Return Of The Living Dead LITE



Just once, I'd love to see an awesome, legendary horror film come along and impress us all while making plenty of money for everyone without studio greed and desperation rearing its ugly head. Why can't they ever just say "Great job, guys! Let us know if you have anymore ideas". Nope! Success means that success must be Xeroxed at all costs. And as many times as possible. If it made money, there must be an attempt at repeating the formula to milk a few more bucks out of the biggest fans. One or more sequels CAN be fine, but some movies just need to be left the hell alone! If that's just not an option, then maybe don't make a watered-down rehash. This is often something that can cheapen the greatness of the original in the eyes of many. A hard thing to do in this case, as this particular original is pretty much perfect, in my opinion. 1985's Return Of The Living Dead is pure 80's greatness. One of, if not the greatest 80's horror film of all time. 1988's Return Of The Living Dead Part II, on the other hand. Well, let's just say this movie is what late 80's horror is all about: Beating a dead horse!

Not to say the original movie was a dead horse, or something nobody cared about, but it already happened. It came and went. People had seen it. This extremely watered-down sequel was just a prime example of the dwindling creativity from a nearly dead heyday for the genre. Those last couple of years didn't offer us a hell of a lot in terms of quality or originality. However, one might think a movie like Return Of The Living Dead Part II could have an advantage, getting to ride the coattails of its predecessor. Financially? Yeah, I guess. As a fan, knowing an already weak movie is not only connected to such a masterpiece, but completely dependant on it, makes it come off all the weaker. Nowhere near the worst thing from the latter part of the 80's. Not even close. But keeping the original in mind? Yeah, get the fuck outta here with that!

I think the most noticable difference between this movie and the original is that this one is completely devoid of that nightmarish tone which has been replaced by a tone of silliness and parody. The original was hilarious, but there was a noticeable balance. No more "spooky" delinquent teenagers. Instead, we got these little kids. Two dicks and some little pussy, who, for some reason, is the main character. After the pussy kid runs away from the dicks, they all stumble across a barrel under a bridge, which has been misplaced by the Army. The head dick locks the pussy in a mausoleum, and the two dicks go back and open the barrel, infecting themselves and unleashing the inevitable Trioxin into the air, infecting the nearby graveyard.

The pussy can't get out of the mausoleum until a couple of grave robbers break in and catch him, allowing him to eventually run out. The two grave robbers are portrayed by James Karen and Thom Matthews, who are, more or less, playing the same characters from the first movie. Don't get me wrong. Those guys are great. They made the original even better than it would have been, but wedging them into this one feels like the director is saying "Yeah, I know this movie is lame, but at least these guys came back". Yes, they definitely made this movie better as well, but their presence only makes me take this movie even less seriously. And don't even get me started on the Tarman cameo...

The pussy figures out what is going on and aims to get in touch with the Army before things get out of hand, but is endlessly hindered by his idiot sister. As we witness the resurrection of a bunch of goofy-looking zombies to a really annoying soundtrack, the grave robbers are, of course, also infected. After the pussy informs the Army of all the chaos, he, his sister and some guy run into the now hysterical grave robbers, who are pretty much fucked by now. However, they still think medical attention will make a difference. In reality, it is too late for them. But we already know that because we've seen the first movie. Pussy and pals hook the grave robbers up with a doctor, but it's no use. As they wander off and become undead, the pussy, his sister, some guy and the doctor rush to find a way to help stop the madness. Ultimately, this leads to the pussy standing up to an undead version of the head dick from earlier, giving us the closure we never knew we needed.

I will say one nice thing about this movie. It has what might be my all-time favorite cover/poster. I remember being a little kid, looking through the horror section at my local video store when this first came out. Creepy covers such as Rosemary's Baby and Fright Night stand out in my memory. None stimulated my imagination more than Return Of The Living Dead Part II. I remember renting "Night" and "Return", and then thinking "Wow! THAT one must be the scariest movie ever made". I'm not sure why I never rented this sequel, but some years later, I remember catching the last half of it on FOX one Saturday afternoon, and thinking to myself, "Hmmmmm... ok, then".

The only thing I hate more than a cash grab is an obvious cash grab. That and lame dad humor. This sequel has not only managed to replace the genuinely scary tone of the original with comedy, but really bad comedy. Like when the zombie and the guy were struggling on the floor, only for both of them to stop in their tracks and become mesmerized by the aerobics chick on tv, leading to all the zombies doing the same. You would think it was full blown porn, going by their reaction. The Harry Truman gag was almost clever. Never mind the zombie who fell for it only looked to be dead a few months. I get that it's not a realistic movie to begin with, but come on! That thing would be nothing but bones if the last President he remembered was Truman. The jokiness of it all, along with the obvious attempt at a PG-13 rating should have discouraged anyone who might have expected a half decent sequel. And being so dependant on the ideas of the original while completely discarding it, makes this all the more unlikable to me. It's no wonder why, years later, they made it a point to get away from anything resembling either of these movies with part 3. Now, that's how it's done! I can't praise that one enough. And as for 4 and 5... Well, that's another story. And I'll go ahead and let someone else tell that one. I just don't have the heart for it. And to think things actually get worse than THIS shit. Sometimes, it really is for the best to quit while you're ahead. 3/10



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Curse of Chucky 2013

Can you believe it's been 10 years since this movie came out? This series is as old as I am, so I must overthink these things. Fiona Dourif (born 1981) plays Nica (born 1988), and is thus supposed to be 25 in the movie. So I was 25 when this came out. God, I miss my 20s. I didn't do much with them, but I sure did love being more resiliant in those years. And it had only been 8 years without a Chucky movie and I'd already thought this franchise was dead...

I'm glad this movie went back to its horror roots after becoming a total joke with Seed (which is still an entertaining movie). It feels like this movie snuck up on us. Since 2006, we were all expecting a remake perhaps, but we got something much better. They put it as DTV, and it does feel that way, but it's still well crafted. A bit more CGI than I'd prefer, but enough practical effects to be worthwhile.

Nica is a good character. I remember thinking she was pretty hot when I first saw this movie. Boy, they really put her through the wringer, didn't they? Her whole life, she can't catch a break. Unless that break is in her legs. As of this current post, I have yet to see season 2 of the show, but I'm really curious to see wtf happens to her, considering season 1's ending. Yikes!

I also really liked the fleshed out backstories. It expands on the original's opening to come full circle, and you even get ol' Brad to act in it. He is 25 years older playing 25 years younger. Unfortunately now, he's no longer capable of physically playing the character. I guess his age would show too much, kinda like how in The Irishman how De Niro and Pacino are playing characters half their age, and while they try to have that energy, they still move like old people. Great movie though, but I can see how it would be a little distracting if Brad kept playing him into today, but it was nice in this circumstance. If this movie were made today, they would be able to deepfake young Dourif's face onto old Dourif's body.

Curse is a good flick. One of the higher points of the franchise, even classy at times. I actually don't think any of the entries in this franchise are terrible, though I think part 3 is kinda weak, and Seed is kind of the black sheep of the series. Even that unwarranted slap-in-the-creator's-face remake from 2019 was entertaining enough. So, maybe this would be in the top 3 of the series?

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Seagull: Definitely A Movie



Aside from a few exceptions, I firmly believe movies ought to make sense. It should be the second rule of filmmaking right behind entertainment value, or in some cases, interesting subject matter, depending on the genre. I was watching this one movie the other day, and while it seemed to go OK for a while, it occured to me about half way through that I hadn't a single fucking clue as to what was happening or who anyone was. Not exactly the first time I've lost track of a storyline but I'm positive it wasn't just me this time. I'll admit I was a little high, but I don't get THAT high!

There's this young woman stuck on an island, barely surviving. She has this shack built for herself to live in. One day, she accidentally burns the thing down, then immediately decides to walk off and go home, ultimately revealing that this is merely a beach. A beach this person has been living on for eight years for... uh, reasons. We are then introduced to this depressed British family who doesn't seem particularly happy with each other or themselves. There's this older man, his overly-dependant, alcoholic wife in a wheelchair, some other young woman, and a little girl, who seems like she might be the center of the story... Whatever that means. Nobody seems to think very highly of the older man, except maybe the little girl. They seem to have some kind of special bond. I'm not sure what he is to her or who he is to anyone accept the wife, probably making him the step dad to the older girl. But, man, she sure hates his ass. However the reason for this is never revealed. I'm pretty sure the little girl isn't her daughter. We're later left to assume she might be the daughter of the one from the beach.

The one from beach land has now made her way back into town, and with the help of some guy, she kidnaps (reclaims?) the little girl from the older man when she spots them out in public one day. He doesn't take this well and aims to do something about it. The woman from the beach seems more or less feral, incapable of speaking, so, she can't confirm that she's the mother or what she wants to do now that she has the little girl in her possession, which makes for some very pointless scenes. She kind of reminds me of the woman from that movie, The Woman (2011). Just not as dirty or as savage-like. Still not particularly reasonable. No idea how living on a beach for eight years makes someone act like this. Especially forgetting how to talk and shit. This mystery beach person seems to really despise the older man, who might be her step-father, but this is never confirmed or even brought up. It's possible the woman in the wheelchair and the other young woman back at home are her mother and sister, but it is never acknowledged one way or the other. If that's true, then they don't give a shit and barely noticed that they were missing a family member for nearly a decade. We're left to make assumptions as to how everyone in this movie is connected/related, making it impossible to know what the fuck all of this is about and what everyone's deal is. But there is certainly a problem, aside from the little girl being kidnapped, I mean. There is an obvious lack of communication. Not only between the characters, but between the writer and the viewer.

Near the end, an attempt is made to explain how and why this pissed off mute was banished to the beach for eight years in a quick flashback where the older man is seen putting her in a bearhug and dropping her off a cliff onto the beach. I feel like there was some kind of secret he was afraid of getting out and/or back to the wife, and ridding this person of his life must have been the only way to deal with this problem. Did he fuck her or something? Is that little girl his? Is he actually related to anyone? I take it he's the bad guy, because throwing someone off a cliff is rarely justified this day in time. Why the hell did this woman just stay on the beach for all those years and let that guy get away with whatever it was he did? If, for some reason, she felt unwanted by everyone else, why not just go home and be all like "fuck you guys" and then get her own place?

There was another flashback earlier on which takes place before the bearhug of doom where overly-dependant wheelchair wife is being physically abusive to beach girl and gets herself knocked down the stairs, most likely explaining her legs not working anymore and more or less confirming their relation. I wouldn't necessarily call Seagull a bad movie. At least it doesn't seem to be if you don't pay too close attention. Had certain necessary details not been forgotten, this might have been pretty good. But they were, so, we're left scratching our heads. At least I was. And just to be extra sure it wasn't just me, I got a second opinion before writing this. So, yeah, like I said. I don't get quite THAT high, but apparently, somebody out there does. 3/10



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F9 - The Fast Saga!

F9, the ninth entry in this fucking ridiculous series. Do people really love it as much as they think they do? I think Vin is mediocre at best, and none of the rest of the main cast are particularly A-listers that can sell a movie outside of these nostalgia-ridden teamup efforts. If you don't have a good cast, surely, you must have a good story, right?

Nope. Old plot details are forced into this movie as our characters literally question why they're still alive and unscathed after all these insane car stunts gone impossibly perfect. There are no stakes here, and there never will be.

This movie starts off hilariously stupid. What's-her-face got flung and is falling a large distance, so what does Vin do? He catches her... with his car! She's perfectly fine landing on that fucking tank of a vehicle that could withstand getting bashed into a mountainside repeatedly without sustaining a single dent. I very promptly began to ask myself, "What the hell am I watching?"

As funny as things could be, they were also really boring at other times. These movies are so formulaic, it makes me want to blow chunks. Eventually, I got really bored and stopped watching entirely. I've already forgotten half of the half I just watched, because none of these movies are unique.

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Pam & Tommy

I'm not a fan of Motley Crue, but I am a fan of titties, so I binged it. Pretty interesting series of events. Rand (Seth Rogen) is a carpenter who Tommy Lee (Sebastian Stan) gives the runaround and refuses to pay him for his work, which really screws him over financially. In "compentory" retaliation, Rand steals the sex tape...

You want him to get revenge because Tommy is such an entitled dick. Rock star in the worst way, which is to say Stan played him well. The performances are great. Lily James has a fantastic likeness to Pam, and the whole series is about how she was screwed over the most, and how Rand has a crisis and tries to right the wrong, but it ends up being too late.


As much of an asshole as Tommy is, they portrayed the relationship as mostly genuine, even though they rushed into it pretty damn quick. Married after knowing each other for a couple days... Still, Pam Anderson claims to have not watched the series due to still being butthurt, but she would probably like Lily's performance, because it paints her in the positive/victimized light.


It's a fun trip to the 90s, particularly in the 90s computer scene. That shit was so slow to load and unassuming that it was a perfect market for bootleg sex tapes. Of course, I get pretty fascinated by the outdated "state-of-the-art" technologies of yesterday, and as a period-piece biopic, it works.

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Don't Open Till Christmas 1984

Not the worst Christmas slasher. Overshadowed by the ultimate SNDN from the same year, this London-set holiday horror has a few things to offer. There's a body-count straight away. We don't have a killer Santa here, but rather a guy who kills Santas because he hates Christmas, due to some backstory which is only revealed in a dream at the end? Yeah, I don't get it either, but it's a nice scene.

It's a mean spirited movie. Our kills aren't that graphic, but they're still pretty cool. Stabbings through the head, castrations, some other shit... There's some nice women and nudity, too. Caroline Munro is in there somewhere, and then it gets kinda boring at the climax, but I still found the showdown amusing.

When it comes to the title of the movie, there is some shenanigan involving a wrapped gift. What's in the box?! But if that present was mentioned earlier in the movie, then I absolutely wasn't paying attention at that part.

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The Lodge 2019

This one sorta falls under the Christmas horror blanket. What I'm about to say isn't so much a spoiler as it is the primary setup for the movie, but it begins with a family on the verge of a divorce. The wife is very upset about it, and then I started thinking, "Hey, I recognize that lady... it's Alicia Silverstone! I didn't know she was-" ... and then she blows her brains out. 😲 Wow! Okay then...

So our family's father has his two kids head out to "The Lodge" for Christmas to spend time getting acquainted with his new girlfriend. The one that he was cheating on the mom. Talk about uncomfortable, but she seems nice enough, played by Riley Keough. Her character has a briefly touched upon and bizarre backstory, and the kids don't want to give her a chance. For some reason I don't remember, dad ends up leaving them alone with her over the course of the movie, and things quickly take a turn for the worse, with bad weather keeping them stuck in a bad situation.

It's a slow-burn story about madness, repenting, and purgatory. I tend to like these bleak and artsy horror flicks so long as they have the balls to throw in some violent bits. It's borderline pretentious, but everyone puts in a decent effort and you want to know wtf happens in the end. But in that regard, the ending may seem a bit inconclusive. Not a groundbreaking mainstream horror movie, but it doesn't need to be. It's one of those character pieces focused on mood and made with what I can only assume is a lower budget. Nothing extravagant, but that's a good thing.

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Christmas Bloody Christmas 2022

Shudder gifted us with another one of those evil Santa Claus movies. Aren't there enough of those already? I put it on for background noise, but the vivid lighting and punky overtones got me invested from the get-go.

In the first minute of the movie, we're given all the setup that we need. A robotic Santa has been deployed for consumer purchase, and who gives a fuck about the specifics of his programming. I absolutely loved that this movie didn't bother explaining things any further than that. There's a killer Santa robot hunting naughty people. Probably just people in general. Anybody who crosses its path should die for some reason, just because.

Before the carnage lets loose, we're given quite a bit of buildup between our lead characters. One is the rebelious owner of a rock record store, and the other is a somewhat charming, but still pretty lame employee who's trying really really hard to get with this girl. I can see why she wants to put him off for so long, but put enough drinks in anyone and they'll come around.

So our two characters spend the first half hour drinking and rambling about music and movie references that they probably think are hip and unexpected, but to any self-respecting horror fan, they come off obvious common knowledge. Stuff like Clancy Brown being great in Pet Sematary 2. Yeah, we know that already. And stuff about Lemmy being badass. Yeah, we know already.

There's a lot of banter early on, and despite it coming across as basic fandom drivel, it does feel authentic. They bounce their dialogue off each other quite well, and it isn't some forced vulgar shit like Rob Zombie would write, but I feel like they had him in the back of their minds. And as that comparison was brought to my attention, a Rob Zombie alumni Jeff Daniel Phillips appeared on the screen. RZ's movies may be grating at times, but his actors have potential and I like to see them in other things. Except Sheri Moon, who only ever appears in RZ movies because her appeal is too niche for the rest of the world.

I was discussing with @ballz about how the Terminator franchise needs to ditch its overbloated T2 rehash entries if it ever wants to come back to life, and this movie is the key. I think a great way to reboot that series would be to take a cue from this movie about a random-ass killer robot who targets unsuspecting hapless victims for reasons unknown. He does it violently, and he takes a massive amount of abuse.

Director Joe Begos might be someone to watch out for.

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Prey 2022

I'm late to the party on this because I wasn't entirely thrilled by the idea of a native-american prequel, BUT... I did end up enjoying it. The plot kicks off with that dreaded idea of a woman having to prove herself, but considering the 1719 time period, it veers more into historical relevance rather than modern feminist. No more beefcakes this time around, but our leading lady does a good job.

While predators are always the main hunters, this story has our human characters very reliant on the hunting process too. Not for military ops, but for frontier survival. You're probably wondering how a bow and arrow could stop a yautja, but they have other innovations. Our protagonist is forced to rely on the assumption that she's worthless, but she definitely proves the skeptics wrong.

At this point in this or any franchise, I'm glad to see them change things up. Different setting, different era, and even a different looking predator. Still recognizable enough, though his gadgets look somewhat aged to keep from contrasting the time period so much, but they're still space-age alien tech either way. Some familiar items, some new. Sharp and dangerous, and I'm glad our newish studio didn't skimp out on the violence. There is plenty of severed body parts and impalings.

Shout out to the dog, too. The predator hunts a few different animals in the movie, and those are cool scenes. The action is good, and this predator gets a good beatdown, but he definitely earns it. He kills the shit out of people in this movie.

The whole thing seems kind of out of place in the rest of the series, especially given the title change, but it actually kinda makes perfect sense and gives Predator 2's ending a fitting backstory. I'd say it's better than The Predator from 2018, and perhaps better than 2010's Predators.

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Violent Night 2022

I didn't know this was a Tommy Wirkola movie. The Dead Snow movies were okay. Decent effort there, but nothing groundbreaking. This one here, VIOLENT NIGHT, instantly seems comparable to Fat Man (2020) with Mel Gibson, another recent effort to depict Santa as a bad-ass version capable of kicking some ass.

The description likens it to Die Hard and Home Alone, which is partially accurate. I feel Home Alone has plenty of leisure before the conflict, but our movie VN doesn't linger about too long. The Die Hard thing is much more fitting.

David Harbour does a terrific job as St. Nick. I think the guy is good in anything, though. His backstory is also hilariously dark for a Santa Claus, which is why he plays it as a bitter drunk, disillusioned with the holiday because people as a society are awful. I like the fights for the choreography, but also because he gets his ass kicked in a lot of these fights, which is always better than watching some invincible The Rock type character.

The villain plot is pretty weak, but John Leguizamo does his best for such a cutout role. The villains are all pricks, begging for a cruel demise, and they'll get one. The family isn't much better, but mostly assholes for comic relief. You're supposed to root for Santa and the little girl who relies on him, and you do. Through her, you get the Home Alone homage, which features some good 'n gross acts of violence.

It's not the greatest, but it is pretty fun. I think I like Fat Man a bit more though.

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