Road House (2024)

This turned out to be a pretty solid flick. Gyllenhaal is the suave drifter taking on a bouncer gig at the Florida "Road House", and Conor McGregor plays the cocky belligerent asshole out to terrorize the place on his boss's behalf. Seriously, what a real prick that guy, and probably not too far from how he is in real life, always strutting around smiling and beating up everyone in sight.

Same old story you've seen before, but good performances and good fight scenes. No roundhouse kicks, though, as far as I'm aware.

#Review

Southland Tales (2006)

What the fuck was that? I guess the director got really full of himself after a few people thought Donnie Darko was "hip" and "cerebral", so what does he do? He turns his artsy-fartsy high-concept sci-fi shtick to 11 with this bizarre soap opera. And guess what? I don't get it.

Lots of people in this movie though. How did he convince everybody to join this POS?

Honestly, it's not unwatchable. It's even slightly amusing at times, but it's still too complicated and weird me to consider it a good movie.

#Review

Things 5 (2019)

Remember that thread I did about all the alleged sequels to 1989 Canuxploitation masterpiece known as THINGS? Well this is one of them, and no, it's not the 5th sequel. This here is part 8, because continuity is but a mere mental construct. Naturally, this movie wont have anything to do with OG Things movie, and probably nothing in common with the other no-brainer half-assed pieces of shit they think they can pass off as a Things sequel these days.

So this movie starts out for a morning run. This woman has a constricting sports bra on, but don't be fooled. She's blatantly flat-chested, and yet this scene lingers for so long. Then she gets home and loads up on carbs, eating a pizza that appears to have been sitting out for some amount of time. Then she chats on the phone for a while and decides to take a shower. This goes on for a while, because pacing doesn't mean anything to some directors. Eventually, she gets out of the shower and is murdered by a mutated monster in a lab coat for some reason, and the effect is as confusing as it is inadequate.

There was no reason to follow this character for as long as we did. The director must have been in love with her. What follows is a bunch of fat women laying topless in bed talking on the phone about stuff. Meanwhile, that monster/scientist is running around and fuck me... I just watched this fucker today and I feel like my brain is doing me a favor by repressing the memory.

Also, this movie isn't poorly filmed and shot on VHS and grainy and dubbed hard to make out what's happening on the screen and it doesn't have weird mind-boggling music. If you're not gonna go the extra effort to be extra shitty, then what's the point?

This movie can go to hell. I wish I never experienced Things 5.

#Review

Dark Harvest (2023)

What the fuck was this shit? I'm a sucker for anything Halloween-related, and the movie is very polished and professional looking, but story-wise? It's a rip-off of Pumpkinhead, only more bizarre and less charming.

So as the beginning of the movie will show you, teenagers form a mob every Halloween night in this rural Gatlin-esque Children of the Corn type game they're supernaturally forced to play (is one way of putting it). The mob of jocks hunts the dangerous monster Sawtooth Jack, and whoever kills him gets to leave this cornfield city in a fancy new car. So this one jock does it by beating Sawtooth Jack to death, and then everyone surrounds him and eats his guts because they taste sweet and juicy. And that's just the first five minutes!

Doesn't matter, he revives all the time and they keep doing this to stop a family curse or some bullshit. The main protagonist teenager jock and his girlfriend think this plot is convoluted and stupid too, so they try to get out of the small town, but certain parties don't want to allow that, for some other contrived reason relating to the family curse plot. Yeah, I can't follow it either.

This movie exists for some reason.

#Review

Sugar Boxx (2009)

Another women in prison movie. It intends to be a throwback, but it's far too amateur for that. In fact, this movie isn't ambitious at all. If you're going to make an exploitation throwback, why the hell would you make it so tame and boring? What's the fucking point?

I hate it when some chump with no good ideas and a lot of money is able to sway quality trash talent into very subpar projects. Talent like Jack Hill, Kitten Natividad, and Tura Santana. Then again, this movie seemed to have a shit budget because it's a "women in prison" movie, but there is no prison. They didn't even try to suggest it. This "prison" is like some rich dude's house in L.A. and every room and jail cell are just bedrooms. The women are in bikinis when they're poolside in that LA backyard, or they are dressed liesurely.

Yes, I know... this movie sounds awesome. It's just so damn boring, though. I did like this bit at the end when this rent-a-cop looking ally of the girls killed. As he lay dying, the girl gives him a blowjob as a parting gift, because he's earned it, god damnit! And as he is bleeding out, he's hard enough to cum in like 5 seconds! Of course, they don't show anything at all because this movie fucking sucks, but it's the thought that counts, right? Anyone?


Yeah, fuck this movie.

#Review

Reform School Girls (1986)

This one has been on my watchlist for about 10 years, so I figured I'd finally give in. Women in prison films are great because they feature a lot of women and a lot of exploitation. The plots are basically the same each time, with female inmates unable to expose corrupt prison antics, and this movie is no different. In fact, I can't even remember why the girl gets sent to this place to begin with, but that's not important. What's important are the many tropes of prison flicks, and we get plenty of them.


Our lead is Jenny (Linda Carol), and she's a total babe. IMDb wants us to believe that she was only 15 or 16 at the time this movie came out, but I refuse to believe that. She plays the strong-willed protagonist who will take the abuse if she needs to. And she totally gets naked.

Then you have that fat bitch on a power trip Edna (Pat Ast) out to ruin everybody's day just for the lulz. She reminds me of Nancy Parsons of Motel Hell and Porky's fame, with her smug and gloating nature. Nancy played "Ida" in Motel Hell, and Pat plays Edna in this, so there's also that.


There are plenty of hotties throughout, and even the warden has a bit of a Ilsa vibe going, but then there's one woman that's a little off.

Charlie (Wendy O. Williams) is at this alleged juvenile correction center, but she looks like she's 40! The actress is right around there too. When they say they'll double her sentence, they must have doubled it a lot! She's not a great actress, is she? I guess I refer specifically to when she dies and really milks it. I think all of her scenes are of her in skimpy attire like that. She doesn't know how to wear clothes.


So yeah, there is plenty of nudity in this movie. I really love when the lead gets topless, like in this and The Funhouse and maybe even a third movie. Plus, there's a shower scene and some other sex scenes. At one point, Jenny decides she needs this mediocre dude's "deposit", and said dude is played by James Staszkiel, who a lot of dumbasses believe was Eddie Van Halen in that scene in RoboCop where the unemployed guy is rambling about freedom not being free. He's not an attractive man, but Jenny was gushing for him.

When Lord? When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?^{have a hottie gushing over me?}

#Review

Reprisal (2018)

As far as DTV action/crime thrillers go, this one is pretty good. Anything with Frank Grillo gets the benefit of the doubt, and they threw in Bruce Willis too, because they all go DTV eventually.

Jacob (Frank Grillo) is a family-man banker who gets traumatized after a heist. Should he have tried harder to stop the robber? What could his sorry ass do anyway? Enter James (Bruce Willis), ex-cop neighbor with the resources to help Jacob's unofficial investigation into the whereabouts of this dickhead villain.

So Grillo doesn't play his usual bad-ass action hero self, and Willis plays a pretty reserved character (for the most part) who says a few things and stands around for most of his scenes. I'm not sure when his mental decline began, but I suspect it was around this time. For what it's worth, it's actually not a bad performance out of him. I'm sure the DTV action crap he did after this was far worse.

See it. Or don't. I don't give a shit.

#Review

Blackberry (2023)

A biopic of the guys who created the first smartphone. Jay Baruchel is the nerd who comes up with the idea, and Glenn Howerton is the bald businessman who makes it happen. There's still a lot of Dennis in his character, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The era is late 90s to late 2000s, which is when I was completely in the dark about cell phones. I didn't get my first phone till around 2014, so this movie was informative on how phone evolved throughout that era. And then how the blackberry empire collapsed.


Anybody ever have a blackberry device? Keyboard on the front, taking away all that screen space?

#Review

Hard Candy (2005)

Hayley (Ellen Page) lures suspected pedo Jeff (Patrick Wilson) into a trap. She wants to make him confess, but she also wants to fuck with him emotionally and ruin his life.

Sounds like a cool movie, right? However, I still ended up hating Hayley more than Jeff. I wish the bad guy got away in this one. Well, I guess he did.

#Review

Unlawful Entry (1992)

Michael (Kurt Russell) and Karen (Madeleine Stowe) live in a nice suburban home in LA, until an encounter with an intruder gets them all hot and bothered about home security. Enter Pete (Ray Liotta), the helpful police officer answering the call. He's so helpful, he gets a team to install security on the whole house. Yeah, there's not much he wouldn't do for Karen. Now, if only that asshole Michael wasn't in the picture...

A pretty good 90s thriller. You can't hate this movie because of the cast alone. I'm surprised I've never even heard of this movie until now. I'm so out of touch, it makes me sick.

#Review