Herschell Gordon Lewis always seemed like a mild-mannered guy. An old fashioned gentleman who always came off rather conservative, despite some of the movies he made. And even the crazier stuff he did was still pretty innocent, at least on some level. However, there was this one. A movie Herschell did in 1969 which I'm still a little baffled by. Linda And Abilene is what's on my mind, today. The only thing HGL did that could be considered a Western, not to be confused with the handful of Hixploitation films he made. Technically, this is a softcore Porno-Western we're talking about. A weird combination, but not unheard of in this era. What was most likely unheard of, not to mention a hell of a lot weirder, is a Softcore Porno-Western involving a brother-sister love story. This isn't exactly what people have in mind when referring to Herschell Gordon Lewis as a pioneer, but like it or not. Linda And Abilene exists.
In 1869, Todd and Abilene's parents were taken from them. Far too soon as we quickly gather. Young Abilene is taking the loss especially hard, but the siblings must go on, live life, keep the farm up and eventually start families of their own. The grief and loneliness becomes too much for them both as Todd and Abeline seem to become depressed. They're there for each other as much as a brother and sister can be, but they clearly need something more. Sex, romance. Normal stuff like that which makes it all the easier to move on. And then, one day, it happened: Todd saw his sister naked, and at that moment, realized something about himself: Todd would totally stick it to her if he had the chance.
The more Todd thinks about his sister's hot, luscious body, the more distracted he gets. However, with a stroke of good luck, it seems as if Abilene is starting to fancy Todd back. The growing feelings are pretty much confirmed during a scene where they both lay in bed and masturbate to the thought of each other. Soon, the desire becomes too much for them both as they give in to temptation by fucking the shit out of each other. And as we see in a montage, the next few days looks to be non-stop "brother-sister time". One might think this would make things awkward while doing chores together, but in reality, nothing at all is getting done, now, as Todd can't keep out of Abilene's vagina, and she's not about to turn down her big, strong brother's big, strong penis and hot, brotherly cum.They know it's wrong. I'm not 100% sure they know it's fucked up, but they know what they're doing ain't right. So, what should they do about this? Abilene isn't anywhere near bothered enough to consider ending things. Todd, on the other hand, is very torn, and becoming somewhat tormented by a gnawing guilt. He knows how their parents would feel about this. Most parents would be horrified at the thought of their own children in such an unnatural situation. Something has to change ... Soon! A few more thrusts wouldn't hurt. Then, no more incest!
It all becomes too much for Todd and he runs off to the saloon where he meets Linda, whose vagina he uses to possibly break the spell. A roughneck named Rawhide overhears Todd telling his new friend about Abilene and quickly heads out there to get some Abilene. First, claiming to be a hungry traveler, then, making his real intentions clear. So, Todd gets laid like a normal person while Abilene gets a sore vagina from the rapist. As Todd returns home, his sister fills him in on what happened, which may have been the biggest mistake of her life. Seeing nothing but red, Todd ignores Abilene's advice and goes off looking for the bastard rapist. While he's gone, Linda drops by for a visit. Abilene tells her to get lost, but Linda is kind to her and listens to her troubles. Linda's advice is that they go down on each other, which they quickly do. Todd still hasn't returned home, but it seems as though Linda and Abilene are now going to be lesbians together. So, whatevs.
Those who think they've seen it all from good 'ol H.G. might want to seek this one out if they haven't already. Though not a very interesting movie or premise without the Sexploitation/incest elements. The siblings don't seem to have personalities and everything is played as dry as humanly possible. The actress who plays Abilene isn't bad. Dull, but sweet and innocent-looking, not unlike Jane Jensen from Tromeo And Juliet, which is ironic if you've seen that one. One little tidbit that might be worth knowing is that Linda And Abilene was actually filmed at the Spahn Ranch, home of the Manson Family, who, from what I have read, made sure, above all else, to be present for Linda and Abilene's love scene. "A bunch of goofy kids, stoned out of their heads", Herschell once referred to them.So, I'm not sure anyone asked for this, but since it does exist, we might as well see the humor in it. That doesn't mean we have to understand it. The fact that this movie exists is a mystery on its own, but it leaves me asking certain questions. Like why does the parent's death leave a void that can seemingly only be filled with lots and lots of sex? what exactly was Abilene's and Todd's relationship like with these people? And I find it interesting how it's touched on that what the brother and sister are doing is wrong, but the movie seems oddly oblivious to how messed up this really is. Ultimately sending the message that sticking it to your sister isn't that weird as long as you're depressed and lonely. I don't know. That's what I get from all this. 5/10
#Review
By the mid-2000's, Chris Seaver's movie career was not only going strong, but it was actually evolving into something more. By this point, he had gained a healthy fanbase, created his own Kevin Smith/Troma-esque universe, and of course, upgraded to something more resembling film. Still far from "making it", Chris Seaver had still managed to survive the dark ages of SOV and went on from there. I think it's safe to say Seaver's peak was in the late 2000's, when movies like Terror At Blood Fart Lake and Deathbone came to be. As much as he improved his craft and moved up in the Z-movie world, the pressures of dealing with studios and the disappointments of certain films not turning out how he envisioned, got to Seaver, leading to the end of his long-running Low Budget Pictures Company, which everyone had seen as synonymous with Chris and his recurring characters. After filming one final epic, Low Budget Pictures was no more. The end of an era, but not the end.
Seaver wasn't about to throw in the towel, as he already had plans for something new to rise from the LBP ashes. Well, maybe "new" isn't the right way of putting it. In 2012, a new company was formed. Warlock Home Video was to be the successor to LBP. While Seaver didn't all together quit what he had been doing, Warlock was to offer something new. Warlock movies were to be 80's SOV throwbacks. Not only that, but they were to be portrayed as "lost" SOV classics, while Warlock itself being portrayed as a long-defunct company, now enjoying a second life. He may have survived the dark ages, and flourished in the 2000's, but Chris Seaver more or less bailed on the current decade, traveling back to a happier time, when movies like this were appreciated. Call it "devolving" if you want, but if Chris Seaver is happier in the 1980's, then, good for him!
Today, we're going to talk about one of the dumbest, one of the most pointless, one of the most 80's flicks that nobody has ever heard of. The perfect example of what Chris Seaver was going for at the time: More fun and less pressure. Clearly, that's what Stoinky Beach was all about. The root of its existence, I mean. The actual movie is one big hard-on for the 80's. Story be damned. Stoinky Beach insists that "It's the 80's and we're having fun!". The man who once played Teenape, Casey Bowker, stars as the recently-dumped Rick, whose girlfriend has up and decided she's done taking a backseat to Rick's friends. It's hard to not sympathize with Ariel, as Rick does only seem to care about drinking beer and eating Bratwurst with the same three guys. Though, they are good friends, I'll admit. The bros are immediately there to pick up the pieces by insisting they spend the day at Stoinky Beach. This beach is made out to be like Muslim-Heaven with the 72 virgins and whatnot. Except the virgins are replaced by sluts who are all drunk and down to fuck. That's what Rick needs. That's what they all need. Luckily, they all totally have each other's backs to the max.
In true 80's movie fashion, the bros meet an alien named Blumpy, played by LBP legend, Josh Suire. Blumpy has traveled to Earth in order to spread the message of love, or something like that. After making fast friends with Rick and the bros, Blumpy decides his mission is to reunite Rick and Ariel. Easier said than done as Ariel also has a group of friends who thinks Stoinky Beach is the answer. Ariel's friends insist that finding a hard, throbbing cock to choke, on will get her over Rick in no time. As Ariel gets cozy with some Solar Shade wearing beefcake with VD, Blumpy has a few tricks up his sleeve to shift things in Rick's favor. I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but I will say this: When it's all said and done, all the bros will have eaten shit straight out of Blumpy's ass. A twist which sums up this movie as good as anything else.
Sure. Such a movie was not exactly expected at this point in Chris Seaver's career. Stoinky Beach may be considered low brow even compared to his "Mulva days", but I can dig it. I can dig the 80's love and I can dig this clever attempt Seaver made at getting back to his roots. Hell, I can even dig how they didn't so much as attempt to make it out like there were people at this "happenin' beach". Say what you will about the abysmal quality and questionable story, you won't find a more authentic throwback. Stoinky Beach captures everything it's attempting to capture.
Adding filler to movies isn't exactly a crime, but that's not really what we're looking at, here, is it? We're looking at more than 60% of the runtime consisting of scenes from the original movie. And right after some familiar opening credits, the tone is set as we get a quick glimpse of Ethel in the mental hospital, only to be shown an immediate flashback which lasts thrice as long. Ethel sits there, day dreaming about the good old days during that short time period between grandmother's death and her inevitable capture. And even more tone setting as Ethel indulges in some old looking pudding after a light lunch. Ethel feels as if it wasn't enough and makes this known at the top of her lungs. At this point, we've practically already seen the entire movie.
As luck would have it, the nice people from the asylum hooked Ethel up with a spot in a halfway house, ran by Mrs. Bartholomew, whose motto is "We must never lose hope". And considering her first name is Hope, I'd say she really means this. Hope Bartholomew looks pretty old, but insists she's not Ethel's dead grandmother when accused. There's also some guy with a mustache, hanging around. Ethel thinks he's George "Buck" Flower, of all people. He's not.
What kind of careless dickhead does this? I get that not all directors take themselves or their movies super seriously, but this is so much more than an inferior sequel. And like I said, I don't even think this is a joke. Criminally Insane 2 is a scam. I'm not sure if Millard stood to make anything off this, but one afternoon in 1987, something resembling a sequel to Criminally Insane came to be. Like it or not. Whatever. I personally never asked for a sequel, so, this guy can shove it up his ass as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, though. It wouldn't have killed him to have a couple of those flashbacks take place during Ethel's stay at the nut house. Or if he was so in love with the original, why not remake it? Or do the sequel and have it be a short film. Literally anything but this would have been an improvement.
Often referred to as "a nightmare caught on film". I don't know about all of that, but it's certainly different. Using dark, grotesque imagery, Begotten tells the hilarious story of a family who are in a bit of a pickle. Cindy and Bob Russell have to leave town one night after they get a call, informing them that Cindy's father has suffered a heart attack. Bob and Cindy have three children, but feel it's best not to drag them along. After coming up short on every idea for an indefinite babysitter, Bob mentions that his brother, Buck, is always available. Cindy looks down her nose at the low-class Buck and does not want his unemployed fat ass in her house, but unfortunately, there is no choice. So, Bob makes the call and as luck would have it, the good-natured Buck agrees to crawl out of bed, drive across town and help out. While relieved, Cindy is still noticeably displeased that her worthless piece of shit brother-in-law is going to dirty her beautiful home, which should indicate as to how much she loves her father.
Buck was about to go to work for his girlfriend the next morning but has decided that his estranged family needs him more. Convenient, because Buck was not looking forward to that bullshit. All he has to do is look after a couple of kids, now. Or maybe three of them, he suspects. The two younger ones turn out to be rather pleasant, but then, there's Tia, the bitchy 15 year old who hates everyone and everything. The minute Tia lays eyes on her uncle, he is immediately added to the top of the list. Buck tries to remain jolly to maybe break the ice, but he's dead to Tia right off the bat. Why, you ask? Because fuck him! That's why!
The thing is, Pooter has been very depressed as of late. He has recently come to the realization that he will never live his dream as a comedian. A long time ago, Pooter settled for this clown costume which he has come to loathe more than life itself, just so he could feel like he's at least partially in comedy. Pooter finds it humiliating and now only sees it as a reminder that he's a failure. He doesn't usually drink so much that he's still drunk the next day but last evening happened to be the anniversary of his parent's suicide, so, Pooter is understandably a little down in the mouth. All he has left of them is his sister, whom he would die for.
Bernice is what some might call retarded. It is what it is. Pooter never developed proper social skills, and clearly, Bernice didn't either, so, neither of them know anybody besides each other now that their parents are dead. To put it as tastefully as possible, let's just say the loneliness eventually pushed the siblings into each other's arms, as they have not only fallen in love, but they regularly have intense, unprotected sex with each other. Only when the loneliness is too much to bear, you understand. Pooter doesn't feel great about it, and has contemplated ending things many times, but it's all reached a whole new level of complicated as of late. Bernice is pregnant with a potential freak baby which she wants to keep. It doesn't even seem like she completely grasps what has happened, but Pooter feels like an abortion is the right thing to do, even though it would go against everything he stands for.
In other news, Buck Russell eats so much cheese, he's starting to feel like a big mouse. This may be old news, and a little late in the game to make any diference because Tia continues to alienate her uncle when all he wants to do is be friends, and maybe even get to know her. Tia really knows how to push Buck's buttons, though, and he knows how to retaliate by being even more of a thoughtless oaf. Things get out of hand after Buck more or less threatens to murder Bug, which infuriates Tia, who fires the next shot by getting Buck in trouble with his girlfriend. This is exacerbated further when Melanoma-head is caught red-handed, dirty dancing with Aunt Jackie. There's no time to mourn the loss of his girlfriend, however, because Tia ran away and if Buck doesn't find her, her parents are going to be super pissed at him. As Buck's carefree life starts to crumble, he naturally steps up and does the responsible thing, eventually proving to everyone, including Tia, that he isn't a total piece of shit.
Now, I don't fault anyone for not being hip to something they've never partaken in. Even to this day, we have people that are very much unclear about many things pertaining to marijuana. And yes. This is a very long time ago, but this is still pretty insulting. A movie which frantically preaches against something for one reason, while giving another. A very different one. All this fuss over something nobody even attempted to do their homework on. In order to direct American citizens into the loving arms of alcohol, the government stoops to telling horror stories about the pot. Very preachy stories. In this particular one, we begin with a rather lengthy warning to read through, followed by some community members getting lectured in a parent-teacher meeting. Marijuana has become a problem as of late, and since it grows wild everywhere, it's hard to keep the desired level of control over the plant and those hip to this "ghastly menace", which they actually call it.
Bill and Mary are sweet on each other, and they like to have tea on the back porch after playing tennis. These two couldn't possibly have a more squeaky clean existence as they gently joke around with one another. Things quickly shift after their friend Jimmy introduces them to pot dealer, Jack. Bill is invited to Jack's pad where he finds a bunch of crazy reefer addicts who like to play the piano and dance while laughing like fiends. Bill decides this is for him and has himself a joint (marijuana cigarette), which, of course, immediately gets him hooked, making him say stuff like "Let's go Jack, I'm red hot!" Bill's life begins to suffer as he spends more and more time at his new friend's pad. Bill's best girl tracks him down, but instead of getting through to him, Mary is also lured into the spider web that is marijuana.
Mary gets stoned, and would have probably never stood a chance, even if things hadn't ended as tragically as they did. What I mean is that, once high, Mary is fondled and molested by some weirdo, and as a beyond fried Bill walks in and sees this, a fight breaks out which a gun is quickly brought into. The gun goes off, Mary is accidentally shot and killed, and after the knocked out Bill comes to, he is informed by the reefer addicts that he had just killed his girlfriend while blacked out. And how is he to argue? Bill can't remember anything. Unfortunately, the tragedies have only begun, as the guilt-ridden Bill, among others, are repeatedly reminded why it's best to stay clear of the ghastly menace!
No child is perfect. Some are closer than others, but none of them quite make it mainly because no human is capable of such status. Rhoda Penmark, on the other hand, does a superb job of creating the illusion of perfection, at least as far as well-behaved, polite, and all around pleasant eight year old girls go. OK, so, Rhoda can't possibly be perfect, but let's just say she's a great kid. A great kid who really has no reason not to be since she literally gets everything she wants and more. And as long as Rhoda gets everything she wants, everything is cool. Nevermind perfection, but she at least seems very normal, that is if you don't look too close. Rhoda doesn't seem to even notice that fact that she doesn't have any friends. As long as she is showered with love and attention by the adults in her life, everything is cool.
Yes. Rhoda has no understanding of right and wrong. Only how to pretend to. We witness her mask of sanity being slowly lifted when the handyman starts picking at her. Despite being sort of a low class degenerate, Leroy is the only person who sees through Rhoda at all. And even he's only half joking when making accusations. If Leroy knows what's good for himself, he'll let this thing go and get back to work, because Rhoda is close to snapping, because her mother, who loves her more than anything in the world, has discovered the horrible truth. Rhoda murdered that little boy when he refused to give up his medal to her. She's not sorry, either. What is there to be sorry about, anyway? Rhoda is happy because she now has her medal. What else could there possibly be to consider?
Christine is devastated beyond words once she realizes that she has given birth to a monster. And one that is already a professional ass kisser on top of it. The guilt and reality sets in when she has a couple run-ins with the drunken mother of the murdered child. Meanwhile, Christine has some serious thinking to do, but ultimately decides to cover up what has happened. After much soul searching and a long overdue discussion with her father, Christine makes a horrifying discovery about herself which may shed some light on why her daughter is the way she is.
1. I'll start with the most recent one. Today, I watched a little Christmas Horror on Shudder. A type of Horror I never have high expectations for, but happened to be in the mood for some. Reading the description didn't do much for me. It sounded like a generic, home invasion type deal, and quite a bit of time went by before I learned otherwise, but when the twist happens, it changes everything. Now, I'm not sure if letting you in on it is exactly a spoiler or not, but I figure the less you know about this one the better. About a 12 year old boy who is in love with his babysitter whose parents are about to move away. Tonight, the heartbroken little fella gets one more night with the girl of his dreams before she disappears from his life forever. So, with the help of his best friend/sidekick, the overly prepared Luke plans to make the most of this night. Although his poor friend has no idea how in over their heads they're about to get. Sometimes, it's just best to leave things alone...
Yeah. once this one starts getting good, it doesn't let up. Almost reminiscent of another movie I saw earlier this year called The Babysitter, which almost made this list, for the record. I much preferred this one as it's darker and less predictable, although this one seems to be considered predictable by many. Fair enough. Maybe it is, but I usually live in the moment whilst delving into some sweet, new Horror. Nice Home Alone references, nice ending, too. For some reason, I feel like a movie of this type would have had a similar ending had it been from the 50's or 60's. I can't explain it. It was just cool. So, do yourself a favor and see this! 7/10
2. Next up is a movie that is by no means good. Just a pleasant surprise I happened to come across on Youtube one day. A Biker flick which, as it would turn out, was directed by Brad Grinter. yes, THE Brad Grinter; co-director of one of the all-time great bad movies, Blood Freak. I was, of course, sold on this one immediately. A Florida-shot, Karate-Biker flick, Devil Rider made me feel right at home with an almost identical score as Blood Freak. I guess we now know where it was stolen from. In Devil Rider, we have a sassy little bitch who gets bored with her Karate instructor boyfriend and wanders off with a bunch of no good bikers who are obviously trouble from the beginning. Although not so obvious to her. Kathy wants a little excitement. well, she's getting it. Drugs, (lousy looking) fights, life on the edge. She soon regrets this and realizes how good she had it. The parents are worried and sends a private investigator after her, who ends up tracking down her older sister, which leads to a very out of place sub-plot (aka filler). When the P.I. comes up short, it's up to the Karate square to track Kathy down, leading to a fight to the death, with the same music playing that Herschell and Ann made love to in Blood Freak. No, seriously...
Ok. So, not a good movie, and I could think of many that are more deserving to be on here, but anything that reminds me of Blood Freak; well, enough said, right? I just love these Florida-shot Exploitation films from the 60's and 70's. Herschell Gordon Lewis, Barry Mahon, etc. It certainly was a different time for film making. There really needs to be a documentary which explores these movies and the people who made them. Devil Rider is far from the best of the bunch, and hardly the best Biker flick out there, but if you like both those things, give it a shot, at least to witness Angel from Blood Freak kicking the shit out of somebody. 4/10
3. How 'bout a little Sci-fi? This year, I've seen quite a few new Sci-Fi films. Not exactly new. New to me, I mean. I'm not big on the modern stuff. And by "modern stuff" I mean Star Wars and onward. I'm more about the trips to the Moon/Mars and really bad giant monsters from the 50's and 60's. The really inept stuff that seemed to replace the Horror genre for a short time. Nothing all that special about them. They're just good, mindless fun. However, in 2017, I came across an interesting one from 1962 called The Creation Of The Humanoids. This one really stood out for me as it seems to have far more substance and depth than just about anything I've seen from the era. This is one of those futuristic films with a story which takes place long after wars nearly destroyed society. Nuclear wars wiped out over 90% of the human population while the remaining few eventually put their heads together and found a way to rebuild the world. By using robots as workers, humans have created an even better world than before. These robots are a little too good at their jobs, a little too smart, and even a little too reasonable, at times. Humans are starting to get a little insecure, and some are taking steps to keep these once thought to be inferior robots in check.
"The Order Of Flesh And Blood", they call themselves. They aim to make sure these artificial workers remain just that. Referred to as "clickers", These self-aware machines believe they deserve to be treated as equals, as some human's also share this belief. When an order member discovers his sister in romantically involved with one of these things, he doesn't take it well, and tries to force an end to it, but ultimately learns a thing or two about these clickers, as well as the future of humankind. I can't help but see a parallel between this story and bigotry which has always plagued the world and probably always will. A truly thoughtful Sci-fi epic that all fans should see. 7/10
4. I can't say there are many part 7's I've seen that I thought all that highly of. The 7th Friday The 13 is really the only one that comes to mind. Puppetmaster 7 was most likely stupid. However, the Child's play/Chucky series only seems to be getting better with age. Not exactly a prediction I would have made as a kid after renting Child's Play 3. After a new low with Seed Of Chucky, the series was firmly put back on track with "Curse". I actually would have bet on that one being the final installment, but here we are. And here Nica is. In an insane asylum, accused of killing her family. Due of Chucky's actions, Nica has been heavily medicated, put through electro-shock therapy and pretty much had her life ruined. Maybe she is crazy, though. She's still seeing Chucky even in the nut house. In fact, Nica is now seeing multiple Chuckys. and then there's this sub plot involving Andy from the first three movies. He has Chucky's living head which he likes to torture with fire, sometimes. A seemingly unrelated series of events, though awesome, nonetheless. To complicate things further, we got Tiffany hanging around who is still occupying the body of conveniently similar-looking actress, Jennifer Tilly. Yeah. Something is definitely not right, here.
Kind of a mind fuck, huh? I still don't think I got everything down 100%, but hey. That's OK with me. I really enjoyed this one. In fact, I would go so far as to say this is the best installment since part 2. The confusion caused by this unusual storyline seems fitting, only because the main character, Nica, isn't even sure about her own sanity, much less the meaning behind the madness. Respect to Don Mancini for thinking outside the box with this one and giving a Child's play fan everything they could ask for. If Cult Of Chucky ends up being the final installment, I couldn't think of a better send-off. 7/10
5. Now, for a drastic change of tone with an animated film from the 80's I recently discovered. This one is a real downer. Seriously; like Watership Down times ten. Message heard loud and clear as this is a very anti-war little movie with comic-book style animation that may be a little misleading, considering the subject matter. Here we have a long-retired, British couple who have probably been married most of their lives and know each other inside and out. We oversee them discussing a possible war between England and Russia. The government has provided them with pamphlets which explain what to do if the worst happens. Pamphlets which the old folks put all their faith in, as they do also with the government, of course. As they build their little shelter, the bomb drops, and they do survive. However, more damage has been done than their minds could comprehend. As far as we know, Jim and Hilda Bloggs could be the only survivors within hundreds of miles. As they wait in boredom for help to arrive, the old couple offer their long outdated opinions of what war is like. This, of course, was a nuclear war. As the poison in the air slowly takes effect, we watch Jim and Hilda ignorantly cling to hope, never considering the inevitable worst case scenario.
As the viewer, you want them to somehow survive, but are never given a reason to get remotely optimistic. Some pretty dark stuff, watching this old couple, who have spent a lifetime together, have their final conversations, reminiscing, comforting each other in vain, with no knowledge that their own children and grandchildren probably no longer exist. Existing as long as the poison allows them. Yeah. sometimes, other genres are more horrible than Horror, itself . 7/10
6. I'm not even sure why I'm putting this one on here. I guess some movies are so weird and random that something just needs to be said. So, I'm going to go ahead and say a few words about 1973's The Baby. This Horror-Thriller is about a family who's having to deal with an overly involved social worker who keeps popping in to oversee the infant son. The Wadsworth family consists of the mother, two grown daughters and their brother, "Baby", who is actually 21 years of age, but has the mind of an 8 month old. For some reason, the other members of the family aim to keep it that way and are cunty to Baby if he tries to know stuff. The social worker, Ann, has taken a special interest in Baby, taking every opportunity she can to prove that he is capable of not being a total retard, thus proving the fact that he has indeed been forced to remain this way, which is probably illegal. I honestly can't say I ever thought about it until I saw this movie. Anyway, Ann is getting on everyone's last nerve but is still determined to get to the bottom of this weirdness whatever it takes. Although it almost feels like she's a little too wrapped up in this not to have an ulterior motive.
To be honest, I'm not particularly fond of babies, so, to see a grown man portraying one so accurately is a little unsettling. This guy actually cries like an actual infant, which I guess speaks volumes for his acting abilities, but makes me want to kick him. Although everythng he does, makes me want to kick him, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's really nothing wrong with this odd movie either, as it's all pretty intriguing and played straight which somehow makes this story seem all the weirder. The ending was pretty unexpected and left me with mixed feelings. Yeah, that's pretty messed up. 6/10
7. Recently, I bought a movie on dvd called Dreaming Purple Neon. It's not every day I get hold of some Todd Sheets that I haven't seen already. Although I know there's at least a dozen of his older ones that is damn near impossible to locate. And if something does pop up, it's probably a vhs for 200 bucks on Amazon. But yeah, this was pretty exciting. Not because I was expecting some good 'ol familiar Sheets, but mainly to see how this guy has improved his craft after all these years. The most recent one of Todd's movies I've seen was Zombie Bloodbath 3, so, I really had no idea what to expect. Possibly something unrecongizable to what I know a Sheets film to be. And while this new one is leaps and bounds above anything I've seen out of this guy, no. Dreaming Purple Neon actually wasn't completely unrecognizable, which I was happy to see. However, this film I'm about to describe proves one thing: Hard work does get you somewhere in life. Quite a difference, indeed. No more camcorder, no more improvising. This is Todd Sheets evolved!
8. You know what? I don't believe I've ever written about a Giallo. That needs to change and it needs to change, right now. This year, I finally watched what is now by far my favorite of the genre. 1972's Your Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key. One of the longest titles you'll find in any genre, and in my opinion, one of the damn finest Giallos I've seen. Like most of these, "Vice" is a Crime-Thriller with a hint of Mystery. In this film we have a writer named Oliviero who is knee deep in writer's block, and a miserable bastard because of it. Or maybe he is, anyway. This drunken prick throws shin digs for local hippies where he usually finds ways to humiliate the wife. Of course, when there are no guests around, Irina gets far worse. There have been some murders, recently, and despite providing a false alibi for her husband, Irina suspects he may be the killer. She knows exactly how sadistic he can be, so, when he looks at her, the hatred in his eyes is now even more worrying. Things get even more complicated when Oliviero's prostitute niece comes for a visit. They don't seem to like each other, but this doesn't stop them from getting it on. It's not yet clear what Floriana's agenda is, but it's clear she has one. There's mind games coming from everywhere, people are still getting killed, and Irina is about to lose her patients with Oliviero's asshole cat!
I'll be honest. I've only enjoyed about 1/3 of the Giallos I've seen. There seem to be two different types. By that, I mean the ones that take place in a secluded mansion, like this one, as opposed to those that are set in the city. There's something really peaceful and calming about Giallos with a more isolated setting. The haunting score makes this even more true. Your Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key is a classy/sleazy take on Edgar Allen Poe's The Black Cat, full of sex and gory slayings. A story which sees no need to rush, "Vice" can be as slow as it needs to be, because it's just that intriguing. 9/10
9. Earlier this year, I watched a sweet caveman epic from Hammer Films called One Million Years B.C. and I can honestly say with a straight face that I really like these types of movies. That 80's one with Shelly Long, I can do without, but movies like this are nice for when you're in the mood for something that doesn't require a lot of attention, yet somehow manages to not be boring, despite there not being any real dialogue. Although writing about a movie that is devoid of conversation isn't the easiest thing in the world. However, I dig this enough that it really should be included. Raquel Welch stars in this Adventure Fantasy about a caveman who gets pissed at his father and brother and breaks away from the tribe. This guy kind of looks like Jesus if Jesus looked more like Tommy Chong. Now on his own, Tumak barely manages to avoid getting himself killed by giant Iguanas, Turtles and Tarantulas. Tumak comes across another tribe and is invited to stay (I think). Soon he meets a nice, young lady who fancies him. This doesn't sit well with some dick who quickly makes it clear that he doesn't want Tumak around. Despite introducing a little bravery into the fold, Tumak is eventually asked to get lost (I think), but his new lady friend follows him. Together, they now must find the courage to explore this harsh, untouched world.
Well, this was certainly the most interesting thing from Hammer I've come across. Not to imply that's saying a whole lot. Then again, we don't usually get to stare at Raquel Welch throughout the entire duration. Anyone seen what she looks like nowadays? Looks like somebody made a pact with the Devil, or something. I don't know. That ain't normal. But yeah. Wonderful caveman epic. Wonderful especially when compared to shit like Quest For Fire. Most of the time, no dialogue just doesn't work. Though occasionally, all can fall into place, given the right performances and direction. One word of any actual language was never uttered in this movie, yet it really wasn't necessary. 7/10
10. And lastly, my favorite first time viewing of the year. Like most of these, I did not expect to like this one as much as I did. Throwbacks are fine. Sometimes, they're more than fine, but never anything groundbreaking or remarkable, right? Well, not too long ago, I watched an absolutely gorgeous movie from 2016 that left me more impressed than anything I've seen all year. Blood Of The Tribades is an obvious throwback. A homage to Jean Rollin, Jess Franco, and with a dash of Hammer. This film takes place in the year 2000 A.B. which implies that it either takes place in the future or in another universe. I'm going with choice B, which would make this Fantasy-Horror. In the village of Bathor, there lives many Lesbian Vampire women who have lived so long, most of them can't even remember who they are or where they originally came from. These Vampires are being hunted down and killed by a cult of men who are covered in what looks to be meth sores. For some reason, they're blaming on these women, even though they have no reason to. Led by the Hitler-like Grando, these dim-witted meth heads are motivated by superstition and Religious fears. Long-forgotten lovers, Élisabeth and Fantine, desperately try to remember their past so they can save this ancient society before their Vampire god returns and casts judgment.
I'm picking up some serious anti-Christianity vibes, here. Maybe even some feminist overtones along with it. Such a beautiful film, though. Anyone familiar with these types from the 70's really needs to track this one down. The Fantasy element was also a welcomed addition. A quality some of those older ones might have benefited from. There were also an unusual amount of naked dicks in this movie. Another unexpected quality. Plenty of titties, blood, red smoke, as well. Beautiful score, beautiful visuals. So very surreal. As dark and beautiful as a January morning at 4 AM. With only a 20 thousand dollar budget, Blood Of The Tribades sets out to capture a vibe and resurrect a genre thought to be long dead. Never has a throwback succeeded so gracefully. 8/10
Forget porn. Martyrs is a torture epic. An epic that, at times, isn't easy to watch. This film is about a girl named Lucie and her friend, Anna. Both have issues, but Lucie's are the kind from which one never recovers. When Lucie was a child, she was kidnapped and tortured by unknown assailants whom she narrowly escaped, but not without scars. Physical and mental. In fact, a different person escaped that day. Whatever type of woman Lucie was to grow up to be was already dead. In her place would be a withdrawn basket case, incapable of accepting love or kindness, and literally plagued by demons who are slowly gnawing away at what's left of her soul.
While Lucie did escape her captors, they were never brought to justice. Now in her 20's, Lucie is still far from ok with this. In fact, she is so not ok with this lack of justice, that she is about to take matters into her own hands. As we now oversee a seemingly normal family eating breakfast, a knock is heard at the door. As the father answers, he is suddenly blown away by a young woman with a shot gun. Lucie barges in and goes on to destroy this family in cold hearted fashion. Yeah, the little girl gets it, too. Shot right in the back. While harsh, Lucie was simply THAT pissed at the parents. After years of searching, Lucie had finally found her tormentors, and had finally given herself a little bit of peace ... or has she? Lucie's scars are so deep, there is no level of retribution that can turn back time, at this point. What's done is done.
And then, there's Anna. Lucie's only friend, who is loyal, maybe to a fault. Make that definitely. Either way, Anna loves Lucie with all her heart, and will do anything to help make things easier. Lucie knows this and gives Anna a call from the now dead family's house, asking for assistance in disposing of some bodies. As always, Anna is on her way. While we wait with Lucie, we witness yet another side-effect of her scars: Delusions. Delusions which seem as real to Lucie as they do us. At some point, the poor girl dreamed up a friend which is far more damaged than herself. A friend who sometimes attacks her, making even more scars. Of course, it's merely Lucie attacking herself. However this "friend" of her's is based on a real person whom she refused to help escape as she was almost out the door all those years ago. That's where a lot of the mental scars come from: Guilt over what probably became of that other girl who only wanted to live, and maybe could have even had a somewhat normal life, had Lucie only taken the time to set her free before limping to freedom. Nothing can change what happened that day. Even after doing what was asked of her by killing this family, it's still not good enough. What's done is done.
Anna just hangs around the dead family's house with seemingly no plan. Long enough to notice a secret passage way in some cabinets, leading to an underground torture room. In this room, Anna discovers the final victim of this evil couple who destroyed her friend's life. And Anna being Anna, she helps this poor girl who is easily ten times more fucked up than Lucie was. Once a girl, now a grotesque freak, incapable of even communicating. All this person wants to do is destroy herself. Anna should have left, but she stuck around. Maybe she felt like she had failed Lucie, and saw this creature as her retribution.
It is unclear what Anna's plan was, but she makes an attempt at cleaning up the freak, and later, tries in vain to get her to calm down, although, she's about to calm down permanently, as a bullet randomly flies in, putting this tortured soul down, where she belongs, to be honest. Anna now has some visitors who have a lot of questions for her. As Anna fills them in, it soon becomes clear. These people are the employers of the original captors. And as they force Anna down to the torture room, she is clued in as to what all this business is about. There is a bigger picture that even the sickest of minds wouldn't have considered, and Anna is about to become the center of it all, as she is sucked into a hell far worse than the one Lucie experienced. Goddamn, it sure doesn't pay to help people, these days, does it?
Megan Stewart is a drugged-out, 14 year old little slut who parties way too much. Megan is super popular, but clearly for the wrong reasons. Megan feels like she has already grown up far too fast, but the truth is, she merely started doing drugs and having sex at a ridiculously young age. Not the same thing. Guys use Megan, And she uses them back. To her, these things are normal, or at least not a problem. Megan's problems are solely due to a dysfuctional home life, which includes a raging, bitch mother with molesting boyfriends. Screwing her up even further. Megan's only saving grace is her best friend, seemingly her only real friend, Amy Herman.
Amy is a year younger, and seems immature for her age, but in reality, she's just a normal, insecure 13 year old. Despite Megan's many faults, which also includes being dragged down by the peer pressuring popular crowd, she is a true friend to Amy, and is always trying to help her come out of her shell, while always on the verge of becoming a destructive influence. As wrapped up as Megan is in her drug/sex-filled life, and douche bag friends, it seems as though Megan envys Amy in all her unpopularity and awkwardness. One could say Megan Lives vicariously through her innocence.
Megan recently met a guy online. A guy whose face she has yet to see, who claims to be only slightly older, while offering no proof. Not that most 14 year olds would even think to ask if they're already getting attention from an older guy. Amy seems to be the only one who knows of this inevitable hook up, but is of course also far too naive to think anything of this. And one day, Megan vanished. As this abduction gets lots of media attention, A huge void is felt within her high school, but with no one more than Amy, who has now been revealed as the main character. Amy, who now feels more vulnerable than she ever has in her life, quickly turns to Megan's online beau, and soon makes the choice we all saw coming, of telling no one of this faceless stranger. Soon, Amy vanishes, too. We have a pretty good idea of what's going on, here. While we never learn much about what happened to Megan, we do witness Amy's fate in graphic, sickening detail.
Still in Italy, and just days after production completed on Flesh For Frankenstein, the Morrissey/Warhol gang gets started on their Vampire movie. An old school, Gothic production with the trashiness and a little of the dark humor from the previous film. Yet, this one is heavier on the dark than it is on the humor. Possibly the most mean-spirited adaptation to date, as well as the most nudity and sex-filled. Once again, high-art meets trash, and the result is once again something quite special, but really, really odd at the same time.
As fortune would have it, we get yet another pairing of Udo Kier and the fabulous Arno Juerging, whose performance is every bit as eccentric as one would expect. It seems like a bit of a reversal of roles , when looking back on their interactions from Frankenstein. This time around, Arno is more or less in charge. Dracula's servant is more hands on than he would probably prefer, because Count Dracula is not doing well. Fresh out of virgin blood for some time, Dracula is aging and withering away pretty fast, and it's up to Anton to think of something quick before he's out of a job. Anton suggests they take a road trip to Italy to find a nice, Catholic family with virgin daughters they may want to give away. This plan, however, does not involve Dracula's sister, who is in the same shape he is. With seemingly no relunctance, Anton and the count stuff her in a coffin and skip town, on a quest for virgin blood.
So, no virgins in Transylvania, I take it. why not just kidnap a child? Anyway, after arriving in Italy, Anton asks around about local Religious families, and is soon pointed in the direction of the broke ass Di Fiore family, who have four daughters. One of them has to be a virgin, right? Well, two of them spend most of their time fucking the asshole servant, Mario, played by Joe Dallesandro. Joe, once again, gets all the poon he can handle, and they're certainly grateful for it. The parents are of course oblivious to all of this, and when approached by Anton, they jump at the chance at gaining a rich in-law, and agree to let them have their pick of virgins to take back to Romania forever.
As Mario takes occasional breaks from pulverizing the Di Fiore daughters' vaginas, he starts to suspect that something might not be right about this Count Dracula character, as well as that little Anton fuck who is just making everything far more awkward than it needs to be. The parents are too oblivious and money hungry to notice what's going on, but Mario aims to figure this guy out. Not so much out of loyalty to his employers, or the desire to hold on to both of his fuck toys. Mario just really hates rich people. Throughout the movie, he goes on several rants about the rich and how he can't wait until they all get what's coming to them. and while he is the most noble character, technically the hero of the movie, Mario is actually quite abusive to his two friends, slapping them around or raping them when they get mouthy. And in passing, he also makes it quite clear that he'll stick it to the 14 year old if he gets the chance. Actually, that may not be such a bad idea from her perspective, as Dracula is now more desperate than ever for some virgin blood.
Speaking of people who have no problem raping kids, Roman Polanski, of all people, graces us with his presence in a random cameo where he almost beats Anton's ass. Once again, Arno Juerging is my favorite part of all of this. No longer the timid little weirdo from Flesh For Frankenstein, Arno shows he's no one trick pony, as he portrays a more high strung weirdo, who seems positively uncomfortable in his own skin. Joe Dallesandro surprises me, this time. With even more dialogue to work with, he actually says it all like he means it. Maybe he snuck in a acting lesson or two between shootings? Or maybe he just wasn't high, this time. Personally, I liked all these people better in Flesh For Frankenstein, but that mostly goes for Udo Kier. Udo is more desperate and sickly, this time. A bit prissy for some reason, too. Udo just doesn't command attention like he did in the previous film, and isn't really the deviant freak from before. He just wants to not die. And what's up with the VIRGIN blood? Why is that a thing? And why is he out in the sunlight? Of all movies, you'd think this one would get it right. I'm a total Frankenstein guy when it comes to this double feature, but this is still my all-time favorite Dracula film, which is worth every bit of cult status it has. Too bad this didn't lead to a trilogy. Andy Warhol's Jekyll And Hyde has such a nice ring to it! 8/10