I text people.

These are some of the recent drunk texts I've sent:

"Aerosmith, and the only other thing in the world that isn't Aerosmith, a marshmallow, had a standoff. They stood face to face. "You'll never be Aerosmith," said Aerosmith. "You'll never be a marshmallow" said the marshmallow. They stood there like that for, like, forever."

MY FRIEND REPLIED:
"It was the best infinite stand off concert to ever happen becuz it's still happening and always will be"

I REPLIED:
"Far superior to the feud of the south-going zax and the north-going zax. Are you familiar with that Dr. Suess story? With the zax?"

HE REPLIED:
Nope.

I REPLIED:
Then eat shit, puke it into a stanktwat, suck it back out, have syphillis, be stuck constantly in a concentration camp, watch the movie The Sixth Sense over and over, have boiling water poured on your head, you suck and i hate you, get driven over by an el camino, put a crowbar in your sweatpores, or just read the story. Eat your mom's pussy/cunt.

Eat a live duck, feathers and all. Or read the story. Slam your head to death on your kitchen table. Or read the story. Have a million gallons of silicone injected into your earlobes. You're not my friend any more. Fuck you. Or read the story. GET RAPED. Or read the story.