Zombie '93: Extreme Ineptitude



Todd Sheets has always gotten a lot of hate. And you're probably sitting there thinking "Well, no shit! Did you see Prehistoric Bimbos In Armageddon City?". And I'd have to answer that with an unfortunate yes. And yes. Not his finest hour and nine minutes. But I'll still go on record and say that I don't think whatever hate Sheets may get is really justified. Especially if you're only familiar with his very early stuff. Sure. These so-called films are annoying, really, really bad in every way a Horror film can possibly be bad, and they're not half as funny as they're intended to be. But the thing about Todd Sheets' early stuff is that it's not really stuff at all.

In the late 80's and early 90's, Todd sheets and pals fucked around a lot with cameras and gore FX, not so much making movies as practicing for the day he starts making movies. Little hour long gorefests that weren't really meant to be seen by anyone except Todd Sheets and pals. But one day, an offer was made to Todd to get those "movies" out there. A deal was made, and from what I've heard, this is a decision sheets now regrets, due to the fact that his entire reputation as a director has been based on these practice movies. By 1993, Todd Sheets was ready to start making something more. A legit movie he could be proud of. His first movie, as he now calls it. But unfortunately for him, many others may not realize this. Today, we're going to talk about what many do consider Todd sheets' finest hour and ten minutes. A film inspired by every zombie movie ever made, and one of the few shot-on-video Horror flicks which represent the 90's. This is Zombie Bloodbath.

As we begin, we witness an accident at a chemical plant which quickly spreads a disease, which infects everyone within seconds. Some of the FX and over acting is hilarious, and lets us know exactly what kind of movie we're getting in to, here. Exactly. A really, really bad one. But still an entertaining one. As we get a slight peak into the lives of a couple families in the suburbs, we're treated to some of the most hilarious acting the B-movie world has to offer. None more hilarious than Todd Sheets' good pal, Jerry Angell, who was a regular in Sheets' practice movies. A man with a face which screams "dim-witted white trash", Angell makes this otherwise bottom of the barrel zombie flick far more entertaining than one would expect. Not everyone can pull off a mustache and a mullet with bangs, but this man can. Take one look at him and you know in your heart that his delivery is every bit as hilarious as you would assume.

Not everyone can be Jerry Angell, but there's plenty of fun moments involving over acting and attempts at character development. Once the zombie outbreak reaches their destination, Sheets wastes no time breaking out the gore. But there's more to this movie than all that. At times, there are moments, while comically bad, are meant to be heartbreaking and powerful, as family members sob over lost loved ones, and even resorting to suicide. Not exactly as effective as The Walking Dead, but they do get points for trying. Considering the budget Sheets was working with, here, this movie really isn't as bad as it may seem at first glance. It's certainly more ambitious than a lot of shot-on-video flicks from this era or any other.

Taking your film making to a higher level is one thing. But doing so by making a zombie movie would probably be a huge pain in the ass. So respect goes to Mr. Sheets. However, I've always found it funny that he considers Zombie Bloodbath his first actual movie, discarding the seemingly hundreds of movies he did in the years leading up to this. Sure. They're clearly inferior. Some of them, unwatchable. But take a movie like 1989's Zombie Rampage, for example. Inferior, yes. But not THAT much worse than Zombie Bloodbath. Not enough to be flat out disowned. Personally, I even prefer that one over this one, myself. But like all his earlier, inferior efforts, Zombie Bloodbath is a labor of love, and a homage to the superior efforts which came before it. Zombie Bloodbath must have picked up enough success to satisfy Sheets and whoever else, as there were two sequels released over the next few years, while the popularity of these types of movies would continue to die a slow death.

After the Zombie Bloodbath Trilogy, Todd sheets would continue making movies for a short time, until finally throwing in the towel. Although, he has returned to directing these past few years. However, I still have yet to get a hold of any of them. Something that is definitely on my to do list. Todd Sheets will never be known as the master of the S.O.V. And he'll probably never get the respect he deserves as a micro-budget filmmaker who did so by his own rules. But when so many S.O.V. Horror pioneers gave up on their dreams in the late 80's, Sheets carried on the tradition throughout the 90's, making shitty movies not for the money, but because that's what he enjoyed doing. So good for him, as others never got a chance to make their Zombie Bloodbath. Love his movies or hate them. Todd sheets made movies. And nobody can take that away from him. 5/10



#Review

Ooblah Dooblah, Motherfucker!!



I've never really been much of a Werewolf fan. I've enjoyed an exclusive few over the years. An American Werewolf In London and Ginger Snaps is just about all I can come up with off the top of my head. At least as far the the more traditional stuff goes. But over the years, there have been some unusual, or just plain weird ones that have caught my eye. Movies like The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, and the more recent Werewolf In A Women's Prison. Neither all that great, but odd enough to be enjoyable. Much like the film I want to talk about today. And that'd be Werewolves On Wheels from 1971. Not only the bottom of the Werewolf barrel, but the bottom of the biker flick barrel, as well. By the time this film came along, the biker genre was all but dried up, and needed extra shit thrown in to spice things up while the last few dollars were milked out of it. "Shit" meaning Werewolves in this case. And shitty werewolves they certainly were. Come to think of it, the bikers weren't much better.

"The Devil's Advocates" is what they called themselves. They'd like you to think they be some mean mothers, but in reality, they're merely a bunch of crude, obnoxious drug addicts who kid around with each other ALOT. But like any biker gang, there's power in numbers, so, they have no problem acting tough when necessary. Led by a ruffian named Adam, The Devil's Advocates ride across country, fancying themselves whatever the hell, raising all sorts of hell, but nothing too out of hand, from what I see. One of the members, a psychic/fortune teller type, insists some kind of danger hovers over the gang. The gang decides a nearby Satanic monastery is responsible. They also decide that going there is the best move. In one of many scenes which suggests nobody has any idea of what to do, the gang gets all rowdy with each other outside the monastery, and carried away with their rough housing, not noticing how fucked up it is that they've been surrounded by a bunch of Satanic monks.

At first, the monks seem ok, showering them all with wine and bread. One of the advocates suggests that all they need now is some dancers. The dancers never show up. And within seconds, The Devil's Advocates all pass out from the wine. Long enough for the monks to kidnap Adam's girlfriend and take her inside to be their sacrifice. Everyone comes to just in time to save her, but while doing so, a curse has been placed upon them. These guys aren't too bright, but bright enough to figure out that something bad just happened. Adam, the alleged brains of the outfit, decides they all need to head out to the desert to get their head straight. Good plan, I could certainly think of worse places to do so.

As they head out into the desert to hang out and horse around, very few of them are all that concerned any more. A lot of fuckin', drug taking and laughing with seemingly no point intended. However, a couple of them are torn to shreds by a werewolf on the first night. At least one, that is. The next morning, a funeral is had, once the bodies are discovered. With the usual beer and cocaine, of course. They all seem to get over the shock as they walk away. "We can't be goddamn women over these things", claims Adam. Wiser words were never spoken. As the boys have a fun filled day of stealing gas for their sweet rides, and picking on some ornery, old fat man, The Advocates head back to their new favorite hangout to turn over a car which was occupied by Adam and his bitch. Just for laughs, of course. A guy called Movie is torn to shreds that night, which makes the boys even more suspicious that something isn't right. That's three of them dead, now. There's definitely something wrong.

Ok, if this film isn't at least 90% improvised, then, I just don't know what to think. As lazy and possibly non-existent as the script for this movie may be, a bit of realism often shines through the unbelievable mess that is this movie. I mean, it's believable that this is what a bunch of druggie bikers act like when they're out and about, raising hell and whatnot. Most of the movie seems aimless and pointless, and the kills aren't much. But the cheese factor is what Werewolves On Wheels really has going for it. I know. hard to believe, going by the title.

Anyone into 70's schlock would be wise to not overlook this Werewolf-Biker hybrid. The only real downside is that nothing was ever taken all that far. It's pretty tame on all levels, seemingly just for the sake of being tame. There's blood, nudity and profanity, but considering all the unrated/X-rated stuff that was coming out in this era, I expected a little more in those areas. I suspect someone who was financing this film might have been a big old prude. Although, this minor flaw shouldn't be a deal breaker. The fun and stupidity should be enough for a night's entertainment. So, say your "ooblah dooblahs", get high on whatever you can find in your leather jacket, and check out this Werewolf abomination which could only exist in the early 70's. 6/10



#Review

Redemption: The History of Citizen Toxie



Everybody and their fuckin' mother loves The Toxic Avenger. Troma fan or not, you'd probably be hard up to find a Horor or B-movie fan who doesn't love, or at least have respect for this 80's cult classic. A cult classic which defines the 80's every bit as much as Return Of The Living Dead. On a lower scale, maybe, but equally fun and equally 80's. The Toxic Avenger not only put Troma on the map, but made them a lot of money, and provided opportunities such as cartoons, video games and an endless supply of merchandise. No other movie from Troma has ever or will ever come close to Toxie 1. But with the success comes sequels. Even in Tromaville.

The Toxic Avenger 2 was inevitable, but I doubt anyone expected (or wanted) a 3 hour movie. Kaufman and Herz went a little overboard with the shot footage, but it was later decided that there was enough of it to make 2 movies. So, in 1989, Troma not only released The Toxic Avenger 2, but part 3, as well. And as a longtime fan of the original, I can't express my disgust and disappointment enough. 2 and 3 were simply awful. These films lacked the grittiness and B-movie charm of Toxie 1, which was replaced with a more whimsical feel, and less gruesome, more cartoonish violence. Plus, the continuity was garbage. Toxie was a good 5 inches shorter, with a younger, more friendly sounding voice. His girlfriend Sarah is now called "claire" and is a dumbass. While totally different, this was obviously from the same people as the original, but obviously different for a reason. With money and success comes compromise. I'd say sponsors frowned upon the violence and certain politically incorrect jokes from Toxie 1, and probably assumed the sequels would be just as successful if it was more kid friendly. Wrong, money hungry cunts!

I guess the first two sequels did okay, but they aren't exactly remembered as high points of Troma's history. After years of churning out mediocre efforts which only flirted with the offensive tone of the original Toxic Avenger, Kaufman and Herz said "to hell with it", and did it right with Tromeo And Juliet in 1996. Still my favorite of all of Lloyd's films. This was a turning point for Troma. After this film, they never looked back. Troma has its core fanbase and that's all it ever needed. And with their next project, Terror Firmer, it became clear that Troma no longer gives a fuck, and has no plans of going away any time soon. The home grown Troma movies from here on out would only reconfirm Troma's reputation which existed merely because of The Toxic Avenger. So, after this, there's only one thing left to do. Lloyd finally does right by his creation. It's time to make Toxie a badass again.



This long awaited "real sequel" wastes no time in letting us know that it's nothing like the parts 2 and 3, more or less disowning them. We begin at a school for retarded kids that is being terrorized by the diaper mafia. Several of them get their heads blown off before Toxie can even make it there, and even then, he does a lousy job at saving the day, and even going so far as to hiding behind some of the tards when getting shot at. This chaotic, cluster fuck of a scene lasts about a half hour, and includes Toxie running home to have an impregnation break with the wife, which ends up being a successful one. As Toxie makes it back to the school, he's only able to save a couple of retards from being incinerated by an explosion after his sidekick eats the bomb, and gets his fat ass blown up, as well. Toxie and his retarded new friends are whisked away into an alternate dimension by all this. A town called Amortville, where a freak of nature known as The Noxious Offender wreaks havoc. Noxie is a crack dealer and a pimp, and an all around dick. And he's now headed to Tromaville.

We're treated to many "fish out of water" jokes with Toxie and Noxie. Toxie deals with all sorts of Amortville scum and perverts, while Noxie knocks off half the Tromaville population in a comically gruesome manner, convincing everyone that Toxie has snapped. As Toxie battles an evil kabukiman and other bad guys on the other side, Noxie knocks up Sarah after a raping, which means she's now pregnant with two fetuses. One from Toxie and one from Noxie. But after meeting Sarah's counterpart, Claire, and his dead sidekick's counterpart, Toxie may have found a way to get himself and his retards back home, where there will be hell to pay for The Noxious Offender.

Lloyd Kaufman's brand of comedy is like that class clown from way back in the third grade. Stupid and desperate for attention. He shamelessly throws anything he can think of at you, with the hopes of something to get a laugh. And while you know you shouldn't laugh since he's such a retard, one or two of his many, many sad jokes usually gets a laugh out of you. That's Citizen Toxie in a nutshell. At least that's my interpretation after my most recent viewing. I was once a huge fan of this movie way back when Troma was more my cup o' tea. And while I still enjoy it, it's now mainly just a movie I have respect for due to being a sequel that makes the sequels which came before it look like total shit by comparison. In other words, Citizen Toxie kicks ass by default.

As much as some of the humor wears on my nerves, sometimes, they really did get it right with this one. Citizen Toxie is basically a cross between the original Toxic Avenger and Terror Firmer, which probably wasn't a surprise to anyone. The homage to The Wizard Of Oz, the intentional continuity errors, and of course the whole retard thing ultimately made this film a fun and satisfying experience. Troma pulled out all the stops, here, with cameo after cameo, featuring appearances by Trent Haaga, Lemmy, Will Keenen, Ron Jeremy (as the Mayor), Eli Roth, Corey Feldman, and none other than Mark Torgl in a very unexpected appearance. To me, Heidi Sjursen's portrayal of Sarah was also one of the highlights. She more or less made a joke out of the character, and looks to be younger than the original was way back in 1984, She seems to get dumber and dumber as the story progresses, which is pretty hot.

David Mattey's interpretation of The Toxic Avenger was also very good. He's a little skinnier than the original, but at least he's not 5'7. Of all the stupid shit said in this movie, very little of it was said by him. If the off and on rumored Toxie 5 ever gets made, I'd like to see Mattey reprise his role. But if there is to only be four, then, I think Citizen Toxie was a fantastic way of closing the book, because The Toxic Avenger has finally redeemed himself. 6/10



#Review

Chasing Amy Is Fucking Stupid!



I feel like hating on a movie, today. Let's try this one. But first, I'd like to point out that I do not hate Kevin Smith movies. I used to love them, and still think some of them are pretty good. I actually used to like Chasing Amy a lot, as I used to like a lot of comedies from the latter part of the 90's and the early 2000's. Movies like Scary Movie and Half Baked. I'm not ashamed to admit I found them hilarious. Because we were all young once, right? And we've all liked stupid shit at one point in our lives, only to mature enough to one day ask ourselves the question, "What was I thinking?"

I don't know. I just thought it was funny, I guess. And perhaps clever, like pretty much anything Kevin Smith came out with around this time. And his approach to comedy was clever. Nobody was coming out with anything quite like Clerks at the time. His next movie, Mallrats, was dumbed down quite a bit, but still fresh, in a way. Plus, I have a hard time hating anything which includes Michael Rooker. Although, I feel the exact opposite about Ben Affleck, who plays an asshole in one of his earliest roles. The thing about Ben Affleck is that he should always play an asshole, just because he seems like one, plus, he's not that great of an actor. After playing some asshole in Mallrats, Affleck would graduate to playing the lead role in Smith's next film, Chasing Amy. That may have been the fat man's first mistake, as this decision automatically makes the movie more unlikable than it needs to be. Especially since Ben Affleck's character is portrayed as a nice, normal, level headed guy. Or at least that was the intent. But there is far more wrong with this movie than Ben Affleck.

In 1997, movies and other forms of pop culture were only on the verge of getting gay friendly. Kevin Smith, who has a gay brother, decided to make a movie, which shows the lifestyle in a positive light, although, that's not exactly what his movie would be about. Mostly, Kevin Smith wanted to make something a little more personal than what he had been doing. It would still be a comedy, but this third film in what is now known as the New Jersey Trilogy, was also heavy on the drama, which is certainly not a bad thing. Unless we're talking about faggy, junior high drama which makes no sense.



Like Smith's last two films, Chasing Amy revolves around two, lifelong, male friends. One, Holden. Played by Ben Affleck. The other one, Banky. Played by Jason "My name Is Earl" Lee. Holden and Banky are roommates, and also run a comic book together. And a very successful one called Bluntman And Chronic. Characters based on Jay And Silent Bob. Much like their friendship, their work together is like a well-oiled machine. And like Smith's last two films, there is an overly serious one and a wise ass. Holden, of course is the serious one. Serious, but not really a a dick at first. He's too uptight to find humor in Banky's sarcasm, but he's nice enough to tolerate it. Soon, Holden meets a woman named Alyssa, whom he falls hard for in a matter of minutes. I think, even for someone in their mid-20's, this is a little ridiculous, but okay. So, now, for some reason, Holden is becoming a bit of a dick to Banky. No reason it sight. He just is. It is soon discovered that Alyssa is a lesbian. Holden is devastated that this woman he's now met twice will never be his sweetheart. However, Banky thinks it's hilarious.

Holden stops pouting as Alyssa talks him into being her friend. Banky does not approve. And as Holden continues to be a dick to him seemingly because of Alyssa's presence in his life, he also gets even more testy as Banky starts casually using words like "faggot" and "dyke", seemingly due to his disdain for Alyssa. As Holden becomes her bitch boy more and more, he can no longer stand keeping his little crush to himself. One night, he spills it all, telling her he loves her, while acknowledging that she only likes pussy, so, he doesn't really stand a chance. As she explodes and tears into him as if he seriously wronged her, she then runs off, only to run right back into his arms, seconds later. Then, Holden fucks her.



As Banky catches them in bed the next morning, he is unusually shaken up by this, bordering on devastation. Banky of course hates her more than ever, now, and is convinced the supposedly sheltered Holden is going to get his little heart broken. And for some reason, he believes all this is going to ruin their friendship. Even the least ridiculous character in this movie is still pretty goddamn ridiculous.

Later on, Banky runs into an old acquaintance from high school, and just happens to mention the fact that his best friend is sticking it to a lesbian named Alyssa, and the guy tells him this story about how him and another guy tag teamed her years ago. And naturally, Banky is thrilled to be able to tell Holden this news. Holden does not consider this good news, however. As he tries to not believe it, he is clearly sickened by the thought that his hip, lezbo girlfriend might really just be some cum dumpster who swings both ways. As it eats at him more and more, Holden tries to hint around about this so he can feel better, and gets screamed at for it, as it all turns out to be true. Holden is not okay with this. And Alyssa is not okay with him not being okay with this, which makes her cry. And with advice completely misunderstood from Jay And Silent Bob, Holden soon makes what is arguably the dumbest move in the whole movie.

So, yeah. All that seemed perfectly reasonable when I saw this for the first time as a teenager. My most recent viewing, not so much. I'm not the most mature guy in the world, myself, but now watching this movie as someone who is older than the cast, as opposed to younger, the whole thing is just plain cringeworthy. And I seriously question the maturity of a 20-something Kevin Smith, if that's really how this alleged grown man viewed love and sex.

Chasing Amy wasn't all bad. There was plenty of funny one-liners, almost all from Jason Lee, who was portrayed as a big joke. Labeled as "homophobic" because he throws around words like "fag". And a childish attachment to his friend, which is more than hinted around that he's actually gay for him, just for shits and giggles, I guess. Banky is made to be a moron, while their mutual friend, A gay guy, who is portrayed to have more wisdom in his limp wrist than Holden and Banky combined. This movie is very typical of the times. Such early pro-gay movies and attempts at political correctness just weren't as clever as they once seemed. Movies like this do not age well. Especially when they're as annoying. Juvenile bullshit aside, I personally found most of the characters annoying. And by "most", I mean everyone but Jason Lee. Joey Lauren Addams is like a scrawny, poor woman's Jennifer Tilly without the hotness. And Ben Affleck is simply Ben Affleck, who is about as likable as Nicholas Cage after raping his own mama. I'll never know what Kevin Smith saw in that guy to cast him in so many of his movies, but he was wrong.

Technically, this was Smith's best film to date. And if you don't pay close attention, the whole thing might not seem quite so childish and unpleasant. I'm not sure what we were supposed to take from Chasing Amy. Homos and lezbos are more sophisticated and experienced? People who say "fag" always turn out to be fags? Or maybe it's just a love story about a doomed relationship, taken from a real life experience by the director. I guess it doesn't matter in the end, because either way, it's fucking stupid! 3/10



#Review

Blood Feast 2: Comeback Of The Millennium



Three days ago, Herschell Gordon Lewis passed away. Earlier that day, I wrote a review for Frank Henenlotter's Bad Biology, and emphasized on this film being his comeback. Hours later, I hear of Herschell's passing. One of the few remaining, and most beloved trailblazers in Horror and Exploitation, as well as one of my own personal B-movie idols. 2016 has taken away so many of our favorites, but this one has hit me the hardest. And as I've pondered Herschell's legendary career, his shortcomings as a filmmaker, and what a nice guy he seemed to be, I also got to thinking about his own comeback in 2002. Perhaps the greatest comeback of them all. As well as the most long awaited, and ultimately satisfying sequel I can think of off the top of my head. Today, I need to talk about Herschell Gordon Lewis. And while doing so, we're going to explore the goriest movie he ever made; Blood Feast 2.

But first, a little backstory leading to this point in time. From the late 50's to the early 70's, Herschell Lewis exploited just about every exploitable taboo in his films. From Nudie Cuties to Hixploitation, the man covered a lot of ground. However, there's only one taboo he will be remembered for. We all know that's the Gore. But not just gore, itself. Herschell along with his producer and friend, David F. Friedman, made history by making the balsy move of being the first people to come out with Horror (for the lack of a better word) films with kill scenes which included graphic violence. Fake looking, yes. But there was just so much of it! Not that they could compare with a Martyrs or a Dead Alive, but this was groundbreaking stuff for 1963. And those who weren't impressed by this, were absolutely outraged and sickened. But tough shit. There were no laws preventing the gore. Nor would there ever be.

Fast forward to 1972. Many films, and several gore films later. Herschell comes out with his goriest and sleaziest film to date; The Gore Gore Girls. And it seems as though Herschell is only getting started. But as it would turn out, this is where he would leave things. Herschell left the Exploitation world behind, and quietly disappeared.

For a while, it may have seemed these films, and maybe even the era itself, had been forgotten. But with the emergence of Something Weird Video, the world would be reminded, and a new generation would be made aware of Herschell Gordon Lewis' contributions and the impact it had. He didn't know it yet, but Herschell had become a legend. Thanks to Mike Vraney, we were treated to dvd releases of most of Herschell's films, packed with extras, usually including some entertaining and informative audio commentary tracks by Herschell himself, telling his story, piece by piece. As something Weird Video breaths new life into the old films, it becomes more and more clear over the years, that making another film might be an option. And in 2002, thirty years after The Gore Gore Girls, Herschell finally gave all the gorehounds what they were craving with a sequel to his most famous film, Blood Feast. However, there would be high expectations for a Blood Feast 2. And rightfully so.

As expected, Blood Feast 2 turned out beautifully. It had the feel of an old Lewis flick from the 60's, but with that certain self-aware comedy that most modern B-movies possess. This was also very much a throwback, before such a thing even existed. Plenty of low brow humor, reminiscent of Troma, at times. Most importantly, Blood Feast 2 is one of the craziest, most gore-drenched films I have ever seen. It's as if all this gore had been waiting with us for those 39 years, only to unload all over us when the time was right. But now, let's talk about the comically thin storyline.

Unlike the original Blood Feast, as well as most of Herschell's gore films, this sequel was not filmed in Florida. To me, that takes away, but isn't unforgivable. I guess the story is supposed to take place in Miami, though. In Blood Feast 2, we meet the grandson of Fuad Ramses, cleverly named Fuad Ramses III. Fuad the 3rd has inherited his grandfather's catering business, which he is now taking over. I have no idea how this works, exactly. Did he actually inherit this place from his father, who originally inherited it from Fuad the 1st, decades ago, or are we supposed to think no time has passed since 1963? If so, they're doing a shitty job of making it look like it's 1963.

So, early on, we can tell where all this is headed, as the paper thin story takes a back seat only to the horrific acting, especially by the guy who plays Fuad the 3rd, who is so wrong for this role, yet so right. Fuad the 3rd is possessed by the same statue as seen in the original, which makes him all sweaty and creepy, and his hair all greasy-looking like grandpa Fuad. so, this otherwise regular guy is now obsessed with Egyptian Goddess, Ishtar, and pleasing her with the feast which must include human body parts. The Egyptian blood feast is about to return to Miami, or whereever.

Most of the "so bad it's good" humor comes from two places. The oblivious cops, and a rather cunty woman named Mrs. Lampley, who's daughter is getting married. The Lampleys come to Fuad the 3rd to cater the reception. Mrs. lampley is a horrible, controlling woman, who you just know is going to get it sooner or later. She probably has the best lines in the movie, though. Meanwhile, Fuad the 3rd is on a killing spree so he can please Ishtar as well as his new clients. Which brings us back to the cops. One, a fat fuck, who constantly feeds his fat face in literally every scene he's in. And the other, a green little gipper who could pass for a junior in highschool. The two of them make asses of themselves as they try to make sense out of all the gore. Never once are they on the same page, as they both suspect Fuad, but at different stages in the movie. Even when evidence stares them right in the face, they still don't get it. Meanwhile, the arrogant Fuad barely even has to try and cover his tracks. Where's Thomas Wood when you need him?

Not often does hype and wait pay off so beautifully. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but this is exactly what such a long-awaited Blood Feast sequel should be like. Ridiculously gory, bad on purpose, which usually doesn't work, but for this, it does. And most of all, Blood Feast 2 is fun from reel to reel. One can tell Herschell held on to some ideas over the years just for this movie. I still haven't herd the audio commentary for this film, and haven't ever heard him speak of it, really, but I can imagine Herschell was satisfied with this film every bit as much as his loyal and patient fanbase.



If Blood Feast 2 had turned out to be Herschell's last film, I don't think many of us would be complaining. However, he didn't stop there. Because in 2009, yet another gore epic was bestowed upon us, with the outrageous satire comedy, The Uh-Oh! Show, starring Joel. D. Wynkoop. And as we speak, his final work, BloodMania, is now in post-production. Herschell Gordon Lewis may be gone. But for his fans, the journey is not quite over. As fun as his modern movies are, they did nothing for his legacy, as it was already cemented decades ago. Although, I will always be grateful that good 'ol H.G. wandered on back to hang with us for a while longer. The Godfather Of Gore will never be forgotten. R.I.P. H.G.L. 7/10



#Review

Birds & Bees: The History Of Bad Biology



There's nothing more American than a good comeback story. Especially by an underdog. That's what low-budget Horror filmmaker, Frank Henenlotter is. From a technical standpoint, his movies are pretty bad. Not to mention that his last film was in 1992. It seems as though the man has had very few ideas in his long career, although, the one's he has had have all been borderline genius. That is, if you happen to have an appreciation for the bizarre and the grotesque. That's what his films have been like as long as he's been making them. But more specifically, Frank Henenlotter seems to have a thing for deformities, freaks, and how they're dealt with. usually very poorly, which is where his own special brand of dark humor always shines through. The weirdness, as well as an obvious nod to 50's creature features, are consistently present and make Frank Henenlotter's body of work possibly the most distinct of any director I'm familiar with. And in that respect, the movie I'm going to talk about does not disappoint.

Although, the disappointment is there. More on that later. The movie I want to talk about today is Bad Biology. Frank Henenlotter's most recent film. Many thought he was done making movies. But in 2008, he finally returned to bring us yet another freakshow. I have some mixed feelings about this one, which I will go into, but I will say the man is smart. Because he knows that sex sells. And he came up with a fairly clever way to apply that to his weirdness. In a nutshell, Bad Biology is about a woman with a seven clits, who has a freakishly hyper-active sex drive as a result of this. What this film is really about is that AND some guy with a dick which has a mind of its own. Even the cover implies they are equals in the story, and possibly romantically connected. But this movie is mostly about this chick named Jennifer, who can't seem to get enough dick. A woman who wasn't always so comfortable with her abnormality, now embraces it all fully. Jennifer searches for dick, gets down to business, gets seven times the pleasure of normal women, usually gets carried away and kills the guy connected to said dick, all resulting in some serious pigging out. Minutes later, she pushes a freak baby out her cooter, Which is coldly discarded as non-human.

Jennifer has been hurt a lot, and her free-spirited sluttiness, as well as her disconnected view on things, is a direct result of this. And perhaps her existence has driven her a bit crazy on top of it. Although, she's not all bad. Just selfish, with some serious narcissistic qualities. It does seem as if all this is leading towards her gaining a love interest. And that love interest would obviously be a guy named Batz. Batz has a bit of a dick issue. A dick which was accidentally cut off at birth, but later reattached, and injected with all sorts of drugs in the hopes of making it work properly. But somehow, it developed a mind of its own, and has been out of control ever since, with a pussy-thirst which cannot be quenched. And the more drugs get injected into it, the more of an ugly, mutated mess it becomes. Also, any woman who gets fucked by this freak dick usually orgasms themselves to death. No poon can withstand the power of this monstrous tallywhacker... At least not a normal one. That's where Jennifer comes in. When these two find each other, it seems like a solution for them both, or at least one of them. However, nothing good could possibly come from so much freakish sexual frustration coming together.

I enjoyed this movie. Really, I did. But did it live up to my expectations? Not really. But that's only because of the level of entertainment value and legendary status of Henenlotter's earlier films, as well as the ridiculously long wait for him to finally make another film. I just expected a little more. On one hand, the story is classic Henenlotter. On the other hand, it's typical Henenlotter. Nothing new, while the charm of the earlier films are lacking. In story, as well as heart and soul. The whole thing just seems a little thrown together, with characters that aren't all that likable. And personally, I don't think the rap score did this movie any favors.

Now, I'm not one who needs romance in movies, but we have every reason to think this is all leading towards these two people finding each other, making their own existence more bearable, giving each other peace, or some shit. When the opportunity presents itself, Jennifer is merely interested in the "super dick" and nothing else. While the anti-social Batz just wants no part of her, period. Well, at least this approach wasn't predictable, but with the movie already seeming very incomplete, this lack of story and character development left me feeling very much unfulfilled. However, there are plenty of fun moments, and some pretty funny lines, as well as a hilarious ending which is classic Henenlotter at its classiest. That alone made the experience worth it. Bad Biology has its flaws, but ultimately, I would recommend it to anyone who enjoyed Basket Case or Brain Damage. Although, I really do hope this doesn't end up being the Henenlotter swan song. Because I feel like the man is capable of more. Yet, I can't help but be grateful that Frank Henenlotter made this comeback in the first place. But with rumors now circulating of a Basket Case 4, Let's hope Bad Biology was just a warmup. 5/10



#Review

Incest & Frolf: The History Of Taintlight



Fuck the Twilight movies. There! I said it. Being a male in my 30's, I realize these movies weren't meant for me. Therefore, my opinion on the matter is pretty much irrelevant. But I stand by my original statement, nonetheless. I've only seen the first Twilight, and like many, I found it to be dull, sappy garbage which takes itself far too seriously for my taste. I know another guy who hates Twilight. A guy by the name of Chris Seaver. Seaver directed this here parody I'm about to tell you about. This guy knows a thing or two about parodies, as he's had a ton of experience making them over the years, with such LBP epics as I Spit Chew On Your Grave, Ski Wolf. Even his long awaited sequel to the now legendary Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker, somehow ended up a Kill Bill parody of all things. So, when Tempe Video wants to cash in on this stupid shit, they knew they found the right guy for the job.

Before I begin, I'd like to just point out that the only reason I watched Twilight is because I was curious after seeing this one. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, this shitty (but hilarious) movie begins exactly the way a Twilight spoof should; With Josh Suire taking a big shit. Playing LBP icon, Leo DeChamp's twin brother, he's quickly killed off by a vampire, after a very necessary nod to Friday The 13th Part V. We now cut to the always hilarious Meredith Host, playing the female lead of "Stella". This comically dull chick is on her way to her dad's house, to live. And we're off to a great start, as it's made clear immediately that Stella's dad is all about sticking it to her. Soon, her old friend, Jack, stops by for a visit. He seems more interested in fingering her vagina than anything else, and succeeds in making the first five minutes in her new home even more awkward.

Things remain awkward the next day at her new school as she hangs with retards. A pretty boy named Edgar also catches her eye. Edgar is a serious, little brooding poon, seemingly with a chip on his shoulder. He seems to want nothing to do with her. And is also a bit of a bully, at times. All done in a very over-the-top manner. But, maybe, just maybe, there's something more to his coldness. Edgar feels that it's for her own good that they stay away from one another. Because Edgar happens to be a fagpire. Or maybe he just thinks she smells like shit.

Fagpire is not what they call vampires in his movie. It's what they call vampires who are little twats. But there are actual vampires in this, too. A pack of "real" vamps set their sites on Edgar so they can have sweet li'l Stella all to theirselves. Her pal, Jack, more or less makes his feelings known, as well as the fact that he's a Michael Jackson-obsessed Werewolf. And a really shitty-looking one at that. Meanwhile, the sun causes bubbles to ascend from Edgar's crotch, as Stella becomes his. Fun stuff. Although, the incest jokes are still the highlight for me...

One thing I'd like to point out in Chris Seaver's defense is the lame title of this movie was not his idea. This was originally meant to be called Twatlight, which sounds about 10,000 times cooler if ya ask me. Shame on Tempe for being pussies and depriving this film of extra cool points. But coolness lies elsewhere, with a hysterical performances as always by Meredith Host, along with Kurt Indovina, Jason McCall and Andrew Baltes. And the always delightful Billy Garberina as the mustached incest dad. We even get a cameo from Chris Seaver, himself, as Jock De Queaf, who usually edits these fine films. And I have to mention the return of an old LBP regular, A.J. Stabone, who plays jack. Great to see him back. I figured he was gone for good. And speaking of returns. A very long-awaited return was also made by Jesse Green, who repsrised his role of Razor McBleed. A very nice touch. I definitely thought HE was gone for good. Glad to see old LBP regulars wander on back from time to time.

Usually, Chris Seaver spoofs movies he actually likes. But an offer was made to make a parody of a very successful film, as faggy as it may have been. He'd have to be a fool to turn this one down, I say. But this does come off like maybe his heart wasn't quite in it, compared to some. But director-for-hire movies usually do. The shooting of this film came at the end of a very long week for the LBP gang, as a lot of them had just got done shooting another film called Teenape vs. The Monster Nazi Apocalypse. Eventually to be revealed a far worse movie than this one, thanks to the Troma team. Another story for another day, that one. But as half-assed as Taintlight may have been, it all came off every bit as crazy and ridiculous as any other Seaver flick, which should satisfy those who dig this stuff. Considering that, as well as the huge shit it takes all over Twilight, I would classify Taintlight as a success, like it or not. 5/10



#Lbp #Review

Burial Ground (1981)



Incest is funny to me. Out of all the taboo subjects I can think of, incest definitely makes me laugh the hardest. It's a nasty, fucked up thing that I don't quite understand. But it is reality. That we can all agree on. Brother and sister, father and daughter, maybe even grammy and grampy get involved from time to time, but to me, nothing seems quite as awkward and uncomfortable as mother on son love. Or in this one case, son on mother. Today, I want to talk about a movie that is very dear to my heart. A movie that shamelessly, and very randomly, adds a tasty little sub plot involving incest. One boy's dream of someday sticking it to the woman who shat him out into the world. Or at least copping as many feels as he can get away with. Maybe he's sick, but in his defense, little Michael's mom is still pretty hot. Just sayin'

But what's Michael's deal? Well, I don't know, exactly. But he's not at all normal. That's established before he even says anything. Michael is being dragged by mother and her new husband out to the country to stay in an old mansion with two other couples, who all enjoy flirting with each other very much. The only thing worse than being a third wheel is being a seventh wheel, says Michael. Or I'm sure that's what he was thinkng. He doesn't seem very happy about this vacation, and it's made obvious that he feels threatened by the new step father, as he tries to horn in every chance he gets, which is usually successful. But back to how not normal this "kid" is. Little Michael's lack of normalness and his flat out creepiness is partly due to the fact that he is being portrayed by an adult. A pale, little man named Peter Bark. And his voice is dubbed in English by another adult trying in vain to sound like a child. Also, Michael looks a bit like a mini-Dario Argento. Or maybe Argento looks like a jumbo Peter Bark. There's really no way of telling. Welcome to Burial Ground!

So, yeah. This is a zombie movie. "The professor", who lived in this mansion, decided to resurrect the dead for some reason and ended up paying for it with his life, presumably, the night before everyone showed up. And as we now wait for the giddy couples to get torn apart, we're treated to plenty of filler, involving these people frollicking about in the garden, and making out. Eventually, zombies emerge from the caves and invade the countryside, ruining an otherwise pleasant weekend for all. The zombies are here, and they're not going away. And some of them even look like The Toxic Avenger.



These are some extremely old corpses. And slow ones. They really shouldn't be a problem to avoid, but somehow, end up being a huge one for these people who all manage to do everything wrong when attemtping to flee these things. In fact, stupidity has rarely been so abundant in a Horror film as it is in Burial Ground. Looking back, nobody should have had to die in this film, but they certainly did, and things get really gory. Meanwhile, little Michael never seems to give up on this thing with his mom. No matter how bad things get, or how scared he gets, it's always in the back of his mind. I can tell.

Directed by Giallo master, Andrea Bianchi, Burial Ground is one of the first bad Horror films that I fell in love with, and to this day, still my all-time favorite Italian Horror film. And it may sound a bit excessive, but I'm proud to say that this is one of the few films I own on vhs, dvd and blu-ray. The blu-ray looks fantastic, but I seem to always find myself going back to my beloved Vestron copy whenever I feel the urge. Technically, this is a terrible way to watch the film, as it's dark, grainy and just plain awful looking. But somehow, this only adds to the nightmarish tone of it all. The gore mixed with the glorious stupidity, and of course the thick layer of sleaziness that you could cut with a knife, makes Burial Ground one of the all-time great bad/WTF movies. As a zombie film, it's not the best thing ever, but the dark atmosphere and constant sense of dread makes this not only hilarious, but a pretty decent Horror film on top of it. Best of both worlds.

But back to the one thing this film will be remembered for. Little Michael. This freak of nature is something to behold. A character that seemingly exists just to fuck with our heads for all time. A boy who knows what he wants and goes for it, a character with a built-in sub plot that will go down in B-movie history as one of the most random and creepy qualities ever put to film. With all the chaos involving the dead, Michael's hardon for his mother is simply just there. Never really the point, but always there. Clearly, the boy had a lot of issues. Some of which maybe not even mother-related. Issues we could have even seen explored had the dead not gotten involved. But, unfortunately, we'll never know what evil or insanity was behind those cold, dead eyes. Maybe we're better off not knowing. 8/10



#Review

Bone Sickness (2004)



By 2004, the Zombie/living dead concept had been done to death several times over. We've seen the best, the worst, smart zombie flicks like Shaun Of The Dead, stupid one's like Redneck Zombies, atmospheric masterpieces courtesy of Lucio Fulci, and of course, the outrageous gorefests. As of 2016, Peter Jackson's pride and joy has still yet to be topped. But in 2004, a guy named Brian Paulin came pretty close with a very much inspired, shot-on-video nightmare known as Bone Sickness. And by then, what else do we really need from a zombie flick? Not to imply that awesome gore fx is all this movie has going for it. Bone Sickness is also very creepy, dark and quite unsettling at times. Just sayin'. If gore is what you desire most, then, trust me. You desire Bone Sickness.

While the story isn't completely unoriginal, the first half does tend to drag a bit, and it does take a while for the gore to really get started. But my advice would be to stick with this one, even if you get a little bored, as the pay off is massive. But until then, we're given a look into a pretty hopeless scenario where a guy named Alex is suffering from a rare bone disease, and has about a zero percent chance of living. A disease that is slowly turning him into a zombie who vomits and shits worms. Big ones. And some maggots here and there as well.

On the bright side, the sickly Alex at least has a hotter than hell wife to take care of him, so, it could be worse. Alex's wife, Kristen, is losing hope, but has decided to turn to his best friend, Thomas (Paulin) for help. Thomas has this bright idea that feeding Alex bones of the dead will strengthen his own bones. Getting his hands on this bone marrow medication is convenient due to Thomas being employed by the local morgue. Sounds stupid? Well, yeah. But it actually works. Despite Thomas' good intentions, the dead are now pretty sore at him over this stunt, and have risen from their graves just to let everyone know that you don't fuck with the dead. Unfortunately for the entire world, they are not stopping with Thomas. But on the bright side, Alex is starting to feel a little better... Well, sorta.

Much like the other two Paulin films I've seen (At Dawn They Sleep and Fetus), this here's a fine example of a filmmaker making the most of what he has. Which was actually next to nothing from what I hear. The three Brian Paulin movies I've seen are low budget even for low budget standards, but never fail to entertain or impress. The gore and zombies both seem very inspired by Italy's heyday. As you might notice, The zombies do share a resemblance to those of Zombi 2 and Burial Ground. Paulin's films are what they are and never try to be anything other than what they are. Dark, morbid gorefests for Horror fans who require a little more than what the mainstream choices offer. Besides the earth shattering gore, one thing I appreciate about Bone Sickness is that it doesn't try to take an ironic or comedic approach in the least. There's never a point where they're trying to be cute or clever. Bone Sickness is some good old fashion ballsy Horror with no desire for compromise. Bone Sickness, above all, is refreshing. That is if you like that sort of thing.

https://www.morbidvisionfilms.com/BoneSickness/torninhalf.JPG Originally, Bone Sickness was self distributed, but once it got a re-release from Unearthed Films, the two man team of Brian Paulin and Rich George (Alex) created a new cut of the movie, including extra scenes, made up mostly of extra gore just for the fans. There's also a new sub plot involving goblins, but I'm not going to go into that right now. In one tasty new scene where Alex vomits up some worms, footage is added of him eating them. Who knows what purpose that served, but I thought it was pretty damn sweet just the same. Much respect to Rich George for taking one for the team.

One thing I love about Brian Paulin films is this guy always puts in the extra effort to make things even more disgusting and uncomfortable than the masters of gore that came before him. In this one, it's worms coming out of all holes. in his next film, Fetus, we get to witness a birth via dickhole. You just can't find this stuff anywhere else. So, if the crazier, more gruesome micro-budgeted gore like Violent Shit or the Guinea Pig series is what gets you going, do yourself a favor and give Bone Sickness, and Brian Paulin movies in general, an honest shot. Because life is too short to be without these movies if you're a gorehound. 6/10



#Review

Leif Jonker's Darkness (1993)



Vampire films come in many forms. As a huge fan, I'm open to just about anything having to do with the subject. Whether they're old new, big budget or low, there's a certain classiness about a Horror flick with a Vampire. Although, "classy" might not be the first word to come to mind when watching the film I've been meaning to tell you about. Darkness. Or Leif Jonker's Darkness, as it seems more known as. One of many micro-budgeted unknowns I came across courtesy of my favorite video store back in the 90's. As soon as the cover caught my eye, I was sold. There was just no way I'm passing this one up. I had a feeling about Darkness from the beginning. Going by the cool, gory cover and the description on the back, I knew I was in for something different. But I still had no idea what a cool discovery I had just made.

Three things that this movie has going for it. Three things which I feel makes up for its shortcomings. Shortcomings mostly being an obvious lack of story or script. Although, this doesn't hold the movie back nearly as much as it should. Three things make Darkness. Atmosphere, score and gore. Three qualities that give this unlimited rewatch value for me. Even 20 years later, Darkness impresses me to no end. The atmosphere is all in the camera quality. Grainy, blurry, dark. This looks very much like something from about 20 years prior. The songs chosen for this film are dark and nightmarish, and fit perfectly. At the time of my first viewing, For me, this experience was second only to Peter Jackson's Dead Alive in the gore department. But there's no slapstick or any type of lighthearted humor in the world of Darkness. This world is a dreary one. An apocalyptic tone rears its ugly head from the beginning. We don't know where or when we are, but we know there is something to run from. But all we can see is, you guessed it. Darkness!

As we soon discover, the world is in the early stages of being taken over by Vampires. Not a bunch of Draculas and Barnabas Collins'. Basically, a bunch of zombies which are killed by daylight. Technically, this is a zombie movie. And a running zombie movie on top of it. But they ARE vampires, which automatically makes this more interesting than an actual zombie movie. So, we begin with some hysterical teenager in a convenience store, trying to talk some sense in to a cop and a clerk. Their inability to get it quickly leads to the kid borrowing a gun and blowing his own brains out, out of sheer hopelessness, I guess. The first five minutes is nothing short of insanity and lets the viewer know that whatever is to come, it won't be pretty. Head Vampire, Liven soon arrives and cleans house. Taking everyone's blood and making a couple new vampires. The suicide kid's friend, Toby, witnesses all this carnage, but manages to get away unharmed. Since discovering that his family, as well as everyone in his hometown, is gone, Toby's goal in life is to get rid of any and all vampires using his shotgun, chainsaw and Holy water. Liven won't be so easy, but so far, he's tearing their shit up good. And once he discovers some other surviving young people, they may get one step closer to figuring out a solution to this nightmare. But ending Liven is the only way.

Here's a Horror film which really lives up to its name. It's all about Darkness, here. Even the scenes which were shot in daylight have a bit of a tint to them. While the nights looks blacker than the depths of Hell. Leif Jonker's Darkness is unlike anything I've seen before or since. As mesmerizing and fascinating as the nightmarish atmosphere can be, it's equaled only by the massive doses of blood and gore. This Jonker guy is generous to say the least. And his film is truly for the splatter fan by the splatter fan.



One thing you could call this movie is rough around the edges. This isn't exactly Blade, here. In a way, something far better. Jonker originally made this film as a "demo" or sorts. Just a taste of what he was all about, before making an "actual movie". And as Darkness got out there, it slowly gained a cult following throughout the 90's making this alleged real movie a real movie. After several releases on vhs and dvd, Leif Jonker's Darkness got its own official dvd release from Barrel Entertainment in 2006, as we were finally introduced to Darkness: The Vampire Version. The long awaited Director's cut, which was all cleaned up and featured a new score and even more gore. The gore is fine with me, but personally, I never took to this new version as the new score kills it for me. However, I still have to recommend this release, as it is packed with extras, including the original Darkness, making this one of the most prized dvds in my collection. So, decide for yourself which version suits you. but to me, Darkness doesn't get any darker than the original '93 version. Vampire fans and living dead fans alike might want to give this a chance. Fans of the obscure and unique definitely need this in their lives. But for gore fans, Darkness will be a wet dream come true. 7/10



#Review