Terror At Blood Fart Lake (2009)



The films of Chris Seaver are for loving or for hating only. I doubt there's anyone out there who thinks his films are "just okay", or "kinda dumb". This guy will leave an impression one way or the other. And in the world of micro-budget filmmaking, that's quite rare, especially these days. The first Sevaer flick I ever saw was Terror At Blood Fart Lake. For years, I had heard about an earlier movie of his, Mulva Zombie Ass Kicker, and its reputation as one of the worst films ever made. But after reading a couple of positive reviews about one of Seaver's newest films, Terror At Blood Fart Lake, I finally thought it was time to give this guy a shot. Guess I was feeling a bit open minded that day.

So, I took a chance and bought the dvd. And when the day came that I finally watched it, I was far from pleased with my most recent purchase. This movie started out very annoying, and continued to get more and more annoying by the minute. I expected stupidity, considering the title, but this obnoxious shit really caught me off guard. I cracked not one smile for the 70-something minutes this film went for. I'm now fighting the urge to eject the dvd and break it right before it goes in the trash. I haven't thrown a dvd away since suffering through Meir Zarchi's Don't Mess With My Sister. And I watched all of that one, so, I figured I'd go aheadand see this one through, too. After it was over, I just stuck it in a drawer with the rest of the mistakes I've bought, and tried to forget. Oh, but I couldn't.

I kept thinking about how stupid this movie is, and how the idiot who made it, and the dumb fucks who starred in it, shouldn't be allowed to do anything like this ever again. And then, I thought to myself "I really need to see this, again". I don't know why. I just do. So, I open the drawer back up. Still stupid, still annoying. And a week or so later, I find myself watching it, again. Oh, shit! This has a commentary track. I gotta hear this. An explanation is definitely in order. So, I watch it again. But when listening to the commentary, which included Seaver, and 4 or 5 cast members, I found them all strangely likeable and entertaining to listen to. These people were all friends that just liked hanging out and making stupid B-movies together, who didn't take themselves one bit seriously. I can respect that. And while even Seaver admits to being a not so great director, It occured to me that some of the material, which he wrote, was absolutely hysterical, dare I say borderline genius. I finally got the joke. Chris Seaver and the LBP (Low Budget Pictures) gang finally won me over. And not only do I now want to see more of these movies, but I kinda want to hang out with these people. This is weird.

And of course, the next one I buy would be Mulva. Yeah. I totally had that one coming. That's a story better left for another day. Anyway, still excited about my discovery of this hilarious POS, I go on an Amazon shopping spree for any Chris Seaver films I can find. Not long after that, I owned about 15 LBP films. All awesome, all pretty bad. All ridiculous, but mostly in a good way. Some lower budgeted than others, depending on how old they were, but none quite as amazing as Blood Fart Lake. And years later, after seeing countless more of these, I still stand by that. But let me tell you about Terror At Blood Fart Lake.

This movie is just crazy. Wacky, silly, goofy and obnoxious as hell. Pretty damn vulgar, too. I can always understand why someone wouldn't like it. But there's just this upbeat charm about it. And a "we don't give a fuck" attitude that goes with it. Not much of a plot, really. 5 young people spend a weekend in a cabin by a a lake, owned by their pal, Hambone, who is killed in the first scene, shortly before they get there. His absence throughout the movie is barely acknowledged. The 5 young people consist of a loud yet friendly chick who has delusions of being an actress from the 30's, a 5,000 pound horny goth chick, her douchebag boyfriend who can't even get her name right, some idiot who only knows about 5 words, as well as some guy. Some guy is the main character, I guess. He seems completely out of place in this movie and seems dull compared to everyone else, because he's normal. That in itself is ammusing.

The ridiculous group is joined by who may be the funniest character in film history. An odd, feminine young man with an afro and abnormally large calves, named Caspian, forces his company on everyone and assures them he can be trusted since he "taught Hambone everything he knows", which is good enough for the gang. Besides the occasional killing by a masked scarecrow, not much happens to further the plot. Just Caspian and pals partying, talking about Ernest, and spouting some of the most ridiculous lines ever put to a script. Meanwhile, Thunder Ambrosia, a badass bitch with vengeance on her mind, is heading towards the cabin and hitches a ride from dumbass redneck, Leo DeChamp. These two bicker, flirt, say alot of stupid shit, and eventually take a fuck break where Thunder gets tons of fake-looking jizz sprayed all over her in what is one of the most pointless scenes in the movie, believe it or not. It's all pretty much pointless. But so much fun. The actors who portray Caspian and the gang continue to make asses of themselves, and clearly having a ball doing it. Hats off to the eccentric Josh Suire, who portrayed both Caspian and Leo. He really carried this movie, and made it far more entertaining than it should be. But considering there were no real actors in this movie (besides Ambrosia and Hambone), these guys actually did a really good job. At being funny more so than the acting. Which is far more important, anyway.

And so, that's where my Chris Seaver/LBP obsession started. Since 2009's Blood Fart Lake, Seaver has made many films, some of which are superior, quality-wise, but none have surpassed my first experience. A film I once hated so passionately now holds a special place in my heart for. For anyone who checks this out and likes what they see, you should also get a kick out of Wet Heat, Moist Fury, Sexquatch, Evil Dead Inbred Rednecks, Evil Night, I Spit Chew On Your Grave, Teenape Goes To Camp, and Deathbone, Third Blood Part VII: The Blood of Deathbone. All starring the same likeable non actors, along with the same spastic behavior, random weirdness, and vulgar humor, all from the mind of the great Chris Seaver. The most prolific and underrated B-movie director of the 2000's. A man whose fantastic ideas have long been ignored and shunned by most due to tiny budgets. But I believe that someday, the man will get noticed by the right person. And his crazy shit will finally get the recognition it deserves. Then someday, everyone will know of the greatness of Terror At Blood Fart Lake! 10/10



#Review #Slasher

Dark Shadows (2012)



I hate Tim Burton. I mean, I really just hate his movies. But the truth is, I hate his movies so much that I actually kind of hate the man a little as well. Not enough to wish brain cancer on him, or anything. Maybe kidney stones would be a fair compromise. But the point is, after all the annoying garbage I've sat through from Burton-Depp, I was willing to give their 2012 attempt at a Dark Shadows reboot an honest chance. Why? Because I'm fucking obsessed with the original TV show. And because Johnny Depp, an alleged fan, bought the rights after the death of Dan Curtis so he could persoanlly see to it that a decent remake would happen. Or so I heard. I'll be honest. I was dissappointed (although not surprised) when it was announced that Depp would be handing over the director's role to his life long soulmate, Tim Burton. But after interviews where both stated how much love they had for the 60's soap, and how they will give Dark Shadows a respectful homage. So, despite my better judgement, I started getting my hopes up a little. Perhaps Burton is going to think outside the box for a change, and actually show that he still has some talent/balls. Yeah. Denial. But I really wanted my Dark Shadows remake.

After months of speculation as to what direction they ultimately took, the trailer is finally revealed, which pretty much ended all speculation. I knew it was too good to be true. Tim Burton had gone and made yet another Tim Burton movie. All this trailer offered was wacky, corny gags, and a pussy-goth tone with a slight glimmer of what made the original interesting. I knew that's all it would end up being because it was in fact a Tim Burton movie, but I held on to a little denial, and still saw this in the theater, looking for a little love for the original to shine through, and maybe not as much silly horse shit as the trailer implied. I can be so naive.

Actually, this movie started out very promising. And somehow managed to pull off a more than decent ending. It's just that pesky 97& of the movie that got in the way. We begin in 1760. The Collins family of England, along with their young son, Barnabas, arrive in Maine to expand the Collins empire. Over the years, a mansion called Collinwood, and a town called Collinsport are built, which are made possible by the Collins fishing company. They go on to rush through a backstory which was originally a storyline from the tv show that made up close to 100 episodes, and wrapped it up in just under 10 minutes, leaving out detail after detail, which might have made us viewers give a little bit of a fuck about the few remaining characters they decided not to cut out.. Basically, Barnabas the play boy screws around with the maid, Angelique, whilst making it clear he's just having some fun, and that he's in love with another. Angelique is a jealous, obsessive witch, and doesn't take rejection lightly. Soon, Barnabas' parents end up dead. Not long after that, Angelique casts a spell on Barnabas' true love, Josette, forcing her to commit suicide by jumping off Widow's Hill.

As Barnabas fails to prevent this, he immediately loses all will to live, and jumps to his death as well. And before he dies, Angelique shows up and makes him a vampire simply by willing it to happen, which is beyond ridiculous. They could have easily had her make a cgi-bat appear, and bite him, but whatever. its not like this is anywhere near the stupidest thing that happens. And in the closing moments of the short-lived 1700's part of the movie, Barnabas is shoved in a coffin and buried underground by angry, vampire hating townspeople. I get that they couldn't squeeze in all the details of this storyline, so, adjustments had to be made, but it all just seems so rushed and meaningless.

And we now skip to nearly 200 years later, in 1972. Victoria Winters (aka Maggie Evans) is on a train heading towards Collinsport, as she's just gotten herself a job as a governess at Collinwood. She will be working for Barnabas' descendants, teaching and looking after young David Collins, who I guess is supposed to be a rip off of the Sixth Sense kid. How Barnabas has descandents is unclear, although, explained in the show. Just saying. As soon as Victoria arrives at Collinwood, it's all downhill from there. The silly one liners, misunderstandings and jokes that haven't been funny since the early 90's are clearly here to stay. This becomes more and more obvious as Victoria is introduced to each member of the family, who are all portrayed as mysterious, yet wacky. Later on, Barnabas is accidentally released from his coffin by construction workers, and immediately heads back home to Collinwood. And this is followed by one of the more noticeable changes made which makes this an all together different story. After meeting Elizabeth, Barnabas confesses to Elizabeth who/what he is, and guarantees everyone's safety. Pledging his undying loyalty to the family. Lame.

Things get even worse when it is revealed how down on their luck the now hasbeen Collins family have become. Angelique didn't stop with Barnabas. She's been tormenting and sabatoging the family ever since. She even has a rival fishing company called "Angel Bay", which has all but run the Collins' out of business. It's still Collinsport, and they still got their Collinwood, but the family is very much a shell of what it once was. Barnabas is now determined to restore the greatness his family once enjoyed. But once Angelique becomes aware of the emergence of her #1 obsession... Well, things are only going to get more and more stupid. Carolyn Stoddard is a scowling, sarcastic little bitch, Willie Loomis is a drunken half wit, the maid is 10,000 years old, Julia Hoffman, who is also a drunk, sucks off Barnabas, original cast members make an almost unnoticeable cameo, and Barnabas and Angelique end up destroying a room whilst fucking. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Somewhere in there, there is a good movie. It was possible, even with that abysmal script. Depp was capable of playing a decent Barnabas, and Burton was always capable of doing a decent Dark Shadows. Even if it still hadn't been the ideal remake for the fans. This movie is for nobody, except maybe those who absolutely worship Tim Burton. As one dimensional as these characters are, alot of the actors who portrayed them were not bad at all. Michelle Pfieffer was a fine choice for Elizabeth, as well as the actors who attempted to portray Roger, and Victoria. It was Helena Bonham Cater's pathetic, uninspired portrayal of Dr. Julia Hoffman, and that butterface, Eva Green who is nowhere near the same league as Lara Parker. Both, horrible. Although, I say Carter (aka Mrs. Burton) was the worst of the two. I get a strong feeling she's never seen the show before. Actually, it's very believable that most of the cast had never heard of the show before the idea for this unbelievable piece of shit came to be.

I don't hate everything about this movie. There's some beautiful locations, very nice cinematography, an okay score, at times. But Tim Burton's Dark Shadows is so purposely dumbed down, it's mind blowing. Besides coming off more like a dysfunctional Addams Family, they waste so much time which could be dedicated to the multiple storylines and characters who are given zero depth, or to the history of Collinwood and the Collins family which was such a big part of the show. But instead, they plow into our heads over and over again that Barnabas is from the distant past, and he doesn't know how stuff works in the 1970's. I believe it's called a "fish out of water" story. Tim Burton really thinks this is funny. and he must also think it's funny to switch things around, and make certain characters and turn of events as different from the show as possible, seemingly just to do it. Barnabas can walk around and exist during the day. Most of the movie is actually during the day which is dumb. In the original, Barnabas dealt with much guilt over the things he did. In this one, he's comically unphased by his cartoonish killings, which were non-factors. And one of the most noticeable changes to a fan of the original is how the Collins family business is such a major part of the movie, while in the show, it was rarely and vaguely mentioned. Nobody cares about the fucking Collins business, you idiots! I swear! They might as well have just called it "Not Dark Shadows".

This movie comes off as an attempt by Depp and Burton to piss off as many Dark Shadows fans as they can, But I know that's not the case. These guys really thought they could cater exclusively to the younger crowd like they always do, while claiming they're doing the exact opposite, without the fans of the original even noticing. Which makes them both not only greedy motherfuckers, but stupid motherfuckers as well. It wouldn't be so infuriating had they not lied their asses off from the beginning. Dark Shadows (2012) had potential to make a lot of people a lot of money, but ended up a lose-lose situation due to small minded, corporate greed, and a massive underestimation of an already built-in fanbase. The fans get shat upon, and the casual teenage movie goer barely notices. Therefore, nobody makes any money. So, everyone loses! A disaster which could have been avoided, had Depp and Burton used a little common sense and made this movie atleast partly for the fanbase they claimed to be a part of. Now, a real Dark Shadows remake is very much out of the question, and will be for a long time to come, because the Dark Shadows brand has no doubt lost all credibility thanks to Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. Yeah. Thanks alot, you stupid fuckin' cunts! 1/10



#Review

Terminator Genisys (2015)



Where do I begin? There's just so much to like and dislike about this one. It's difficult to form an opinion, or even come up with a fair rating. Firstly, this fifth installment (and semi-remake) of the Terminator franchise is a fun, action-packed movie which does try to give the Terminator fans everything they've wanted since 1991's Terminator 2. Well, it didn't exactly work out that way. Although, I think we can all agree that Genisys makes up for the dull, lackluster flop that was Salvation. Although, this one has its own problems. But also one big problem they both have in common. a PG-13 rating. So, once again, we're stuck with a Terminator movie which lacks the bleak, apocolyptic tone of the first two. As well as realistic profanity, decent violence and Arnold's ass. You can't have everything. But a fun movie with a fascinating concept nonetheless. But what we have here is a movie which was designed to cash in on a (hopefully) dying reboot trend, and at the same time, attempt to not piss off the longtime Terminator fans. Technically, Termintor Genisys is a reboot of the original movie. Yet, events from that movie are referenced. Therefore, this movie is no reboot. Let me explain.

With the exception of Salvation, all past Terminator movies are based on time travel. Yet, time travel was never a big part of the story. In this one, it is. In Genisys, we begin with what looks to be the culmination of the war against the machines, in 2029. The human race, led by John Connor, has defeated Skynet, the self-aware computer which nearly destroyed humanity decades earlier. Skynet makes one last attempt at saving itself. It sends a T-800 back to 1984. A time before John Connor was born. This T-800 has been programmed to track down and destroy John Connor's mother to be, Sarah Connor, which would erase John's existence all together. Erasing all he's done to take Skynet down. John Connor and the resistance learn of this attempt, and must quickly decide what to do. It's decided to send one of their soldiers, and John's good friend Kyle Reese, into the past to locate and hopefully destroy the T-800 and save Sarah, thus saving John, and all their progress. Sound familiar? Sure, it does. But this is where things get complicated.



At some point in the future, there has been more time travel that everyone is unaware of. Terminators have been sent back about a decade before the events of the first movie. A T-1000 has killed the parents of little Sarah Connor. And before it can get to her, a T-800 is sent by an unknown person to rescue Sarah, and to remain her guardian up until the events of the first movie. And this T-800, affectionally known as "pops", is also training Sarah into the badass bitch we remember from T2. Okay. Well, not exactly THAT Sarah. But damn, she's hot. The point is, the Sarah Connor Kyle is expecting no longer exists, as well as the 1984 we remember from the original movie. Everything's changed. The events of the original movie, as well as everything that happened afterwards, is gone. Or I guess it still exists somewhere in another timeline. Although, I doubt it even matters because regardless of how things go in this movie, I'm pretty sure we'll never get to see how things ended up in the original timeline. Which is one of my biggest gripes about this movie.

Pops has long since filled Sarah in on how things originally played out, including the T-800 sent back to 1984, as well as the fact that Kyle is to be the father of her unborn child, as well as his eventual demise at the hands of the T-800. But with this knowledge, and plenty of time to prepare, things can potentially go alot smoother this time around. And for a while, they do. Sarah, and Pops, who has aged drastically since 1974, quickly take out the T-800 before he has a chance to kill anyone. And soon, they catch up with Reese, who has ran into a much bigger problem than he expected. A T-1000 has found him, and is about to end him before an interesting twist of fate where he is saved by Sarah Connor. After lengthy discussion, filling Kyle in on exactly what the hell is going on, together, the three of them (a little too) easily dispose of the T-1000 in a very fun little scene. Well, that was easy. What next?





Well, Pops has been working on a time machine, which can now be completed using the chip from the T-800. He sends Sarah and Kyle to the year 2017 to prevent Judgement Day. Sarah is skeptical because it's been common knowledge from the beginning that Judgement day happens in 1997, except in Terminator 3, where it happened in 2004 for some reason. But that movie has been ignored all together, so, whatever. 2017 it is. But what they discover when they get there, none of us expected. That us, unless you watched the trailer and had it spoiled like pretty much everyone did.

As a longtime Terminator fan, there is an equal amount I loved and hated about this film. In a way, it succeeds in being the ultimate Terminator sequel, but also takes a big fat shit all over the Terminators of the past, erasing them from existence not unlike a traditional reboot. And also, the major cons for me, besides the lack of violence and the obvious catering to a younger audience, is the new John Connor and Kyle Reese. I can live with this new John with his big chin becuase every one of these movies has featured a different John Connor. But the new Kyle doesn't remind me of the original even a little bit. On the other hand, the choice made to replace Linda Hamilton with Game Of Thrones's Emilia Clarke, was a wise one. She actually does look a little like Hamilton. Nice, big lips and all. She's great. Really, she is. But she's kind of portrayed as a know-it-all little twat, who provides most of the cute one-liners. Yeah. I really miss the T2 version of Sarah. But it's not so bad. Like I said. she's got them nice, big dicksuckers.

Ultimately, Terminator Genisys is enjoyable if you don't put too much thought into what they've done to the story, or compare it to the first 2 installments. Instead just be grateful they didn't pick up where they left off with Salvation. A movie so unpopular that a new beginning has been forced upon us. But hey! We've got Arnold back, as well as Sarah. Kyle Reese lives, and Nick Stahl is nowhere to be found. And despite raping the franchise, Genisys is okay with me. 6/10



#Review

Bat Pussy (1973)



I've never been a big fan of the porno genre, myself. But I think I'm a little less of a fan after watching what I just watched. Although, calling this mess a porno would be a bit of a stretch. What this really is is the pinnacle of unintentional WTF filmmaking. The ultimate abomination from the bottom of the barrel. A film so terrible, only the most hardered of bad movies lovers could withstand it. an unintentional practical joke on anyone looking for some decent fapping material. And some might even call it boring. This is the one and only, Bat Pussy!

Bat Pussy begins seemingly in the middle of the movie, during an arguement between an ugly, and most likely drunk middle aged married couple. It's not entirely clear what they were babbling about due to sound issues and mumbling. But out of the blue, they take it to the bed and the ugly wife starts sucking the ugly husband's ugly, limp dick, which will remain limp for the entire duration of the film. Is he impotent? Was he THAT turned off by his 50 year old co-star ? Has he had too much to drink? Nobody knows. That's what I love about these types of movies. Nobody knows. But this is sort of a porno, so, he plays along and pretends to be hard, repeatedly uttering the phrase "Oh, God! That's what the picture in the magazine was!". I'm not entirely sure what he meant by that, but I'm pretty sure a crew member just burped.

Then after raising up and asking the director "what?" he quickly starts berating the wife for her lack of dick sucking skills. Only to push her away and bury his face in her crotch to "suck her pussy" (his words). Her response to this is "You motherfuckin' bastard! You don't know how to do nothin". Which is totally believeable since the man is starring in a porno (for the lack of a better word), and is still nowhere near erect.

These two go back and forth between berating eachother, kidding around and making sad attempts at getting each other off with their mouths, whilst spouting improvised horshsht like "Every time I ram my tongue up your pussy, it comes out your asshole! Now, what the fkn deal is that?". Meanwhile, a new character is added into the mix. Bat Pussy's super senses informs her about the shitty, old married couple trying to get it on, and she disapproves. "Nobody fucks around on Bat Pussy", she says, and she soon crashes their party, and almost immediately ends up in a head giving threesome, which I guess is suppoed to be the big payoff. so, we do get a dash of hotness near the end. Yet, that idiot's still as limp as ever. So, nobody ever actually gets fucked.

Despite not loving the genre, I've come cross alot of weird, terrible, disgusting pornos. This one is simply on another planet. In a class by itself. An unsexy as all hell trash anomaly that seemingly exists just to make you wonder why it does in fact exist. As well as why the people involved didn't just up and bail halfway through, and instead kept on going until this project was seen through. I must admit, I know very little about Bat Pussy, so, There's not really anything more I can say to make you understand what I've just seen.

Most of the badness and pointless WTFness comes from the insanely stupid dialogue blurted out by ugly, drunk trash with unfortunate genitalia, and what may or may not be attempts at humor. And it seems like they're trying to throw in a story here and there, but they never really commit. And I can't really blame them. After all, this IS a retarded porno with one limp dick, a bickering married couple, a jealous Bat Woman ripoff, no script, and no plan. And no redeeming qualities. Highly recommended! 2/10

And if you think I'm making all of this up, here's a few minutes of dialogue from this steaming puddle of jizz.



#Porn #Review

Color Me Blood Red (1965)



Color Me Blood Red was the last of the Lewis-Friedman produced Exploitation films of the 60's. Filmed in Sarasota, Florida in 1965, this final installment of Their groundbreaking Blood Trilogy was, for the most part, back to basics after the surprisingly successful epic, Two Thousand Maniacs. This new turkey would be a bit more simplistic like Blood Feast. But gorier, dumber, and while not nearly as legendary, alot more fun in my opinion.

Adam Sorg has many problems. One of which is that he's a complete douchebag who is always picking on his stupid but hot girlfriend for no reason. He also seems to always be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Adam is wound tighter than a cheap watch, as they say. Even daily water-bike rides on the ocean outside his sweet beach house isn't enough to make this dickhole happy. Worst of all, Adam Sorg is a famous painter who has seemed to have lost his touch, and hasn't put out anything worth bragging about in some time. Pressure from his art dealer forces Adam to think outside the box, and come up with something truly original.

And when he accidentally cuts his finger on a nail, it finally comes to him. Blood is a really beautiful shade of red. So much so, that he could probably get away with using it to paint any piece of sh!t he wants and it would probably be a big hit. Which actually turns out to be the case. After hours of using his own blood, and nearly passing out, Adam is once again, forced to think outside the box. And since the stupid, hot girlfriend has been exceptionally irritating today, and she is HERE, why not just stab her in the head, drain her of all blood, and bury the corpse apprroximately a foot and a half in the sand outside on the beach? Holy bananas! Sounds like a plan! But then again, there's not THAT much blood in the human body. So, this might have to become a regular thing. And being that Adam is a douchebag who has recently gone insane, it seems about the right time for a killing spree.

Color Me Blood Red is most everyone's third favorite of the trilogy. But unlike the previous two installments, the so bad it's goodness seems to come solely from the ridiculous dialogue written by Lewis and Friedman in a matter of hours. And it shows.Jokes so unfunny that they're actually kind of funny. The mad painter teasing "F words" and "S words", yet never delivering for seemingly no reason. Dialogue that sounds like it was written by old people who watched too much Leave It To Beaver. Take away the gore and Color Me Blood Red IS Leave It To Beaver. I don't know about you, but I love that show. And I love gore. As long as it took this movie to grow on me, I've come to appreciate it for what it is. Color Me Blood Red is a perfect example of a bad movie being so oblivious to how lame and silly it is, that it's actually a little endearing. This isn't Herschell's worst be a mile, but still bad in all the right ways.

But in such a bad movie with bad dialogue, one would think the acting would leave a little to be desired. But not so. Especially our bloodthirsty villain, theater actor, Gordon Oas-Heim. By far, the most talented actor to play a villain in a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie. Not that that's saying much. Just sayin'. Some time before this film's release, Herschell Lewis and his long time producer parted ways, Herschell would go on to direct several more gore films. Some better than this one, and some worse. But none would have that special Florida gore magic of Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs, and Color Me Blood Red. As corny as it may be, at times, this film was the end of an era. 6/10



#Review

Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)



Every great Horror franchise must come to and end. And for Friday The 13th, that would be part 4. "The Final Chapter" arrived in 1984. And a hell of a final chapter it was. The best of the series, some still say. This film had it all. Tits, gruesome kills, Crispin "the dead fuck" Glover. And it was actually pretty scary. But most of all, it gave us Friday The 13th fans closure. So, anyway. By 1985, The greedy dicksuckers at Paramount wanted another sequel. Preferably a resurrected Jason, or possibly a returning Corey Feldman, taking over as "the new Jason". Unfortunately, neither scenario became reality. But this movie was to happen either way. Because Paramount demanded more... of something.



The original plan for Friday The 13th Part V was to bring back the kid who killed Jason didn't exactly go as planned due to Mr. Feldman being too busy filming The Goonies at the time. But he was available for a cameo which we see in the opening scene. It's a stormy night, and for some reason, young Tommy Jarvis is hanging out in the woods. The boy watches in terror while grave robbers dig up his worst nightmare. And continues to watch as Jason Voorhees once again rises from the dead and slaughters said grave robbers. Frozen with fear, the kid watches as Jason walks towards him with his machete which some idiot buried with him. And just as Jason is about to get even with his destroyer, Tommy wakes up. But he's no longer Corey Feldman. He's not even a kid any more. But he is blonde, now. So, that's good. However, he's now semi-insane and on his way to a halfway house/semi-asylum called Pinehurst. That's bad. But good for us viewers. At Pinehurst, they got hot chicks, all with various breast sizes, a white-trash/hillbilly mother and son who ive next door, and look suspeciously close in age, a wiseass kid named Reggie the wreckless, who happens to have a big brother named Demon, who lives near by in his van with his bitch. If you ever need any enchilladas or jewelry, he's your man.

https://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/fridaythe13th/images/1/13/78404-6836.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130629174102 A key member of the Pinehurst gang, an unwanted sack of fat shit named Joey, who no one seems to have much patience for, makes the mistake of offering Vic a candy bar while he was busy chopping wood. And informing him that he's out of line when Vic yells at him. The nerve of this guy! Of course Vic is going to stick that axe in his back and end his miserable life. How else is Joey going to learn some manners? It does suck that Joey's dead because more scenes involving him would have only added to the campiness that lies before us. But I guess he's better off dead. Although, somebody doesn't think so. Back to the new Tommy. This guy doesn't say much of anything. And has no desire to know any of these Pinehurst weirdos. He just wants to stand around and stare at mirrors, and have hullucinations of Jason. He seriously needs to get over that shit. I mean, he DID win, after all I guess his presence at this place is somehow supposed to make things easier. But someone is going around killing gay greasers and coke heads using some very familiar methods. Is Jason back from the dead? Is Tommy more damaged than we thought? Is someone so pissed off about Joey's murder that they're going around killing everyone except the guy who murdered him? Now, that wouldn't make much sense.

But who cares? What about that one sex scene? You know the one I'm talking about. Debi Sue Voorhees and that guy who has to go wash up after only 30 seconds of pounding her sweet vagina whilst her glorious, milky white tits bounce up and down. As hot as it was, I would have preferred this scene to go on another half hour, but Debi Sue gets her eyes cut out by some ass hole who apparently doesn't like amazing tits. so, that's the end of that. THAT being the peak of the entire Friday The 13th series. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.



Meanwhile, back at Pinehurst. Tommy isn't doing so well. Demon got it good in the out house, the hillbilly mother & son got sent to Heaven with Demon and his bitch, Pinehurst residents are dropping like flies, and seemingly nobody else is getting laid for the rest of the movie. I sure do wish that one scene was still going on. But you can't beat this type of bloody 80's action. Especially now that there's a rainstorm going on now that shit's now gotten real. just like in Tommy's nightmare. Nice touch, I think. But again. Is it Tommy who is doing this? It's starting to seem like it.

Despite being far better than it has any right to be, this film has gained an unnecessary amount of criticism over the years, and is wrongfully considered the black sheep or just the flat out worst installment of the franchise by many, simply because a certain reoccuring character took the night off. Thanks to exploitation director, Danny Steinmann, This movie does offer something a little different, though. but not too different. All the elements which we all love about the past installments are present. But with a higher bodycount, better/funnier characters, and a sleazy B-movie atmosphere never before seen in a Friday The 13th film. The killer even wears a hockey mask. To some, A New Beginning may have been the slump of the series, and a lazy way of making a few bucks off a once thought dead franchise. But in my opinion, this is not only one of the mast entertaining 80's Slashers out there. But arguably the last great Friday The 13th film. 7/10



#Review #Slasher

She would kill to be famous...

Starry Eyes is one of those overlooked horror films that kicks you in the nuts when you see it. Hard. The premise involves Sarah (Alex Essoe), a struggling actress who can't seem to catch a break. Her waitress job is demeaning, her crowd bugs the hell out of her, and her auditions for roles always wind up duds. What's a girl got to do to get a role these days?

To be vague, the film is a slow-burn descent into madness and the pressures of fame. Our lead actress Alex Essoe is fine as hell, and she should be enough reason for any straight male to watch, but this film doesn't forget that it's a horror film, and it turns into a bloodbath. Fucking brutal, to say the least.

#Review

The Uh-Oh Show (2009)

The Uh-Oh Show is the 8th gore film of Herschell Gordon Lewis.

And his first Florida-shot gore film since 1967's The Gruesome Twosome .A film that took far too long to get released. And when it finally did, it just didn't cut it, in my opinion. Sounds like a good one when you read about it, but as cartoonish and crazy as it is, it just falls a bit flat. This movie is about a popular game show called The Uh-Oh Show, where contestants can win big, as well as lose big. Answer correctly, and win millions. answer incorrectly, and win mutilations. An arm, a leg. Whichever bodypart it lands on when they spin the wheel, gets hacked off.

Highlights include another hilarious performance from the legendary Joel D. Wynkoop as the greedy and sadistic TV executive, Fred Finagler as well as a cameo by Troma founder, Lloyd Kaufman.

Oh, and gore, of course. I appreciate what ol' Herschell was going for with this, as well as the obvious parody of TV networks and their desperation to boost ratings by any means necessary. As mediocre as most of the cast was, the eager contestants were amusing with their over the top perormances. Still grinning from ear to ear even after getting dismembered, being that they were just happy to be on TV. In a way, this is a typical HGL story, as it has the same comedic tone as classics such as Two Thousand Maniacs and The Gore Gore Girls.

This is a film I've been meaning review for the longest time, but just couldn't come up with the words. I really wanted to love The Uh-Oh! Show, but it ain't gonna happen. I even have a hard time liking it at times, if only due to the high expectations I once had. Otherwise, it's not all that bad. Just not worthy of good 'ol H.G. And certainly not a worthy follow up to Blood Feast 2. This just seems more heavily HGL-inspired than it does an actual HGL flick. Although, the same could be said about Blood Feast 2. But atleast that one kicked as much ass as one would expect. It took forever for this to get a release, and once I saw it, it didn't take long to figure out why. The Uh-Oh Show is just underwhelming. It's funny, but not funny enough. It's gory, but not gory enough. It was worth watching, but it just wasn't worth the wait.

The films of Herschell Gordon Lewis have always been hit or miss. This one being a bit of a miss is nothing new. I guess we should all just be grateful to know the man is still around and still going at it. The future of the now 85 year old godfather of gore looks to be a bright one. Keep an eye out for his next gore epic, Bloodmania. Lewis' first zombie film. As for The Uh-Oh Show, any fan of the man should probably check it out, and very well may dig it more than I did. I do hope it finds an audience one of these days. The Uh-Oh Show was good, after all. Just not good enough. 4/10



#Review

Dirty Cop No Donut (1999)



I've always found the micro-budget, yet better-than-they-should-be films of Tim Ritter to be highly entertaining. Killing Spree, for the lack of a better word, is a classic. And the Truth or Dare series seems to still be the underseen gems they've always been. And I suppose the same could be said for Tim Ritter's 1998 Shot-On-Video Mock/Shockumentary comedy, Dirty Cop No Donut. An outlandish, and mean-spirited spoof of the TV show, Cops. A movie that could have easily ended up average at best, stars Tim Ritter's buddy. The one and only. The legendary Joel D. Wynkoop. A B-movie actor that started out rather mediocre in films like Killing Spree and Wicked Games. But as he got fatter and fatter over the years, his entertainment value would grow along with his waistline. And by 1998, Mr. Wynkoop would finally be fat and hilarious enough to play this wonderful role.

Gus Kimble is not a nice man. Gus Kimble isn't even a decent man. Somehow, this guy ended up with a badge. Whether or not it's his isn't all that clear. But he also has a gun. so people have to listen to him, right? Damn right!! Officer Gus Kimble, aka Officer Friendly is not in a good mood tonight. Despite the fact that he's on a rather large amount of cocaine, he "found" after "busting" a drug dealer under some rather unorthodox methods. On this night, you might want to stay out of trouble, because Officer Friendly can, and will abuse his power whenever and however the hell he wants, because he's on a serious power trip, and is very much out of donuts!

Tonight, Officer Kimball is bringing along a camera man so he can, once and for all, show the world the dangers and difficulties of his chosen profession. Officer Kimball, above all, prides himself in being a good cop, which clearly means he never has to pay for donuts, or hookers, or drugs or any damn thing for that matter. Officer Kimball prefers to avoid all that boring paper work, too and would rather dish out any necessary punishment the old fashion way, like going ape shit on drunk drivers and destroying their cars, tearing apart pawn shops due to a coked out tantrum, or even breaking into the house of a rapist and forcing him to castrate himself at gunpoint, and taking a piss on him just for fun. Whatever it takes to keep the streets safe, I guess.

A real treat from an extremely underrated director. Dirty Cop, in my opinion, is Tim Ritter's unsung masterpiece. And I assume, doesn't share the cult status of something like Killing Spree due to the fact that not nearly enough people have seen/heard of this. And I've always found Joel Wynkoop's work to be good shit. But after witnessing this performance, I now automatically laugh whenever I see him in anything. Dirty Cop was truly the role he was born to play. The backwards horse shit that come out of this guy's mouth, You just wouldn't believe. Wynkoop's portrayal of "controlling fat man on a coked-out rampage" is priceless humor that must be seen to be believed. Wynkoop's violent outbursts and hypocritical rantings absolutely had me in stitches. Joel, with his limited acting abilities and all, threw himself into this role 100%, and it looks like he had a lot of fun doing it. You can find this on a Special Edition dvd from Sub Rosa with Dirty Cop 2 added on to make one, long, epic Cops episode from Hell! 10/10



#Review

Super Badass (1999)



There are thousands of new and old B-movies out there that often force the viewer to ask themselves "what could that director possibly have been thinking?" Well, Super Badass is definitely one of them. But aside from that, upon viewing, you'll most likely be asking yourself "what white trash underachiever got off the bottle long enough to conjure up something so unambitious, something so meaningless, something so lifeless?" Yet, at the same time, it's awfully nice to see something so shamelessly (and randomly) mean-spirited, and blatantly inept just stagger along with not a care in the world.

I guess you could say I actually kinda liked Super Badass. I'm not proud of that fact, but I just find it incredibly odd, mainly because I don't think I've ever seen anything so weird and surreal that wasn't of the Horror genre. Super Badass is more crime/action. But also a drug movie. But it's just so nonchalant how it's presented.Super Badass takes place in 1957 (I think) where "Mississippi loser" Super Badass leaves daddy's farm for the big city to become a bounty hunter, and to take hard drugs, but mostly to be a bounty hunter. Super Badass has many foes. Villains such as "The Boogeyman" (just a pathetic lack of originality there), and Bucko The Clown (not much better). Super Badass shoots some heroin, and some children get viciously murdered by the bad guys, while the parents are practically unphased by the sight of their children's graphic demise. But phased enough to pay off Super Badass to seek unorthadox vengeance. Subtle bits of humor like that keep me from hating this otherwise retarded piece of shit.

He's going somewhere with all of this, I just know it, and at least in Charles Cullen's mind, he has in fact accomplished what he was going for. This guy created a big bunch of nothing, and from what I heard on the DVD commentary, he sounds fairly pleased with himself, and why not? Super Badass, regardless of whatever the hell it is, is far more than most of us have done... alright, well, maybe not FAR more. I don't see myself purchasing any more weird bullshit from Cullen. I mean, I get the idea. however, I'm occasionally tempted to check out another movie he made called Killer Klowns From Kansas On Krack. If anyone ever gets curious and gives it a chance, let me know if it's a bigger piece of shit. I'll bet it's one of those that only sounds cool. I'd actually recommend Super Badass. But only to those who like weird movies which have absolutely no point. 4/10



#Review