You Don't Fuck With A Man's Bike!



The 80's were quite a time for kid's movies. Quality kid's movies. Extremely marketable kid's movies. Probably the golden age if we're being honest. And I think that might have a little to do with the fact that so many of these now old school kid's movies also appealed to adults. There was no Barney. And there certainly were no retard Minions. Just PG movies. They didn't even have to be G rated. Movies like E.T. or The Goonies. And OK. Maybe the movie I'm gonna talk about is a bit sillier than those, but Paul Reubens just died, so, I need to talk about Pee Wee's Big Adventure. And I'll spare you my thoughts on that fucking hack, Tim Burton. I'll just say that in 1985, the guy made a masterpiece. But never mind who directed it. This one is for the star. This one is for Pee Wee.

I must have seen this for the first time as far back as '86 or '87, probably on HBO or something. This is around the time my family got our first VCR, so, I was sure to get this on tape so I could watch it any time. I remember taping this along with the old animated The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe. I think I even got a few episodes of Pee Wee's Playhouse on there too. I can't imagine how many times I watched that tape at 7 years old. Especially Pee Wee's Big Adventure. It was my favorite movie. My first favorite movie. So, what exactly is the appeal? Is it the comedy? Or the all around epic nature of the story? It's more than that. This movie offers something more. There's something very surreal about it. Cartoonish and slightly dreamlike to the point that it takes you out of your own reality as you're watching. It feels like you're watching a different world at times, and it's hard to not feel as though you're being pulled into it and are literally along for the ride.

Coincidentally, our story does start out with a dream. Pee Wee dreams of winning the Tour De. France, but before he is awarded his crown, he is awakened by his alarm clock, but it's all good because real life kicks ass too. Pee Wee's lives in a bit of a funhouse with all sorts of bizarre things that don't make sense, as he constantly amuses himself by parodying real life. Pee Wee starts off his morning by using an over-sized toothbrush and putting scotch tape all over his face for no apparent reason. He knows full well this is going to end painfully as he has to pull it off sooner than later, but I guess it was too much to resist. His contraptions then makes this big breakfast with pancakes and everything, only for him to pour Mr. T. cereal all over it. Pee Wee, of course, takes only a bite or 2, leaving the actual breakfast to just sit there, possibly forever.

There's something awfully mysterious about this guy's existence. Pee Wee is like a kid, but he clearly isn't. Not quite a man-child, but he seemed to have made a life choice at some point and stuck to it. How does he support this life though? How does he afford this house and all the cool shit? For such a friendly guy, it seems he has very much embraced a life of solitude. More on that later. But yeah. What about his parents? I feel like they fit into this somehow. Did they die and leave him a fortune? Pee Wee is definitely no man-child, because he is completely independent, yet he has surrounded himself with an existence that would be a child's dream come true. Maybe he's delusional, maybe his dead parents didn't teach him shit, but nothing and no one is going to ruin this guy's happiness.

Well, today, someone is going to try. As it would turn out, happiness is nothing more than a really cool bicycle. Pee Wee has a special hidden place in the bushes. A hidden section in the yard where he keeps the greatest bicycle ever created. A bicycle we, unfortunately never get to learn much about. A bicycle which must have one hell of a backstory, but all we know is that this is Pee Wee's most prized possession. As Pee Wee leaves on his bike to run some errands, he is reminded that the world outside his house can get ugly. Almost immediately affter leaving, Pee Wee is cornered by obese rich kid, Francis. Today is Francis' birthday and he has decided that Pee Wee's bike would make the perfect birthday present. Francis is willing to pay as much as it takes, but is told to get fucked in so many words. Pee Wee's taunts and all around lack of cooperation has angered the effeminate hog, and you can tell he's going to be trouble going forward.

As Pee Wee runs his errands, we are given our first indication that he might be asexual as he picks up a horn for his bike at the bike shop. There's this chick that works there that is not only sweet on him, but clearly makes a habit of asking him on a date. I can only assume Pee Wee isn't interested in going on a date with anyone as this chick, Dottie, is pretty cute. But this date, or even a discussion about a date is just not happening. To each their own, I guess. After Pee Wee has some fun in a magic shop, he makes his way back to his bike, which he chained up outside. He is horrified to discover that his pride and joy has been stolen.

After physically attacking Francis, Pee Wee starts to lose it a little. He then seeks the guidance of a fortune-teller and is convinced that his bike now resides in the basement of the Alamo in Texas. Not being from Texas, this sounds reasonable to Pee Wee, so, he plans an epic road trip. How far is Texas, you ask? Well, we don't know. We have no idea where Pee Wee lives. It doesn't matter where he lives or how far Texas is. Pee Wee isn't going to give up until he is reunited with his bike.

As it would turn out, Francis actually paid someone to steal the bike. He has second thoughts due to the ongoing investigation and gets rid of it. However, the bike does not end up in Texas. Pee Wee, however, does. Apparently, the shit ton of money he uses to keep up his lifestyle isn't quite enough for a bus ticket, so, this road trip will be done the old fashioned way. Pee Wee sets out to hitch hike all the way to the Alamo. First, he gets picked up by a fugitive who is wanted for cutting off a mattress label. Nice guy, but a little high strung. Pee Wee gets ditched in the middle of nowhere after nearly getting them both killed. Pee Wee then gets a ride from a truck driver named Large Marge, who turns out to be a ghost. A ghost that is guaranteed to haunt your dreams forever. Terrifying, but not necessarily malevolent as she does Pee Wee no harm and simply gives him a ride to a near by diner.

After eating, Pee Wee finally realizes the fortune teller stole his wallet, so, he'll be washing some dishes this evening. After making friends with a waitress, Pee Wee watches the sunrise with her inside of a dinosaur, but is nearly killed by her boyfriend. Pee Wee catches a train out of town and makes friends with a hobo who won't stop singing, so, Pee Wee jumps off and is now in San Antonio. Pee Wee then heads straight for the Alamo to pick up his bike, which should just take a minute as these things usually go smoothly. Unfortunately, the bike is not there. And to make matters worse, Pee Wee gets laughed at by a large group of Texans for not realizing there is no basement in the Alamo. Pee Wee goes to the bus station to sulk for a while, but happens to run into the waitress from earlier. The funny thing is that only 6 minutes have passed in the movie since Simone's boyfriend ran him off, so, that's weird...

It almost seems like Pee Wee's waitress friend plans on taking a bus to Paris, but that's neither here nor there. After Simone leaves, Pee Wee runs into her now ex-boyfriend who continues his quest to murder him. Long story short, Pee Wee ends up on a bull and gets thrown off and knocked out. He then goes to a bar and impresses a bunch of bloodthirsty bikers with his dancing skills as a last ditch effort to not get killed. Pee Wee then rides off on a motorcycle because Bikers apparently give them away as presents when they like somebody. Pee Wee immediately gets himself hurt again and wakes up in a hospital. He happens to see a clue on the tv which leads him to his bike. What follows is the single most epic chase scene in film history.

It's certainly easy to believe this movie would lead to a Saturday morning TV show, more movies, merchandise, and Pee Wee Herman basically becoming a household name. And while his bank account probably told a different story, I will always believe 1985's Pee Wee's Big Adventure was peak Pee Wee. The second half of the 80's was no doubt a great time in the life of Paul Reubens as his Saturday morning show, Pee Wee's Playhouse was huge. I, personally, never missed an episode. In 1988, the man finally landed himself a follow-up movie called Big Top Pee Wee. It certainly had its moments, but it just wasn't the same. But they can't all be Pee Wee's Big Adventure, can they?

A few years later, it all, unfortunately, came crashing down. Poor guy never had the luxury of watching his career slowly fizzle out. One big mistake in a porn theater in 1991 would cost him dearly and it would all then just vanish, seemingly over night. Sorta like Guns N. Roses. Even though it may have seemed like it, Paul Reubens never truly went away. Over the years, he popped up randomly in movies and tv shows now and then. Reubens would even reprise the role which made him famous in a Broadway special in 2011. And finally, in 2016, Pee Wee would land himself a true follow up to "Big Adventure", in Pee Wee's Big Holiday. It lacked the magic of the 1985 epic, but a triumphant return, nonetheless. And something special for those who still missed their hero from the 80's, and always wanted another Pee Wee movie. So, yeah. This week, Paul Reubens died of cancer. I can't help but be reminded of the joy and laughter his character and this movie brought me at one time, and I just had to say a few words. I know I'm not alone in my sadness as his fanbase never went away much like he himself never did. I'm sure he hung on for as long as he could these last few years, but time eventually turns on us all. However, not all of us are lucky enough to have ourselves a big adventure. Pee Wee did, and he will forever be immortalized because of it. R.I.P. Pee Wee Herman. 10/10



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Guns Akimbo 2019

Daniel Radcliffe plays an internet troll who gets abducted by some darkweb group that livestreams people pitted against each other in assassination plots.

This movie has many parallels to the 2016 movie Nerve, which was about extreme dares. A fun movie in itself, but not nearly as violent as Guns Akimbo. Radcliffe is a decent actor, but Samara Weaving is always a blast. Especially when she spends half the movie trying to kill our protagonist.

Sometimes, I find myself in need of a violent shoot 'em up movie. If that's the mood you're in, this movie will do it.

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Indiana Jones 5

Harrison Ford has still got it. The opening is a prequel bit, and there's a lot of hoopla about him being de-aged. It looks okay. There are still little ticks that look fake, and while he appears young, he still sounds old.

Cut to the present. 1969, NYC. Indy is actually old and ready to retire. However, there's always some asshole artifact that prompts a larger than life globe-trotting adventure, but it was fun. Not gonna lie, I have no beef with this movie.

Mads is a template Nazi villain here, but he's still classy. Indy has a new female sidekick who has her own child sidekick, because sidekicks are an Indy tradition. For anybody wondering about Shia's character Mutt, don't worry. He's dead.

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The Foo Fighters made a horror movie

Studio 666 came out of nowhere, and it disappeared just as fast. Who knew Dave Grohl was such a big fan of The Exorcist? Because who isn't, really? So his effort is a haunted mansion / music studio in California with some rock star horror backstory... featuring Jenna Ortega!. Albeit super briefly. The Foo can't come up with a new album, so they go to this haunted-ass place for inspiration.

Dave is the lead, obviously. Whilst you can tell he isn't an actor, you know he had fun with this, and his acting isn't terrible or anything. The late Taylor Hawkins apparently didn't want to memorize lines, so he improved all of his. I already forgot the rest of the bandmates, because they were lame and not funny. One of the guys had gray hair and looked really old and he definitely couldn't act. He couldn't wipe that stupid look off his face the whole movie. Then the other guy being overtly sexual was definitely unfunny, and then there was another guy or two. I forgot most of the movie, and I definitely zoned out at the end, because it got pretty lame and boring.

I love Dave Grohl, I do. I know he means well, but the story isn't great. This it becomes a movie about the kills. That's cool enough I guess. But with Exorcist inspiration, you'd expect a different result. I didn't hate it though. It does feature a John Carpenter intro score, as well as his classic white Albertus title font, as well as JC himself in a bit part as a sound mixer. The backstory on him scoring a track is pretty cool too. It involves too many brain thoughts and thinking stuffs for me to put to words right now, but this awkward, mildly amusing meta possession horror flick by the Foo Fighters definitely exists. Should you watch it though? Or should you take my word for it?

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Day Of The Clown



Sorry, but clowns are shit. I mean, come on! They're basically just people who want to make a living in comedy, but lack either the guts or talent to become a comedian. Instead, they choose to hide behind makeup and go for the easiest possible audience. It's a pathetic existence when you think about it. Going through life pretending you've found your calling while settling for this less-respectable version of what you'd rather be doing. I suppose grabbing hold of even a glimmer of your dream could be better than nothing in some cases, but a clown? I don't know. You should probably just hang yourself and get it overwith. So, anyway. There's this movie about a guy whose genuine dream was to be a clown. To be nothing but a clown. The sad truth about this clown of a man is that he truly was nothing. At one point, all he had was his persona of "Flappy", but after a little hardship, a little soul searching and some much needed growth of his balls, William would finally become somebody... Somebody who is respected. Somebody who is not to be fucked with. This is the story of Vulgar the clown.

There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy. The world could definitely use more of them. However, this guy, William, has got to learn to stand up for himself a little. William is a nice guy. One could say he's just an all around good person. William gets shit on seemingly by everyone he comes across in life. His mom despises him for unknown reasons, Bums hang around outside his lousy little house and throw things at him when he walks by. His only friend is an asshole. It seems as though the only thing that keeps William going is his love for his profession as a birthday clown and his dreams of it all becoming something more. William is convinced it's only a matter of time before his big break and "Flappy The Clown" becomes a household name.

William's biggest problem at the moment is financial. This clown shit is not paying off at the moment and William is going to have to get creative if he plans on making ends meet. William comes up with this idea. It's a bit random and takes some explaining to really make sense, but he comes up with this sleazy alter-ego for bachelor parties. Basically for a prank, like if the groom to be is expecting a stripper, in walks "obnoxious fag clown", and then he'll be all like "what the fuck, dude".... Get it? Yeah, it's pretty lame and does not sound like something that would catch on in a million years. However, William gets his first customer shortly after putting the ad in the paper. And that's where things get interesting.

I'm sure if William had any idea of the hell his first customer would bring down on him, he would have gladly stayed in his lane and remained in the dead end existence that it seems was meant for him. As William slowly creeps into a dark motel room, hoping to find a party, the party finds him. He is immediately assaulted, beaten mercilessly by a giant fat fuck (Ethan Suplee) and his cock-eyed brother. These brothers do the bidding of their vicious deviant of a father. The father, Edwina, explains to William that he's there for one reason: To get his asshole destroyed. William is about to get gang raped and there's not a thing in the world he can do about it. William is then ass raped, fucked in the mouth, beaten within an inch of his life, and left for dead.

After the party, William gets himself home and cleans the cum and blood out of his asshole. Traumatized and forever changed, William needs a little time before even trying to figure out where to go from here. The only person William can turn to and confide in is his asshole friend who turns out to be more caring and dependable than we assumed. It takes him a while to get back into the swing of things, but William eventually dusts off his old Flappy costume and gets back to the only thing in life he is good at: Making children's birthday parties extra special. Once again, the next gig will change everything.

There seems to be a little situation when William arrives at his destination. A pissed off, psychotic father is holding his own daughter at gunpoint in the house as cops are outside trying to reason with him. He only wants his estranged wife to come in and the daughter goes free. Everyone knows what will happen to the wife if she goes in there, so, the cops are stuck between a rock and a hard place. That is, until William grows his balls and just walks up in there and takes the guy out. And just like that, William is a hero. After William's brave act gains some publicity, one thing leads to another, and he is offered his own TV show be an eager network executive (Kevin Smith). William happily accepts, and just like that, his wildest dreams have come true.

William now has the life he's always wanted, and all he has to do is keep on being Flappy. William's new-found happiness would be short-lived, however, as the vicious closet-homo and his boys have discovered Flappy's identity and set out to blackmail, first for money, then for more ass. Unfortunately, the gang rape was filmed and William was forced to say things that might ruin him if it ever got out there. So, once again, William is at the mercy of these sick fucks. The father and sons want one more crack at William's "sweet ass", and he is assured he will be given the only proof of his shame. Of course, William doesn't think for one second that it will be over no matter what he gives them. William knows there is only one way to handle this situation: With a gun!

Starring Brian O'Halloran, who played Dante in Clerks. One thing this movie has over Kevin Smith's is we actually get to see Brian O'Halloran spread his wings as an actor and show what he can really do. William/Flappy/Vulgar is not only more likable and endearing than the whiny pessimist, Dante, but an all around deeper character. A soft spoken doormat who never learned to stand up for himself, and instead, waits and hopes for those who make his life unbearable to pass him by. That attitude only got William so far, and ultimately led him to a situation that waiting and hoping could not fix.

Directed by Bryan Johnson. A friend of Kevin Smith's who has appeared in several of his films, including Mallrats and Dogma. There's obviously a lot of Smith influence to be found in the script, but the silent one certainly never made anything half this dark. And while it is dark in the most entertaining way possible, one doesn't have to be a filmmaker to notice the lack of experience here. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something missing from this story. It all felt somewhat incomplete to me. It feels like the second and third acts run together, so, when it's all over, it really doesn't seem as though it should be. Not that it was so much anti-climactic as it just sorta rushed to the climax, making the closing scene feel almost out of the blue. I'm guessing this black sheep of the View Askewniverse never found the audience it was looking for or deserves. Vulgar seems like one of those movies that isn't quite sure what it wants to be. It flirts with the rape/revenge aspect, but doesn't quite get there. The comedy mostly falls flat mainly because of how out of place it feels. Vulgar is primarily a dark drama, so, the attempts at comedy relief doesn't really fit, and ultimately doesn't do this movie any favors. If Brian O'Halloran getting his asshole demolished against his will isn't enough to tickle your funny bone, then I don't know what to tell ya! 5/10



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The Return of Batman Returns (2023)

I'm not terribly familiar with The Flash. He had a lot of tv stuff in and out of the Arrowverse, but I never watched any of it, because why should I? I'm here for Batman, bitch. But somehow, that weird cult leader they-pronoun Ezra Miller pulled it off. It lived up to the hype.

The movie takes heavy inspiration from the Flashpoint Paradox comic, in which Flash goes so fast that he travels back in time. It was a cool comic and animated film, utilizing Batman in a primary role, which is what this movie also does. Sex^Batman sells. Of course, that story has been told already, so we're fitting it into the Snyderverse for one last go before the new DCU takes over.

It makes for a good Flash origin story, even though it's definitely not a prequel. It's time travel, so it's actually a very fun butterfly effect movie with sincerity and jokes that actually land. It covers the accident, the trauma, all that. But Batman...

Ben Affleck actually has a good look for Batman & Bruce Wayne. He's in there for a few good scenes, but Michael Keaton is the one we're curious about. How does he factor into all this? Well, time isn't linear, and it takes some spaghetti to explain it. In a nutshell, he's from a skewed intersecting universe of sorts in which Flash seemingly landed.

He's still cool though, because "I'm Batman" - him. However, I'm thinking he's not necessarily the same one we saw in the Tim Burton movies, but the mansion is the same, the car and gadgets are the same, the batcave... I think that was different, but I'm a pathetic Batman fan since I can't tell you for certain. There's another Batman, but you'll find out about that later.

Supergirl and Zod are also in a chunk of this movie, and it shows you just how badly we needed a Henry Cavill to save us from that liberal loon Michael Shannon. Michael complained that his role is pretty shallow in this movie, and I'll agree. But he's there for some interesting Man of Steel nostalgia. Supergirl was well done, but pointless in the long run. I would do her.

It was a fun movie. People say the CGI is bad, but that's redundant. It didn't bother me, because I was high as fuck and eating hot dogs. The Flash was running at lightning speed though infinity, but he was also stealing and eating hot dogs, and that makes him a relatable character.

May God have mercy on Ezra Miller's soul.

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Take Me To The River: Promising drama falls the fuck apart



Jesus, where to begin... And this one started out making so much sense. I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but it's almost like the director's brain just stopped working at some point during filming. Although that would imply the scenes were filmed in order and I have no reason to think they were, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. It's not really a bad movie as far as typical bad movie qualities go. It's just that this thing makes less and less sense as it goes on, and it kinda blows my mind that whoever is responsible for this weird shit was OK with the final product being released as it was. Trust me. It needed some work.

This movie takes place in rural Nebraska during a family reunion for a really big family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, grandparents. Everybody's present and ready to eat. Including the outcasts from Californy. This married couple and their pissy, 17 year old gay son. I don't think Ryder much cares for anyone at this reunion, but he really wants to tell them all he's into dudes for some reason. Ryder wants this reunion to be his little coming out party, but his parents think it would make things super awkward. To be honest, we are given no reason to think otherwise. Ryder doesn't give a fuck and he shows it by wearing his red short shorts. This definitely makes things awkward as he gets plenty of stares and comments from the dumb hicks who don't get how sweet these gay, red shorts really are.

Ryder ends up volunteering to look after his 9 year old cousin, Molly for a while, seemingly as an excuse to get away from everyone else. The two go exploring and end up in a barn where the girl wishes to inspect the nest of some animal, which is where things get complicated. Molly talks Ryder into lifting her up on his shoulders so she can reach this nest, and the next thing we see is the little girl running back to the adults, screaming and crying with blood on her dress. This kid has just gotten her first period. Molly's redneck daddy is enraged and starts screaming at Ryder because he thinks he shoved his slimy gay dick up this girl's undeveloped little pussy. Molly doesn't even attempt to clear Ryder's name, and for whatever reason, neither does he.

Ryder denys doing anything to his cousin, but at the same time, acts like he's hiding something. If he is hiding something, we never learn what that is. As far as we know, this kid just started bleeding out her vagina whilst on Ryder's shoulders. It happens, I guess. Dinner is ruined as big drama ensues. Grandma thinks it's best if Ryder sleeps in the barn tonight even though outraged redneck daddy and family live way on down the road and have already left. This is more or less where the logic starts to crumble.

So, Ryder gladly sleeps in the barn because fuck grandma and pretty much everyone else. At some point in the night, his idiot mother comes out to sleep with him, I assume because she feels guilty. Ryder wants her to go away and stop bothering him but she feels like this is the best desicion. The next day, it is discovered that Ryder's parents car has been spray-painted with insults obviously directed at Ryder. We never learn who did this, but idiot mom's only concern is hiding this from grandma. Later on, idiot mom's brother (outraged, redneck daddy) sends one of his other little daughters (he has 4) to go fetch Ryder. This little girl shows up on a horse announcing that Ryder has officially been invited by daddy to dine with the family. Daddy wants to make things right and show Ryder that he is still welcomed in their home. The girl insists only Ryder is invited, which sounds suspicious as all hell if you ask me. For some reason, this untrusting teenager accepts the invitation seemingly without much thought. Apparently, Ryder's main concern is being allowed to wear his gay, red shorts. He immediately pulls down his pants to reveal them as his parents discourage this because nothing good could possibly come from wearing those faggy little things.

For some reason, Ryder seems to feel as though his gayness is somehow wrapped up in these shorts. He doesn't plan on telling anyone he wants cock, but I guess, feels the shorts are a fair compromise. So, Ryder rides the horse with Molly's little sister all the way to their place down the road. We then witness a very awkward lunch with the obviously still sore redneck daddy as he attempts to act like it's all good. Daddy says weird shit to Ryder, talks in riddles, asks him questions that sounds like traps, but ultimately, none of this seems to amount to jack shit. At one point, daddy randomly insists Ryder attempt to name off his daughters from oldest to youngest. As the suspicious Ryder is very hesitant to do so, it appears this all has a point and is leading somewhere but never does. Much like everything else.

After lunch, Daddy makes Ryder spend some alone time with Molly in her room, which is every bit as uncomfortable as it sounds. Lots of awkward silence between these two kids, but not long after they get to talking, daddy busts in and takes Ryder outside to show him how to shoot a gun. We can hear the resentment in his voice as he explains how to work the gun, but daddy never attempts to get anything off his chest. Maybe he was trying to scare Ryder, or just make him feel uncomfortable? it's impossible to know what is happening here. Luckily for Ryder, this weird little visit is now coming to an end as redneck daddy is having Molly take Ryder back to grandma's as they both ride off on horses together. On the way back, Ryder tries to find out what the fuck is going on because something clearly is, but Molly's not talking. She, however, mentions something about her family not being her real family, but also insists she's not adopted when asked. This is never mentioned again, and like literally everything else, goes nowhere.

Molly suddenly goes from quiet to talkative to somewhat flirty. She stops by the river, insisting the horses need a drink. Already wearing a swimsuit, she jumps in and takes herself a swim, and immediately starts trying to coax Ryder into getting in there with her. What in the ever loving hell does this kid want? It seems so much like there's something else going on here that is about to be revealed, but it never happens. After talking a lot of nonsense, Molly talks Ryder into letting her get on his shoulders again, which she seems to get sexual pleasure from. I mean she's clearly humping the back of his neck. Maybe it doesn't bother him as much as it should since he's gay? I don't know, but seriously, what the fuck is happening here?

Ryder and Molly hang around by the river for a while until Molly dumps mud all over him and then talks him into a game of hide and seek. As Ryder closes his eyes and counts to 50, Molly quickly runs off and just vanishes. It was freaky like maybe she DID literally vanish, but no such luck. Ryder then spends the next few hours searching for her. After it gets dark, he gives up and heads back to grandma's where he finds Molly and redneck daddy hanging out with his parents at the dinner table. Ryder is asked to join them. Not knowing what else to do, he just sits down and says very little as daddy directs passive aggressive remarks at him. He eventually gets to something resembling a point and sheds a little, and I mean very little light on the situation. If I didn't know better, I'd think this guy was implying that everything that has happened was by design. Possibly attempted revenge for some incest that went down between him and Ryder's mom when they were kids. So... there's that.

•SHRUGS• Don't ask me! I realize my description of this movie sounds like I only half-way paid attention, but I assure you, this is how it is. I never gave up on this kid being a homo somehow turning out to be relevant to the story though. As it would turn out, nothing was relevant. Nothing made sense. Or at least nothing after the point where Ryder agreed to take Molly off his uncle's hands for a while. I kept waiting for him to be all like "I'm gay, so get off my back", but it seemed to be very important to his parents that he keep it in the closet. Ryder didn't seem to give a shit what his parents thought, but for whatever reason, abided by this. I kept waiting for something to happen to justify something, and this almost non-existent reveal at the end just didn't cut it. Somebody had an idea for a story that could have possibly been developed into something coherent, if not intriguing. However, it was apparently decided the movie be made before that could happen. Of course, they clearly had no problems getting in a scene with a little girl being sexual, so, mission accomplished, I guess...? 4/10



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The Drop 2014

Tom Hardy and James Gandolfini are Brooklyn bartenders with some very minimal organized crime connections. Well, at least Tom Hardy wants to steer clear of it, though Gandolfini still revels in his glory days of being respected. When the bar gets robbed, the mob expects our guys to get the money back, but the police are also inching closer to all these illegal activities. Meanwhile, Hardy finds an abused puppy in a woman's trash, and things go from promising to shady real quick.

So far, I've been pretty vague with the plot and I'll leave it at that. It's kind of a slowburner, performance-driven, and basically just a good fuckin' movie. Tom Hardy is cool. James Gandolfini was great. I miss him, and this movie came out a year after his death. Apparently the last movie he dropped before dropping himself, but what a movie it was.

A highlight of the crime challenge. Good shit.

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Dog Day Afternoon 1975

Based on a true NYC bank robbery in 1972, this movie is often regarded as one of the classics, but you don't hear people talk about it that often. Al Pacino was on fire back then. You could tell he was young and hungry, but is the movie as good as they say? Eh, I guess so.

You can tell this movie was a huge influence on Airheads (1994). The hostage situation that garners fans and sympathy while the police try to handle it.

This movie also has Chris Sarandon as a super gay, Charles Durning as the police guy, John Cazale as Sal the co-robber, and Lance Henriksen as another cop. His appearances are brief, but he's bad-ass. His part in in this movie is probably why they wanted him as a Terminator. He blends in. Regular yet creepy. A killing machine.

Yeah, it's a good movie movie. I'd buy it for a dollar.

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Avenging Angelo 2002

What the fuck was this? BAD Stallone! Bad!

I don't even know what to say about this movie. It's a romance that isn't charming. It's a comedy that isn't funny. It's an action movie that's boring as hell.

I'm glad I never blind-bought this, otherwise I'd have to avenge myself.

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