Creed III 2023

When I went to see Michael B. Jordan's Creed III in theaters, I saw a trailer for some crap Damon/Affleck movie about original Michael Jordan...'s shoes. A movie about a shoe doesn't seem interesting to me. Especially with those guys in it. I hope those two actually have sex with each other in their next movie, because the sexual tension is unbearable.

Creed 3 is okay. At least they didn't kill Rocky off or some stupid shit. They simply ignore mention of him almost entirely. It's LA set instead of Philly and I guess I can't fault them for wanting to let go of the old characters, but Stallone was sorely missed. Jonathan Majors has been on a role though. I don't hate him. Yet.

#Review

Tammy and the T-Rex 1994

Aka "Tanny and the Teenage T-Rex", even though everybody still calls her Tammy. Featuring George 'Buck' Flower as a sheriff trying to stop the mad scientist's murderous robot T-Rex that has Paul Walker's brain inside of it.

Denise Richards and Paul Walker only ever wanted to fuck each other, but he just had to go comatose after brawling with mountain lions, didn't he?! The computers aren't good enough to run that animatronic. We need a human brain in there, and Paul Walker was born for this role.

I watched the uncut version, because I needed a gore point. The effects are almost good. It's a stupid movie. A true clusterfuck of a screenplay with a moderate success rate. I've certainly seen worse. Terry Kiser always played a great asshole. I hope he's an asshole in real life. That would be cool.

#Review

SubUrbia 1996

From the director of Dazed and Confused is another coming-of-age story about young adults who loiter outside of a convenience store as they try to figure out what to do with their post high school lives.

I liked it. It was thoughtful, albeit aimless, and the setting was relatable. Small town in Texas, pretty boring, but real. You got your conflicted cynic (Giovanni Ribisi), his activist punky artist girlfriend, the immature annoying sidekick (Steve Zahn), the jaded drunk nihilist (Nicky Katt), the timid girl with drug and domestic issues, the newfound rockstar who made it big because he left this shitty town, and the rock star's handler (Parker Posey). All these characters hang out in the lot of a convenience store, much to the dismay of the Indian store owner.

It's a surprisingly engaging story about nothing that takes a dark turn. Then there's another twist that will blow your mind on account of it being so unrealistic: the annoying dumbass gets the girl?!

@tromafreak is absolutely right about Steve Zahn in this. I understand why a group would want to include a character like him. He makes everyone look better by contrast. What an obnoxious fucking twat. Why didn't Samir^Nazeer blast him into oblivion? Or at least shoot him in the nuts RoboCop style to prevent him from procreating? Then we wouldn't have that unbelievable ending, and I would give this movie 5 stars instead of 4.

Richard Linklater is pretty good.

#Review

Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High

Tornadoes are in the forecast today. I fear I may perish as I have nothing left to live for, for I have just seen what is probably the the trashiest trash epic ever.

Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High (Vol II) is the dumbest shit ever. Loaded with dicks, dykes, ducks, farts, titties, and toxic waste. Featuring trademark cameos by Lemmy, Joe Fleishaker, Stan Lee, and Ron Jeremy as God. It's sad that we wont see more of them in the next Troma movie, if ever there will be one. Except in archive footage, of course. It wouldn't be a Troma movie without that same ol' car crash from Kabukiman, or blatant references to previous Troma projects like Toxic Crusaders and Return Vol 1.

As usual, there's an evil corporation out to poison everyone with unhealthy foods, and it's run by Lloyd Kaufman. If you'll remember, Lloyd did (not) play the main character in the original Nuke 'Em High film, which is why he is reprising the role here. If you're wondering why Lloyd looks so young, it's because he's been sniffing farts directly out of student's toxic assholes. It's his own personal fountain of (P)youth.

Kaufman's own Troma films are always so hectic. There's so much going in any given scene, you're bound to find something hilarious to fixate on. There's no time for sentimentality here, because there's always something crude going on. I liked when Mark Torgl jerked off into the monster's eye. Then he took a shit. It was a heart-warming scene.

I can't say this movie was lacking in any of the things i look for in a great movie. There were soooo many farts. So many topless women. So much ooze and foaming at the mouth. Highly recommended for the squeamish.

#Review

M3GAN 2023

The plot is reminiscent of Child's Play 2019. Megan is a prototype designed to bond with a child, and it's always expected that the robots will go haywire and ignore morality. Does that make this movie a derivative waste of time? No, it's actually pretty legit. Don't let kids spend too much time with their devices, or those devices will remove you from the equation.

Obviously, there will be some dickhead businessman trying to rush an unfinished project onto the market, but shouldn't we do some more tests? You know, to prevent some Skynet type of shit?

The doll itself is pretty cool. There is a human acting under there, so it isn't some green-screen cgi garbage. Played by some child dancer, the movements are pretty interesting, and I guess some people are weirded out by seeing that "thing" dance, but by then, I think M3GAN actually won me over. I wish I had a psycho humanoid robot toy when I was growing up.

#Review

Cocaine Bear 2023

The movie begins with the same song used over and over again in another Elizabeth Banks series. "Jane" by Jefferson Starship. I had to laugh at that. She can't get away from that song. Or she simply doesn't want to.

Overall a fun movie. A step up from the other turkeys I saw recently. I love the popeye/powerup effect the coke has on the bear. That was also a thing in The Wolf of Wall Street and it made me lmao.

Ray Liotta's final role, huh? It's a pretty generic villain role, but he does his best with it. It's weird to think that he seemed physically capable enough in this movie, but fate wanted him anyway soon after.

See it. Or don't. Like with Grizzly, I liked what I saw, but I'll probably forget it in a week.

#Review

Steve: Portrait Of An Irritable Fuckhead



I think it's safe to say that the slasher is one of, if not the most beloved of all horror sub genres. More specifically, the 80's slasher. What is basically movies about serial killers slowly picking off a group of people. Usually teenagers and usually for a random, often very personal reason. These movies usually focus on the group above the killer, and mainly the one member of the group that is to survive. One of the most entertaining types of horror movies, but never to be taken the least bit seriously. A sub genre which horror itself became synonymous with during its 80's heyday. As the decade went on, the more unrealistic, and in many cases, less respectable they became. Perhaps these types of horror movies overshadowed certain others more deserving of our attention. One type in particular I have always found far more interesting. It's just too bad there aren't nearly as many of them. I'm talking about Serial killer movies of the 80's. Stories which are vaguely similar to that of slashers, but are more realistic and focus more on the killer. I'm sure we've all seen at least one. Movies like Maniac and Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer. One in particular, I'd like to talk about today. One that seems to have gone somewhat unnoticed. Nothing too original or groundbreaking, but still pretty entertaining. Certainly better than many slashers I've seen. Today, I'd like to talk about Murderlust.

Steve Belmont is not what one would call a nice guy. Steve doesn't seem to like or give a shit about anyone but himself. This doesn't take very long to figure out. He seemingly lives a pretty normal life, working as a security guard as well as a Sunday school teacher on the side. The sunday school gig is weird as Steve's personality away from the church often contradicts certain things he says while on the job. Why does he work there? He doesn't seem to be the least bit religious, and sure as hell doesn't seem to like kids very much. It's a job Steve more or less goes through the motions for, while always knowing the right things to say when questioned. Deep down, Steve is a lazy, immature scumbag with a sense of entitlement. While on Sundays, he's not. On Sundays, Steve is a great guy. Or at least he says the things a great guy would say. Seemingly not caring enough to put much feeling into his nice guy lines he so easily regurgitates once a week, there is obviously something up with this guy. Why the act? Does Steve need the money that bad? Or maybe it's all a cover. The perfect cover for his chosen hobby. Steve kinda sorta rapes and murders hookers, and buries their bodies in the Mojave desert.

Despite being an obvious sociopath who is pretty good at keeping his lies organized, Steve is a trainwreck of a human. An all around lousy attitude prevents him from having the life he probably thinks he deserves. Steve lives in a shitty apartment where he is visited often by his snide cousin who he seems to despise, but keeps around just in case he needs something. Neil is sure to let Steve know the feeling is mutual as he makes it quite clear he has no respect for Steve whatsoever. Their back and forth bickering is probably the highlight of the movie. Meanwhile, during Sunday school, Steve deals with an unruly teenage girl who seems to have an equally shitty attitude towards life. Steve chastizes and disciplines the girl, pretending to care about her well-being, while being unable to resist making subtle attempts at antagonizing her. Steve seems to think of this girl as some sort of opponent rather than the thorn in his side which he would have everyone assume.

As he reads "the Mojave murderer" headlines in the paper, Steve feels a sense of accomplishment nothing else in the world can give him. Steve may be an underachiever, and what many may call a piece of shit, but no one can take away from him the fact that he is very good at manipulating women. A gift that comes from pure hatred and resentment of the opposite sex. Whether he wants it or not, Steve gets a chance at a little normalcy as he runs into a girl from way back in high school. She claims to have had a crush on him, but he doesn't even remember her. They get to talking, one thing leads to another, and Steve finds himself in the early stages of a normal relationship with a woman. Steve has to be extra careful not to blow his cover if he wants to keep this one around. Throwing a tantrum when she tries to fuck him probably isn't the best move, but I'm guessing ol' Steve has a hard time getting it up when rape isn't involved. All I know is this guy better watch his step because this one might surprise him if provoked.

I can't help but notice a vague similarity between this movie and American Psycho. While Steve the immature loser is the antithesis of materialistic snob Patrick Bateman in just about every way, this movie seems to focus more so on the quirks than the psychosis. We've got a ringside seat for all his killings, but in this story, Steve's bloodlust often takes a backseat to his shitty attitude and all around irritable nature. It often feels as though I'm watching a movie about some asshole as opposed to one about a deranged serial killer. That might have a little to do with what little violence and blood this movie has to offer. I'm not sure what's going on there, but personally, this doesn't ruin the movie for me. Things are entertaining enough watching this mustached prick arrogantly pull fast one after fast one until the very end. What I like most about this movie is that the story is solely from the killer's point of view. No cops, no investigation. Just this fucking guy. Steve is a slick one, but not nearly as slick as he thinks. An Otis who thinks he's a Henry. A story about an insecure little man who believes everyone else is stupid. A story about a serial killer slowly digging his own grave. 5/10



#Review

The Mick, 2017-2018 series

I'm a big fan of It's Always Sunny, if you didn't already know. It was around 2017 to 2020 that the cast decided they wanted to do other things. Other tv shows. Rob McEllenhey did Mythic Quest in 2020. Glenn Howerton did AP Bio in 2018. But before those, there was... The Mick.

Sunny is filled with great characters, but Dee is obviously the worst. Suffice to say, I wasn't anxious to tune into a show about bird-watching, so this show went under my radar for years. With a sudden curiosity and a dash of extreme boredom, it finally appeared on my screen and I what do you know... this show was fucking funny.



Kaitlin Olson plays a more redeemable character in this show, but she is still playing a greedy trashy person. When her sister goes to jail, aunt Mick takes this as an opportunity to mooch hard off the wealthy lifestyle while taking guardianship of the sister's three kids: possibly 7 year old Ben, 12 year old Chip, and 17 year old Sabrina. Then a bunch of dumb funny antics go on for 2 seasons (or 37 episodes), until it all ends on a cliffhanger and gets canceled. The show didn't have a chance, being on Fox network. They'll cancel anything, regardless of quality.



Normally, I hate kids in basically anything, but the Ben actor was adorable. Chip was that asshole bully in Wet Hot American Summer: First Day at Camp, and he's still an asshole here. Sabrina is the preppy high school girl, and the actress playing her is about 25, therefore I can say she is hot. There's also a fat hispanic maid, for good measure. But my favorite of the characters is Jimmy, Mick's "guy".

I quickly recognized Jimmy from something else. The actor Scott MacArthur played Big John from Halloween Kills! And much like his HK counterpart, Jimmy gets beaten to a pulp a lot. And so does the Mick. And even Chip and sometimes even Sabrina. Everyone takes a fair amount of abuse in this show, and physical comedy is always hilarious. I love watching people get hurt.

A few times, I was a bit surprised at how violent this was for regular tv. Mick gets hit by a car (multiple times), face beaten (multiple times), stabbed in the neck with a humongous shard of glass, shot, and more. That's when comedy tv rules set in, and everything is fine in the next episode.

Of all the Sunny actors' side-project shows, this one is easily the trashiest and funniest. That's what makes it comparable to Sunny, and yet it seems to be the least successful in terms of fewest number of seasons. I blame misogyny or some bullshit woke rhetoric, because I'm too lazy to think of anything more to say about this show except that I enjoyed it. She's not like a bird at all in this.

#Review

Quantumania

Disney has officially turned Ant-Man 3 into a Star Wars movie. When I first heard that, I thought Guardians of the Galaxy would obviously be the more suitable candidate for Star Wars rip-off, but nope. This movie is way more Star Wars rip-off than Guardians, for sure. It's full of wacky aliens, dumb robots, weird sci-fi visuals, rebels versus the empire, blasters, and more. The main difference is that instead of dealing with outer space, it deals with inner space.

It also ripped off Rick & Morty pretty hard, particularly s2e1 with the Schrodinger's cat state of uncertainty bit. Obviously, I'd draw a comparison to the Vindicators 3 episode about the character 1-Million-Ants, but that's obviously a rip-off of Ant-Man himself. Then there's the obsession with one's holes and how many holes one has, which brings me right back to the Eyeholes Man...

So the movie itself doesn't waste any time getting into the quantum realm, where we're overloaded with a CGI visual feast that's enough to make any naturalistic film fan gag. I bet 95% of this movie was CGI. The story is okay, using some convenient retonning to weasel the new big-bad into the story, but the dimensional logic doesn't hold up, particularly in the rate of time-passage we established in previous films, but whatever. Marvel is already terrible with their continuity, constantly revising their timeline on account of them winging it with every project, despite allegations of a master plan.

I like Paul Rudd as much as the next guy, but his character is pretty thin here. His whole team is generic, and the only character worth a damn is the villain. No, I'm not talking about MODOK. They changed that character's backstory and made him even dumber. He looked stupid, he acted stupid, and he was completely... fucking... stupid. I'd take that shitty Patton Oswalt Hulu garbage over this bogus MODOK, and I hated that show!

Jonathan Majors as Kang is the only saving grace here. His variant in the Loki show was quite interesting, and he gets to play a more comics-accurate version of the character here. He gives off vibes of Vader, which is funny because Kang is allegedly a descendent of Dr. Doom, and Doom was the direct inspiration for Vader. That's pretty much full circle there.

I will also point out that there is no time-travel in this movie, which is one of Kang's trademarks. Instead, it focuses more on the multiversal aspect, but without actually venturing there. The plot will make sense of it, when it isn't being boring with its super formulaic plot. At least it's better than Ant-Man 2. That movie was complete garbage.

#Review

Winnie the Pooh

The fact that this movie exists is wonderful. It's a big middle finger to Disney, and they deserve it. When you get around to watching the actual movie, you'll find it's a very mixed bag. The concept is a big lolwtf pitch, and the plot is amazing: a bunch of girls go to a secluded house in the woods and some bad stuff happens. We don't need to reinvent the wheel here, so we wont. We know we're watching a slasher movie, and this movie doesn't try to put on any airs. It really is as dumb as it sounds.

Pros: Gratuitous hotties and violence. Adequate slasher characters. Cool animated opening recap. Ominous woodland setting. Short runtime. The selfy character was hot and had some good boobs.

Cons: Very minimal nudity. Bad lighting. You can't tell what's going on half the time. Gore is hard to see. Poor cinematography and shaky cam. Drawn out scenes.

This movie is better in theory than execution. The nature of this project is something I felt must contribute to, though. To support my local theater and to support stupid bullshit movie ideas.

#Review