Straw Dogs (2011)

I avoided this one for a while because I was annoyed at the remake trend. I think the 1971 film with Dustin Hoffman is one of his best. A pretty tense flick about locals hassling a timid guy and his hot wife on a retreat. 40 years later, they decided to remake it. It is based on a novel afterall, so it's more like a new adaptation rather than being a remake, right?

The newer version follows the same beats of the original. Dead cats, retards, home invasion, etc. It changes the setting from some English town to somewhere in the US south, but the rest is the same. This isn't really a problem though, because the cast is pretty good.

James Marsden plays our beta male writer, and his wife is Kate Bosworth. The local hillbillies eyeball her a lot, she teases them to get back at her timid husband, and things escalate.

Alexander Skarsgard is the main one of that group, and he's a cool mofo. You know he's up to something, but every time they confront him about it, he's all apologetic and "sincere". And then you have James Woods as a crazy drunk! And a small appearance by Walton Goggins? This movie is shaping up pretty nicely...


What's a bit hard to swallow is James Marsden being a wimpy chump. We all know he played Cyclops, and Cyclops banged Famke Jansen's Jean Grey. That means he's an alpha male all the way. I was watching Goldeneye the other day, and she plays the sex-crazed villain who tries to crush Bond with her legs all the time. I would let her sex/murder me anytime.

Fortunately near the end, ol' Cyclops remembers that he's alpha and starts kicking some ass. Overall pretty decent.

#Review

Beverly Hills Cop 4

For a quick recap, I thought the original 1984 movie was okay. I liked the second (1987) one more because it had bigger action and I specifically remember eating Papa John's pizza when I first saw it. Pizza makes any movie-watching experience a thousand times better, and that's science. And when it comes down to the third, I'm pretty sure everybody hated part 3 (1994) . Somehow, John Landis dropped the ball on that one, but he would make a triumphant return to form with his next movie... The Stupids (1996).

I actually caught that movie on cable when it came out. So their last name is "Stupid"? As a kid, that was hilarious to me. As an adult, though? Still hilarious. Tom Arnold is a great dumb-ass. I remember watching Big Bully a lot when i was a kid, too. That's where he bullies Rick Moranis all the time, because why wouldn't he? Rick Moranis is a small guy with glasses.

There was a small bit with Tom Arnold on The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode that I always thought was hilarious. He downs the can of peaches like it's a normal thing to do.

There was a Reddit thread I found with an amusing story. Some guy at a con asked him about that scene and Tom Arnold responds:

Honestly, I have no idea why they did that. When I signed on, they asked if I would be okay with them exaggerating who I am. I was all for it which is funny because I get fans asking me 'You know they are making fun of you right?' and I have to remind them 'Uh, yeah. I mean, I read the script. I'm voicing myself. I get the joke and it was funny.' But the peaches? I don't have a clue what that was about. I think it was the writers just having fun or something. Never understood it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheSimpsons/comments/11tg4v7/i_asked_tom_arnold_about_the_peaches_joke_in/


So yeah, it was a fun movie. Beverly Hills Cop 4 would have been a 5 star movie, but where were the bananas? Where was the laugh? 4 stars. 😠

#Review

Hard Target (1993)

Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo play a couple of a rich assholes who like to hunt the homeless. They promise them a fat wad of cash, give them a head-start and a safe-zone destination, and off they run... The game goes well for a while, until they make one big mistake. They go after...

Jean-Claude Van Damme. And he has a mullet!

So some damsel in distress comes along and ropes a very capable drifter (JCVD) into an investigation on her father's death, and things kinda work their way to a bunch of great action scenes with loads of explosions and high kicks to the face.

Seriously, he uses gasoline to explode a lot of stuff. He's also a bit of a dick, like when he kills Sven-Ole Thorsen's henchman character.

And no, that isn't a spoiler, because Sven dies in just about every movie he's in. He rules.

So, JCVD shoots him a bunch in the torso. He's a goner for sure, but he still deserves one good kick in the face, right? And for no reason really. JCVD made this one kinda personal, huh?

What a cheesefest sometimes. JCVD is almost superhuman in this. Wilford Brimley uses a bow and arrow. Lance Henriksen has a prominent role and is properly utilized. Ted Raimi cameos.

The hunting concept is actually a bit unnerving at times. A competently made action flick with a blob of macho cheese added. If you're anything like me (and I really hope you aren't), then you'll eat all that cheese and asks for more. Part 2, coming up...

#Review

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

From a cinematic point of view, this movie is basically perfect. It's got all those long slow takes where you see how sweaty everyone is, because they're all method actors. They're really sweating out there in the spaghetti west.

Charles Bronson plays the ultimate man, using the sexy slutty chick to his advantage while Henry Fonda and Jason Robards fight about railroads or something. If you get insomnia and have 3 hours to kill, this movie is for you.


I remember finding the fat keep-case dvd in walmart's $5 bin in the early days of dvds and thinking to myself how I was one step closer to becoming that smug arrogant film snob I so yearned to be.

Bronson was the coolest. Very moody movie. Almost trippy even, with that great/grating harmonica and score. This movie is Italian as fuck. Watch now in 4K where you can see everyone's faces in super high-def closeups.

#Review

Flyboys (2006)

For War Week, I only watched a few. I hadn't seen this one yet, nor any WWI movie for all I know, so why not? It turned out pretty good, too. Even for a PG-13 movie.

Franco joins the French military as they're trying to utilize and weaponize these new flying things called "airplanes". Pretty entertaining overall, and a few scenes stuck with me.

SPOILERS

When they first fly into the air against enemy planes, that one guy gets his plane shot down, and he crashlands his plane as best as he can... and actually survives. Yay! He gets out and the enemy aircraft sees him and guns him down. Poor fuck. I mean, this was "inspired" by a true story, right?

I also thought the last straw in that ending air fight, when Franco flies up next to the smug enemy pilot, pulls out his pistol, and shoots that asshole in the face? Bad-ass!

#Review

The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

The Phantom of the Opera is like Dracula or Frankenstein. They're all in the public domain, so there are a lot of them. Any other notables besides the following?

1925 - Silent film, iconic, Lon Chaney's weird makeup, colorized ballroom scene, solid old school stuff.
1943 - Universal one with Claude Rains. He was cool, though always more renowned as The Invisible Man. Not bad, but not as memorable.
1963 - Hammer one with Herbert Lom, one of Hammer's less boring entries.
1998 - Dario/Asia Argento version, because you knew he needed to make one. I don't think I've seen this.
2004 - Shoemaker musical with Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. I haven't seen this.



Today, I'll be rambling for a moment on the 1989 version. This one is directed by Dwight Little right after he did Halloween 4. Robert Englund is the phantom and he's a real slimy prick. His face is disfigured, and he actually stitches flesh onto his own and covers it up with makeup. Pretty gross idea, huh? If I wasn't so jaded, this stuff would have probably grossed me out had I seen it back in the day.

An alternate title for the movie is "Freddy: The Musical", which makes me laugh. Fortunately, this movie isn't a musical, but Englund does come across quite Freddy-eque. He's ugly in both characters, and funny enough, he's also got super strength in this movie. I drew a parallel to Darkman with a theory on that, like how they severed some nerve and it resulted in his super strength from adrenaline or some crap like that. Like Phreddy^{The Fantom} straight-up punches into a guy to rip his heart out, and clean-cut decaps a guy with a knife. This shit is stupid, but it's fun.

And then you have the greatest ending trope of all time: It was all just a dream. Well, basically. It has a slight continuation, but most of it was a dream. Maybe? And they killed the phantom. Or did they? Don't know, don't care. Still a decent version of the story.

#Review

The Strangers: Chapter 1

The original 2008 film was a highly praised home invasion slasher when it came out. I was incredibly disappointed with that movie. The direction was terrible, the characters were lame as fuck, but at least the killers looked cool.

About 10 years later, they did a sequel, which was a hell of a lot better. If you've seen that movie, then you'll know that the strangers die at the end, so where can we go from here? Not just a prequel... but 3 prequels?

Renny Harlin is no stranger to the horror genre. For some reason, he decided he'd raise this franchise from the dead and he already filmed three movies out of it that he plans on shitting out within this year or next. And that's what I really mean, "shitting" them out, because what is this "Chapter 1" movie? It's basically a remake of the first movie with only a few minor differences. Otherwise, it hits the same beats. Yes, even the cliche and eye-rolling ones. It even steals the ending, as well as accidentally shotgunning an innocent person.

Obviously, we don't want a backstory for these stranger characters because we don't want to ruin the mystique. So instead of fleshing any of that out, they decided to try to make us care for our protagonists. Yeah, our generic cookie-cutter dull heroes that have "victim" written all over their foreheads.

When the action finally hits, I was a little too bored to care. I'd find myself laughing at their misfortunes and hoping the movie would have ended sooner, even if the runtime already isn't very long. All I can say is I hope the next ones don't suck, because what was the fucking point otherwise?

Also, this movie features Richard Brake. He plays a sheriff in a diner who has no lines and doesn't do anything, and we don't see him ever again after his cameo. I guess he'll be in the sequel(s)?

Fuck this movie.

#Review

Knuckles, the tv show

I didn't even know this was a thing until a few days ago. Paramount+ put out this spin-off for the Sonic the Hedgehog movies, featuring the return of Idris Elba as Knuckles.

Now, anybody who has ever played the Sonic games knows how they are. You run through levels dodging enemies and collecting rings. So how does that translate to a tv show?

Yeah, you guessed it! This show is all about... bowling! Some inept police officer (Adam Pally) in the smallest town in Montana sets out to win a bowling tournament against his dickhole father (Cary Elwes). Knuckles is also in there sometimes. This show is (not) just like the video games.

Yeah, whatever. I still thought it was funny.

#Review

GHOSTBUSTERS!

It only took me a month to get around to watching Part 4, but it was plenty of fun. We're finally back to busting ghosts in New York City, and our remaining original team has a bigger role this time around. Our characters from the previous movie are still the main focus, but Ray and Ernie have bigger parts. Bill Murray isn't in much, but he's definitely welcome, and I was happy to see William Atherton back as the asshole mayor. He hasn't learned anything over the years.

There's a lot going on in the movie and they have to juggle a lot of characters, including a few new ones. For the most part, they handled it pretty well. I didn't see any Sigourney Weaver and still no Rick Moranis, but at least we have Slimer and the marshmallows. And this movie even has a possessed bag of garbage, which adds to the trash factor.

There are a few headscratching moments, though. For as much fun as it was, there were still some incredibly stupid moments in the film. People know who the Ghostbusters are and they know what they do. Yet they still get arrested by the cops when the police SEE them fighting these goddamn ghosts that possess otherwise inanimate objects, and after everything supernatural that's happened in the past few films, that dipshit mayor is still trying to shut them down (and succeeds). Like, seriously? And even Winston is giving Ray the business, when he knows damn well that Ray doesn't fuck around when it comes to paranormal threats.

Still, plenty of interesting stuff going on and some good laughs throughout. Good times.

#Review

Double Dragon (1994)



In the 80s and 90s, there was an emergence of kid-friendly martial arts movies and video games that made every kid want to be a ninja. Karate Kid, Big Trouble in Little China, Showdown in Little Tokyo, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 3 Ninjas, you name it. Here is another one based on a video game, turned into a super cheesy action/adventure romp about two brothers in a gang-ridden "New Angeles" trying to stop a typical over-the-top mogul from taking over the city.

Our two leads are Scott Wolf (Billy) and Mark Dacascos (Jimmy), orphan teens living in the dystopian post-earthquake island formerly known as Los Angeles in the year 2007. Similar concept to Escape from LA which was set in 2013, isn't it? So Billy & Jimmy are tasked to protect a magical amulet and keep it out of the hands of the generic villain, because that's an easy enough plot for anyone to follow.

Robert Patrick (Koga) is our smug, bleach-blond villain. He can turn into a somewhat fluid shadow form and imitate others. I bet he's never played a role like that before, am I right?

Alyssa Milano (Marian) is here also, playing a punky gang leader working to keep the streets safe from the various lunatics and henchmen under the employ of our douchebag villain. Suffice to say, both of our lead protagonists like to gawk at her ass, because she's looking pretty fine in this movie. I'd like to watch the extended ending where the double dragons double team her, but that footage has yet to be recovered.

Yeah, it's a total cheesefest, but as a kid, I'm sure I would have loved it. Hell, even as an adult, I found it's retro-futuristic LA ninja-punk vibes to be surprisingly fun either way. And to make this movie legit, it features Al Leong as... you guessed it... a fucking henchman!

I give it 1 out of 2 half-medallions.

#Review