisting they can run off together after Rosalie gets him a doctor. An unlikely scenario, but we're never given confirmation on anything. Especially what's going on in Rosalie's head. All the confusion finally culminates in a twist ending which compliments this story very nicely.

For those who are willing to dig a little deeper for the quality cinema so many others have missed out on, this overlooked little gem should brighten your day. And for any fans of Misery, you might see some similarities which may or may not have been borrowed from Rosalie. Either way, I think this one could use a little more recognition as the damn good movie that it became, despite the non existent budget it had to work with. In fact, I'm a little surprised a company better than Sinister Cinema hasn't snatched this one up and put out a decent release with some interviews or audio commentary, telling the story of this unique but overlooked desert Thriller. The Strange Vengeance Of Rosalie deserves a fanbase. 9/10



#Review

Things: A Canuxploitation Abomination



Bad movies, especially of the Horror genre, have always been subjective. What's so bad it's good, and what's worthless is usually a matter of opinion. But what's the difference? What separates "good bad" from "bad bad"? It doesn't matter how terrible a movie is. If it's boring, then, it's boring. And boring is boring. I think we can all agree on that. But what, above all, has made certain bad movies stand out over the years and gain a following? What is it that people like about Blood Freak, Manos, and Troll 2? The only thing I can think of that these movies have in common is weirdness. WTF moments, intentional or not, that makes you question the director's sanity, and even your own, at times. It's true, and always has been. Bad + weird = gold.

Today, we're going to talk about one of the weird ones. In fact, we're going to talk about THE weird one, as far as I'm concerned. A movie I've had a hell of a time thinking up words for. It's called Things, and it was made in Canada in the late 80's by Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis. Although, it strangely has a bit of a 90's feel to it. I watched Things for the first of many times about four years ago, not long after the dvd release. And now that I've thought it over, I think I'm finally ready to talk about this.

I guess some films are so weird, they just got to show the title twice. Already giving the viewer a sense of deja vu. Yeah. They just showed the title three minutes ago, and now, they're showing it again. This time, with fire. I guess some movies are so weird, they just need to show the title twice. The main character is Don Drake, played by Barry J. Gillis. What makes him the main character is a mystery, As well as why he just took the tape recorder out of the freezer and replaced it with his jacket. Don's brother, Doug, has been trying to get his wife pregnant, but with no luck. Doug might be insane, but that's neither here nor there. With seemingly no plan whatsoever, Don and Fred hang out at Doug's house while he tends to the sick wife. Doug's been letting some mad doctor do experiments on her, which was supposed to result in a pregnancy. We then witness a somewhat unsettling scene involving said doctor. A scene that looks like it belongs in another movie. As they sit around and kill time, Don, Doug and Fred kid around, drink beer, and say things no one in their right mind would understand. Ya know what I think? I think they're fucking with us!

Don claims his beer tastes like cowshit from a well in West Africa, and waters it down with pure American water like any Canadian beer drinker with a good head on his shoulders. After Groundhogs Day Massacre goes off, Doug makes some sandwiches, which I'm pretty sure contains nothing. The second his brother's back is turned, he sticks a moth in his, because "it'll be crunchy in his tummy". One of many practical jokes, seemingly meant to fuck with our heads. As Don goes to take a bite, he clutches his arm in pain. "OH, FUCK! I HATE MOSQUITO BITES!!!", he yells, seemingly in the form of a question. I didn't see, nor did I hear any mosquitoes. And even if I missed it, Don was wearing a long sleeve sweatshirt. So, I'm not sure what else to say about that.

All hell breaks loose as Doug's wife dies and gives birth to a bunch of things. The fellas don't seem quite as affected by this as they should be. Doug isn't exactly thrilled his wife is dead, but doesn't show the emotion one should in this situation. He tries to explain why this has happened, but Don randomly goes off about some story he recently read in a Science Fiction novel. I'm not sure what was weirder. Don's seemingly pointless story, or the fact that Doug actually waited for him to finish before calling him a damn bastard and a dick. Don says he's sorry. He meant well and was only trying to eeease the tension. Or so he says.

Soon, Fred is sucked into the third, fourth and fifth dimension, complicating things further. Don and Doug don't seem all that concerned that their friend is gone, but they are now short a man, and forced to do something about the things problem themselves. Don and Doug then sit around for a while longer, drinking whiskey, making confusing jokes, and putting very little thought into whatever it is they should be doing, as porn star, Amber Lynn, tries in vain to make sense out of things.



That's probably all I should say about the story, for lack of a better word. As the movie goes on, things only gets more and more confusing. And I'd rather this be a good review than go on trying in vain to make you understand something that you're just not going to understand. But I would like to point out how great the dvd is, which is packed with extras, including two audio commentaries. The one featuring Gillis and Jordan, however, is probably the least informative, clusterfuck of a commentary I've ever heard. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

In all seriousness. If you see Things as JUST a bad movie, then, you're probably an asshole. Things is nothing short of a masterpiece of schlock. Truly a one of a kind experience. What amazes me is that somehow, the 90's and 2000's came and went without me even noticing this movie. I'll never understand why I hadn't heard of it until its most recent release. Oh, to be a B-movie loving teenager in the 90's, and to discover this shit! But I suppose I should be grateful to now own this movie and to have the option to watch it any time I want, with only a double digit number of viewings behind me. But I got to point out that this is one difficult film to consistently pay attention to. I'm not even sure why. Well, there's the fact that very little happens to further the almost non existent plot. Then, there's the intentionally bad dubbing, the Super-8 film which makes this look a bit older than it is, that "Talespin" song playing during that 15 minute scene where the guys are basically doing nothing. It's so easy to get lost in the weirdness, which varies from random to trippy to dreamy to nightmarish. All of this complimented by a score that makes everything seem far more surreal than I could ever put into words.

The highlight for me was of course Barry J. Gillis' portrayal of the mustached little weirdo, Don Drake, who's sly demeanor tells me he knows something the audience doesn't. Something we're never clued in on, as if we're supposed to figure it all out for ourselves. His disconnected performance makes this disconnected movie one of a kind as much as any of the other weird shit that goes on. The so bad it's good qualities takes a backseat to the complete and utter confusion, which is all clearly intentional, although, the intentions aside from that still remain unclear, even after my dozen plus viewings. Not to be understood, only accepted. Ultimately,Things is just everything you shouldn't do when attempting to make a film, rolled into one big, Incoherent joke without a punchline. A joke probably only meant to be funny to a select few, but is slowly winning over the world, one bad movie lover at a time. 10/10



#Review

Suicide Solution: The History Of Psychomania



For me, There's two kinds of bad Horror movies. The one's I buy off Amazon, these days. Some I like, some I love, and some make me want my money back. Then, there's the one's I rented on VHS as a teenager back in the 90's. I love them all, period. I guess that makes me one of those nostalgia weirdos, who's biased enough to love all sorts of abominations of cinema. Fine by me. Not everyone can get pleasure out of Silent Night Deadly Night, Part 2. But I can. Which brings me to another movie I haven't watched in a long time. I remember renting it around 1997, as well as which of the many video stores I rented it from. I think I'm a little biased when it comes to Psychomania. Of course, it's far from unwatchable. It's pretty entertaining, actually. However, when watching this otherwise bad film, I can't help but be in a good mood. Partly because I genuinely like it, but also because of the pleasure and laughter it provided years ago. I don't know how I would feel about it had I recently discovered it, but as bad as it may be, I have to love Psychomania. That's just how it is.

Psychomania is about one man's hunger for the ultimate power: immortality. As well as his ignorance of the source of said power. Possibly Satan. It's not all that clear, as they didn't really seem to think things through at all when writing this story. So, to elaborate, this very British production is about some pussy rich kid, named Tom. Tom surrounds himself with his biker gang, conveniently called The Living Dead. These little rascals are a bit of a problem in town, these days, causing all sorts of mayhem. Tom seems to be a bit of a sociopath, as well as a cocky sonofabitch. But given the right opportunity, and Tom could be very dangerous.

Tom's mother and her butler know a secret involving a locked room, his father's death, and a frog. The secret of immortality. And Tom isn't going to let up until they spill it. After nearly shitting himself and fainting in the room, which he apparently has to hang out in for a while in order to get what he wants, he overhears mother and Shadwell talking, finally getting that important info that the room failed to give up. What Tom learns is that if you want to live forever, you have to kill yourself, believing with all your heart that you will return from the dead. And that's all there is to it. Groundbreaking stuff in this one, gang!

Tom gathers up his crew, and convinces them to go on a havoc wreaking spree with him, right before he and his motorcycle fly off a bridge. Tom is now dead, and as far as his mates go, gone forever. They have a nice funeral for him, while one of them plays this sweet hippie tune called "Riding Free". Soon, Tom rises from the grave, more arrogant than ever, and seemingly invincible. Tom now has three goals in mind. convince his fellow living dead-ites to off themselves, go wreak more havoc with them without the threat of dying in a wreck. And of course, the next logical step would be world domination. Tom may be a terrible person, but he certainly has ambition.

While we watch Tom's mates commit suicide in various ways, we get the idea that with power as precious as immortality, comes a hefty price. Especially when you're a bunch of assholes. Which is weird, as the root of this whole thing seems to be very much Satanic. One would think they'd be on the right path, considering their plans and all. But the more havoc and murders we witness, the more obvious it becomes. The Living Dead are fucked!



So, yeah. A half assed story, with a serious lack of character development. A bad movie, indeed. But it has no problem redeeming itself with a likable cheesiness, along with a catchy/menacing score, complimenting the rebellious tone of it all. Technically, Psychomania is a Zombie flick, and seems to be considered one by many. I guess that's the one thing the early 70's was missing... A Biker Zombie flick. And a fun fact for any Psychomania fans who may not know, but the legendary George Sanders, who played Shadwell the butler, committed suicide after watching what would end up being his last film. Sure. it's bad. But it's not THAT bad, is it? The poor old guy probably wasn't doing great to begin with, but it's been said that after seeing himself in such a piece of shit, he just had enough from this world. But there's no reason to have such high standards as the late Mr. Sanders did. You weren't in it. So, never mind the flaws. Just kick back, relax, and check out some classic British cheese. 6/10



#Review

Attack Of The Beast Creatures (1985)



When writing about a movie, I usually like to start out by offering some sort of backgroud info, regardless of how loosely related it might be. But that's just not going to happen, this time. This time, I don't know shit. And sadly, I don't know how to know shit. That's because the movie I'm going to tell you about is that obscure. The term "obscure", when referring to film, is somewhat obsolete, these days. Since dvds popped up, that word has had less and less meaning. Movies which were once obscure became easily obtainable. And with even more ways to find movies, nowadays, along with audio commentaries and documentaries, the term "obscure" doesn't get used much. And if it does, it probably shouldn't. But there are a few Horror films left still worthy of this status. Today, I'm going to talk about a movie called Attack Of The Beast Creatures. Not impossible to find. In fact, it can currently be watched on Youtube. However, no dvd of this exists, while vhs copies are becoming harder and harder to find. And from what I've seen, no information exists. That, I find intriguing.

How did this happen? Of all the horrible, boring B-movies that have even made it to Blu-ray by now, and have long gotten their stories told, why has no one bothered to dust off this gem and introduce it to a new generation, as well as the old one who missed out? That's a question which may never be answered. But for now, lets try to make a little sense out of this lost enigma of backyard cinema.

Alright, well, making sense probably ain't gonna happen, but I can try my best to explain things. First of all, I would put this in the category of the many Gremlins ripoffs of the 80's. In fact, this might be the first, since it was made the very next year. Attack Of The Beast Creatures is no doubt the most unusual of its breed. Aside from having a surreal, almost dreamlike tone, this movie takes place in 1920, which isn't all that obvious at any point. It starts out reminding me very much of Troma's War, of all movies. There's no explosions, and nobody ever gets infected with the AIDS, However, we start with some survivors of a sunken ship, barely making it to a near by island. They all get along fairly well, except some cranky old bastard, making things more difficult than they should be. One of them dies, or is pretty close to death. The others take off and leave him, regardless. Later, a couple of them go back, only to discover his bones have been picked clean. This is our first indication that these people are probably fucked. One of them wishes out loud that it should have been the cranky old bastard who died, which seems to hurt his feelings, as he storms off in a huff.

And that night, just as everyone gets comfortable enough to sleep out in the woods, it happens! People from behind the camera start throwing these red dolls at everyone, as they freak out and act as if they're being killed in a violent manner. No claymation, no fx of any kind. Just dolls being thrown and dolls being held while people pretend to be bitten. This happens quite a few times over the next day or two, as the survivors make their way to higher ground, and possibly food or help. As they fight off the little red bastards, they encounter an acid creek. No. Not the good kind of acid creek. The type that melts your skin off. One guy finds that out the hard way. As their numbers decrease, the survivors stumble upon the creature's turf, where they find them all worshiping a giant statue. This discovery does add some unexpected character development to these things, as pointless as it may have been. Strangely, this is nothing that's ever followed up on or explained in the least.

One thing I love about this movie is that nothing really ever is explained, or made sense out of at all. I'm sure this is at least partly due to a lack of creativity. However, it really works, as there is a certain mystique about Attack Of The Beast Creatures. Being rare is only half of it. There's just something about it that sets it apart from other low-budget Horror movies. An indescribable tone that can only be found in movies like Troll 2 or Manos:The Hands Of Fate. I don't know if this film was meant to seem as surreal as it does, but as someone who obviously wasn't very knowledgeable on movie making, the director did a great job at coming up with something unlike anything else, before or since. Besides the whole Gremlins thing, of course. But who knows? Maybe this just happened to be made around the same time, automatically putting it in that category. We don't know. We don't know anything about beast creatures. At least not yet. 6/10



#Review

Shitcom: The History Of Woodchipper Massacre



Can you believe people used to make movies using VHS camcorders? I'm not talking about home movies, here. I'm talking full length features, intended to be picked up by actual companies for actual money. Which implies a fanbase for such a thing actually exists. Crazy, right? Perhaps. And perhaps it's a small fanbase, as most moviegoers can't be bothered with the unknowns and the unusual. However, the 80's gave us a new type of micro-budget Horror. A new low, so to speak. Weird, yet underappreciated little movies which have aged surprisingly well the last three decades, and have also managed to gain cult status among bad movie connoisseurs. Not all of them, of course. Some of them are damn near unwatchable. But movies like sledgehammer, Video Violence and Black Devil Doll From Hell have managed to make their way into the hearts and remain in the memories of us who love nostalgia or complete and utter incompetence.

As the decade continued, the quality, charm and demand for these things slowly dwindled away. Yet, for us who care, there can still be a few decent ones even as far along as the mid-90's. But in 1988, a young guy by the name of Jon McBride tried his hand at micro-budget filmmaking. And the end result was the now-beloved classic gorefest, Cannibal Campout. A fun and cheesy, "hillbillies in the woods" slasher flick, which was and is right up the alley for any S.O.V. enthusiast. Surprisingly, the same can be said for McBride's next effort. You wouldn't think that going by the title, but Woodchipper Massacre isn't really much of a massacre at all. And come to think of it, it's not even really a Horror movie. although, there are deaths. It wasn't anywhere near the original plans, but Woodchipper Massacre is more of a lighthearted comedy which serves as a homage to wholesome, 70's sitcoms such as The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family. But don't let that scare you off. There's still the woodchipper, after all.

Again. Nothing in this story is of the Horror genre, or even Horror comedy, really. Woodchipper Massacre revolves around a single father of three kids who is going out of town on business for the weekend. Despite one of the "kids" (McBride) being 17, dad calls upon Aunt Tess to look after them. Aunt Tess has no problem helping out, but has no plans of being remotely pleasant, or even speaking without shouting. Which reminds me. Goddamn the noise! It sounds like the audio was turned up too loud, while the smaller kid's voices were already a bit much as it is. It might be a good idea to turn the sound down while watching this one. Anyway, the smaller kids were ugly, but seem nice enough, and willing to put up with their aunt, who is not only loud and unpleasant, but also a controlling religious fanatic. So, no enjoyment will be had, this weekend. Especially during dinner.

All goes smoothly as the siblings do an okay job at putting up with the old bitch until the little ginger kid gets his sweet Rambo knife he ordered in the mail. Aunt Tess does not approve and tries snatching it from him. The little Red kid has about had it with her, and won't let go. A struggle ensues, and you probably know what's about to happen, unless you're an idiot. Yep. Aunt Tess accidentally stabbed herself to death. And as big brother, Jon, enters the room, the siblings stare in shock at what has happened. Little red kid seems only concerned with going to prison, while the sister is more concerned with what people will think, or how it will effect her popularity. Most of the humor is drawn from the fact that the kids don't really give a shit that a human being is dead, but only with not getting in trouble. Basically remaining oblivious of the traumatic side of the whole thing. As they scramble to figure out what to do, it's decided that the only way to get out of this jam is the woodchipper out back. Perhaps an insensitive approach to the whole, thing, but it was an accident, after all. Not so much the next death. Jesus! These kids really don't want to get in trouble, do they?

One would think something like this would have a hard time finding distribution, as some might not quite know what to do with an almost bloodless, shot-on-video sitcom-parody, that's not at all a Horror film. Sounds like something that might take a decade or two to find an audience. But apparently, this movie had no trouble finding distribution or a fanbase right off the bat. And after seeing Cannibal Campout, I'm pretty much on board with anything Jon McBride throws at us. Sadly, he didn't keep on going after Woodchipper Massacre, as the whole process was too big of a pain in the ass. Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that he made this movie all by himself. But along with the pains in the ass, there's also the fact that there was really no payoff for making these movies by the late-80's. But that wouldn't be the end for McBride, as some years later, he resurfaced to join forces with the Polonia brothers to co-direct Feeders, Followed by a handful others. But that's another story. As for Jon McBride's solo-directing career, it was short, but sweet enough to cement his legacy as a key part of the shot-on-video revolution of the 80's. And for that, Woodchipper Massacre will always have a place in the hearts of many. 5/10



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